another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------and yet another oops.......

"Honey, I already know what I'm giving you next year for Christmas."

She saiid, "Oh, darling, you're so sweet.  Looking forward to next year!  What are you going to give me?"

"Baby, I'm going to give you a Waterford Crystal Nativity set with all the pieces."

She laughed, "Oh, honey, that's what you gave me this year!"

He replied, "I know, but I accidentally pulled it down from the mantle and broke it into a thousand pieces."

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In 1799, former President George Washington was eulogized by Col. Henry Lee as "first in war, first in peace and first in the hearts of his countrymen."

In 1908, Jack Johnson became the first African-American boxer to win the world heavyweight championship as he defeated Canadian Tommy Burns in Sydney, Australia.

In 1941, during World War II, Winston Churchill became the first British prime minister to address a joint meeting of the U.S. Congress.

In 1966, Kwanzaa was first celebrated.

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Today--------Actor Caroll Spinney (Big Bird on TV's "Sesame Street") is 79, Rhythm and Blues singer Abdul "Duke" Fakir (The Four Tops) is 77, Record producer Phil Spector is 73, "America's Most Wanted" host John Walsh is 67, Country musician Bob Carpenter (The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band) is 66, Baseball Hall-of-Fame catcher Carlton Fisk is 65 and Retired MLB All-Star Chris Chambliss is 64.

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December 26th is:  Boxing Day (Canada), Natiional Candy Cane Day, National Thank You Note Day and National Whiners Day.

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Quip for the day.......All I ask for is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------hah......

Dear Lord, so far this year, I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent.
I haven't broken any commandments.  I've committed no crimes.
I haven't cheated on my spouse.  I haven't lied or conned anyone.  I'm very thankful for that.

But, in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed.  It's a little after 6 in the morning on January 1.  From here on out, I'm going to need a lot of help..........a lot of help.

Thank you, Lord.

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In 1932, New York City's Radio City Music Hall opened to the public in midtown Manhattan.

In 1945, 28 nations signed an agreement creating the World Bank.

In 1947, the original version of the puppet character Howdy Doody made its TV debut on NBC's "Puppet Playhouse."

In 1985, American naturalist Dian Fossey, 53, who had studied gorillas in the wild in Rwanda, was found hacked to death.

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Today-----Rockabilly musician Scotty Moore is 81, Actor John Amos is 73, Actress Charmian Carr is 70, ABC News correspondent Cokie Roberts is 69, Rock musician Mick Jones is 68, Singer Tracy Nelson is 68, Actor Gerard Depardieu is 64, Jazz singer-musician T.S. Monk is 63, Singer-songwriter Karla Bonoff is 61, Actress Tovah Feldshuh is 60 and Rock musician David Knopfler is 60.

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December 27th is:  Saint John's Day.

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Quip for the day............Jesus loves you.............everyone else thinks you're an idiot.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----New Year's quotations.......

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in.  A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves....Bill Vaughn.
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account......Oscar Wilde.
I'm a littlle bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser......Robert Paul.
New Year's Eve -- when auld acquaintance be forgot, unless, of course, those tests come back postitive........Jay Leno.
New Year's Day is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions.  Next week you can begin paving Hell with them as usual........Mark Twain.
Every new year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?....Ogden Nash.

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In 1832, John C. Calhoun became the first vice president of the United States to resign, stepping down because of differences with President Andrew Jackson.

In 1846, Iowa became the 29th state to be admitted to the Union.

In 1912, San Francisco's Municipal Railway began operations with Mayor James Rolph Jr. at the controls of Streetcar No. 1 as 50,000 spectators looked on.

In 1945, Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance.

In 2011, Kaye Stevens, singer and actress who performed with the Rat Pack and was a frequent guest on Johnny Carson's "The Tonight Show," died in The Viilages, Florida, at age 79.

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Today------Actor Martin Milner is 81, Actress Nichelle Nichols is 80, Actress Dame Maggie Smith is 78, Rock singer-musician Charles Neville is 74, Rock singer-musician Edgar Winter is 66 and Comic book creator Stan Lee is 90.

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December 28th is:  Holy Innocents Day, National Chocolate Day (28-29) and Pledge Of Allegiance Day.

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Quip for the day........A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------sounds like my house.....

Finally, a stress-free New Year's diet that works!

Breakfast: 
1 slice of whole wheat toast
1 half grapefruit.

Lunch:
1 portion lean grilled chicken
1 portion steamed spinach
1 chocolate biscuit.

Afternoon snack:
Rest of package of chocolate biscuits.

Dinner:
1 slice pizza
1 small salad
1 4-ounce glass of red wine.

Bedtime snack:
Rest of pizza
Rest of bottle of wine.

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In 1812, during the War of 1812, the American frigate USS Constitution engaged and severely damaged the British frigate HMS Java off Brazil.

In 1845, Texas was admitted as the 28th state.

In 1890, the Wounded Knee massacre occurred in South Dakota as about 300 Sioux Indians were killed by U.S. troops sent to disarm them.

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Today------Actress Inga Swensen is 80, ABC newscaster Tom Jarriel is 78, Actress Mary Tyler Moore is 76, Actress Barbara Steele is 75, Actor Jon Voight is 74, Country singer Ed Bruce is 73, Rock musician Ray Thomas is 71, Singer Marianne Faithful is 66, Jockey Laffit Pincay Jr. is 66 and Actor Ted Danson is 65.

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December 29th is:  Tick Tock Day.

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Quip for the day........I was thinking about making a New Year's resolution, but what the heck --- why tamper with perfection.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah.......

The fellow overdid it at the New Year's Eve party, but he had the good sense to call for a cab.  That's about all the sense he had.

He collapsed in the back seat and ordered, "Drive me around the block a hundred times!"

The cabbie had seen it all.  He shrugged and said, "Sure, chief, whatever you say."

Around and around the block they went.  On the 65th trip, the soused fellow is back roused himself from his nap and shouted with a stern hiccup, "And step on it.  I'm in a hurry!"

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In 1853, the United States and Mexico signed a treaty under which the U.S. agreed to buy some 45,000 square miles of land from Mexico for $10 million in a deal known as the Gadsden Purchase.

In 1936, the United Auto Workers union staged its first "sit-down" strike at the General Motors Fisher Body Plant No. 1 in Flint, Michigan.  (The strike lasted until Feb. 11, 1937.)

In 1940, California's first freeway, the Arroyo Seco Parkway connecting Los Angeles and Pasadena, was officially opened by Gov. Culbert L. Olson.  (Note:  It is more commonly referred to as the Pasadena Freeway or the 110 freeway now and is, in my opinion, one of the scariest freeways to try to enter.  Many onramps have a stop sign at the bottom entrance to the freeway which requires "gunning it" to keep from getting hit while entering the freeway.  It is true that we now have regulated stop signals on other freeway onramps, but they are located far enough back allowing people to get up to speed before entering the freeway.)

In 1972, the United States halted its heavy bombing of North Vietnam.

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Today------Actor Joseph Bologna is 78, Actor Russ Tamblyn is 78, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Sandy Koufax is 77, Actor Jack Riley is 77, Folk singer Noel Paul Stookey is 75, Actor Fred Ward is 70, Singer-musician Michael Nesmith is 70, Actress Concetta Tomei is 67, Singer-songwriter-artist Patti Smith is 66 and Rock singer-musician Jeff Lynne is 65.

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December 30th is:  Bacon Day and Falling Needles Family Fest Day.

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Quip for the day........Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah......

The gentleman was smitten with a certain beautiful lady he spied from a distance the the New Year's Eve party.  He made several trips to the punchbowl, working up his courage and trying out various lines of introduction in his mind.

Finally, he approached her and invited her, with perfect diplomacy, to accompany him on a visit outside to enjoy a moment of fresh air.  To his delight, she agreed.

He so wanted to make a good impression.  He took great care to manage his somewhat tipsy gait as he escorted her across the patio, down a few steps and to the edge of a long reflecting pool.

"Good god!" he suddenly cried, as he caught sight of something in the pool.  "Whatever is that?"

"Why, it's only the moon," the lady said to him. 

He looked down at it in complete terror, and whimpered, "Then how did we get way up here?"

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In 1775, during the Revolutionary War, the British repulsed an attack by Continental Army generals Richard Montgomery and Benedict Arnold at Quebec; Montgomery was killed.

In 1879, Thomas Edison first publicly demonstrated his electric incandescent light in Menlo Park, NJ.

In 1972, Major League baseball player Roberto Clemente, 38, was killed when a plane he'd chartered, and was traveling on to bring relief supplies to earthquake-devastated Nicaragua, crashed shortly after takeoff from Puerto Rico.

In 1985, singer Rick Nelson, 45, and six other people were killed when fire broke out aboard a DC-3 that was taking the group to a New Year's Eve performance in Dallas.

In 1992, President George H.W. Bush visited Somalia, where he saw firsthand the famine racking the east African nation, and praised U.S. troops who were providing relief to the starving population.

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Today--------TV producer George Schlatter is 83, Actor Sir Anthony Hopkins is 75, Actor Tim Considine ("My Three Sons") is 72, Actress Sarah Miles is 71, Rock musician Andy Summers is 70, Actor Sir Ben Kingsley is 69, Fashion designer Diane von Furstenberg is 66, Actor Tim Matheson is 65, Pop singer Burton Cummings is 65, Actor Joe Dallesandro is 64 and Rock musician Tom Hamilton (Aerosmith) is 61.

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December 31st is:  Make Up Your Mind Day, No Interruptions Day, Universal Hour of Peace Day, World Peace Meditation Day and New Year's Eve.

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Quip for the day........Tonight's forecast:  Mostly drunk with a slight chance  of passing out.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------New Year's quotations........

Some men get so drunk at those New Year's Eve parties, they actually kiss their wives......P.J. O'Rourke.

It wouldn't be a proper New Year if I didn't have a few regrets......William Thomas.

I was thinking about giving up drinking in the New Year.  Then I realized it would be easier to give up thinking instead.....W.C. Fields.

Youth is when you are allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve.  Middle age is when you're forced to......Bill Vaughn.

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year's, but they really should be worried about what they eat between New Year's and Christmas........Anonymous.

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In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln signed and issued the Emancipation Proclamation, declaring that slaves in rebel states shall be "forever free."

In 1890, the first Tournament of Roses Parade was held in Pasadena.

In 1892, the Ellis Island immigrant station in New York was formally opened.

In 1913, the U.S. Parcel Post system went into operation.

In 1953, country singer Hank Williams Sr., 29, was discovered dead in the back seat of his car during a stop in Oak Hill, WVA, while he was being driven to a concert date in Canton, Ohio.

In 1983, the current version of the Internet came into being as the Internet protocol suite, commonly known as TCP/IP, became the mandatory standard.

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Today--------------Actor Ty Hardin is 83, Documentary maker Frederick Wiseman is 83, Actor Frank Langella is 75, Rock singer-musician Country Joe McDonald is 71, Writer-comedian Don Novello is 70, Actor Rick Hurst is 67 and Country singer Steve Ripley (The Tractors) is 63.

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January 1st is:  Copyright Law Day, Ellis Island Day, Euro Day, Global Family Day, First Foot Day, Mummer's Parade, New Year's Dishonor List Day, Polar Bear Plunge Day, St. Basil's Day, Z Day, Rose Bowl Game, Tournament of Roses Parade Day and New Year's Day.

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Quip for the day..........Many years ago I resolved to never bother with New Year's resolutions and I've stuck with it ever since.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------funny.......

If you're resolved to make health and fitness a priority in the new year, you should know that many others have done the same in years gone by.  Here are a few of their testimonials.

"I joined one of those expensive health clubs, and I haven't lost a pound.  Apparently you have to go there!"

"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise,' I wash my mouth out with chocolate."

"Hey, I'm over the hill.  That was exercise, right?"

"Whenever I worry about my personal appearance, I find a bar with a happy hour, and by the time I leave, I look just fine."

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In 1788, Georgia became the fourth state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.

In 1935, Bruno Hauptmann went on trial in Flemington, NJ., on charges of kidnapping and murdering the 20-month-old son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh.  (Hauptman was found guilty and executed.)

In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon signed legislation requiring states to limit highway speeds to 55 miles an hour.  (Federal speed limits were abolished in 1995.)

In 2006, 12 miners died in a methane gas explosion at the Sago Mine in West Virginia, but one miner, Randal McCloy Jr., was eventually rescued.

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Today--------Country musician Harold Bradley is 87, Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert is 71, Zookeeper Jack Hanna is 66 and Actress Wendy Phillips is 61.

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Janurary 2nd is:  Happy Mew Year For Cats Day, National Buffet Day, National Motivation and Inspiration Day, National Personal Trainer Awareness Day, National Science Fiction Day and 55-MPH Speed Limit Day.

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Quip for the day........If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating too slowly.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------"old" day.........

Two elderly neighbors meet at the fence and start talking.

"What's new with you, Clarence?"

"Actually, Stanley, I have some great news.  I finally saw a doctor about my hearing loss."

Stanley:  "That's great, Clarence.  You've been going deaf, alright.  What did the doctor do for you?"

Clarence:  "Well, he fixed me up with this fancy new hearing aid.  It cost me $4,000, but let me tell you, it is state-of-the-art!  I can hear perfectly now."

Stanley:  "Wow, what kind is it?"

Clarence, checking his wrist:  "It's 12:30."

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In 1911, the first postal savings banks were opened by the U.S. Post Office.  (The banks were abolished in 1966.)

In 1938, the March of Dimes campaign to fight polio was established by President Franklin D. Roosevelt, who himself had been afflicted with the crippling disease.

In 1961, President Dwight D. Eisenhower announced the United States was formally terminating diplomatic and consular relations with Cuba.

In 1967, Jack Ruby, the man who shot and killed accused presidential assassin Lee Harvey Oswald, died in a Dallas hospital.

In 1980, conservationist Joy Adams, author of "Born Free," was killed in northern Kenya by a former employee.

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Today------Actor Robert Loggia is 83, Actor Dabney Coleman is 81, Journalist-author Betty Rollin is 77, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Hull is 74, Singer-songwriter-producer Van Dyke Parks is 70, Singer-songwriter-musician Stephen Stills is 68, Rock musician John Paul Jones is 67 and Actress Victoria Principal is 63.

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January 3rd is:  Drinking Straw Day, J.R.R. Tolkien Day and National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day.

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Quip for the day..........Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------Thoughts to ponder........

So, if hell freezes over, does the snowball have a chance?

If you're bailing water out of a sinking boat, does it matter whether the glass is half full or half empty?

Why, oh why, did Noah save those chiggers, ticks and mosquitoes?

How could Nero fiddle while Rome burned, when the fiddle wasn't invented for another 1500 years?

Time flies when you're having fun, but time isn't fun when you're having flies.

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In 1821, the first native-born American saint, Elizabeth Ann Seton, died in Emmitsburg, Maryland.

In 1896, Utah was admitted as the 45th state.

In 1904, the Supreme Court, in Gonzales v. Williams, ruled that Puerto Ricans were not aliens and could enter the United States freely;  however, the court stopped short of declaring them U.S. citizens.

In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, in his State of the Union address, called for legislation to provide assistance for the jobless, elderly, impoverished children and the handicapped.

In 1943, Soviet dictator Josef Stalin appeared on the cover of Time as the magazine's 1942 "Man of the Year."

In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon refused to hand over tape recordings and documents subpoenaed by the Senate Watergate Committee.

In 2007, Nancy Pelosi was elected the first female speaker of the House as Democrats took control of Congress.

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Today-------Actress Barbara Rush is 86, Football Hall-of-Fame coach Don Shula is 83, Actress Dyan Cannon is 76 and Author-historian Doris Kearns Goodwin is 70.

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January 4th is:  Dimpled Chad Day, Pop Music Chart Day, Tom Thumb Day, Trivia Day, World Braille Day and World Hypnotism Day.

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Quip for the day.....The older you get the better you realize you were.

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Larryj