another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----------old, still funny........

I went fishing one morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.  Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.  Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little in his mouth.  His eyes rolled back, and he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

A little while later, I felt a nudge on my foot.  It was that snake, with two more frogs.

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In 1881, outlaw William H. Bonney, Jr., alias "Billy the Kid," was shot and killed by Sheriff Pat Garrett in Ft. Sumner, NM.

In 1911, Harry N. Atwood became the first pilot to land an airplane (a Wright Model B biplane) on the grounds of the White House after flying in from Boston; he was greeted by President William Howard Taft.

In 1912, American folk singer-songwriter Woody Guthrie ("This Land Is Your Land") was born in Okeman, OK.

In 1966, eight student nurses were murdered by Richard Speck in a Chicago dormitory.

In 1972, the State Department criticized actress Jane Fonda for making anti-war radio broadcasts in Hanoi, calling them "distressing."

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Today-------Actor Dale Robertson is 89, Actor Harry Dean Stanton is 86, Actress Nancy Olson is 84, Actress Polly Bergen is 82, Former football player and actor Rosey Grier is 80, Actor Vincent Pastore is 66, Former music company executive Tommy Mottola is 63, Rock musician Chris Cross is 60, Actor Jerry Houser is 60, Actor-director Eric Laneuville is 60 and Actor Stan Shaw is 60.

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July 14th is:  Bald In-Bald Out Day, Grange Day and International Nude Day.

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Quip for the day..........The biggest disadvantage of old age is that you can't outgrow it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------oh no!......

Mom was off running errands.  Dad was relaxing on the couch.  Little Susie, just three years old, brought him a 'cup of tea' in a toy tea cup.

It was just water, but Dad made a big show of enjoying the "tea" very much.

Delighted, she brought him several more, one after the other.  He drank each one and showered her with praise.

When Mom came home, Dad said to her, "I want you to see the cutest thing."  Then he called out to his daughter, "Susie, bring your mother and me a cup of your delicious tea."

Susie obliged and brought out two of the toy tea cups.  Dad drank his with great relish.  "Ahhhh," he said, smacking his lips.

Mom didn't drink hers.  She said, "Honey, did it occur to you that the only place Susie can reach to get water is the toilet?"

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In 1916, Boeing Co., originally known as Pacific Aero Products Co., was founded in Seattle.

In 1932, President Herbert Hoover announced he was slashing his own salary by 20 percent, from $75,000 to $60,000 a year; he also cut Cabinet members' salaries by 15 percent from $15,000 to $12,750 a year.

In 1948, President Harry S. Truman was nominated for another term of office by the Democratic national convention in Philadelphia.

In 1976, a 36-hour kidnap ordeal began for 26 schoolchildren and their bus driver as they were abducted near Chowchilla, CA, by three gunmen and imprisioned in an underground cell.  (The captives escaped unharmed.)

In 2007, the Philadelphia Phillies lost their 10,000th game, 10-2, to the visiting St. Louis Cardinals.

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Today------Author Clive Cussler is 81, Actor Alex Karas is 77, Actor Ken Kercheval is 77, Actor Jan-Michael Vincent is 68, Singer Linda Ronstadt is 66 and Rock musician Artimus Pyle is 64.

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July 15th is:  Be A Dork Day, Gummi Worm Day and National Ice Cream Day.

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Quip for the day.........Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------hah..........

A man drove his car into a ditch on a country lane.  He hailed a farmer passing by with a horse.

"Could your horse pull my car out of the ditch?" the motorist pleaded.

"Buddy's a big, strong horse," the farmer replied.  "We'll see."  He hitched Buddy up to the car, then said, "Pull, Samson, pull!"

Buddy didn't budge.

The farmer cried, "Pull, Hercules, pull!"

Nothing.

Finally, the farmer yelled, "Pull, Buddy, pull!"

The horse effortlessly pulled the man's car out of the ditch.  The driver was grateful, but mystified.  "Why did you keep calling your horse by the wrong name?"

"Well, you see," the farmer replied, "Buddy is blind, lazy and a bit stupid.  If he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

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In 1790, a site along the Potomac River was designated the permanent seat of the United States government; the area became Washington, D.C.

In 1935, the first parking meters were installed in Oklahoma City.

In 1945, the United States exploded its first atomic bomb in the desert near Alamogordo, NM.

In 1969, Apollo 11 blasted off from Cape Kennedy on the first manned mission to the surface of the moon.

In 1973, during the Senate Watergate hearings, former White House aide Alexander P. Butterfield publicly revealed the existence of President Richard M. Nixon's secret taping system.

In 1981, singer Harry Chapin was killed when his car was struck by a tractor-trailer on New York's Long Island Expressway.

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Today-----------Former Attorney General Dick Thornburgh is 80, Soul singer Denise LaSalle is 78, Soul singer William Bell is 73, International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Margaret Court is 70, Actor-singer Ruben Blades is 64 and Rock composer-musician Stewart Copeland is 60.

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July 16th is:  National Get Out Of The Doghouse Day and Global Hug Your Kid Day.

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Quip for the day............SMILE!  It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------labeled as a true story......or as my nephew would say......"They walk among us".....

A few months after my husband died, I was trying to set up an appointment for myself to get a new pair of reading glasses.

I called the eye doctor and a day was arranged.  I am diabetic, so the lady on the phone insisted that I must have the eye dilation exam first and then the refraction exam.  I was instructed to have my husband drive me to the office and back, because the dilation interferes with safe driving.

I explained that this would be impossible, as my husband had died recently.

After a long pause, and much shuffling of paper, she asked, "Maybe he could bring you in on another day?"

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In 1944, during World War II, 320 men, two-thirds of them African-Americans, were killed when a pair of ammunition ships exploded at the Port Chicago Naval Magazine in California.

In 1955, Disneyland had its opening day in Anaheim, CA.

In 1987, the science-fiction film, "RoboCop" was released by Orion Pictures.

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Today-------Comedian Phyllis Diller is 95, Jazz singer Jimmy Scott is 87, Actor Donald Sutherland is 77, Actress-singer Diahann Carroll is 77, Rock musician Spencer Davis is 70, Rock musician Terry "Geezer" Butler is 63, Actress Lucie Arnaz is 61, Rock musician Fran Smith Jr. (The Hooters) is 60 and Actor David Hasselhoff is 60.

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July 17th is:  Wrong Way Corrigan Day and Yellow Pig Day.

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Quip for the day..........I don't suffer from insanity.......I enjoy every minute of it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------yep........

A cop responds to an accident scene.  A very elderly lady has driven her car up over the curb, through a hedge and onto the lawn of an industrial park.

After determining that she is OK, the cop says, "Ma'am, do you have a driver's license?"

The old lady says, "No, I don't.  The doctor told me I can drive without one."

The cop says, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but a doctor wouldn't tell you that."

The old lady insisted, "Yes, he did.  The last time I had my eyes checked, he asked to see my driver's license, then he cut it up with scissors and threw it in the trash.  He said to me, 'You won't be needing this anymore.'  Those were his exact words."

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In 1792, American naval hero John Paul Jones died in Paris at age 45.

In 1969, a car driven by Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-Mass., plunged off a bridge on Chappaquiddick Island near Martha's Vineyard; his passenger, 28-year-old Mary Jo Kopechne, drowned.

In 1976, at the Montreal Olympics, Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci received the first-ever perfect score of 10 with her routine on uneven parallel bars.  (Comaneci would go on to receive six more 10s at Montreal.)

In 1984, James Huberty opened fire at a McDonald's in San Ysidro, killing 21 people before being shot dead by police.

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Today-------Former Sen. John Glenn, D-Ohio, is 91, Skating champion and commentator Dick Button is 83, Movie director Paul Verhoeven is 74, Singer Dion DiMucci is 73, Actor James Brolin is 72, Baseball executive Joe Torre is 72, Singer Martha Reeves is 71, Blues guitarist Lonnie Mack is 71, Pop-rock musician Wally Bryson is 63, Country-rock singer Craig Fuller is 63 and Former South African President Nelson Mandella is 94.

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July 18th is:  International Mandella Day.

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Quip for the day.............Traffic is getting so bad during rush hour that you can change a flat and not lose your place in line.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------payback is a ............

A woman was brought before the judge.  She told him she wished to challenge a ticket she had received for running a red light.  She said, "I'm a schoolteacher, and I must be at school on time.  My students depend on me."

A wicked gleam came into the judge's eye.  He said, "I've been waiting for a long time for a schoolteacher to come before me.  In fact, this is the realization of a lifelong dream."

The teacher said, nervously, "Whatever do you mean?"

The judge replied, "I'm going to have the bailiff bring in a chalkboard and chalk.  I want you to write 'I WILL NOT RUN RED LIGHTS' on the chalkboard.  I want you to write it 500 times."

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In 1812, during the War of 1812, the First Battle of Sackets Harbor in Lake Ontario resulted in an American victory as U.S. naval forces repelled a British attack.

In 1969, Apollo 11 and its astronauts Neil Armstrong, Edwin "Buzz" Adrin and Michael Collins, went into orbit around the moon.

In 1990, President George H.W. Bush joined former presidents Ronald Reagan, Gerald R. Ford and Richard M. Nixon at ceremonies dedicating the Nixon Library and Birthplace (since redesignated the Richard Nixon Presidential Library and Museum) in Yorba Linda, CA.

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Today------Former Sen. George McGovern, D-S.D., is 90, Actress Helen Gallagher is 86, Country singer Sue Thompson is 86, Country singer George Hamilton IV is 75, Singer Vikki Carr is 72, Country singer-musician Commander Cody is 68, Actor George Dzundza is 67, Rock musician Alan Gorrie (Average White Band) is 66, Rock musician Brian May (Queen) is 65, Rock musician Bernie Leadon (Eagles; Flying Burrito Brothers) is 65, Actress Beverly Archer is 64 and Movie director Abel Ferrara is 61.

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July 19th is:  Flitch Day and Get To Know Your Customers Day.

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Quip for the day..............99% of lawyer give the rest a bad name.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Since our anniversary is on Monday, this year I think we really could take home the bacon!

[larryJ]

@Diane, I think this celebration is limited to those who have been married one year and one day..........but enjoy and Happy Anniversary!

Today's..............A woman in South Carolina is driving along when she gets a flat tire.  She pulls off to the side of the road and starts collecting wildflowers.  She puts one large bunch on the ground in front of her car, and another bunch in back.

Soon, a car approaches, slows down, and pulls over.  The Good Samaritan gets out and says, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I have a flat tahr," the lady says.

"I can help you with that.  But what's with the bouquets?"

"Well, when you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back, so that's what I did!"

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In 1861, the Congress of the Confederate States convened in Richmond, VA.

In 1942, the first detachment of the Women's Army Auxillary Corps --WACS-- began basic training at Fort Des Moines, Iowa.

In 1969, astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin became the first men to walk on the moon after reaching the surface in their Apollo 11 lunar module.

In 1976, America's Viking 1 robot spacecraft made a successful first-ever landing on Mars.

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Today----------Actress-singer Sally Ann Howes is 82, Rockabilly singer Sleepy LaBeef is 77, Actress Diana Rigg is 74, Rock musician John Lodge is 69, Country singer T.G. Sheppard is 68, Singer Kim Carnes is 67 and Rock Musician Carlos Santana is 65.

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July 20th is:  Moon Day, National Lollipop Day and Ramadan.

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Quip for the day.........If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------entitled "Summer is so hot......."

The birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The people at the picnic had to drink the ice cream.

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In 1861, during the Civil War, the first Battle of Bull Run was fought at Manassas, VA., resulting in a Confederate victory.

In 1925, the so-called "Monkey Trial" ended in Dayton, Tenn., with John T. Scopes convicted of violating state law for teaching Darwins's Theory of Evolution.  (The conviction was later overturned on a technicality.)

In 1930, President Herbert Hoover signed an executive order establishing the Veteran's Administration (later the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs.)

In 1969, Apollo 11 astronauts blasted off from the moon aboard the ascent stage of the lunar module for docking with the command module.

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Today--------------Singer Kay Starr is 90, Movie director Norman Jewison is 86, Former Attorney General Janet Reno is 74, Actress Patricia Elliot is 70, Actor Edward Herrmann is 69, Actor Leigh Lawson is 67, Actor Art Hindle is 64, Singer Yusuf Islam (Formerly Cat Stevens) is 64, Cartoonist Garry Trudeau is 64 and Comedian-actor Robin Williams is 61.

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July 21st is:  Celebration of the Horse Day (21-22), National Hot Dog Day, Toss Away The "Could Haves" And "Should Haves" Day, Woodie Wagon Day and Legal Drinking Age Day.

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Quip for the day.......Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------another beautiful Sunday......

REAL CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS.........

"The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

"Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Shall Not Pass This Way Again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation."

"Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.  All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done."

"The Low Self-Esteem Support Group meets Thursday at 7 p.m.  Please use the back door."

"During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon supplied by the Rev. J.F. Stubbs."

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In 1587, an English colony fated to vanish under mysterious circumstances was established on Roanoke Island off North Carolina.

In 1893, Wellesley College professor Katharine Lee Bates visited the summit of Pikes Peak, where she was inspired to write the original version of her poem "America the Beautiful."

In 1934, bank robber John Dillinger was shot to death by federal agents outside Chicago's Biograph Theater.

In 1942, gasoline rationing involving the use of coupons began along the Atlantic seaboard.

In 1962, Mariner 1, NASA's first attempt at sending a spacecraft to Venus, was destroyed shortly after launch because of faulty steering.

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Today------Opera singer Licia Albanese is 99, Former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole, R-Kan., is 89, Actor-comedian Orson Bean is 84, Fashion designer Oscar de la Renta is 80, Actress Louise Fletcher is 78, R&B singer Chuck Jackson is 75, Actor Terence Stamp is 74, Game show host Alex Trebek is 72, Singer-songwriter-bandleader-producer George Clinton is 71, Actor-singer Bobby Sherman is 69, Movie writer-director Paul Schrader is 66, Actor Danny Glover is 66, Singer Mireille Mathieu is 66, Actor-comedian-director Albert Brooks is 65 and Rock singer Don Henley is 65.

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July 22nd is:  Casual Pi Day, National Penuche Fudge Day, Parent's Day, Rat Catcher's Day and Spooners (Spoonerisms) Day.

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Quip for the day......Life is like a roll of toilet paper.  The closer to the end you get, the faster it goes.

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Larryj