another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------hah......

The would-be Romeo asks the attractive woman, "What kind of man attracts you?"

The woman thinks a moment, then replies, "I've always been drawn to Native American men.  They are in harmony with nature."

"I see," nodding in understanding.

The woman adds, "But I also am attracted to Jewish men, who really know how to put their women on a pedestal.  I am also drawn to Southern gentlemen.  They are so courteous and respectful."

The man bows and says, "Please allow me to introduce myself.  My name is Geronimo Goldstein, but all my friends call me Bubba."

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In 1836, the Republic of Texas formally declared its independence from Mexico.

In 1962, Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points for the Philadelphia Warriors in a game against the New York Knicks, an NBA record that still stands.  (Philadelphia won, 169-147.)

In 1972, the United States launched the Pioneer 10 space probe, which flew past Jupiter in late 1973, sending back images and scientific data.

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Today----Actor John Cullum is 83, Author Tom Wolfe is 83, Actress Barbara Luna is 74, Author John Irving is 71, Singer Lou Reed is 71, Actress Cassie Yates is 62 and Actress Laraine Newman is 61.

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March 2nd is:  Dr. Seuss Day, NEA's Read Across America Day and International Tongue Twister Day.

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Quip for the day........The difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake is one less drunk.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------uh oh........

Little Nancy was in the garden filling up a big hole with dirt.  The neighbor, Mr. Wilson, peered over the fence and said, "Hello there, Nancy, what are you doing?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy, tearfully, without looking up.  "I've just buried him."

Mr. Wilson smiled indulgently and said, "My goodness, that's an awfully big hole for a goldfish."

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt, then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

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In 1845, Florida became the 27th state.

In 1849, the U.S. Department of the Interior was established.

In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln signed a measure creating the National Academy of Sciences.

In 1913, more than 5,000 suffragists marched down Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C.

In 1923, Time magazine, founded by Briton Hadden and Henry R. Luce, made its debut.

In 1931, "The Star-Spangled Banner" became the national anthem of the United States as President Herbert Hoover signed a congressional resolution.

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Today-----Movie producer-director George Miller is 68, Actress Hattie Winston is 68, Singer Jennifer Warnes is 66 and Singer-musician Robyn Hitchcock is 60.

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March 3rd is:  I Want You To Be Happy Day, Namesake Day, National Anthem Day and What If Dogs And Cats Had Opposable Thumbs? Day.

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Quip for the day------The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------aha....

Remember the draft?  A lot of young men did their best to get out of it.  Here is one story:

This one guy, not thrilled about serving involuntarily in the Army, was called to take his physical.  He figured he could fail the examination with a few well-placed answers to the doctor's questions.

"What do you see on the wall over there?"  the doctor asked.

"What wall?" the young man replied.

The doctor made a note on his clipboard.  "Very good," he said.  "You've passed the hearing test."

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In 1789, the Constitution of the United States went into effect as the first Federal Congress met in New York.  (The lawmakers then adjourned for lack of a quorum.)

In 1861, Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated as the 16th president of the United States.

In 1861, the U.S. Government Printing Office began operation.

In 1861, the Confederate States of America adopted as its flag the original version of the Stars and Bars.

In 1913, just before leaving office, President William Howard Taft signed legislation replacing the Department of Commerce and Labor with separate Departments of Commerce and Labor.

In 1913, the "Buffalo nickel" officially went into circulation.

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Today-----Actress Paula Prentiss is 75, Movie director Adrian Lyne is 72, Singer Bobby Womack is 69, Actor Ronn Moss is 61, Actress Kay Lenz is 60 and Musician Emilio Estefan is 60.

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March 4th is:  Benjamin Harrison Day, Courageous Follower Day, International Scrapbooking Industry Day, March Forth-Do Something Day, National Grammar Day, Old Inauguration Day, Toy Soldier Day, Casimir Pulaski Day and Fun Facts About Names Day.

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Quip for the day........Don't draw enemy fire.  It irritates the people around you.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------old, but funny......

Our parents taught us to appreciate a job well done.  "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.  I just finished cleaning."

Our parents taught us the importance of prayer.  "You better PRAY that will come out of the carpet!"

Our parents taught us logic.  "Because I said so, that's why!"

Our parents taught us irony.  "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about!"

Our parents taught us stamina.  "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone!"

Our parents taught us about the cycle of life.  "I brought you into this world and I can take you out!"

Our parents taught us about justice.  "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

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In 1868, the Senate was organized into a Court of Impeachment to decide charges against President Andrew Johnson, who was later acquitted.

In 1960, Elvis Presley was discharged from the U.S. Army.

In 1963, country music performers Patsy Cline, Cowboy Copas and Hawkshaw Hawkins died in the crash of their plane, a Piper Comanche, near Camden, Tennessee, along with pilot Randy Hughes, Cline's manager.

In 1982, comedian John Belushi was found dead of a drug overdose in a rented bungalow in Hollywood.

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Today----Actor James Noble is 91, Actor James B. Sikking is 79, Actor Dean Stockwell is 77, Actor Fred Williamson is 75, Actress Samantha Eggar is 74, Actor Michael Warren is 67, Actor Eddie Hodges is 66, Singer Eddy Grant is 65 and Rock musician Alan Clark (Dire Straits) is 61.

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March 5th is:  Saint Piran's Day, Peace Corp Day and Unique Name Day.

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Quip for the day........Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling your sidewalk before it stops snowing.
(Thanks to Phyllis Diller.)

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------give this cop an "I'm stupid" sign.........

A truck driver is driving down a highway.  He sees a sign that says, "Low bridge ahead."  He's never had a problem with low bridges before, but he slows down anyway.  The he sees another sign that warns, "Bridge clearance 16 feet."

His truck is only 15 feet, so he proceeds with confidence.  But the sign is wrong.  He gets stuck under the bridge.

Traffic backs up for miles in both directions.  It's a terrible mess.  A  police car arrives, lights flashing.  The cop gets out, approaches the truck, puts his hands on his hips and says to the driver, "Got your truck stuck, huh?"

The truck driver, in no mood for sarcasm, replies, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."

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In 1836, the Alamo in San Antonio, Texas, fell to Mexican forces after a 13-day siege.

In 1857, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in Dred Scott v. Sandford that Scott, a slave, was not an American citizen and could not sue for his freedom in federal court.

In 1912, Oreo sandwich cookies were first introduced by the National Biscuit Company.

In 1933, Chicago Mayor Anton Cernak, wounded in an attempt on then-President-elect Franklin D. Roosevelt's life the previous month, died at a Miami hospital at age 59.

In 1970, a bomb being built inside a Greenwich Village townhouse by the radical Weathermen accidentally went off, destroying the house and killing three group members.

In 1973, Nobel Prize-winning author Pearl S. Buck, 80, died in Danby, Vermont.

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Today--------Orchestra conductor Julius Rudel is 92, Former FBI and CIA director William Webster is 89, Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is 87, Author Gabriel Garcia Marquez is 86, Actress-writer Joanna Miles is 73, Actor Ben Murphy is 71, Opera singer Dame Kiri Te Kanawa is 69, Singer Mary Wilson is 69, Rock musician Hugh Grundy is 68, Rock singer-musician-producer David Gilmour is 67, Actor-director Rob Reiner is 66, Singer Kiki Dee is 66 and Rock singer-musician Phil Alvin is 60.

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March 6th is:  Oreo Cookie Day, Sofia Kovaleskaya Math Day and Learn What Your Name Means Day.

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Quip for the day......Answering machine message:  "Hi! I'm probably at home.  I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave a message.  If I don't call back............then it's you."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------familiar and funny......

There was a very religious man named James who lived near a river.  One day, during a terrible storm, the river rose and flooded the town.  James climbed onto the roof of his house.  Soon, a rescue worker came along in a boat and offered help.

"No, thanks," James said, "God will take care of me."

The flood waters rose.  James climbed higher on his roof.  Later, another rescue boat approached.  "No, thanks.  God will provide for me."

The flood rose.  James climbed onto his chimney.  A helicopter arrived and lowered a ladder.  "No, thanks," James said.  "God will save me."

James drowned.  He went to heaven.  He said to God, "I thought you would save me."

God said, "I sent you two boats and a helicopter.  You wanted more?"

(I think I remember this one from Judy's column.)

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In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell received a patent for his telephone.

In 1926, the first successful trans-Atlantic radio-telephone conversations took place between New York and London.

In 1960, Jack Paar returned as host of NBC's "Tonight Show" nearly a month after walking off in a censorship dispute with the network.

In 1963, the Pan Am Building (today the MetLife Building) first opened in midtown Manhattan.

In 1965, a march by civil rights demonstrators was violently broken up at the Edmund Pettus Bridge in Selma, Alabama, by state troopers and a sheriff's posse in what became to be known as "Bloody Sunday."

In 1975, the U.S. Senate revised its filibuster rule, allowing 60 senators to limit debate in most cases, instead of the previously required two-thirds of senators present.

In 1994, the Supreme Court, in Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music Inc., unanimously ruled that a parody that pokes fun at an original work can be considered "fair use" that doesn't require permission for the copywright holder.  (The ruling concerned a parody of the song "Pretty Woman" by the rap group 2 Live Crew.)  (this required a ruling by the highest court?) (Huh?)

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Today-------TV personality Willard Scott is 79, Actor Daniel J. Travanti is 73, Entertainment executive Michael Eisner is 71, Rock musician Chris White is 70, Actor John Heard is 67, Rock singer Peter Wolf is 67, Rock musician Matthew Fisher is 67, Pro football Hall-of-Famer Franco Harris is 63 and Pro football Hall-of-Famer Lynn Swann is 61.

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March 7th is:  (NOTE:  I erred yesterday, yes, that's right I made a mistake.......I posted the holidays for March 7 in addition to March 6.  I have since modified that.  Here are the correct days for March 7.)

Cereal Day, Nametag Day, National Be Heard Day, World Book Day and World Maths Day.

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Quip for the day.........Since God gave us two ears and one mouth, He must have wanted us to do twice as much listening as talking.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------redneck humor day.......

Bubba and Bob, visiting from Mississippi, are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store that reads, "Suits $5!  Trousers $3!  Shirts $2!"

Bubba says, "Whoa, look at this.  We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Calhoun County, and sell 'em to our friends for a fortune.  Just let me do the talking."

They go in and Bubba says, in his finest "city" accent, "I'll take 10 of them suits, 20 of them there trousers and 100 shirts.  I'll bring the truck around."

The owner of the shop says, "Ya'll from Mississippi, I reckon."

Bubba, crushed, says, "How come you knowed that?"

The owner says, "Because this is a dry cleaners."

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In 1917, the U.S. Senate voted to limit filabusters by adopting the cloture rule.

In 1930, the 27th president of the United States, William Howard Taft, died in Washinton at age 72.

In 1965, the United States landed its first combat troops in South Vietnam as 3,500 Marines were brought in to defend the U.S. air base at Da Nang.

In 1971, Joe Frazier defeated Muhammad Ali by decision in what was billed as "The Fight of the Century" at Madison Square Garden in New York.

In 1971, silent film comedian Harold Lloyd died in Beverly Hills at age 77.

In 1983, in a speech to the National Association of Evangelicals convention in Orlando, Florida, President Ronald Reagan referred to the Soviet Union as an "evil empire."

In 2008, President George W. Bush vetoed a bill that would have banned the CIA from using simulated drowning and other coercive interrogation methods to gain information from suspected terrorists.

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Today------Actress Sue Ann Langdon is 77, College Football Hall-of-Famer Pete Dawkins is 75, Baseball player-turned-author Jim Bouton is 74, Songwriter Carol Bayer Sager is 69, Musician-actor-director Micky Dolenz is 68, Singer-musician Randy Meisner is 67, Pop singer Peggy March is 65 and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Jim Rice is 60.

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March 8th is:  Day For Women's Rights and International Peace Day, Girls Write Now Day, International Women's Day, Middle Name Pride Day, National Proof Reading Day and National Peanut Cluster Day.

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Quip for the day..........Somebody done blew out his pilot light.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------just for my good buddy, Jarhead.........

By the time the Marine pulled into the little town, every motel room was taken.  "You've got to have something," he pleaded.  "I'll take anything."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant -- an Air Force guy.  He might be glad to split the cost.  But, I have to warn you, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained."

"No problem.  I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" the manager asked.

"Never better!"

"No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time," the Marine said.

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away.  I went over, kissed him on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful' and he sat up all night watching me."

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In 1862, during the Civil War, the ironclads USS Monitor and CSS Virginia (formerly USS Merrimac) clashed for five hours to a draw at Hampton Roads, Virginia.

In 1916, Mexican raiders led by Pancho Villa attacked Columbus, New Mexico, killing 18 Americans.

In 1933, Congress, called into special session by President Franklin D. Roosevelt, began its "hundred days" of enacting New Deal legislation.

In 1954, CBS newsman Edward R. Murrow critically reviewed Wisconsin Sen. Joseph R. McCarthy's anti-communism campaign on "See It Now."

In 1977, about a dozen armed Hanafi Muslims invaded three buildings in Washington, D.C., killing one person and taking more than 130 hostages.  (The siege ended two days later.)

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Today-----------Singer Lloyd Price is 80, Actress Joyce Van Patten is 79, Actor-comedian Marty Ingels is 77, Actress Trish Van Devere is 72, Singer Mark Lindsay is 71, Former ABC anchorman Charles Gibson is 70, Singer Jeffrey Osborne is 65 and Country singer Jimmie Fadden is 65.

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March 9th is:  Barbie Day, Get Over It Day, Joe Franklin Day, Panic Day, Genealogy Day and International Fanny Pack Day.

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Quip for the day........True friends stab you in the front.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------hah......

Mrs. Bartholomew had been in the doctor's office for only a few minutes when suddenly she burst from the room and ran screaming down the hall.

Another doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was.  She told him what had happened.

The second doctor turned on his heels and marched up the hall and accosted the first doctor, who was busy writing on a clipboard.

"What on earth is the matter with you?" the second doctor said.  "Mrs. Bartholomew is 71 years old.  She has four grown children and seven grandchildren.  And you told her she was PREGNANT?!"

The first doctor continued writing.  Without looking up he asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell's assistant, Thomas Watson, heard Bell say over his experimental telephone:  "Mr. Watson  -- come here --I want to see you."

In 1880, the Salvation Army arrived in the United States from England.

In 1913, former slave, abolitionist and Underground Railroad "conductor" Harriet Tubman died in Auburn, NY:  she was in her 90's.

In 1933, a maginitude-6.4 earthquake centered off Long Beach, CA, resulted in 120 deaths.

In 1969, James Earl Ray pleaded guilty in Memphis, Tennessee, to assassinating civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr.  (Ray later repudiated the plea maintaining his innocensce until his death.)

In 1973, the Pink Floyd album "The Dark Side of the Moon" was first released in the U.S. by Capitol Records.  (The British release came nearly two weeks later.)

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Today-----Talk show host Ralph Emery is 80, Bluegrass/country singer-musician Norman Blake is 75, Actor Chuck Norris is 73, Playwright David Rabe is 73, Singer Dean Torrence is 73, Actor Richard Gant is 69, Actress Katharine Houghton is 68 and Rock musician Tom Scholz is 66.

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March 10th is:  Girl Scout Sunday, International Day Of Awesomeness, Land Line Telephone Day, Daylight Savings Time Begins, Mario Day, Salvation Army Day, U.S. Paper Money Day, Women And Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day and Check Your Batteries Day.

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Quip for the day.......Anatomy is something that everyone has but somehow looks better on girls.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------old but a good one......

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when six members of an outlaw motorcycle gang walked in.

Two of them elbowed the old man as they walked by.  The third knocked the old man's hat off.  The fourth pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and the fifth knocked over his glass of milk.  The sixth challenged the old man:  "You're sitting in my seat."

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Ha! Not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either.  He just backed his rig over six motorcycles."

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In 1861, the Constitution of the Confederate States of America was adopted by the Confederate Congress in Montgomery, Alabama.

In 1888, the Blizzard of '88, also known as the "Great White Hurricane," began inundating the northeastern United States, resulting in some 400 deaths.

In 1959, the Lorraine Hansberry drama "A Raisin In The Sun" opened at New York's Ethel Barrymore Theater.

In 1965, the Rev. James J. Reeb, a white minister from Boston, died after being beaten by whites during civil rights disturbances in Selma, Alabama.

In 1993, Janet Reno was unanimously confirmed by the Senate to be Attorney General.

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Today--------Media Mogul Rupert Murdoch is 82, ABC News correspondent Sam Donaldson is 79, Actress Tricia O'Neil is 68, Actor Mark Metcalf is 67, Rock singer-musician Mark Stein (Vanilla Fudge) is 66, Singer Bobby McFerrin is 63, Movie director Jerry Zucker is 63 and Actress Susan Richardson is 61.

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March 11th is:  Dream 2013 Day, Johnny Appleseed Day, Fill Our Staplers Day, Napping Day and World Plumbing Day.

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Quip for the day........Bumper sticker:  Pardon my driving.....I'm reloading.

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Larryj