another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----from the archives.......

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's
name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they
stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are... very slowly."


The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr,
Kiiiing."

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In 1789, the U.S. War Department established a regular army with a strength of several hundred men.

In 1907, the foundation stone was laid for the Washington National Cathedral, which wasn't fully completed until this date in 1990.

In 1957, the New York Giants played their last game at the Polo Grounds, losing to the Pittsburgh Priates, 9-1.

In 1982, Extra-Strength Tylenol capsules laced with cyanide claimed the first of seven victims in the Chicago area.  (To date, the case remains unsolved.)

In 2005, John G. Roberts Jr. was sworn in as the nation's 17th chief justice after winning Senate confirmation.

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Today-----Actress Lizabeth Scott is 90, Actor Steve Forrest is 87, Conductor Richard Bonynge is 82, Actress Anita Ekberg is 81, Writer-director Robert Benton is 80, Singer Jerry Lee Lewis is 77, Actor Ian McShane is 70, Television-film composer Mike Post is 68, Actress Patricia Hodge is 66 and TV personality Bryant Gumbel is 64.

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September 29th is:  Family Health And Fitness Day, National Attend Your Grandchild's Birthday, National Coffee Day, National Museum Day, National Public Lands Day, VFW Day and World Heart Day.

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Quip for the day.......Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----must be seniors day........

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.  When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok.  I complied and did just as she had instructed.

When the shrieking finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card for payment.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer.

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In 1777, the Continental Congress -- forced to flee in the face of advancing British forces -- moved to York, Pennsylvania.

In 1846, Boston dentist William Morton used ether as an anesthetic for the first time as he extracted an ulcerated tooth from merchant Eben Frost.

In 1954, the first nuclear-powered submarine, the USS Nautilus, was commissioned by the Navy.

In 1955, actor James Dean, 24, was killed in a two-car collision near Cholame.

In 1962, James Meredith, a black student, was escorted by federal marshalls to the campus of the University of Mississippi, where he enrolled for classes the next day; Meredith's presence sparked rioting that claimed two lives.

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Today-------Nobel Peace Laureate Elie Wiesel is 84, Actress Angie Dickinson is 81, Singer Marilyn McCoo is 69, Pop singer Sylvia Peterson is 66, Actor Vondie Curtis-Hall is 62, Actress Victoria Tennant is 62 and Singer Johnny Mathis is 77.

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September 30th is:  Blasphemy Day and Gold Star Mother's Day.

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Quip for the day.........You are old when you find yourself singing along with the elevator music.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

And here I thought it was stripe down.

[larryJ]

Today's-----celebrity one-liners........

I don't feel old.  I don't feel anything until noon.  Then it's time for my nap........Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress........Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptaion.  As you grow older, it will avoid you........Winston Churchill

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.......Billy Crystal

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In 1861, during the Civil War, the Confederate navy captured the Union steamer Fanny in North Carolina's Pamlico Sound.

In 1908, Henry Ford introduced his Model T automobile to the market.

In 1910, the offices of the Los Angeles Times were destroyed by a bomb explosion and fire; 21 Times employees were killed.

In 1962, Johnny Carson debuted as host of NBC's "Tonight Show," beginning a nearly 30-year run.  After being introduced to the audience by Groucho Marx, Carson received his first guests, actor-singer Rudy Vallee, Actress Joan Crawford, Singer Tony Bennett and Comedian Mel Brooks.

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Today---------Actress-singer Julie Andrews is 77, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Rod Carew is 67, Jazz musician Dave Holland is 66, Actor Stephen Collins is 65, Actress Yvette Freeman is 62, Actor Randy Quaid is 62 and Former President of the United States Jimmy Carter is 88.

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October 1st is:  CD Player Day, Child Health Day, Fire Pup Day, International Day of Older Persons, Model T Day, National Lace Day, World Day of Bullying Prevention/Blue Shirt Day, World Habitat Day and World Vegetarian Day.

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Quip for the day........Definitiion of the word G.O.L.F.............Getting Old and Living Fine.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------yep......

Sometimes, I think my doctor has a cruel streak.  On the other hand, I may be giving him way too much credit.  I'm not sure.

Several weeks ago, I had a bad accident.  I hurt my leg.

The doctor told me not to worry.  He would have me up and walking in no time, he said.

It was true.

I had to sell my car to pay his bill.

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In 1835, the first battle of the Texas Revolution took place as American settlers fought Mexican soldiers near the Guadalupe River; the Mexicans ended up withdrawing.

In 1950, the comic strip "Peanuts," created by Charles M.. Schulz, was sydicated to seven newspapers.

In 1967, Thurgood Marshall was sworn as an associate justice to the U.S. Supreme Court as the court opened its new term.

In 1971, the music program "Soul Train" made its debut in national syndication.

In 1985, actor Rock Hudson died at his home in Beverly Hills at age 59 after battling AIDS.

In 2002, the Washington, D.C. area sniper attacks began; the next day, five people were shot dead, setting off a frantic manhunt lasting three weeks.  (John Allen Muhammad and Lee Boyd Malvo were finally arrested for 10 killings and three woundings; Muhammad was executed in 2009; Malvo was sentenced to life in prison.)

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Today----Retired MLB All-Star Maury Wills is 80, Singer-sonwriter Don McLean is 67, Actor Avery Brooks is 64, Fashion Designer Donna Karan is 64, Photographer Annie Leibovitz is 63, Rock musician Mike Rutherford (Genesis, Mike and the Mechanics) is 62 and Singer-actor Sting is 61.

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October 2nd is:  Guardian Angels Day, International Day of Nov-violence, National Custodial Worker's Day, Phileas Fogg's Wager Day, Techies Day and World Farm Animals Day.

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Quip for the day......An apple a day keeps the doctor away.............An onion a day keeps everyone else away.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------hah....

The Texas rancher was visiting the model colony farms in Israel.  His Israeli guide showed him around.  At one point, the guide said with great pride, "This is my farm!"

The Texan smiled indulgently and said, "This is all your land?"

The guide grinned and said, "It's all mine!"

The Texan said, "Well, I can wake up before the sun rises, get on my horse and ride all day until the sun sets, and I'd only be halfway across my land."

The guide, totally misunderstanding the Texan's point, said with great sympathy, "I'm so sorry, sir.  Here, we have much better horses than that."

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In 1789, President George Washington declared Nov. 26, 1789, a day of Thanksgiving to express gratitude for the creation of the United States of America.

In 1951, the New York Giants captured the National League pennant by a score of 5-4 as Bobby Thompson hit a three-run homer off the Brooklyn Dodgers' Ralph Branca in the "shot heard 'round the world."

In 1962, astronaut Wally Schirra became the fifth American to fly in space as he blasted off from Cape Canaveral aboard the Sigma 7 on a 9-hour flight.

In 1967, folk singer-songwriter Woody Guthrie died in New York at age 55.

In 1995, the jury in the O.J Simpson murder trial found the former football star not guilty of the 1994 slayings of his former wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and Ronald Goldman.  (However, Simpson was later found liable in a civil trial.)

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Today---------Basketball Hall-of-Famer Marques O. Haynes is 86, Composer Steve Reich is 76, Singer Alan O'Day is 72, Rock and Roll star Chubbie Checker is 71, Actor Alan Rachins is 70, Magician Roy Horn is 68, Singer Lindsey Buckingham is 63, Jazz musician Ronnie Laws is 62, Blues singer Keb' Mo' is 61, Former astronuat Kathryn Sullivan is 61 and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Dave Winfield is 61.

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October 3rd is:  Balloons Around The World Day.

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Quip for the day.......24 hours in a day.........24 beers in a case.............coincidence?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------yep....

A man can't win.  He gets in trouble with the missus if he doesn't do what she asks him to do, and he also gets in trouble if he does exactly what she asks him to do.

An example:

Wife says to husband, "On your way home from work, can you stop by the store?"

Husband says, "Sure."

Wife says, "Buy a carton of milk.  And, if they have avocados, get six."

Husband comes home that evening with six cartons of milk.

Wife says, sharply, "For pete's sake!  Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"

Husband protests, "They had avocados!"

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In 1931, the comic strip "Dick Tracy," created by Chester Gould, made its debut.

In 1957, the Space Age began as the Soviet Union launched Sputnik 1, the first artificial satellite, into orbit.

In 1970, rock singer Janis Joplin, 27, was found dead in her Hollywood hotel room.

In 1976, agriculture secretary Earl Butz resigned in the wake of a controversy over a joke he'd made about blacks.

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Today-------Country singer Leroy Van Dyke is 83, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Sam Huff is 78, Author Jackie Collins is 75, Author Roy Blount Jr. is 71, Author Ann Rice is 71, Actress Lori Saunders ("Petticoat Junctiion") is 71, Former baseball manager Tony La Russa is 68, Actor Clifton Davis is 67, Actor Armand Assante is 63 and Actor Alan Rosenberg is 62.

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October 4th is:  Blessing Of The Animals Day, Improve Your Office Day, Cinnamon Roll Day, Ten-Four Day and World Animal Day.

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Quip for the day.....I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.  I don't like to interrupt her.

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Larryj

[ddurbin]

That one reminds me of the humorist Jeanne Robertson's story of sending her husband (who she fondly calls "Left Brain") to the grocery store.  If you're not familiar with her, check out some of her routines on YouTube.

[larryJ]

Jeanne Robertson is one of my favorites.....

Today's------old, groaner........

Two dumb guys meet on a country road.  One of them, Jethro, is carrying a big bag.

The other guy, Fester, asks, "What's that in the bag there?"

Jethro:  "Chickens."

Fester:  "Chickens!  How many?"

Jethro:  "Guess."

Fester:  "OK, but if I guess right, can I have one of them?"

Jethro:  "Heck fire, if you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

Fester, scratching his head, "Uhhh----five?"

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In 1892, the Dalton Gang, notorious for its train robberies, was practically wiped out while attempting to rob a pair of banks in Cofferyville, Kansas.

In 1947, President Harry S. Truman delivered the first televised White House address as he spoke on the world food crisis.

In 1962, The Beatles first hit recording "Love Me Do" was released in the United Kingdom by Parlophone Records.

In 1962, the first James Bond theatrical feature "Dr. No", starring Sean Connery as Agent 007 premiered in London.

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Today-----Actress Glynis Johns is 89, Comedian Bill Dana is 88, College Football Hall-of-Fame coach Barry Switzer is 75, R&B singer Arlene Smith is 71, Singer-musician Steve Miller is 69, Actress Karen Allen is 61, Rock singer and famine-relief organizer Bob Geldof is 61 and Writer-producer-director Clive Barker is 60.

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October 5th is:  Lee's National Denim Day, National Diversity Day, Walk To School In The USA Day, World Smile Day and World Teacher's Day.

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Quip for the day.......I talk to myself a lot, and it bothers people because I use a megaphone.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------one liners........

I was raised as an only child........which really annoyed my sister.  Will Marsh.

I took part in the Sun Tanning Olympics...........I took the bronze.  Tim Vine.

Pornography is often frowned upon.........It's because we're concentrating.  George Ryegold.

I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet........I don't know Y.  Chris Turner

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together...........It was riveting!  Stewart Francis.

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In 1683, thirteen families from Krefeld, Germany, arrived in Philadelphia to begin Germantown, one of America's oldest settlements.

In 1927, the era of talking pictures arrived with the opening of "The Jazz Singer," starring Al Jolson, a movie that featured both silent and sound-sychronized sequences.

In 1979, Pope John Paul II, on a week-long U.S. tour, became the first pontiff to visit the White House, where he was received by President Jimmy Carter.

In 1989, actress Bette Davis died in Neuilly-sur-Seine, France, at age 81.

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Today-------Broadcaster and writer Melvyn Bragg is 73, Actress Britt Ekland is 70, Singer Millie Small is 66, Singer-musician Thomas McClary is 63, Musician Sid McGinnis is 63 and Rock singer Kevin Cronin (REO Speedwagon) is 61.

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October 6th is:  Cephalopod Day, Ecological Debt Day, Inter-American Water Day, Jackie Mayer Rehab Day, Mad Hatter Day, National German-American Day and World Card Making Day.

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Quip for the day.......(one liner, naturally)...........What happens if you get scared half to death............twice?

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Larryj