another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------hah.........

The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual promises that they would care for it, they got one.  They named it Danny.

Months later, when Mom found herself solely responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.  She told the children that Danny was leaving.

The kids took the news pretty well, though one of them said, "He's been around here a long time.  We'll miss him."

"Yes," Mom replied, "but he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."

Another child said, "Well, it's too bad we can't keep him, but all he did was eat and sleep, and he was so messy."

Mom said, "OK, I'm taking Danny to his new home now.  Go and get his cage."

The children reacted with horror.  One of them cried, "Danny?  We thought you said Daddy!"

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In 1777, the Continental Congress in Philadelphia adopted the Stars and Stripes as the national flag.

In 1954, the words "under God" were added to the Pledge of Allegiance.

In 1967, the space probe Mariner 5 was launched from Cape Kennedy on a flight that took it past Venus.

In 1972, the Environmental Protection Agency ordered a ban on continued domestic use of the pesticide DDT.

In 1992, Mona Van Duyn became the first woman to be named the nation's poet laureate by the Library of Congress.

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Today------Actress Marla Gibbs is 81, Writer Peter Mayle is 73, Actor Jack Bannon is 72, Country-rock musician Spooner Oldham is 69, Rock singer Rod Argent (The Zombies; Argent) is 67, Real Estate mogul and TV personality Donald Trump is 66, Singer Janet Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 66, Rock musician Barry Melton is 65, Rock musician Alan White (Yes) is 63 and Actor Eddie Mekka is 60.

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June 14th is:  Army's Birthday, Career Nurse Assistant's Day, Pause For The Pledge Day, World Blood Donor Day, Family History Day and Flag Day.

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Quip for the day.........Did you hear about the woman who shot her husband with a bow and arrow?  She didn't want to wake the children.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------yep...........

A father and son went fishing.  During one quiet moment, the boy asked, "Dad, how does this boat float on water?"

The father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A while later, the boy asked, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

The father thought for a moment then said, "Don't rightly know, son."

Some time later, the boy asked, "Why is the sky blue?"

The father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

After a while, the boy said, "Dad, do you mind me asking you all of these questions?"

Father replied, "Of course not, son.  If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything."

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In 1215, England's King John put his seal to the Magna Carta ("The Great Charter") at Runnymede.

In 1864, Secretary of War Edwin M. Stanton signed an order establishing a military burial ground, which became Arlington National Cemetery.

In 1978, King Hussein of Jordan married 26-year-old American Lisa Halaby, who became Queen Noor.

In 1992, Vice President Dan Quayle, relying on a faulty flash card, erroneously instructed Trenton, NJ., sixth-grade student William Figueroa to spell "potato" as "potatoe" during a spelling bee.

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Today---------Former New York Governor Mario Cuomo is 80, Rock musician Lee Dorman is 70, Singer Russell Hitchcock is 63 and Rock singer Steve Walsh is 61.

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June 15th is:  Magna Carta Day, Native American Citizenship Day, Nature Photography Day, National Day Of Prayer For Law Enforcement Officers, National Flip Flop Day, Work@Home Father's Day and World Elder Abuse Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day..........Doubt not your wife's wisdom.............look who she married.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------got it.....

The farmer had worked hard to send his only son to college in the big city.  After the first semester is completed, the son arrives home for a short visit.  The farmer beams with pride.

"Well, son," he says, "you done gone to college, so you must be purty smart now.  Why don't you talk some math or something.  Show us what you know."

The son thinks for a moment, then says, "Pi R squared."

The father scowls and says, "Well, that sure was a waste of money if that's what they been teaching you.  Everyone knows pies are round.  Cornbread are squared!"

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In 1858, accepting the Illinois Republican Party's nomination for the U.S. Senate, Abraham Lincoln said the slavery issue had to be resolved, declaring, "A house divided against itself cannot stand."

In 1903, Ford Motor Co. was incorporated.

In 1911, IBM had its beginnings as the Computing-Tabulating-Recording Co.  It was incorporated in New York State.

In 1962, The New Yorker published the first of a three-part serialization of "Silent Spring" by Rachel Carson.

In 1963, the world's first female space traveler, Valentina Tereshkova, was launched into orbit by the Soviet Union aboard Vostok 6.

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Today---------Actor Bill Cobbs is 77, Author Joyce Carol Oates is 74, Country singer Billy "Crash" Craddock is 73, Songwriter Lamont Dozier is 71, Rhythm-and-blues singer Eddie Levert is 70, Actor Geoff Pierson is 63, Rhythm-and-blues singer James Smith (The Stylistics) is 62, Boxing Hall-of-Famer Roberto Duran is 61, Pop singer Gino Vannelli is 60 and Actress Joan Van Ark is 69.

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June 16th is:  Bloomsday, Fudge Day, Ladies Day (Baseball), Recess At Work Day and World Juggling Day.

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Quip for the day.............I went to school to become a wit, but only got halfway through.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------fathers then and now.........

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.  Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool and 4-car garage.  And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father showed his kids how do do stuff.  Today, his kids show him how to work a computer, set up a VCR and program a picture phone.

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his family at the supper table.  Today, everyone's off doing something else and there's a note:  "Frozen pizza in the fridge."

In 1900, fathers and sons had heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.  Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their son's ears and shout, "When you have a minute...."

In 1900, a father gave his kid a pencil box for his birthday, and the kid was all smiles.  Today, he spends $800 at Toys R Us, and the kid yells:  "I wanted an Xbox."

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In 1775, the Revolutionary War Battle of Bunker Hill resulted in a costly victory for the British, who suffered heavy losses.

In 1885, the Statue of Liberty arrived in New York Harbor aboard the French ship Isere.

In 1942, the U.S. Army began publishing "Yank, the Army Weekly," featuring the debut of the cartoon character G.I. Joe.

In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon's eventual downfall began with the arrest of five burglars inside the Democratic national headquarters in Washington, D.C.'s Watergate complex.

In 1987, Charles Glass, a journalist on leave from ABC News, was kidnapped in Lebanon.  (Glass escaped his captors in August 1987)

In 1992, President George H.W. Bush and Russian President Boris Yeltsin signed a breakthrough arms-reduction agreement.

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Today-------------Actor Peter Lupus is 80, Actor William Lucking is 71, Singer Barry Manilow is 69 and Comedian Joe Piscopo is 61.

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June 17th is:  Husband Caregiver Day, Family Awareness Day, Father's Day, Stewart's Root Beer Day and World Day To Combat Desertification and Drought.

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Quip for the day............A father is someone you look up to, no matter how tall you are.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------oh no!...........

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to attend the London Olympics, but they haven't got tickets.

The resourceful Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.

"McTavish, Scotland, Discus," he announces and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.  "Waddington-Smyth, England, Pole vault," he says.  He is waved in.

The Irishman looks around and finds a roll of badly rusted barbed wire.  He tucks it under his arm and proceeds to the gate. 

He says, "O'Malley, Ireland, Fencing."

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In 1812, the War of 1812 began as the United States Congress approved, and President James Madison signed, a declaration of war against Britain.

In 1873, suffragist Susan B. Anthony was found guilty by a judge in Canandaigua, NY., of breaking the law by casting a vote in the 1872 election.  (The judge fined Anthony $100, but she never paid the penalty.)

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Today------Singer Sue Raney is 72, Movie critic Roger Ebert is 70, Actress Constance McCashin is 65, Actress Linda Thorson is 65, Rock musician John Evans (The Box Tops) is 64, Actress Isabella Rossellini is 60, Actress Carol Kane is 60 and Singer-composer-musician Sir Paul McCartney is 70.

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June 18th is:  Ride To Work Day (Motorcycles) and International Sushi Day.

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Quip for the day..........Four out of five people think the fifth one is an idiot.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah.......

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride.  Having spent a lot of money for the tickets, they brought along their food to save on travel expenses.

About an hour into the trip, they got hungry and pulled a couple of oranges out of their travel bag.  They started peeling them.  Just then the train plunged into a long, dark tunnel.

After a moment, Ole asked Lars, "Have you eaten your orange yet?"

Lars replied, "No."

Ole said, "Well, don't touch it then.  I just took a bite and went blind."

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In 1862, Congress passed, and President Abraham Lincoln signed, a measure abolishing slavery in U.S. territories.

In 1865, Union troops commanded by Maj. Gen. Gordon Granger arrived in Galveston, Texas, with news that the Civil War was over, and that all remaining slaves in Texas were free.

In 1953, Julius Rosenberg, 35, and his wife, Ethel, 37, convicted of conspiring to pass U.S. atomic secrets to the Soviet Union, were executed at Sing Sing Prison in Ossining, NY.

In 1987, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down a Louisiana law requiring any public school teaching the theory of evolution to teach creation science as well.

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Today---------Actress Gena Rowlands is 82, Singer Spanky McFarlane (Spanky and Our Gang) is 70, Nobel peace laureate Aung San Suu Kyi is 67, Actress Phylicia Rashad is 64 and Rock singer Ann Wilson (Heart) is 62.

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June 19th is:  Garfield The Cat Day, Juneteenth, World Sickle Cell Day and World Sauntering Day.

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Quip for the day.........Flying is very safe............it's crashing that is dangerous.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------punny.........

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.  Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can't put it down.

At first I didn't like the idea of a beard.  Then it grew on me.

You know why the cross-eyed teacher lost her job, don't you?  She couldn't control her pupils.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

Velcro---------what a ripoff!

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In 1782, Congress approved the Great Seal of the United States, featuring the emblem of the bald eagle.

In 1863, West Virginia became the 35th state.

In 1947, Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel was shot dead at the Beverly Hills mansion of his girlfriend, Virginia Hill, apparently at the order of mob associates.

In 1967, boxer Muhammad Ali was convicted in Houston of violating Selective Service laws by refusing to be drafted.  (Ali's conviction was ultimately overturned by the Supreme Court.)

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Today-----------Actress Olympia Dukakis is 81, Actor Martin Landau is 81, Actor Danny Aiello is 79, Movie director Stephen Frears is 71, Singer-songwriter Brian Wilson is 70, Actor John McCook is 68, Singer Anne Murray is 67, TV personality Bob Vila is 66, Musician Andre Watts is 66, Actress Candy Clark is 65, Producer Tina Sinatra is 64, R&B singer Lionel Richie is 63 and Actor John Goodman is 60.

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June 20th is:  American Eagle Day, World Refugee Day, Summer Solstice, National Daylight Appreciation Day and Ann & Samantha Day.

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Quip for the day.........Vegetarian:  Native American definition for "lousy hunter."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------and yet another one..........

I'm not sure if my doctor takes me seriously.  I made an appointment and went to see him the other day.  He asked me, "What seems to be the problem?"

I said, "Doc, I can't seem to get this one song out of my head."

He said, "OK, which song is it?"

I said, "Its "The Green Green Grass of Home."

He frowned, wrote something on his clipboard, then looked me in the eye and said, "It sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

I asked him, "Is that common?"

He said, "It's not unusual."

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In 1942, during World War II, an Imperial Japanese submarine fired shells at Fort Stevens on the Oregon coast, causing little damage.

In 1982, a jury in Washington, D.C., found John Hinckley Jr. not guilty by reason of insanity in the shootings of President Ronald Reagan and three other men.

In 1997, the WNBA made its debut as the New York Liberty defeated the host Los Angeles Sparks 67-57.

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Today-------Composer Lalo Schifrin is 80, Actor Bernie Kopell is 79, Actor Monte Markham is 77, Songwriter Don Black is 74, Actress Mariette Hartley is 72, Comedian Joe Flaharty is 71, Rock singer-musician Ray Davies is 68, Actress Meredith Baxter is 65, Actor Michael Gross is 65, Rock musician Joe Molland is 65, Rock musician Don Airey is 64, Country singer Leon Everette is 64, Rock musician Joey Kramer is 62 and Rock musician Nils Lofgren is 61.

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June 21st is:  Atheists Solidarity Day, Go Skateboarding Day, Recess At Work Day, World Handshake Day and World Humanist Day.

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Quip for the day.............I got the bill for my surgery.  Now I know why those doctors wear masks.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------another take on a familiar joke.......

Two hikers are in the desert.  One of them sits down near a mesquite bush to tie his boot laces.  He is bitten on the buttocks by a rattlesnake.  He goes pale.

His friend says, "Hang in there!  I'll run to the nearest town and get a doctor."

He runs 10 miles to a tiny town where there's only one doctor.  The doctor is in surgery, and can't leave, but he sends out his nurse with a message.

The nurse says, "The doctor wants you to go back to your friend, cut an X across the bite and suck out all the poison and spit it on the ground."

The hiker runs 10 miles back to his friend, who is fading fast.  The sick man says, "What did the doctor say?"

His friend replies, "He said you're going to die."

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In 1937, Joe Louis began his reign as world heavyweight boxing champion by knocking out Jim Braddock in the eighth round of their fight in Chicago.

In 1938, Joe Louis knocked out Max Schmeling in the first round of their rematch at Yankee Stadium.

In 1969, singer-actress Judy Garland died in London at age 47.

In 1987, actor-dancer Fred Astaire died in Los Angeles at age 88.

In 1992, the U.S. Supreme Court, in R.A.V. v. City of St. Paul, unanimously ruled that "hate crime" laws that ban cross burning and similar expressions of racial bias violated free-speech rights.

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Today---------Actor Ralph Waite is 84, Actor Michael Lerner is 71, Broadcast journalist Brit Hume is 69, Singer Peter Asher (Peter and Gordon) is 68, Singer Howard "Eddie" Kaylan is 65, Singer-musician Todd Rundgren is 64, Actress Meryl Streep is 63, Actress Lindsay Wagner is 63, Singer Alan Osmond is 63 and Singer-actor Kris Kristofferson is 76.

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June 22nd is:  Stupid Guy Thing Day, Take Your Dog To Work Day and Ugliest Dog Day.

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Quip for the day.........The doctor X-rayed my head and found nothing.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------oops........

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

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In 1812, Britain, unaware that America had declared war against it five days earlier, rescinded its policy on neutral shipping, a major contention between the two countries.  The same day, the British frigate HMS Belvidera came under attack for the USS President and the USS Congress in the North Atlantic; the Belvidera managed to escape.

In 1860, a congressional resolution authorized creation of the United States Government Printing Office, which opened the following year.

In 1931, aviators Wiley Post and Harold Gatty took off from New York on a round-the-world flight that lasted eight days and 15 hours.

In 1938, the Civil Aeronautics Authority was established.

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Today--------Singer Diana Trask is 72, Musical director James Levine is 69, Rhythm-and-blues singer Rosetta Hightower (The Orlons) is 68, Actor Ted Shackelford is 66, Actor Bryan Brown is 65, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is 64 and Actor Jim Metzler is 61.

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June 23rd is:  AARL (American Radio Relay League) Field Day (23-24), Baby Boomer's Recognition Day, Great American Backyard Campout, Let It Go Day, Pink Flamingo Day (yard ornaments), Public Service Day and SAT Math Day.

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Quip for the day...........Remember when we were young how we couldn't wait to grow up?  Wow, were we stupid or what?

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Larryj