another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------funny.......

There is a new virus. The code name is WORK.

If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else,  do not touch it under any circumstances.

This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take five friends and go straight to the nearest bar.  Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.

Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway...it never hurts to be safe.

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In 1864, Ulysses S. Grant was promoted to the rank of general-in-chief of the Union armies in the Civil War by President Abraham Lincoln.

In 1980, a Chicago jury found John Wayne Gacy Jr. guilty of the murders of 33 men and boys.

In 1993, Janet Reno was sworn in as the first female U.S. Attornery General.

In 2003, Elizabeth Smart, the 15-year-old girl who had vanished from her bedroom nine months earlier, was found alive in a Salt Lake City suburb with two drifters, Brian David Mitchell and Wanda Barzee, who are serving prison terms for kidnapping.

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Today----------Playwright Edward Albee is 85, Actress Barbara Feldon is 80, Broadcast journalist Lloyd Dobyns is 77, Actress-singer Liza Minnelli is 67, Singer-songwriter James Tayor is 65 and Singer Al Jarreau is 73.

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March 12th is:  Girl Scout Birthday Day and Organize Your Home Office Day.

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Quip for the day........My boss he wanted to see my butt in my 8:00, so I showed up naked.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------redneck day.........

A couple of rubes are visiting Las Vegas for the first time.  They approach a Coke machine.

One of them puts in some coins, pushes a button and pops a Coke!

"Hoo wee!" the guy yells.  He reaches into his pockets for more coins.  He inserts them in the machine and out pops another Coke!

He does this again and again.

His friend is getting more and more agitated.  Finally, he interrupts, "Hey, let me try," he says.

The first guy snaps, "Not now!  Can't you see I'm on a winning streak?"

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In 1639, New College was renamed Harvard College for clergyman John Harvard.

In 1781, the seventh planet of the solar system, Uranus, was discovered by Sir William Herschel.

In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a measure prohibiting Union military officers from returning fugitive slaves to their owners.

In 1925, the Tennessee General Assembly approved a bill prohibiting the teaching of the theory of evolution.  (Gov. Austin Peay signed the measure on March 21.)

In 1969, the Apollo 9 astronauts splashed down, ending a mission that included the successful testing of the Lunar Module.

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Today------Jazz musician Roy Haynes is 88, Country singer Jan Howard is 83, Songwriter Mike Stoller is 80, Singer-songwriter Neil Sedaka is 74, Opera singer Julia Migenes is 64 and Actor William H. Macy is 63.

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March 13th is:  Donald Duck Day, Earmuffs Day, Good Samaritan Involvement Day, K-9 Veterans Day, Ken Day, L. Ron Hubbard Day, National Open An Umbrella Inside Day, Registered Dietician Day and Smart and Sexy Day.

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Quip for the day........His butter done slipped off his biscuit.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----oldie but goodie.......

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.  The police arrive and ask for a description.

She tells them he is 6-feet-2-inches tall with blond wavy hair and a movie star smile.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and she says, "You can't believe her.  He's 5-feet tall, and has no hair.  He has bad teeth and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

The police return and question the first woman about her false description.  She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I want him back!"

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In 1794, Eli Whitney received a patent for his cotton gin.

In 1900, Congress ratified the Gold Standard Act.

In 1923, President Warren G. Harding became the first chief executive to file an income tax return, paying a tax of $17,990 on his $75,000 salary.

In 1951, during the Korean War, United Nations forces recaptured Seoul.

In 1964, a jury in Dallas found Jack Ruby guilty of murdering Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of President John F. Kennedy, and sentenced him to death.  (Both the conviction and death sentence were later overturned, but Ruby died before he could be retried.)

In 1967, the body of President John F. Kennedy was moved from a temporary grave to a permanent memorial site at Arlington National Cemetery.

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Today----Former astronaut Frank Borman is 85, Singer Phil Phillips is 82, Actor Michael Caine is 80, Composer-conductor Quincy Jones is 80, Former astronaut Eugene Cernan is 79, Actor Raymond J. Barry is 74, Movie director Wolfgang Petersen is 72, Country singer Michael Martin Murphy is 68, Rock singer Walt Parazaider is 68, Actor Steve Kanaly is 67 and Comedian Billy Crystal is 65.

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March 14th is:  International Ask A Question Day, MOTH-ER Day, Potato Chip Day, Pi Day and World Kidney Day.

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Quip for the day......Never get into a fight with an ugly person.  They have nothing to lose.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------not too good, back to the archives.....

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

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In 44 B.C., Roman dictator Julius Caesar was assassinated by a group of nobles that included Brutus and Cassius.

In 1820, Maine became the 23rd state.

In 1913, President Woodrow Wilson met with about 100 reporters for the first formal presidential press conference.

In 1919, members of the American Expeditionary Force from World War I convened in Paris for a three-day meeting to found the American Legion.

In 1962, a chartered Flying Tiger Line airplane carrying 107 people, most of them U.S. Army personnel, disappeared while en route from Guam to the Philippines.

In 1972, "The Godfather," Francis Ford Coppola's epic gangster movie based on the Mario Puzo novel and starring Marlon Brando and Al Pacino, premiered in New York.

In 1985, the first Internet domain name, symbolics.com, was registered by Symbolics Computer Corp. of Massachusetts.

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Today-----------Musician DJ Fontana is 82, Former astronaut Alan L. Bean is 81, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is 80, Actor Judd Hirsch is 78, Rock musician Phil Lesh is 73, Singer Mike Love is 72, Rock singer-musician Sly Stone is 70, Rock singer-musician Howard Scott  is 67 and Rock singer Ry Cooder is 66.

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March 15th is:  Absolutely Incredible Kid Day, Brutus Day, Buzzards Day, Ides of March, True Confessions Day, World Consumer Rights Day, Freedom Of Information Day and U.S. Snowshoe day (15-17).

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Quip for the day.............If you ain't making waves, you ain't kicking hard enough.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------hah......

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the airconditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I don't mind." said the waiter with a smile."We don't even have an air conditioner."

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In 1751, James Madison, fourth president of the United States, was born in Port Conway, VA.

In 1802, President Thomas Jefferson signed a measure authorizing the establishment of the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, NY.

In 1926, rocket science pioneer Robert H. Goddard successfully tested the first liquid-fueled rocket.

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Today-------Comedian-director Jerry Lewis is 87, Country singer Ray Walker is 79, Movie director Bernardo Bertolucci is 72, Game show host Chuck Woolery is 72, Singer-songwriter Jerry Jeff Walker is 71, Actor Erik Estrada is 64, Actor Victor Garber is 64, Actress Kate Nelligan is 62 and Country singer Ray Benson is 62.

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March 16th is:  Curlew Day, Goddard Day, International Sports Car Racing Day, Lips Appreciation Day and National Quilting Day.

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Quip for the day........Does the age-old question "Where's the beef?" still make you laugh?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------good one....

A Kansas farmer and his wife had a son who helped on the farm until he moved West to California.

Three years later, the farmer and his wife boarded an airplane for the first time and flew to California to visit  their son.  They stayed a week.  Their son barbecued on the patio each night.

When the couple returned home, their neighbors gathered to welcome them back.  Several of them asked, "So, what did you think of California?"

"I didn't like it a bit," the farmer said.  "They do things backward there."

"Like what?"

"Well, if you can believe it, they cook outside, and go to the toilet inside!"

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In A.D. 461 (or A.D. 493, depending on sources), St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, died in Saul.

In 1762, New York's first St. Patrick's Day parade took place.

In 1950, scientists at the University of California at Berkeley announced they had created a new radioactive element, "californium."

In 1993, Helen Hayes, the "first Lady of the American Theater," died in Nyack, NY, at age 92.

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Today----------------Actor Gabriele Ferzetti is 88, Former NASA astronaut Ken Mattingly is 77, Rock musician Paul Kantner is 72, Singer-songwriter John Sebastian is 69, Rock musician Harold Brown is 67, Actor Patrick Duffy is 64 and Actor Kurt Russell is 62.

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March 17th is:  Campfire Girl's Day and St. Patrick's Day.

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Quip for the day......We can't all be Irish........someone has to drive.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----good one.....

The Smiths are very proud of their family tradition.  Their ancestors came to America on the Mayflower.  Their lineage includes senators, pastors and captains of industry.  They decide to compile a family history.  They hire a fine author.

There's only one problem.  What about the great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair?  The author assures them not to worry.  He will handle that part with tact.

When the book appears, the family turns to the section on Uncle George.  There they read, "George Smith occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, a position to which he remained attached until his death, which came as a real shock."

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In 1766, Britain repealed the Stamp Act of 1765.

In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed an executive order authorizing the War Relocation Authority, which was put in charge of interning Japanese-Americans with Milton S. Eisenhower (the younger brother of Dwight D. Eisenhower) as its director.

In 1974, most of the Arab oil-producing nations ended their embargo against the United States.

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Today-----Composer John Kandor is 86, Country singer Charlie Pride is 75, Actor Kevin Dobson is 70 and Actor Brad Dourif is 63.

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March 18th is:  Awkward Moments Day, Forgive Mom And Dad Day, National Biodiesel Day and Well-elderly Day.

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Quip for the day.............Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------no mention of the word blond...

A woman notices that her boss, also a woman, starts leaving work an hour early each day.  She decides if the boss can get away with it, she can get away with it, too.

One day, she waits for awhile after her boss has left, then heads for home.  As she starts to open the side door she glances through the window and sees her boss and her husband kissing in the kitchen.

She rushes back to work and tells the story to he co-workers.  "That's just terrible!" they say.

"I know," the woman says, "I almost got caught!"

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In 1687, French explorer Rene-Robert Cavelier, Sieur de La Salle -- the first European to navigate the length of the Mississippi River -- was murdered by mutineers in present-day Texas.

In 1863, Congress approved Daylight Saving Time.

In 1931, Nevada Gov. Fred B. Balzar signed a measure legalizing casino gambling.

In 1953, the Academy Awards ceremony was televised for the first time; "The Greatest Show on Earth" was named best picture for 1952.

In 2003, President George W. Bush ordered the start of war against Iraq.  (Because of the time difference, it was early March 20 in Iraq.)

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Today---------Former White House national security adviser Brent Scowcroft is 88, Jazz musician Ornette Coleman is 83, Author Philip Roth is 80, Actress Rene Taylor is 80, Actress-singer Phyllis Newman is 80, Actress Ursula Andress is 77, Singer Clarence "Frogman" Henry is 76, Singer Ruth Pointer (The Pointer Sisters) is 67, Actress Glenn Close is 66 and Film producer Harvey Weinstein is 61.

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March 19th is:  National Agriculture Day, National Chocolate Caramel Day, Operation Iraqi Freedom Day and Swallows Return to San Juan Capistrano Day.

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Quip for the day........After one pays their income tax, they know how a cow feels after she's been milked.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------got it......

Talk about a lousy restaurant!  Unbelievable!

I called the waiter over and said, "Excuse me, is this supposed to be coffee or tea?"

The waiter said, sarcastically, "Well, what does it taste like?"

I said, "It tastes like gasoline."

The waiter sniffed and said, "Well, sir, that's the coffee then, for sure.  Our tea tastes like turpentine."

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In 1969, John Lennon married Yoko Ono in Gibraltar.

In 2003, on the first day of the Iraqi War, a subdued Saddam Hussein appeared on state-run television after the intial American air strike on Baghdad accusing the United States of a "shameful crime" and urging his people to "draw your sword" against the invaders.  American combat units rumbled across the desert into Iraq from the south.

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Today------------Singer Dame Vera Lynn is 96, Producer-director-comedian Carl Reiner is 91, Actor Hal Linden is 82, Country singer Don Edwards is 74, TV producer Paul Junger Witt is 70, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Orr is 65, Actor William Hurt is 63, Rock musician Carl Palmer (Emerson, Lake and Palmer) is 63 and Rock musician Jimmie Vaughan is 62.

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March 20th is:  Alien Abduction Day, Atheist Pride Day, Bed-in For Peace Day, Great American Meat Out Day, Interntional Astrology Day, Kick Butt Day, Kiss Your Fiancee Day, National Jump Out! Day, National Native HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Proposal Day, Snowman Burning Day, Vernal Equinox (Spring) and Won't You Be My Neighbor Day.

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Quip for the day............If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------funny.......

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.  A lengthy search resulted in three finalists -- two men and a woman.  Each candidate was handed a gun and led into a separate room.

"You always must follow instructions without questions," each candidate was told.  "Inside you will find your spouse sitting in a chair.  Shoot to kill."

The first man flatly refused.  "I would never shoot my wife," he said.  He was dismissed.

The second candidate took the gun into his assigned room, but returned a few moments later.  "I can't do it," he said.

The female candidate went into her room.  Many shots were heard, then sounds of a struggle.

The door opened and there she stood.  She wiped her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks.  I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

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In 1907, U.S. Marines arrived in Honduras to protect American lives and interests in the wake of political violence.

In 1963, the Alcatraz federal prison island in San Francisco Bay was emptied of its last inmates and closed at the order of Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy.

In 1965, civil rights demonstrators led by the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. began their third successful march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama.

In 1972, the Supreme Court, in Dunn v. Blumstein, ruled that states may not require at least a year's residency for voting eligibility.

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Today---------Violinist-conductor Joseph Silverstein is 81, Actress Kathleen Widdoes is 74, Actress Marie-Christine Barrault is 69, Singer-musician Rose Stone is 68, Actor Timothy Dalton is 67, Singer Eddie Money is 64, Rock singer-musician Roger Hodgson is 63, Rock musician Conrad Lozano is 62 and Rhythm-and-Blues singer Russell Thompkins Jr. is 62.

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March 21st is:  Absolutely Incredible Kid Day, Brain Injury Awareness Day, Companies That Care Day, International Day For The Elimination Of Racial Discrimination, Memory Day, National Day Of Action On Syringe Day, National Common Courtesy Day, Spring Fairy Day and World Down Syndrome Day.

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Quip for the day............AIBOHPHOBIA-----the fear of palindromes.

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Larryj