another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah........

An elderly gentleman, very distinguished in appearance, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.  He is dressed in a designer suit, and there is a freshly cut flower in his lapel.  His silver hair is impeccably groomed.

Seated at the bar is a fine looking lady of a certain age, who also is quite elegant in appearance.

Her heart skips a beat as the gentleman walks over, takes the seat next to hers, and orders a strong martini.  The drink arrives and he takes it in one gulp.  He then looks at her and smiles.  He clears his throat to speak.

She waits for what she is sure will be a memorable opening line.

He asks her, "Tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"

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In 1781, a British naval expedition led by Benedict Arnold burned Richmond, Virginia.

In 1896, an Austrian newspaper, Wiener Presse, reported the discovery by German physicist Wilheim Roentgen of a type of radiation that came to be known as X-rays.

In 1925, Nellie T. Ross of Wyoming became America's first female governor.

In 1949, in his State of the Union address, President Harry S. Truman labeled his administration the Fair Deal.

In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon announced that he had ordered development of the space shuttle.

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Today-----Former Vice President Walter F. Mondale is 85, Pro Football Hall-of-Fame coach Chuck Noll is 81, Talk show host Charlie Rose is 71, Actress-director Diane Keaton is 67, Actor Ted Lange is 65, Rhythm-and-blues musician George "Funky" Brown (Kool and the Gang) is 64, Rock musician Chris Stein (Blondie) is 63, Former CIA Director George Tenet is 60, Actress Pamela Sue Martin is 60 and Actor Robert Duvall is 82.

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January 5th is:  Bean Day and Bird Day.

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Quip for the day..........To some it's a six-pack...........to me it's a support group.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------high tech.....

We live in an age of instant information and high-speed communication.  We mustn't forget the basics, though.  Choosing your words carefully is even more important than ever.

Here's an example of how things can go wrong.

On a recent cold winter's day, a wife texted her husband, who was at work.  "Windows frozen, won't open."

Her husband texted back:  "Pour lukewarm water over it."

Five minutes later, the wife texted:  "Didn't work.  Computer completely screwed up now."

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In 1759, George Washington and Martha Dandridge Curtis were married in New Kent County, Virginia.

In 1838, Samuel Morse and Alfred Vail gave the first successful demonstration of their telgraph, in Morristown, New Jersey.

In 1919, the 26th president of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt, died in Oyster Bay, New York, at age 60.

In 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, in his State of the Union address, outlined a goal of "Four Freedoms"; Freedom of speech and expression; the freedom of people to worship God in their own way; Freedom from want; Freedom from fear.

In 1963, "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom" premiered on NBC-TV.

In 1993, Jazz trumpeter Dizzy Gillespie, 75, died in Englewood, New Jersey.

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Today------Retired MLB All-Star Ralph Branco is 87, Author E.L. Doctorow is 82, Actress Bonnie Franklin is 69, Country musician Joey, The CowPolka King, is 64, Rock singer-musician Kim Wilson is 62 and Singer Jett Williams is 60.

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January 6th is:  Epiphany or Twelth Night and Three Kings Day.

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Quip for the day.....BEWARE!  A new computer virus called the Prozac virus......Screws up your RAM, but your processer doesn't care.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----one-liners, some old, some new......

I had amnesia once ------or twice.

They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.

My weight is perfect for my height, which varies.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Show me a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't pull his pants on.

Is it me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

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In 1789, the first U.S. presidential election was held.  Americans voted for electors who, a month later, chose George Washington to be the nation's first president.

In 1894, one of the earliest motion picture experiments took place at the Thomas Edison studio in West Orange, New Jersey, as Fred Ott was filmed taking a pinch of snuff and sneezing.

In 1927, commercial transatlantic telephone service was inaugurated between New York and London.

In 1953, President Harry S. Truman announced in his State of the Union message to Congress that the United States had developed a hydrogen bomb.

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Today---Pop musician Paul Revere is 75, Magazine publisher Jann Wenner is 67, Singer Kenny Loggins is 65, Latin pop singer Juan Gabriel is 63 and Actress Erin Gray is 63.

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January 7th is:  Harlem Globetrotters Day, I'm Not Going To Take It Anymore Day, International Programmers' Day, Orthodox Christmas, National Tempera Day and "Thank God It's Monday" Day.

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Quip for the day.......In America, anyone can be president.  That's one of the risks you take.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----new twist on an old joke.....

A doctor on his morning walk decided to vary his routine, so he turned down an unfamiliar street.  He stopped in his tracks when he encountered a wrinkled little lady sitting on her front steps smoking a cigarette.  She smiled and waved at him..

He said, "Forgive me, but I'm a doctor and I don't see too many women smoking at your age."

She laughed and said, "I always smoke after I drink."

Shocked, the doctor said, "You haven't been drinking, have you?  It's only morning."

"Are you nuts?  I can't eat a whole box of sugared doughnuts without a few beers!"

"Good Heavens!" the doctor exclaimed.  "Junk food. Booze.  Cigarettes.  I'll bet you don't get any exercise either."

"Wrong," she said, "I still chase after the men."

The doctor said, "Amazing! How old are you anyway?"

She answered, "Thirty."

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In 1790, President George Washington delivered his first State of the Union address to Congress in New York.

In 1863, America's First Transcontinental Railroad had its beginnings as California Governor Leland Stanford broke ground for the Central Pacific Railroad in Sacramento.  (The transcontinental railroad was completed in Promontory, Utah, in May 1869.)

In 1918, President Woodrow Wilson outlined his Fourteen Points for lasting peace after World War I.

In 1918, Mississiippi became the first state to ratify the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, which established Prohibition.

In 1935, rock "n" roll legend Elvis Presley was born in Tupelo, Mississippi.

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Today-----Former Independent Counsel Lawrence E. Walsh is 101, Actor-comedian Larry Storch is 90, CBS Newsman Charles Osgood is 80, Game show host Bob Eubanks is 75, Rhythm-and-Blues singer Anthony Gourdine (Little Anthony and the Imprerials) is 72, Physicist Stephen Hawking is 71, Rock singer David Bowie is 66 and Rock musician Robby Krieger is 67.

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January 8th is:  Argyle Day, Bubble Bath Day, Earth's Rotation Day, National English Toffee Day, Midwife's Day or Women's Day, National Joy Germ Day, Show And Tell At Work and War On Poverty Day.

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Quip for the day....My doctor recently told me that jogging could add ten years to my life.  He was right.  I've only been jogging once and I feel ten years older already.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------kids.......

The teacher announced to her class; "I want each of you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.  "Marcy," the teacher said, "You may go first."

Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R.  If he was here, he would give us all a shiny penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R, and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly baked cookie."

Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant.  A-K, no, wait, A-C-K, no...."

Little Johnny raised his hand.  "My father is a bookie.  B-O-O-K-I-E, and he would give us all 10 to 1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell 'accountant.'"

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In 1913, Richard Milhous Nixon, the 37th president of the United States, was born in Yorba Linda, California.

In 1931, Bobbi Trout and Edna May Cooper broke an endurance record for female aviators as they returned to Mines Field in Los Angeles after flying a Curtiss Robin monoplane continuously for 122 hours and 50 minutes.

In 1951, the United Nations headquarters in New York officially opened.

In 1968, the Surveyor 7 space probe made a soft landing on the moon, marking the end of the American series of unmanned explorations of the lunar surface.

In 1972, reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes, speaking by telephone from the Bahamas to reporters in Hollywood, said a purported autobiography of him by Clifford Irving was a fake.

In 1987, the White House released a Jan. 1986 memorandum prepared for President Ronald Reagan by Lt. Col. Oliver L. North showing a link between U.S. arms sales to Iran and the release of American hostages in Lebanon.

In 2003, U.N. weapons inspectors said there was no "smoking gun" to prove Iraq had nuclear, chemical or biological weapons, but they demanded that Baghdad provide private access to scientists and fresh evidence to back its claim that it had destroyed its weapons of mass destruction.

In 2008, Johnny Grant, the honorary mayor of Hollywood, died in Los Angeles at age 84.

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Today------Author Judith Krantz is 85, Football Hall-of-Famer Bart Starr is 79, Sportscaster Dick Enberg is 78, Actress K. Callan is 77, Folk singer Joan Baez is 72, Rockabilly singer Roy Head is 72, Singer David Johansen (aka Buster Poindexter) is 63, Singer Crystal Gayle is 62 and Rock musician Jimmy Page (Led Zeppelin) is 69.

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January 9th is:  Balloon Ascension Day, National Static Electricity Day and Panama Martyr Day.

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Quip for the day........You know your children are growing up when they stop asking where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------dumb, back to the archives........

A priest falls on hard times and is forced to sell his beloved horse. He explains to the new owner, "Remember now, you say, "Praise the Lord" to go and "Amen" to stop."

"Okay, I've got it!" the new owner says, and says, "Giddap" to no result. "Oh yeah, Praise the Lord" he says, and the horse starts off. This is nice, but I'd like to go a bit faster, he says to himself, so he says, "Praise the Lord" again, and goes a bit faster. This continues a few more times until he is running along very fast. There is a cliff ahead.

"Stop, Whoa, Stop, Oh yeah, Amen!!!!!"

The horse stops an inch from the edge of the cliff.

The guy wipes his brow and sighs, "Praise the Lord".

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In 1776, Thomas Payne anonymously published his influential pamphlet "Common Sense," which argued for American independence from British rule.

In 1920, the League of Nations was established as the Treaty of Versailles went into effect.

In 1946, the first General Assembly of the United Nations convened in London.

In 1984, the United States and the Vatican established full diplomatic relations for the first time in more than a century.

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Today----Opera singer Sherrill Milnes is 78, Blues artist Eddy Clearwater is 78, Rock singer-musician Ronnie Hawkins is 78, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Willie McCovey is 75, Movie director Walter Hill is 73, Singer Frank Sinatra Jr. is 69, Singer Rod Stewart is 68, Rock singer-musician Donald Fagen is 65, Actor William Sanderson is 65, Rock singer Alejandro Escovedo is 62, Rock musician Scott Thurston is 61, Singer Pat Benatar is 60, Hall of Fame race car driver and team owner Bobby Rahal is 60 and Boxing Hall-of-Famer George Foreman is 64.

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January 10th is:  National Cut Your Energy Costs Day and League of Nations Day.

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Quip for the day.......Old Indian Adage-----When the chips are down........the buffalo is empty.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah.......

It was Sally's first time serving jury duty and she was a bit apprehensive.  "I would like you to know," she told the judge, "that I feel very strongly that capital punishment is morally unjust and incorrect."

"That's OK," the judge said, "It probably won't be an issue in the case.  The plaintiff is suing he ex-husband for gambling away the money she had saved for remodeling her bathroom."

Sally replied, "Alright, I'll be happy to serve on this jury.  And I'm rethinking my stand against capital punishment."

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In 1908, President Theodore Roosevelt proclaimed the Grand Canyon National Monument.  (It became a national park in 1919.)

In 1913, the first enclosed sedan-type automobile, a Hudson, went on display at the 13th National Automobile Show in New York.

In 1927, the creation of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was proposed during a dinner of Hollywood luminaries at the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles.

In 1935, aviator Amelia Earhart began an 18-hour trip from Honolulu to Oakland that made her the first woman to fly solo across the Pacific Ocean.

In 1964, U.S. Surgeon General Luther Terry issued the first government report that said smoking may be hazardous to one's health.

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Today-------Producer Grant Tinker is 88, Actor Rod Taylor is 83, Composer Mary Rodgers is 82, Actor Mitchell Ryan is 79, Actor Felix Silla is 76, Movie director Joel Zwick is 71, Country singer Naomi Judd is 67 and World Golf Hall-of-Famer Ben Crenshaw is 61.

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January 11th is:  Cigarettes Are Hazardous To Your Health Day, Learn Your Name In Morse Code Day and National Human Trafficking Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day........A very rich couple got divorced and their lawyers lived happily everafter.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------old, but still funny......

A lady was at the beauty parlor getting her hair styled for a European vacation.

"Where are you going?" the hairdresser asked.

"Rome," the lady replied.

"Rome is filthy.  You'll hate it.  Where are you staying?"

"Oh, this cute little place called La Duchessa."

"It's a dump.  I have friends who said it was awful.  What are you doing in Rome?"

"The Vatican, for sure.  See the Pope......."

"Don't bother.  You'll never get close."

A month later, the lady was back in the beauty shop.  The hairdresser asked, "How was your trip?"

"Fantastic!  Rome was wonderful.  The placed we stayed was adorable.  And when we visited the Vatican, we were among a small group invited inside for a personal audience with the Pope."

"Holy cow!  What did the pope say to you?"

"He laid his hand on my shoulder and said, "Who did your hair?  It's awful!"

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In 1828, the United States and Mexico signed a Treaty of Limits defining the boundary between the two countries to be the same as the one established by an 1819 treaty between the U.S. and Spain.

In 1912, textile workers at the Everett Mill in Lawrence, MA., (most of them immigrant women) walked off the job to protest wage cuts.

In 1915, the House of Representatives rejected, 204-174, a constitutional amendment giving women the right to vote.

In 1932, Hattie W. Caraway became the first woman elected to the U.S. Senate after initially being appointed to serve out the remainder of the term of her late husband, Thaddeus.

In 1948, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Sipuel v. Board of Regents of University of Oklahoma, ruled that state law schools could not discriminate against applicants on the basis of race.

In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr. founded Motown Records (originally Tamla Records) in Detroit.

In 1971, the groundbreaking situation comedy "All in the Family" premiered on CBS television.

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Today------Actress Luise Rainer is 103, Country singer Ray Price is 87, Singer Glenn Yarbrough is 83, The "Amazing" Kreskin is 78, Country singer William Lee Golden is 74, Actor Anthony Andrews is 65, Movie director Wayne Wang is 64, Radio commentator Rush Limbaugh is 62, Actress Kirstie Alley is 62 and Country singer Ricky Van Shelton is 61.

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January 12th is:  Fruitcake Toss Day and Miss America Pageant.

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Quip for the day.........Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

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Larryj

[indygal]

Larry, I appreciate you posting these every day. I enjoy reading them, especially the birthday lists. Funny though, how no one younger than 60 has a birthday listed...maybe all the noteworthy celebrities were born before 1950. Just kidding. Keep up the good work!

[larryJ]

Larry, I appreciate you posting these every day. I enjoy reading them, especially the birthday lists. Funny though, how no one younger than 60 has a birthday listed...maybe all the noteworthy celebrities were born before 1950. Just kidding. Keep up the good work!

Thanks.  I think we should have a good laugh each day or read something that makes us think about a day in history or why there is a "wacky" holiday to celebrate.   

I could post all those who have birthdays on a particular day, but the list is usually long and not worth using up all the space.  I decided that since most of the Forum members are middleaged or older, they would only be interested in those who are older than 60.  I, for one, don't even recognize most of the ones that are under 60.  So I decided that 60 would be a good cut-off age.  I am glad you enjoy it.

Larryj