another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah......

Dan didn't like dogs.  In fact, he hated dogs.  He didn't want dogs anywhere near him.

One morning he was driving his car down the a busy street and he saw ahead of him a fellow running full force with two big dogs after him. 

"I've got to save this guy," Dan thought, and with that he quickly sped up along side of the running man, abruptly stopped, rolled down his window and yelled, "Hurry!  Hop in!"

"Thanks!" said the fellow, opening the door.  "It's always hard for me to get a ride when I have my two dogs with me.  Here, Butch!  Here Bluto!"

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In 1790, Congress moved to Philadelphia from New York.

In 1884, Army engineers completed construction of the Washington Monument by setting an aluminum capstone atop the obelisk.

In 1889, Jefferson Davis, the first and only president of the Confederate States of America, died in New Orleans.

In 1947, Everglades National Park in Florida was dedicated by President Harry S. Truman.

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Today-------Comedy performer David Ossman is 76, Actor Patrick Bauchau is 74, Country singer Helen Cornelius is 71, Actor James Naughton is 67, Rhythm and blues singer Frankie Beverly (Maze) is 66 and Actress JoBeth Williams is 64.

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December 6th is:  Miners' Day, National Pawnbrokers Day and St. Nicholas Day.

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Quip for the day..............My dog can lick anyone!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------nice guy....

Wife:  "Oh, dear, I just got off the phone with my mother."
Husband:  "What's the matter?"
Wife:  "She's going to fly out here for a visit, but I'm worried."
Husband (concealing a grimace):  "What are you worried about?"
Wife:  "Flying is so expensive now.  I'm worried that Mum can't afford it.  Is there any way we can help her?"
Husband (after a moment's thought):  "Absolutely!  Call her right back and tell her I will pay for the return portion of her trip, whenever she is ready to go!"

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In 1787, Delaware became the first state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.

In 1909, chemist Leo H. Baekeland received a U.S. patent for Bakelite, the first synthetic plastic.

In 1941, Japan launched a surprise attack on the U.S. Navy base at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii as part of its plan to conquer Southeast Asian territories; the raid, which claimed some 2,400 American lives, prompted the United States to declare war against Japan the next day.

In 1972, America's last moon mission to date was launched as Apollo 17 blasted off from Cape Canaveral.

In 2002, Space Shuttle Endeavor returned to Earth, bringing an astronaut and a pair of cosmonauts home from a 6-month space station voyage.

In 2011, veteran character actor Harry Morgan, 96, died in Brentwood, CA.

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Today----Actor Eli Wallach is 97, Political philosopher Noam Chomsky is 84, Actress Ellen Burstyn is 80, Broadcast journalist Carole Simpson is 72, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Johnny Bench is 65, Actor-director-producer James Keach is 65, Country singer Gary Morris is 64 and Singer-songwriter-actor Tom Waits is 63.

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December 7th is:  National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day, Faux Fur Friday, International Civil Aviation Day and National Cotton Candy Day.

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Quip for the day.....My mother-in-law's other car is a broom.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------a little military humor.......

Pulling rank doesn't always pay.

I overheard the following conversation at an Army base the other day, and it illustrates my point.

Officer:  "Say there, soldier, do you have change for dollar?"

Soldier:  "Sure, buddy."

Officer:  "Buddy?  You called me buddy?  That's no way to address an officer!"

Soldier:  "Sorry, sir."

Officer:  "Okay, let's try this again.  Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier:  "No, SIR!"

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In 1776, during the Revolutionary War, Gen. George Washington's retreating army crossed the Delaware River from New Jersey into Pennsylvania.

In 1941, the United States entered World War II as Congress declared war against Japan, a day after the attack on Pearl Harbor.

In 1980, rock star John Lennon was shot to death outside his New York City apartment building by an apparently deranged fan.

In 1987, President Ronald Reagan and Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev signed a treaty at the White House calling for destruction of intermediate-range nuclear missiles.

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Today-------Actor-director Maximilian Schell is 82, Flutist James Galway is 73, Singer Jerry Butler is 73, Pop musician Bobby Elliot is 71, Actress Mary Woronov is 69, Actor John Rubinstein is 66, Rock singer-musician Gregg Allman is 65 and Reggae singer Toots Hibbert is 64.

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December 8th is:  Day Of The Horse, International Shareware Day and Pretend To Be A Time Traveler.

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Quip for the day........Who cares if a laser guided 500 lb bomb is accurate to within 9 feet?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------funny.....

A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.  Not fully understanding the situation, he joins the crowd and untimately finds himself in the water, face-to-face with the preacher.

The preacher cries, "Welcome, brother!  Are you ready to find Jehovah?"  The man considers this for a moment, then stammers, "Yes, I am."

The preacher plunges him underwater, holds him down for a while, then lifts him up and asks, "Brother, have you found Jehovah?"  The sputtering drunk replies, "No, I haven't"

The preacher tries again.  The answer is the same.

The preacher makes a third attempt.  "Have you found Jehovah?" he asks.  The man gasps, "I don't see him.  Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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In 1911, an explosion inside the Cross Mountain coal mine new Bricewille, Tennessee, killed 84 workers.  (Five were rescued.)

In 1958, the anti-communist John Birch Society was formed in Indianapolis.

In 1962, the Petrified Forest if Arizona was designated a national park.

In 1984, the five-day-old hijacking of a Kuwaiti jetliner that claimed the lives of two Americans ended as Iranian security men seized control of the plane, which was parked at Tehran airport.

In 2002, United Airlines filed for bankruptcy protection after losing $4 billion in the previous two years.  (United emerged from bankruptcy protection in 2006.)

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Today------------Actor Dick Van Patten is 84, Actor Beau Bridges is 71, Football Hall-of-Famer Dick Butkus is 70, Actor Michael Nouri is 67, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Tom Kite is 63, Singer Joan Armstrading is 62 and Actor Michael Dorn is 60.

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December 9th is:  International Anti-Corruption Day, Worldwide Candle Lighting Day, Weary Willie Day and World Choral Day.

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Quip for the day.......There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----good one.......

A cop pulls over a motorist for speeding.  He pulls his gun when he sees a set of long throwing knives laid out on the motorist's passenger seat.

"I'm a juggler!  Those are part of my act!" the motorist protests.  "I'm running late for my next show."

The cop lowers his gun, and says, "You're a juggler, huh?  Well, I'm going to ask you to prove it."

The juggler gets out of the car, with the knives, and starts juggling them.  All five are in the air.  He's good.

Just then another car drives by, and there are two guys in it.  One guy says to the other, "Man, those sobriety tests are getting ridiculous."

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In 1906, President Theodore Roosevelt became the first American to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, for helping mediate an end to the Russo-Japanese War.

In 1931, Jane Addams became the first American woman to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize; the co-recipient was Nicholas Murray Butler.

In 1948, the U.N. General Assembly adopted its Universal Declaration on Human Rights.

In 1950, Ralph J. Bunche was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, the first black American to receive the award.

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Today-----------Actor Tommy Kirk is 71, Actress Fionnula Flanagan is 71, Pop singer Chad Stuart (Chad and Jeremy) is 71, Pop-funk musician Walter "Clyde" Orange (The Commodores) is 66, Rhythm and Blues singer Jessica Cleaves (Friends of Distinction) is 64, Country singer Johnny Rodriguez is 61 and Actress Susan Dey is 60.

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December 10th is:  Dewey Decimal System Day, Human Rights Day and Nobel Peace Prize Day.

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Quip for the day........AIRHEAD (er*hed) n.  What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------old, back to the archives........

One day, a man buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT.  He decides to try it out at dinner that night.  As the family is sitting at the dinner table, he asks his son, "What did you do today, son?"

The son says, "I was at school."  The robot slaps this son.  "Okay, I was at a friend's house watching a DVD."

The father says, "What DVD were you watching?"  The son says, "Toy Story."  The robot slaps him.

"Okay, we were watching an X-rated movie," the son says.

The father says, "That's terrible.  When I was your age, I didn't even know what that kind of movie was."  The robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"  

The robot slaps the mother..................

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In 1941, Germany and Italy declared war on the United States; the U.S. responded in kind.

In 1972, Apollo 17's lunar vehicle landed on the moon with astronauts Eugene Cernan and Harrison Schmitt aboard; during three extravehicular activities, they became the last two men to date to step onto the lunar surface.

In 1981, Muhammad Ali, 39, fought his final fight, losing by unamimous decision to Trevor Berbick in Nassau, Bahamas.

In 2008, Bernie Madoff was arrested, accused of running a multibillion dollar Ponzi scheme.

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Today---Actor Jean-Louis Trintignant is 82, Actress Rita Moreno is 81, Pop singer David Gaters (Bread) is 72, Actress Donna Mills is 70, Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., is 69, Singer Brenda Lee is 68, Actress Lynda Day George is 68, Music Producer Tony Brown is 66, Actress Teri Garr is 65 and Movie director Susan Seidelman is 60.

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December 11th is:  International Mountain Day and UNICEF Birthday.

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Quip for the day.......If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course...........at least he will shut up once he is inside.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah.......

To the astonishment of everyone, especially the judge, the jury returned after long deliberations with a verdict of not guilty.

Pandemonium broke out in the courtroom.  The judge pounded his gavel to restore order.  He then called a recess and summoned the jury into his chambers.

"You listened to hours of credible testimony, and you examined dozens of exhibits, all pointing to the defendant's certain guilt," he said to them.  "Upon what possible basis did you arrive at a verdict of not guilty?"

The jury foreman replied, "Insanity."

The judge thundered, "What!  All 12 of you?"

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In 1870, Joseph H. Rainey of South Carolina became the first black lawmaker sworn into the U.S. House of Representatives.

In 1917, Father Edward Flanagan founded Boys Town outside Omaha, Nebraska.

In 1925, the first motel -- the Motel Inn -- opened in San Luis Obispo, CA.

In 1946, a United Nations committee voted to accept a six-block tract of Manhattan real estate offered as a gift by John D. Rockefeller Jr. to be the site of the U.N.'s headquarters.

In 2007, President George W. Bush vetoed a second bill that would have expanded government-provided health insurance for children.

In 2007, Ike Turner, the rock pioneer and ex-husband of Tina Turner, died in San Marcos at age 76.

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Today---Former TV host Bob Barker is 89, Former New York City Mayor Edward Koch is 88, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob Pettit is 80, Singer Connie Francis is 75, Singer Dionne Warwick is 72, Rock singer-musician Dickey Betts is 69, Former race car driver and two-time Formula 1 champion Emerson Fittipaldi is 66, Actor Wings Hauser is 65, Actor Bill Nighy is 63, Actor Duane Chase is 62, Country singer LaCosta is 62 and Gymnast-turned-actress Cathy Rigby is 60.

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December 12th is:  Gingerbread House Day and Poinsettia Day.

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Quip for the day.........A jury is 12 people who will decide which side has the better lawyer.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------smart lady.....

Two grandmothers were complaining about their grandchildren.

"I'm not sure what to give them for Christmas," one of the grandmothers said.  "Last year I sent money, but I didn't get a single thank you from any of them."

Said the other, "I know what you mean.  I used to have the same problem, but I figured out a solution.  Last Christmas I wrote each one of my grandchildren a check, and they all came by to thank me personally."

"Wow, what was your secret?"

"I didn't sign the checks!"

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In 1918, President Woodrow Wilson arrived in France, becoming the first chief executive to visit Europe while in office.

In 1962, the United States launched Relay 1, a communications satellite which retransmitted television, telephone and digital signals.

In 2000, Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore conceded to Republican George W. Bush, a day after the U.S. Supreme Court shut down further recounts in Florida.

In 2003, Saddam Hussein was captured by U.S. forces while hiding in a hole under a farmhouse in Adwar, Iraq, near his hometown of Tikrit.

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Today------Former Secretary of State George P. Shulz is 92, Actor-comedian Dick Van Dyke is 87, Actor Christopher Plummer is 83, Country singer Buck White is 82, Music/film producer Lou Adler is 79, Singer John Davidson is 71, Actress Kathy Garver is 67, Rock-singer-musician-outdoorsman Ted Nugent is 64, Rock musician Jeff "Skunk" Baxter is 64, Country musician Ron Getman is 64, Country singer-musician Randy Owen is 63 and Actress Wendie Malick is 62.

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December 13th is:  Pick A Pathologist Pal Day.

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Quip for the day............(from a friend on FB).......Duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah....

Two wives are discussing the matter of Christmas shopping for their husbands.

"Oh, I solved the problem a long time ago," one said.  "I simply give my husband a new necktie each year.  He's crazy about them."

The second wife said, "How clever.  Well, I'm sure I've seen him wearing many of them."

The first wife says, "Oh, no.  He tells me they are too precious to him, and he doesn't want to wear them out.  He has never worn a single one of them once!"

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In 1799, the first president of the United States, George Washington, died at his Mount Vernon, VA, home at age 67.

In 1911, Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen and his team became the first men to reach the South Pole, beating out a British expedition led by Robert F. Scott.

In 1946, the United Nations General Assembly voted to establish U.N. headquarters in New York.

In 1962, the U.S. space probe Mariner 2 passed Venus at a distance of just over 21,000 miles, transmitting information about the planet, such as its hot surface temperatures and predominantly carbon dioxide atmosphere.

In 1972, Apoll 17 astronauts concluded their third and final moonwalk and blasted off for their rendezvous with the command module.

In 1986, the experimental aircraft Voyager, piloted by Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager, took off from Edwards Air Force Base in California on the first non-stop, non fueled flight around the world.

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Today----------Jazz musician Clark Terry is 92, Singer-actress Abbe Lane is 81, Actor Hal Williams is 74, Actress-singer Jane Birkin is 66, Actress Patty Duke is 66, Pop singer Joyce Vincent-Wilson (Tony Orlando and Dawn) is 66, Entertainment executive Michael Ovitz is 66, Actress Dee Wallace is 64, Rhythm-and-Blues singer Ronnie McNeir (The Four Tops) is 63 and Rock musician Cliff Williams (AC/DC) is 63.

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December 14th is:  Monkee Day and National Salesperson Day.

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Quip for the day.....Smile and the world smiles with you.  Pass gas and you smile alone.

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Larry

[larryJ]

Today's-----sorry, in the wake of the shootings in Connecticut, I am not up to it today.

Larryj