another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah......

The defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner.  He asked, sternly, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken a pulse?"

Coroner:  "No."

Attorney:  "Did you listen for a heartbeat?"

Coroner:  "No."

Attorney:  "Did you check for breathing?"

Coroner:  "No."

Attornery:  "So, how could you be sure, when you signed the death certificate, that the man was dead?"

Coroner:  "Well, the man's brain was sitting in a jar on a tray next to my examination table.  I was pretty certain he was dead.  But I suppose it's possible he may still be able to practice law."

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In 1711, Jupiter Hammon, the first black poet to have his work published in America, was born in Long Island, NY, into a lifetime of slavery.

In 1807, Britain declared it would continue to reclaim British-born sailors from American ships and ports regardless of whether they held U.S. citizenship.

In 1931, mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion.  (Sentenced to 11 years in prison, Capone was released in 1939.)

In 1973, Arab oil-producing nations announced they would begin cutting back exports to Western natiions and Japan; the result was a total embargo that lasted until March 1974.

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Today---------Actress Marsha Hunt is 95, Actress Julie Adams is 86, Country singer Earl Thomas Conley is 71, Singer Jim Seals (Seals and Crofts) is 70, Singer Gary Puckett is 70, Actor Michael McKean is 65, Actress Margot Kidder is 64, Actor George Wendt is 64 and Actor-singer Bill Hudson is 63.

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October 17th is:  Alternative Fuel Day, Black Poetry Day, Get To Know Your Customers Day, Get Smart About Credit Day, International Credit Union Day, International Day For The Eradication Of Poverty, Mulligan Day and Wear Something Gaudy Day.

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Quip for the day.......There are two kinds of lawyers ---- those that know the law and those that know the judge.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------for lack of anything better, some old puns......

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.  Then it dawned on me.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

I use to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Velcro................what a ripoff!

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In 1912, black boxer Jack Johnson was arrested in Chicago, accused of violating the Mann Act because of his relationship with his white girlfriend, Lucille Cameron.  (The case collapsed when Cameron refused to cooperate, but Johnson was later re-arrested and convicted on the testimony of a former mistress, Belle Schreiber.)

In 1962, James D. Watson, Francis Crick and Maurice Wilkins were honored with the Nobel Peace Prize for Medicine and Physiology for determining the double-helix molecular structure of DNA.

In 1971, the Knapp Commission began public hearings into allegations of corruption in the New York Police Department.  The witnesses included Frank Serpico.

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Today----------Rock-and-roll performer Chuck Berry is 86, Sportscaster Keith Jackson is 84, Actress Dawn Wells is 74, College and Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Mike Ditka is 73, Singer-musician Russ Giguere is 69, Actress Pam Dawber is 62, Author Terry McMillan is 61 and Writer-producer Chuck Lorre is 60.

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October 18th is:  Mammography Day, National Chocolate Cupcake Day and World Menopause Day.

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Quip for the day............No one is listening until you make a mistake.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------no offense, Jarhead........

On some air bases the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.  One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who's calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does that make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.  If this is a commercial flight, it is 4 o'clock.  If it is an Army aircraft, it is 1600 hours.  If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 8 bells.  If it is a Marine aircraft, Mickey's little hand is on the 4 and the big hand is on the 12.  If it is an Air Force aircraft..............

It's almost Happy Hour.

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In 1781, British forces under Gen. Lord Cornwallis surrendered at Yorktown as the American Revolution neared its end.

In 1960, the United States began a limited embargo against Cuba covering all commodities except medical supplies and certain foods.

In 1967, the U.S. space probe Mariner 5 flew past Venus.

In 1977, the supersonic Concorde made its first landing in New York City.

In 1982, automaker John Z. DeLorean was arrested by federal agents in Los Angeles, accused of conspiring to sell $24 million of cocaine to salvage his business.  (DeLorean was acquitted on grounds of entrapment.)

In 1987, the stock market crashed as the Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged 508 points or 22.6 percent in value to close at 1,738.74.

In 1994, entertainer Martha Raye died in Los Angeles at age 78.

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Today------------Author John le Carre is 81, Artist Peter Max is 75, Author and critic Renata Adler is 74, Actor Sir Michael Gambon is 72, Actor John Lithgow is 67, Feminist activist Patricia Ireland is 67, Singer Jeannie C. Riley is 67, Rock singer-musician Patrick Simmons is 64 and Talk show host Charlie Chase is 60.

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October 19th is:  Evaluate Your Life Day and Sweetest Day.

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Quip for the day........If your enemy is within range........................................so are you.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------yep....

A man and his wife are having an argument about who should make the coffee.

The wife says, "You should do it, because you get up first."

The husband replies, "You should do it, because I have other chores in the morning."

The wife insists, "You should do it, because it says so in the Bible."

The husband laughs and says, "Well, I certainly don't believe that!"

The wife fetches the family Bible, opens it to the New Testament, and hands it to her husband.  She says, "What does it say there, at the top of the page?"

The husband looks, and reads, "Hebrews."

The wife smiles triumphantly and says, "That's right.  He brews."

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In 1903, a joint commission ruled largely in favor of the U.S. in a boundary dispute between the District of Alaska and Canada.

In 1944, during World War II, Gen. Douglas MacArthur stepped ashore at Leyte in the Philippines, 2 1/2 years after saying, "I shall return."

In 1947, the House Un-American Activities Committee opened hearings into alleged Communist influence and infiltration in the U.S. motion picture industry.

In 1967, seven men were convicted in Meridian, Mississippi, of violating the civil rights of three slain civil rights workers.

In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon signed into law the General Revenue Sharing Act, which allocated $30 billion over five years to state and local governments.

In 1981, a bungled armored truck robbery carried out by members of radical groups in Nanuet, NY, left a guard and two police officers dead.

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Today------Actor William Christopher is 80, Japan's Empress Michiko is 78, Rockabilly singer Wanda Jackson is 75, Former actress Rev. Mother Dolores Hart is 74, Singer-songwriter Tom Petty is 62, Actor William "Rusty" Russ is 62 and Actress Melanie Mayron is 60.

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October 20th is:  Information Overload Day and National Call-in For Health Reform.

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Quip for the day......I had some words with my wife.............she had some paragraphs for me.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------ouch.......

I was walking with my grandson.  He picked up something off the ground and started to put it in his mouth.  I took it away from him and told him not to do that.

"Why?" he asked.

I replied, "Because it's been on the ground and it's dirty, and it probably has germs, and sometimes germs make little boys sick."

My grandson said, "Wow, Grandma, you know everything.  You're smart."

I said, "That's right.  All grandmas know their stuff.  It's all on the Grandma Test.  You have to know it or they don't let you be a Grandma."

My grandson thought for a moment, then said, "So, if you can't pass the Grandma Test, you have to be the Grandpa?"

"Exactly!"

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In 1797, the U.S. Navy frigate Constitution, also known as "Old Ironsides," was christened in Boston's harbor.

In 1879, Thomas Edison perfected a workable electric light at his laboratory in Menlo Park, NJ.

In 1917, members of the 1st Division of the U.S. Army training in Luneville, France, became the first Americans to see action on the front lines of World War I.

In 1959, the Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum, designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, opened to the public in New York.

In 1962, the Seattle World's Fair closed after six months and nearly 10 million visiters.  (President John F. Kennedy, scheduled to attend the closing ceremony, canceled because of what was described as a "head cold"; the actual reason turned out to be the Cuban Missile Crisis.)

In 1991, Amercan hostage Jesse Turner was freed by his kidnappers in Lebanon after nearly five years in captivity.

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Today----Actress Joyce Randolph is 88, Author Ursula K. Le Guin is 83, Rock singer Manfred Mann is 72, Musician Steve Cropper is 71, Singer Elvin Bishop is 70, TV's Judge Judy Sheindlin is 70, Actor Everett McGill is 67 and Musician Lee Loughnane is 66.

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October 21st is:  National Sunday School Teacher Appreciation Day, World Toy Camera Day, Celebration Of The Mind Day, Global Iodine Deficiency Disorder (IDD) Prevention Day and Reptile Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day............Children's Lesson #1:  If you are going to draw on the wall........do it behind the couch.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------old, but I really like this one.....

A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, "hey dad, look how fat that lady is!"

"Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you."

"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"

"Shhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice!"

"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude!"

Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off.

"Look out dad, she's backing up!"

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In 1746, Princeton University was first chartered as the College of New Jersey.

In 1883, the original Metropolitan Opera House in New York held its grand opening with a performance of Gounod's "Faust."

In 1934, bank robber Charles "Pretty Boy" Floyd was shot to death by federal agents at a farm in East Liverpool, Ohio.

In 1962, President John F. Kennedy delivered a nationally broadcast address in which he publicly revealed the presence of Soviet-built missile bases under construction in Cuba and announced a quarantine of all offensive military equipment being shipped to the Communist island nation.

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Today---------Actress Joan Fontaine is 95, Black Panthers co-founder Bobby Seale is 76, Actor Christopher Lloyd is 74, Actress Annette Funicello is 70, Movie director Jan de Bont is 69, Actress Catherine Deneuve is 69 and Actor Jeff Goldblum is 60.

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October 22nd is:  National Clear Your Virtual Desktop Day and International Stuttering Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day......Next month, November, is when we close our eyes, bow our heads and give thanks for the turkeys we are about to receive..............................................then we vote.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------ouch......

A vampire bat, covered with blood, returned to the cave from his night of hunting, and parked himself on the ceiling to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep.

However, they persisted until he finally gave in.

"Okay, follow me," he said and flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.  Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a dense forest.

Finally, the blood-covered bat slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!" the other bats screamed in anticipation.

"Good," the blood-covered bat said, "because I didn't!"

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In 1915, tens of thousands of women marched in New York City, demanding the right to vote.

In 1983, 241 U.S. service members, most of them Marines, were killed in a suicide truck-bombing at Beirut International Airport in Lebanon; a near-simultaneous attack on French forces killed 58 paratroopers.

In 1995, a jury in Houston convicted Yolanda Saldivar of murdering Tejano singing star Selena.  (Saldivar is serving a life prison sentence.)

In 2002, President George W. Bush signed the biggest military spending increase since Ronald Reagan's administration  --- a $355.5 billion package.

In 2007, evacuations due to out-of-control wildfires in Southern Califronia topped 500,000; President George W. Bush declared a federal emergency for seven counties.

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Today------Baseball Hall-of-Famer and former U.S. Senator Jim Bunning, R-Ky., is 81, Movie director Philip Kaufman is 76, Soccer great Pele is 72, Rhythm-and-blues singer Barbara Ann Hawkins (The Dixie Cups) is 69 and Actor Michael Rupert is 61.

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October 23rd is:  IPod Day, National Mole Day, Swallows Depart From Capistrano Day and TV Talk Show Host Day (Johnny Carson's birthday.)

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Quip for the day............Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah....

I work for an orthopedic surgeon.  One day we moved to a new building and the whole staff pitched in to help.

I took the surgeon's demonstration skeleton and sat it in the passenger seat.  It was the most practical way to transport it.

Of course, during the drive across town, the skeleton attacted plenty of attention -- especially during stops at traffic lights.

During one exceptionally long light, I grew impatient with the stares coming from the car next to me.  i rolled down my window and shouted, "I'm taking him to the doctor's office!"

The driver of the other car rolled down his window and shouted back, "I think you're too late!"

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In 1861, the first transcontinental telegraph message was sent by Chief Justice Stephen J. Field of California from San Francisco to President Abraham Lincoln in Washington, D.C., over a line built by Western Union Telegraph Company.

In 1901, widow Anna Edson Taylor became the first person to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

In 1940, the 40-hour work week went into effect under the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938.

In 1945, the United Nations officially came into existence as its charter took effect.

In 1962, a naval quarantine of Cuba ordered by President John F. Kennedy went into effect during the missile crisis; the blockade was aimed at interdicting the delivery of offensive weapons to the island.

In 1972, Hall-of-Famer Jackie Robinson, who'd broken Major League Baseball's color barrier in 1947, died in Stamford, Connecticut, at age 53.

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Today------Football Hall-of-Famer Y.A. Tittle is 86, Rock musician Bill Wyman is 76, Actor F. Murray Abraham is 73, Move director-screenwriter David S. Ward is 67, Actor Kevin Kline is 65 and Former NAACP President Kweisi Mfume is 64.

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October 24th is:  Food Day, United Nations Day and World Development Information Day.

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Quip for the day........Bumper sticker:  I may be slow............but I'm ahead of you!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------some Halloween Q and A's.......

Q.  Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? 
A.  It raises their spirits.

Q.  Why do ghosts make lousy film critics?
A.  They boo everything.

Q.  Why did the monster's grandma knit him three socks?
A.. She heard he had grown another foot.

Q.  Where do monsters get their cookies?
A.. They buy them from the Ghoul-Scouts.

Q.  What do you get when you cross a vampire and a school teacher?
A.  Lots of blood tests.

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In 1812, the frigate USS United States, commanded by Stephen Decatur, captured the British vessel HMS Macedonian during the war of 1812.

In 1929, former Interior Secretary Albert B. Fall was convicted in Washington, D.C., of accepting a $100,000 bribe from oil tycoon Edward L. Doheny.  (Fall was sentenced to a year in prison and fined $100,000; he ended up serving nine months.)

In 1962, in a dramatic confrontation before the U.N. Security Council, U.S. Ambassador Adlai E. Stevenson II demanded that Soviet Ambassador Valerian Zorin confirm or deny the existence of Soviet-built missile bases in Cuba; when Zorin declined to respond, Stevenson said he was prepared to wait "until hell freezes over" for an answer.  Stevenson then presented photographic evidence of the bases to the Council.

In 1971, the U.N. General Assembly voted to admit mainland China and expel Taiwan.

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Today-----------Former American League President and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Lee McPhail is 95, Former American League President Dr. Bobby Brown is 88, Singer-actress Barbara Cook is 85, Actress Jeanne Cooper is 84, Actress Marion Ross is 84, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bobby Knight is 72, Rock singer Jon Anderson is 68, Rock musician Glenn Tipton is 65 and Movie director Julian Schnabel is 61.

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October 25th is:  Sourest Day, World Pasta Day, International Bandana Day and National Breadsticks Day.

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Quip for the day...........Advice to angry witches on a broom.........."Don't fly off the handle!"

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------and more....

Q.  What do poltergeists like to have for breakfast?
A.  Ghost Toasties!

Q.  What do poltergeists like to have for Sunday brunch?
A.  Eggs Benedict with Haunt-alldays sauce!

Q.  Why did the pumpkin cross the road?
A.  So he could seed the other side!

Q.  Why did the pumpkin go on a cross-country trip?
A.  So he could go from seed to shining seed!

Q.  What kind of TV does Dracula own?
A.  Plasma, of course!

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In 1774, the First Continental Congress adjourned in Philadelphia.

In 1825, the Erie Canal opened in upstate New York, connecting Lake Erie and the Hudson River.

In 1861, the legendary Pony Express officially ceased operations, giving way to the transcontinental telegraph.  (The last run of the Pony Express was completed the following month.)

In 1881, the "Gunfight at the O.K. Corral" took place in Tombstone, Arizona.

In 1949, President Harry S. Truman signed a measure raising the minimum wage from 40 to 75 cents an hour.

In 1958, Pan American Airways flew its first Boeing 707 jetliner from New York to Paris in 8 hours and 41 minutes.

In 1972, national security adviser Henry Kissinger declared, "Peace is at hand" in Vietnam.

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Today--------Former Senator Edward Brooke III, R-Mass., is 93, Actress Shelley Morrison is 76, Actor Bob Hoskins is 70, Author Pat Conroy is 67, Actress Jaclyn Smith is 67, TV host Pat Sajak is 66, U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton is 65, Singer Maggie Roche is 61, Musician Bootsy Collins is 61 and Actor James Pickens Jr. is 60.

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October 26th is:  Make A Difference Day, Mule Day and National Forgiveness Day.

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Quip for the day........What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?  Boo-ties............(groan)

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Larryj