another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------maybe somebody, somewhere hasn't heard this one...........

A man is walking home alone late one night, when he hears a noise behing him -- bump, bump, bump!

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the sidewalk, following him -- bump, bump, bump!

Terrified, the man begins to run, but the coffin bounces faster --- bump, bump, bump!

He runs to his door, fumbles with his keys, rushes in, and slams and locks the door behind him, but the coffin CRASHES through the door!

He races up the stairs, runs down the hall and locks himself in the bathroom, but the coffin is right behind him -- BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!

The coffin CRASHES through the bathroom door.  The man screams and reaches for something, anything.  There's a bottle of cough syrup on the counter.  Desperate, he grabs the cough syrup and THROWS it at the coffin!

(are you ready?)

The coffin stops.

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In 1787, the first of the Federalist Papers, a series of essays calling for ratification of the United States Constitutution, was published under the pseudonym "Publius."  (The essays were a collaborative effort by Alexander Hamilton, James Madison and John Jay.)

In 1904, the first rapid transit subway, the IRT, was inaugurated in New York City.

In 1922, the first celebration of Navy Day took place.*

In 1938, Du Pont announced a name for its new synthetic yarn:  "nylon."

In 1947, "You Bet Your Life," starring Groucho Marx, premiered on ABC Radio.  (It later became a television show on NBC.)

In 1962, during the Cuban Missile Crisis, a U-2 reconnaissance aircraft was shot down while flying over Cuba, killing the pilot, U.S. Air Force Maj. Rudolf Anderson Jr.

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Today-------Actress Nanette Fabray is 92, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Ralph Kiner is 90, Actress Ruby Dee is 88, Actor-comedian John Cleese is 73, Author Maxine Hong Kingston is 72, Country singer Lee Greenwood is 70, Producer-director Ivan Reitman is 66, Country singer-musician Jack Daniels is 63, Rock musician Garry Tallent is 63, Author Fran Lebowitz is 62, Rock musician K.K. Downing is 61, TV personality Jayne Kennedy is 61 and Actor-director Roberto Benigni is 60.

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*27 days into the month, it has dawned on me that I was taking the information about holidays from a 2013 calendar.  My bad.  If you have noticed that some holidays I listed are not on the right day, that is why.  The rest of the month will be correct.

October 27th is:  Cranky Co-workers Day, Make a Difference Day, National Forgiveness Day and Navy Day.**

**Two of these were listed as yesterday's holidays.

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Quip for the day.......What do you do with a green monster?  Wait until it ripens.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------punny........


It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar.

"Evening," the bartender said.  "What will you have?"

"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.

"That sounds good," the second said.  "I'll have a glass of blood, too, please."

"You know what?"  said the third.  "I think I'll have a glass of plasma."

"OK, let me get this staight," the bartender said.  "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

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In 1636, the General Court of Massachusetts passed a legislative act establishing Harvard College.

In 1886, the Statue of Liberty, a gift from the people of France, was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland.

In 1919, Congress enacted the Volstead Act, which provided for enforcement of Prohibition, over President Woodrow Wilson's veto.

In 1936, President Franklin D. Roosevelt rededicated the Statue of Liberty on its 50th anniversary.

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Today-----Jazz singer Cleo Laine is 85, Actress Joan Plowright is 83, Musician-songwriter Charlie Daniels is 76, Actress Jane Alexander is 73, Singer Curtis Lee is 71, Actor Dennis Franz is 68, Actress Telma Hopkins is 64, Olympic track and field gold medalist Bruce Jenner is 63 and Actress Annie Potts is 60.

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October 28th is:  Mother-in-law Day, National Chocolate Day, Reformation Sunday and St. Jude's Day.

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Quip for the day......How does a girl vampire flirt?  She bats her eyes!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----and more halloween......

The zombies were having a big Halloween party.  The mood was light and everyone was having a good time.

Suddenly, though, one zombie gasped and started elbowing his friend.

The friend asked, "What's the matter?"

The first zombie said, "A lady over there just rolled her eyes at me!"

The friend said, "So?"

The first zombie said, "What do you think I should do?"

The friend said, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her!"

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In 1901, President William McKinley's assassin, Leon Czolgosz, was electrocuted.

In 1929, Wall Street crashed on "Black Tuesday," heralding the beginning of America's Great Depression.

In 1940, Secretary of War Henry L. Stimson drew the first number -- 158 -- in America's first peacetime military draft.

In 1960, a chartered plane carrying the California Polytechic State University football team crashed on takeoff from Toledo, Ohio, killing 22 of the 48 people on board.

In 1966, the National Organization for Women was formally organized during a conference in Washington, D.C.

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Today-----Bluegrass singer-musician Sonny Osborne (The Osborne Brothers) is 75, Singer Melba Moore is 67, Musician Peter Green is 66, Actor Richard Dreyfuss is 65 and Actress Kate Jackson is 64.

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October 29th is:  Internet Day, Lung Health Day, National Cat Day, Visit a Cemetery Day and World Psoriasis Day.

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Quip for the day.......A witch's favorite subject in school is............spelling.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------groaner.......

Two medical students were invited to attend a costume party after their shift ended.  They stopped by the Army/Navy surplus store to see if they could find costumes, but they only had enough money to buy one pair of fatigues.

One med student wore the top half, and the other one wore the bottom half.

They got to the party and everyone asked them what they were supposed to be.

Their answer:

An upper and lower GI.

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In 1912, Vice President James S. Sherman, running for a second term of office with President William Howard Taft, died six days before Election Day.  Sherman was replaced with Nicholas Murray Butler.

In 1921, the silent film classic "The Sheik," starring Rudolph Valentino, premiered in Los Angeles.

In 1938, the radio play "The War of the Worlds," starring Oscar Welles, aired on CBS.

In 1974, Muhammad Ali knocked out George Foreman in the eighth round of a 15-round-bout in Kinshasa, Zaire, known as the "Rumble in the Jungle," to regain his world heavyweight title.

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Today-----Actor Dick Gautier is 75, Movie director Claude Lelouch is 75, Actor Ed Lauter is 74, Rock singer Grace Slick is 73, Songwriter Eddie Holland is 73, Rhythm-and-blues singer Otis Williams (The Temptations) is 71, Actor Henry Winkler is 67, Rock musician Chris Slade (Asia) is 66, Country/rock musician Timothy B. Schmit (The Eagles) is 65, Actor Leon Rippy is 63 and Actor Harry Hamlin is 61.

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October 30th is:  Check List Day, Devil's Night, Haunted Refrigerator Night and National Candy Corn Day.

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Quip for the day............Vampire pick up line:  "What's your type?"

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------probably the last Halloween joke........

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts.  I gave him some candy and he did a cute victory dance on the top of my steps.

Later that same evening, I opened the door and it was little "Rocky" again.

"Trick or treat!" he cried..

I asked him, "Hey, aren't you the same "Rocky" that was here a little while ago?"

He said, "Yes, but now I'm the sequel!"

I laughed and said, "The sequel?"

He said, "Yes, and I'll be back four more times after this!"

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In 1864, Nevada became the 36th state.

In 1926, magician Harry Houdini died in Detroit of gangrene and peritonitis resulting from a ruptured appendix.

In 1959, a former U.S. Marine showed up at the U.S. Embassy in Moscow to declare he was renouncing his American citizenship so he could live in the Soviet Union.  His Name:  Lee Harvey Oswald.

In 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson ordered a halt to all U.S. bombing of North Vietnam, saying he hoped for fruitful peace negotiations.

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Today----Actress Lee Grant is 85, Former astronaut Michael Collins is 82, Former CBS anchorman Dan Rather is 81, Folk singer Tom Paxton is 75, Actor Ron Rifkin is 73, Actress Sally Kirkland is 71, Actor David Ogden Stiers is 70, Actor Brian Doyle-Murray is 67, Actor Stephen Rea is 66, Olympic gold medal long-distance runner Frank Shorter is 65, Actress Deidre Hall is 64 and Talk show host Jane Pauley is 62.

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October 31st is:  Beggars Night, Books for Treats Day, Day of the Seven Billion, Girl Scout Founder's Day, Halloween, National Caramel Apple Day, National Knock-Knock Jokes Day, National Magic Day and National UNICEF Day.

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Quip for the day......Did you know that vampires are a pain in the neck?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------one more......

Did you hear about the photographer, many years ago, who went to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost?

Sure enough, he encountered one, and it turned out to be a friendly ghost.  It graciously posed for several shots.

The photographer dashed back to his studio, certain that these would be the best photographs ever taken of a real ghost.

Unfortunately, he discovered that his settings had been off.  The film was underexposed and showed nothing but blanks.

He handled pretty well.  In fact, he was philosophical about the whole thing.  The way he figured it, the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

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In 1765, the Stamp Act went into effect, prompting stiff resistance from American colonists.

In 1870, the United States Weather Bureau made its first meteorological observations.

In 1952, the United States exploded the first hydrogen bomb, code-named "Ivy Mike," at Enewetak Atoll in the Marshall Islands.

In 1968, the Motion Picture Association of America unveiled its new voluntary fillm rating system: G for general, M for mature (later changed to GP, then PG), R for restricted and X (later changed to NC-17) for adults only.

In 1979, former first lady Mamie Eisenhower died in Washington, D.C., at age 82.

In 2007, Retired Air Force Brig. Gen. Paul Tibbets, who'd piloted the B-29 bomber Enola Gay that dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, died in Columbus, Ohio, at age 92.

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Today-----Actress Betsy Palmer is 86, Golfer Gary Player is 77, Actress Barbara Bosson is 73, Actor Robert Foxworth is 71, Actress Marcia Wallace is 70, Magazine publisher Larry Flynt is 70, Country singer-humorist Kinky Friedman is 68, Actress Jeannie Berlin is 63, Music producer David foster is 63 and R&B musician Ronald Khalis Bell is 61.

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November 1st is:  All Saints Day, Give Up Your Shoulds Day, National Authors Day, National Family Literacy Day, National Go Cook For Your Pets Day, National Men Make Dinner Day, Prime Meridian Day and World Vegan Day.

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Quip for the day.............The evening news is where they begin with "Good Evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------smart kid.......

I used to drive a school bus.  I'll never forget the day I was driving along, with a bus full of kids, and a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian.

I overheard one of the kids behind me announce, "They use the dog to keep the crowds back."

Another child said, "No, the take the dog with them for good luck."

A third child said, "No, they use the dog to find the fire hydrants!"

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In 1783, Gen. George Washington issued his Farewell Orders  to the armies of the United States near Princeton, N.J.

In 1889, North Dakota and South Dakota became the 39th and 40th states.

In 1947, Howard Hughes piloted his huge wooden flying boat, the Hughes H-4 Hercules (derisively dubbed the "Spruce Goose" by detractors) on its only flight, which lasted about a minute over Long Beach Harbor.

In 2002, President George W. Bush called Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein a "dangerous man" with links to terrorist networks, and said that U.N. inspections for weapons of mass destruction were critical.

In 2011, The Congressional Gold Medal was awarded to some 19,000 Japanese-Americans who'd served in the 100th Infantry Battalion, the 442nd Regimental Combat Team and the Military Intelligence Service.

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Today---------R&B singer Earl "Speedo" Carroll is 75, Singer Jay Black is 74, Political commentator Pat Buchanan is 74, Actress Stefanie Powers is 70, Rock musician Keith Emerson is 68, Country-rock singer-songwriter J.D. Souther is 67 and Actress Kate Linder is 65.

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November 2nd is:  All Souls Day, Cookie Monster Day, National Medical Science Liason Awareness and Appreciation Day, Plan Your Epitaph Day, Pumkin Chunkin' Day and Traffic Directors Day.

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Quip for the day.......How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbeque?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------aha......

One day three hikers came to a violent river.

The first man prayed, "Please, God, give me the strength to swim across."  Poof!  God gave him a boost of energy.  He jumped in and, with great difficulty, swam across the river.  It took two hours.

The second man said, "Please, God, give me the means to cross this river safely."  Poof!  God gave him a small canoe and a paddle.  With great effort the man made it across the river in about an hour.

The third man said, "Please, God, give me the sense to find the best way across this river."  God gave him wisdom.  The man checked the map, walked around the bend in the river, then walked quickly across the large bridge he found there.

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In 1900, the first major U.S. automobile show opened at New York's Madison Square Garden under the auspices of the Automobile Club of America.

In 1911, the Chevrolet Motor Car Co. was founded in Detroit by Louis Chevrolet and William C. Durant.  (The company was acquired by General Motors in 1918.)

In 1957, the Soviet Union launched Sputnik 2, the second manmade satellite, into orbit; on board was a dog named Laika who was sacrificed in the experiment.

In 2002, a CIA Predator drone fired a missile at a car in Yemen, killing al-Qaida's top operative in that country.

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Today---------Actress Lois Smith is 82, Former Massachusetts Governor Michael S. Dukakis is 79, Actor-dancer Ken Berry is 79, Tony-winning playwright Terrence McNally is 73, Actor Shadoe Stevens is 66, Singer Lulu is 64 and Comedian-actress Roseanne Barr is 60.

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November 3rd is:  Cliche Day, National Gaming Day (Libraries), Sadie Hawkins Day and Sandwich Day.

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Quip for the day........The closest thing I had to a brainstorm, was a slow drizzle.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------hah......

My friend Ernie is unbelievable.

He goes to the doctor and says he hasn't been feeling well.

The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

Ernie replies, "My stomach has been bothering me for several days.  I wonder if it's my liver."

The doctor says, "Do you drink?"

Ernie answers, "Sure.  I wouldn't mind a scotch and water, if you have it."

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In 1939, the United States modified its neutrality stance in World War II, allowing "cash and carry" purchases of arms by belligerents, a policy favoring Britain and France.

In 1979, the Iran hostage crisis began as militants stormed the United States Embassy in Tehran, seizing its occupants; for some, it was the start of 444 days of captivity.

In 1980, Ronald Reagan won the White House as he defeated Jimmy Carter by a strong margin.

In 2008, Democrat Barack Obama was elected the first black president of the United States, defeating Republican John McCain.

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Today----Musician-songwriter Johnny Rotella is 92, Actress Doris Roberts is 82, Actress Loretta Swit is 75, Rhythm-and-blues singer Harry Elston (Friends of Distinction) is 74, Blues singer Delbert McClinton is 72, Former First Lady Laura Bush is 66 and Actress Markie Post is 62.

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November 4th is:  Daylight Saving Time Ends, National Chicken Lady Day, Use Your Common Sense Day and Zero Tasking Day.

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Quip for the day......."Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears."  "Don't answer!"

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------it wasn't good, so from the archives.......

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

Uncle Sam (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

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In 1781, the Continental Congress elected John Hanson of Maryland its chairman, giving him the title of "President of the United States in Congress Assembled."

In 1872, suffragist Susan B. Anthony defied the law by attempting to cast a vote for President Ulysses S. Grant.  (Anthony was convicted by a judge and fined $100, but she never paid the fine.)

In 1911, aviator Calbraith P. Rodgers arrived in Pasadena, completing the first transcontinental airplane trip in 49 days.

In 1987, Supreme Court nominee Douglas H. Ginsburg admitted using marijuana several times in the 1960s and '70s, calling it a mistake.  (Ginsburg ended up withdrawing his nomination.)

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Today------Actor Chris Robinson is 74, Actress Elke Sommer is 72, Singer Art Garfunkel is 71, Actor-playwright Sam Shepard is 69 and Singer Peter Noone is 65.

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November 5th is:  ABC, Disney, "Day of Giving For Victims Of Sandy" Day and Job Action Day.

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Quip for the day..........Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

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Larryj