another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------Happy Independence Day.......

More Fourth of July Q&A........

Q:  What did one flag say to the other flag?
A:  Nothing, it just waved!

Q:  What were Fourth of July picnics like before refrigeration?
A:  The hot dogs were bad and the brats were wurst!

Q:  Why did the British wear red coats?
A:  So they could hide in the tomatoes!

Q:  What would Patrick Henry have said if he had been Italian?
A:  "Give me lasagna or give me death!"

Q:  What's even more wonderful than the freedom of speech?
A:  The freedom not to listen.

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In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was adopted by delegates to the Second Continental Congress in Philadelphia.

In 1802, the United States Military Academy opened at West Point, New York.

In 1831, the fifth president of the United States, James Monroe, died in New York City at age 73.

In 1939, Lou Gehrig of the New York Yankees delivered his famous farewell speech in which he called himself "the luckiest man on the face of the earth."

In 1982, the space shuttle Columbia concluded its fourth and final test flight with a smooth landing at Edwards Air Force Base in California. 

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Today------------Advice columnist Pauline Phillips (the original "Dear Abby") is 94, Actress Eva Marie Saint is 88, Actress Gina Lollobrigida is 85, Playwright Neil Simon is 85, Actor Ed Bernard is 73, Actress Karolyn Grimes is 72, Broadcast journalist Geraldo Rivera is 69 and R&B musician Ralph Johnson is 61.

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July 4th is:  Independence Day, Independence From Meat Day and Indivisible Day.

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Quip for the day............The older I get the better I was.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------hah............

After lunch at her favorite cafe, El Garlique, Grandma visits the sporting goods store to find a birthday gift for her grandson.  She selects a rod and reel, takes it up front and asks the clerk, "What can you tell me about this?"

He says, "I'm completely blind, but let me feel it and I can tell you everything."

She hands it to him.  He says, "Yes, that's the Spearcaster rod with a Dyco reel.  It's on sale for $20."

Impressed, she drops a credit card on the counter.  "Ah, sounds like American Express!" the clerk says.  He starts to ring her up.

Grandma starts to compliment the clerk on his amazing ability, but she accidentally belches, loudly.  She blushes in stunned silence.

The clerk says, "OK, that comes to $34.50 plus tax.  Sign here, please."

Grandma says, "$34.50?  I thought you said $20!"

The clerk replies, "Yes, the rod and reel are $20.  But the duck call is $3.50 and the bear repellent is $11."

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In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the National Labor Relations Act.

In 1946, the bikini, created by Louis Beard, was worn by Micheline Bernardini during a poolside fashion show in Paris.

In 1947, Larry Doby made his debut with the Cleveland Indians, becoming the first black player in the American League.

In 1971, President Richard M. Nixon certified the 26th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which lowered the minimum voting age from 21 to 18.

In 1975, Arthur Ashe became the first black man to win a Wimbledon singles title as he defeated Jimmy Connors.

In 2002, Baseball Hall of Famer Ted Williams died in Citrus County, Florida, at age 83.

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Today------------Actress Katherine Helmond is 83, Actress Shirley Knight is 76, Julie Nixon Eisenhower is 64, Rock Star Huey Lewis is 62, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Rich "Goose" Gossage is 61, Country musician Charles Ventre is 60 and Singer musician Robbie Robertson is 69.

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July 5th is:  Earth at Aphelion and Bikini Day.

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Quip for the day..........Golf is what you play when you are too out of shape to play softball.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------funny.......

After putting the grandchildren to bed, Grandma changed into shorts and an old droopy shirt and proceeded to wash and dye her hair at the bathroom sink.

As she heard the grandkids getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.  When she heard the sound of a lamp toppling and breaking, she decided enough was enough.  She wrapped a towel around her head and stormed into their room.

"Get back in bed this instant and don't make another sound until morning!" she commanded.

The children scrambled into their beds and threw the covers over their heads.

As Grandma returned to the bathroom, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

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In 1933, the first All-Star baseball game was played at Chicago's Comiskey Park; the American League defeated the National League,   4-2.

In 1942, Anne Frank, her parents and sister entered a "secret annex" in an Amsterdam building where they were later joined by four other people; they hid from Nazi occupiers for two years before being betrayed and arrested.

In 1957, Althea Gibson became the first black tennis player to win a Wimbledon singles title as she defeated fellow American Darlene Hard, 6-3, 6-2.

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Today-------Former First Lady Nancy Reagan is 91, Actor William Schallert is 90, Singer-actress Della Reese is 81, Actor Ned Beatty is 75, Country singer Jeannie Seely is 72, Actor Burt Ward is 67, Former President George W. Bush is 66, Actor-director Sylvester Stallone is 66, Actor Fred Dryer is 66, Actress Shelley Hack is 65, Actor Geoffrey Rush is 61, Actress Allyce Beasley is 61, Rock musician John Bazz is 60 and The 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet is 77.

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July 6th is:  International Chicken Wing Society Cook-Off Day (6-8), World Kiss Day and Take Your Webmaster To Lunch Day.

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Quip for the day........The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------funny.....

Did you hear about the idiot at the gas station who caught his shirt on fire?

He was filling his gas tank and decided to have a cigarette.

Idiot.

Sure enough, he's standing there smoking, and pumping gas, and he starts the sleeve of his shirt on fire.  It caused a real scene.

Idiot.

Fortunately, he wasn't badly injured.  But the cops came and arrested him.

The charge?  Waving a fire arm.

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In 1846, U.S. annexation of California was proclaimed at Monterey after the surrender of a Mexican garrison.

In 1865, four people were hanged in Washington, D.C., for conspiring with John Wilkes Booth to assassinate President Abraham Lincoln.

In 1898, the United States annexed Hawaii.

In 1981, President Ronald Reagan announced he was nominating Arizona Judge Sandra Day O'Conner to become the first female justice on the U.S. Supreme Court.

In 1987, Lt. Col. Oliver North began his long-awaited public testimony at the Iran-Contra hearing, telling Congress that he had "never carried out a single act, not one," without authorization.

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Today-----------Musician-conductor Doc Severinsen is 85, Pulitzer Prize-winning author David McCullough is 79, Singer-musician Warren Entner is 69, Rock musician Jim Rodford is 67, Actor Joe Spano is 66, Pop singer David Hodo is 65, Country singer Linda Williams is 65, Actress Shelley Duvall is 63, Actress Roz Ryan is 61 and Rock musician Ringo Starr is 72.

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July 7th is:  Carver Day, Chocolate Day, Father-Daughter Take A Walk Day, Global Forgiveness Day, Hop A Park Day, International Cherry Pit Spitting Day, International Day Of Cooperatives and Tell The Truth Day.

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Quip for the day........Why do they sell cigarettes at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------oops.......

There was a man who walked to work each day and he always would stop at a clockmaker's shop and synchronize his watch with the clock in the window there.

The curious clockmaker stopped the man one day and asked him what kind of work he did.  The man said he worked as superintendent at the nearby factory, and one of his tasks was to keep the facility's clocks running on time.  His own watch was faulty, so he adjusted it each day to match the clockmaker's clock.

Hearing this, the clockmaker laughed and said, "I hate to tell you this, but this clock doesn't work very well either.  I adjust it each day to match the 4 p.m. bell at the factory!"

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In 1776, Col. John Nixon gave the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence in Philadelphia.

In 1889, The Wall Street Journal was first published.

In 1907, Florenz Ziegfield staged his first "Follies" on the roof of the New York Theater.

In 1962, the United States conducted Starfish Prime, a nuclear test in which a 1.44 megaton warhead was detonated 250 miles above the Pacific Ocean; the resulting electromagnetic pulse caused limited electrical disruptions in parts of Hawaii.

In 2007, Roger Federer won his fifth straight Wimbledon championship, beating Rafael Nadal.

In 2011, Atlantis thundered into orbit on a cargo run that would close out the three-decade U.S. space shuttle program.

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Today--------Singer Jerry Vale is 80, Singer Steve Lawrence is 77, Actor Jeffrey Tambor is 68, Actress Kim Darby is 65, Children's performer Raffi is 64, Actress Anjelica Huston is 61 and Writer Anna Quindlen is 60.

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July 8th is:  Math 2.0 Day and SCUD Day (Savor the Comic, Unplug the Drama.)

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Quip for the day.......I'd like mornings if they started later.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----a Queen's riddle.......

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there... any tips you can give to me?"
‎"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, he ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

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In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was read aloud to Gen. George Washington's troops in New York.

In 1850, the 12th president of the United States, Zachary Taylor, died after serving only 16 months of his term.  (He was succeeded by Millard Fillmore.)

In 1918, The Distinguished Service Cross was established by an Act of Congress.

In 1951, President Harry S. Truman asked Congress to formally end the state of war between the United States and Germany.  (An official end to the state of war was declared in Octorber 1951.)

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Today------Actor-singer Ed Ames is 85, Actor Brian Dennehy is 74, Actor Richard Roundtree is 70, Author Dean Koontz is 67, Actor Chris Cooper is 61 and TV personality John Tesh is 60.

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July 9th is:  International Town Criers Day.

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Quip for the day...........You can do more with a kind word and a gun that just with a kind word.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----sounds like Jarhead...........

The captain prepared his men for battle.  "We're outnumbered six to one," he told them.  "Fight hard, and fight to win."

The men ran down the hill and engaged the enemy.  The battle raged.  Soon one of the soldiers returned to camp, whistling.  He made himself comfortable and poured himself a drink.

The captain ran out of his tent and cried, "What are you doing back here?  Didn't you hear me say we're outnumbered six to one?"

"Don't worry," the soldier said, patting his rifle proudly.  "I got my six."

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In 1961, Mildred E. Gillars, also known as "Axis Sally," was paroled from a federal prison in West Virginia after serving 11 years for treason for her propaganda broadcasts from Nazi Germany during World War II.

In 1985, bowing to pressure from irate customers, the Coca-Cola Co. said it would resume selling old-formula Coke, while continuing to sell New Coke.

In 1991, President George H.W. Bush lifted economic sanctions against South Africa.

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Today------Former boxer Jake LaMotta is 91, Writer-producer Earl Hamner is 89, Former New York City Mayor David  N. Dinkins is 85, Actor William Smithers is 85, Actor Lawrence Pressman is 73, Singer Mavis Staples is 73, Actor Robert Pine is 71, International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Virginia Wade is 67, Actor Ron Glass is 67, Actress Sue Lyon is 66 and Singer Arlo Guthrie is 65.

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July 10th is:  Don't Step On A Bee Day, Pina Colada Day and Teddy Bears' Picnic Day.

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Quip for the day........One of the purposes of the big toe is to find furniture in the dark.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------Bob Hope......

The late great comedian and actor Bob Hope, who died in 2003 at the age of 100, once reflected on the milestones of old age.

ON TURNING 70:  "I still chase women, but it's only downhill."

ON TURNING 80:  "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90:  "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100:  "I don't feel old.  In fact, I don't feel anything until noon.  Then it's time for my nap."

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In 1798, the U.S. Marine Corps was formally re-established by a congressional act that also created the U.S. Marine Band.

In 1804, Vice President Aaron Burr mortally wounded former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton during a pistol duel in Weehawken, NJ.

In 1922, the Hollywood Bowl officially opened with a program called "Symphonies Under the Stars" with Alfred Hertz conducting the Los Angeles Philharmonic.

In 1937, American composer and pianist George Gershwin died at a Los Angeles hospital of a brain tumor; he was 38.

In 1979, the abandoned U.S. space station Skylab made a spectacular return to Earth, burning up in the atmosphere and showering debris over the Indian Ocean and Australia.

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Today-------Actor Tab Hunter is 81, Actress Susan Seaforth Hayes is 69, Singer Jeff Hanna is 65, Ventriloquist-actor Jay Johnson is 63, Actor Bruce McGill is 62, Singer Bonnie Pointer is 62 and Actor Stephen Lang is 60.

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July 11th is:  Bowdlers Day, Day Of The Five Billion, Cheer Up The Lonely Day, Slurpee Day, National Rainier Cherries Day and World Population Day.

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Quip for the day.............They say:  You don't know what you've got until you lose it.
                                    Truth:  You knew exactly what you had; you just thought you'd never lose it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah.......

The big passenger jet was in trouble and the pilot had to land quickly.  He headed to the nearest airport and made a perfect landing.

However, it was a small airport, and the plane went off the end of the runway, through a fence, over a highway, through another fence, across a cornfield and ended up at the front door of a farmhouse.

The old farmer ran out exclaiming, "Wow!  When I made my reservation I certainly didn't expect service like this!"

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In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill passed by Congress authorizing the Medal of Honor.

In 1909, the House of Representatives joined the Senate in passing the 16th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, allowing for a federal income tax, and submitted it to the states.  (It was declared ratified in February 1913.)

In 1962, The Rolling Stones played their first-ever gig at The Marquee in London.

In 1984, Democratic presidential candidate Walter F. Mondale announced he'd chosen U.S. Rep. Geraldine A. Ferraro of New York to be his running mate; Ferraro was the first woman to fun for vice president for a major party.

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Today------Movie director Monte Hellman is 83, Pianist Van Cliburn is 78, Comedian Bill Cosby is 75, Singer-musician Christine McVie is 69, Actress Denise Nicholas is 68, Singer-songwriter Butch Hancock is 67, Fitness Guru Richard Simmons is 64, Actor Jay Thomas is 64 and Actress Cheryl Ladd is 61.

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July 12th is:  Simplicity Day.

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Quip for the day.............Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------Caution!  GROANER!........

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to NY and onward west to Yellowstone.

They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance and finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists.

The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged with no sign of the missing men.

They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had
eaten the scientist because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

(Here it comes.......)

The other ranger responded, "Of course, the Czech is in the male."

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In 1923, a sign consisting of 50-foot-tall letters spelling out "HOLLYWOODLAND" was dedicated in the Hollywood Hills to promote a subdivision of Los Angeles.  (The last four letters were removed in 1949.)

In 1939, Frank Sinatra made his first commercial recording, "From the Bottom of My Heart" and "Melancholy Mood," with Harry James and his Orchestra for the Brunswick label.

In 1960, John F. Kennedy won the presidential nomination on the first ballot at his party's convention in Los Angeles.

In 1977, a blackout lasting 25 hours hit the New York City area.

In 1985, "Live Aid," an international rock concert in London, Philadelphia, Moscow and Sidney, took place to raise money for Africa's starving people.

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Today------Actor Patrick Stewart is 72, Actor Robert Forster is 71, Actor Harrison Ford is 70, Singer-guitarist Roger McGuinn (The Byrds) is 70, Actor-comedian Cheech Marin is 66, Actress Daphne Maxwell Reid is 64 and Actress Didi Conn is 61.

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July 13th is:  Chick-fil-A's Cow Appreciation Day, Collecter Car Appreciation Day, Embrace Your Geekness Day, Gruntled Worker's Day and National French Fries Day.

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Quip for the day..........Her kisses left something to be desired..........the rest of her.

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Larryj