another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------good one......

The couple of many years were sitting on the patio of their retirement condo.

It was a lovely afternoon.

The woman took a sip of her glass of wine and said, "You know, I love you so much.  I don't know how I ever could live without you."

The man looked up from his newspaper, straightened his spectacles, and said, "Wow, is that you, or is that the wine talking?"

There was a long pause, then the woman replied, "That was me....................talking to the wine."

_______________________________________________

In 1789, November 26 was a day of thanksgiving set aside by President George Washington to observe the adoption of the Constitution of the United States.

In 1842, the founders of the University of Notre Dame arrived at the school's present-day site near South Bend, Indiana.

In 1941, a Japanese naval task force consisting of six aircraft carriers left the Kuril Islands, headed toward Hawaii.

In 1942, the motion picture "Casablanca," starring Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman, had its world premiere at the Hollywood Theater in New York.

_______________________________________________

Today-------Actress Ellen Albertini Dow is 99, Impressionist Rich Little is 74, Singer Tina Turner is 73, Singer Jean Terrell is 68, Pop musician John McVie is 67 and Actress Marianne Muellerleile is 64.

_______________________________________________

November 26th is:  Cyber Monday.

_______________________________________________

Quip for the day........Don't drink and drive.  You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

_______________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------more kids........

Poor kid.  He was at that awkward age.  Namely, five.

He had no idea he didn't belong in the ladies room.  In fact, his mother had taken him into many such facilities in the past.  It wasn't a problem.

So, when he became momentarily separated from his mother at the fitness center, he was relieved to find the door with the silhouette of a woman on it.  Maybe his mother was in there, he thought.

He marched right into the women's dressing room, and he was dismayed when all the women started shrieking and running and grabbing for towels or items of clothing.

Was there something wrong with them?  Was there something wrong with him?

Finally, he stammered, "What's the matter?  Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

___________________________________________

In 1901, the U.S. Army War College was established in Washington, D.C.

In 1962, the first Boeing 727 was rolled out at the company's Renton Plant.

In 1973, the Senate voted 92-3 to confirm Gerald R. Ford as vice president, succeeding Spiro T. Agnew, who'd resigned.

In 1978, San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and City Supervisor Harvey Milk, a gay-rights activist were shot to death inside City Hall by former supervisor Dan White.

___________________________________________

Today-----Actress Connie Sawyer is 100, Author Gail Sheehy is 75, Actor James Avery is 64 and Academy Award-winning director Kathryn Bigelow ("The Hurt Locker") is 61.

___________________________________________

November 27th is:  National Day of Listening.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.......Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------too funny............

A husband and wife are at a disco.  It's the wife's idea.  Hubby would rather be anywhere else.

There's this handsome guy on the dance floor performing with unrestrained exuberance -- break dancing, moon walking, back flips.
The works.

The wife turns to the husband, who can't dance a lick, and says, "You see that man?  Almost 25 years ago he proposed to me, and I turned him down!"

The husband pondered this for a moment, then said, "Looks like he's still celebrating."

___________________________________________

In 1942, nearly 500 people died in a fire that destroyed the Cocoanut Grove nightclub in Boston.

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy dedicated the original permanent headquarters of the Central Intelligence Agency in Langley, VA.

In 1961, Ernie Davis of Syracuse University became the first African-American to be named winner of the Heisman Trophy.

In 1964, the United States launched the space probe Mariner 4 on a course to Mars.

___________________________________________

Today------Former Sen. Gary Hart, D-Colo., is 76, Singer-songwriter Bruce Channel is 72, Singer Randy Newman is 69, CBS News correspondent Susan Spencer is 66, Movie director Joe Dante is 65, "Late Show" orchestra leader Paul Shaffer is 63, Actor Ed Harris is 62, Former NASA teacher in space Barbara Morgan is 61 and Actress S. Epatha Merkerson is 60.

___________________________________________

November 28th is:  Red Planet Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.......The wise never marry........And when they marry they become otherwise.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------blonde day......

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy, just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... "If you need anything just let me know."

Well... a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??"

"No..." exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!"

________________________________________________

In 1864, a Colorado militia killed at least 150 peaceful Cheyenne Indians in the Sand Creek Massacre.

In 1961, Enos the chimp was launched from Cape Canaveral aboard the Mercury-Atlas 5 spacecraft, which orbited earth twice before returning.

In 1972, the coin-operated video arcade game Pong, created by Atari, made it's debut at Andy Capp's Tavern in Sunnyvale, CA.

In 1981, actress Natalie Wood drowned in a boating accident off Santa Catalina Island at age 43.

In 1986, actor Cary Grant died in Davenport, Iowa, at age 82.

In 2001, George Harrison of The Beatles died in Los Angeles following a battle with cancer; he was 58.

___________________________________________

Today------Blues singer-musician John Mayall is 79, Actress Diane Ladd is 77, Composer-musician Chuck Mangione is 72, Pop singer-musician Felix Cavaliere is 70, Olympic skier Suzy Chaffee is 66, Comedian Gary Shandling is 63, Actor Jeff Fahey is 60 and (my hero) Hall-of-Fame sportscaster Vin Scully is 85.

___________________________________________

November 29th is:  Electronics Greetings Day and International Day of Solidarity With The Palastinian People.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.....A blonde looked at her driver's license and got depressed when she saw that she got an "F" in sex.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------two for one day.....

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

________________________________________________________

A guy walks into a bar and sees a woman sitting at the bar by herself.  After a few drinks he goes over and sits beside her, puts his arm around her and kisses her on the neck.

She turns and slaps him as hard as she can.  He says, "I'm sorry.  I thought you were my wife.  You look exactly like her."

She says, "Get away from me, you worthless, no good punk!"

He says, "Wow! That's amazing!  You sound just like her, too!"

________________________________________________________

In 1782, the United States and Britain signed preliminary peace articles in Paris, ending the Revolutionary War.

In 1803, Spain completed the process of ceding Louisiana to France, which had sold it to the United States.

In 1835, Samuel Langhorne Clemns -- better known as Mark Twain -- was born in Florida, Missouri.

In 2007, An Amtrak train and a freight train collided on a track on the South Side of Chicago, injuring dozens of people.

In 2007, motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel died in Clearwater, Florida, at age 69.

________________________________________________________

Today--------Actor Efrem Zimbalist Jr. is 94, Actor Robert Guillaume is 85, Radio talk show host G. Gordon Liddy is 82, Country singer-recording executive Jimmy Bowen is 75, Movie director Ridley Scott is 75, Movie writer-director Terrence Malick is 69, Rock musician Roger Glover (Deep Purple) is 67, Actress Margaret Whitton is 62 and Actor Mandy Patinkin is 60.

________________________________________________________

November 30th is:  Computer Security Day, National Call Congress (Social Security), National Meth Awareness Day and Stay Home Because You Are Well Day.

________________________________________________________

Quip for the day.......Give a man a fish and he will have a meal........Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

________________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------old, but funny......

A woman goes to her doctor's office for a checkup.  The nurse starts with the basics.  "How much do you weigh?" she asked the patient.  The woman replies, "140 pounds."

Nurse says, "OK, let's double-check.  Can you step on the scales, please?"

The woman steps on the scales.  Nurse says, "Actually, your weight is 171."  The woman gasps.

Nurse says, "What is your height?"  The woman says, "It's five foot 8."

Nurse says, "OK, let's check.  Hmmm, actually, you're five foot 3."  The woman gasps again.

Nurse then takes the woman's blood pressure and reports, "It's quite high."

The woman cries, "Of course it's high!  When I came in here, I was tall and slender.  Now, I'm short and fat!"

__________________________________________

In 1824, the presidential election was turned over to the U.S. House of Representatives when a deadlock developed between John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, William H. Crawford and Henry Clay.  (Adams ended up the winner.)

In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln sent his Second Annual Message to Congress, which was read aloud by the Secretary of State.  In it, Lincoln called for the abolition of slavery, saying that, "in giving freedom to the slave, we assure freedom for the free," and toward the end of his message, wrote:  "Fellow citizens, we can not escape history.  We of this Congress and this Administration will be remembered in spite of ourselves."

In 1955, Rosa Parks, a black seamstress, was arrested after refusing to give up her seat to a white man on a Montgomery, Alabama, city bus; the incident sparked a yearlong boycott of the buses by blacks.

___________________________________________

Today-----Former CIA director Stansfield Turner is 89, Singer Billy Paul is 78, Actor-director Woody Allen is 77, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Lee Trevino is 73, Singer Dianne Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 73, Television producer David Salzman is 69, Rock musician Eric Bloom (Blue Oyster Cult) is 68, Rock musician John Densmore (The Doors) is 68, Actress-singer Bette Midler is 67, Singer Gilbert O'Sullivan is 66 and Actor Treat Williams is 61.

___________________________________________

December 1st is:  Bifocals At The Monitor Liberation Day, Earmuff Day, Special Kids Day, Civil Air Patrol Day, Day With(out) Art Day, Rosa Parks Day, Skywarn Recognition Day and World AIDS Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day......You know you're fat when you step on the scale and it says, "One at a time, please."

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------old, but worth repeating.....

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on; neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of  unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

______________________________________________

In 1859, militant abolitionist John Brown was hanged for his raid on Harper's Ferry the previous October.

In 1927, Ford Motor Co. unveiled its Model A automobile that replaced its Model T.

In 1939, New York Municipal Airport-LaGuardia Field (later LaGuardia Airport) went into operation as an airliner from Chicago landed at one minute past midnight.

In 1982, in the first operation of its kind, doctors at the University of Utah Medical Center implanted a permanent artificial heart in the chest of retired dentist Dr. Barney Clark, who lived 112 days with the device.

_____________________________________________

Today-----Actress Julie Harris is 87, Former Attorney General Edwin Meese III is 81, Actress Cathy Lee Crosby is 68, Movie director Penelope Spheeris is 67, Actor Ron Raines is 63 and Actor Keith Szarabahjka is 60.

_____________________________________________

December 2nd is:  International Day For The Abolition Of Slavery, National Mutt Day and Special Education Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day........The statistics on sanity are that one of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.  Think of three of your best friends.  If they are okay................then its you.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----more kids.......

Never underestimate the wisdom of children.

A little girl was watching her parents dress up for one of their big society parties.  When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she said, "Uh-oh."

Her father looked at her, and was startled by the expression of deep concern on her face.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?" he asked her.

She said, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

Her father smiled and and said, "Well, why not, sweetheart?"

The little girl replied, "You know it always gives you a headache the next morning!"

________________________________________________

In 1833, Oberlin College in Ohio -- the first truly coeducational school of higher learning in the United States -- began holding classes.

In 1947, the Tennessee Williams play "A Streetcar Named Desire" opened on Broadway.

In 1967, surgeons in Cape Town, South Africa led by Dr. Christiaan Barnard, performed the first human heart transplant on Louis Washiansky, who lived 18 days with the new heart.

In 1992, the first telephone text message was sent by British engineer Neil Papworth, who transmitted the greeting "Merry Christmas" from his work computer in Newbury, Berkshire, to Vodafone executive Richard Jarvis' mobile phone.

________________________________________________

Today----Movie director Jean-Luc Godard is 82, Singer Jaye P. Morgan is 81, Actor Nicolas Caster is 79 and Rock singer Mickey Thomas is 63.

________________________________________________

December 3rd is:  International Day of Disabled Persons.

________________________________________________

Quip for the day......Did you hear about the pessimist who opened a Chinese restaurant?  He only sold misfortune cookies.  (groan)

________________________________________________


Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------funny......

The difference between the words "completed" and "finished" have been debated endlessly.

But at a recent conference in London, attended by some of the leading linguists in the world, Smasundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, came up with a winning solution.

To the problem, stated as follows:  "Some say there is no difference between the words 'completed' and 'finished.'  Please explain any difference in a way that is easy to understand," and he answered as follows:

"When you marry the right woman, you are completed.  But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.  And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished."

His answer earned a standing ovation lasting more than 5 minutes.

_________________________________________________

In 1783, Gen. George Washington bade farewell to his Continental Army officers at Fraunces Tavern in New York.

In 1942, U.S. bombers struck the Italian mainland for the first time in World War II.

In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt ordered the dismantling of the WPA, which had been created to provide jobs during the Depression.

In 1978, San Francisco got its first female mayor as City Supervisor Dianne Feinstein was named to replace the assassinated George Moscone.

In 1992, President George H.W. Bush ordered American troops to lead a mercy mission to Somalia, threatening military action against warlords and gangs who were blocking food for starving millions.

__________________________________________________

Today----Actress-singer Deanna Durbin is 91, Game show host Wink Martindale  is 79, Pop singer Freddie Cannon is 76, Actor-producer Max Baer Jr. is 75, Actress Gemma Jones is 70, Rock musician Bob Mosley (Moby Grape) is 70, Singer-musician Chris Hillman is 68, Musician Terry Woods (The Pogues) is 65, Rock-singer Southside Johnny Lyon is 64 and Actress Patricia Wettig is 61.

__________________________________________________

December 4th is:  National Cookie Day and National Dice Day.

__________________________________________________

Quip for the day.......I had amnesia once....... or maybe twice.......

__________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----old, but one of my faves............

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of beer and puts in the cart.  "What do you think you're doing?" the wife asks.

The husband replies, "They're on sale -- only $10 for 24 cans."

"Put them back.  We can't afford them," the wife insists.  The husband grumblingly complies.

A few aisles later, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.  "What do you think you're doing," the husband asks.

The wife replies, "It's my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful."

The husband retorts, "So does a 24-pack of beer, and it's half the price."

_____________________________________________

In 1776, the first scholastic fraternity in America, Phi Beta Kappa, was organized at the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, VA.

In 1792, George Washington was re-elected president; John Adams was re-elected vice president.

In 1848, President James K Polk triggered the Gold Rus of '49 by confirming that gold had been discovered in California.

In 1932, German physicist Albert Einstein was granted a visa, making it possible for him to travel to the United States.

In 1933, national Prohibition came to an end as Utah became the 36th state to ratify the 21st Amendment to the Constitution, repealing the 18th Amendment.

In 1955, the American Federation of Labor and the Congress of Industrial Organizations merged to form the AFL-CIO under its first president, George Meany.

In 1962, the United States and the Soviet Union announced a bilateral space agreement on exchanging weather data from satellites, mapping Earth's magnetic field and cooperation in the experimental relay of communications.

In 2002, ABC executive Roone Arledge died in New York at age 71.

________________________________________________

Today------Singer Little Richard is 80, Author Joan Didion is 78, Author Calvin Trillin is 77, Musician J.J. Cale is 74, Actor Jeroen Krabbe is 68, Opera singer Jose Carreras is 66, Pop singer Jim Messina is 65, College Football Hall-of-Famer Jim Plunkett is 65, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Lanny Wadkins is 63 and Actress Morgan Brittany is 61.

________________________________________________

December 5th is:  AFL-CIO Day, Bathtub Party Day, International Ninja Day and International Volunteer Day For Economic and Social Development.

________________________________________________

Quip for the day........My wife and I always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops.

________________________________________________

Larryj