another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----------hah............

The coach summons his Little League team into a circle before the game.

"OK," he says, "I want  a good, clean game.  I want to see sportsmanlike behavior.  I don't want to hear any taunting or trash-talking.  No whining or complaining.  No yelling at the umpire.  No rough play, either. Remember, this is a game.  Does everyone understand?"

The young players nodded solemnly.

The coach continued, "OK, it's not you I'm worried about.  Go tell your parents."

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In 1934, bank robbers Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker were shot to death in a police ambush in Bienville Parish, LA.

In 1937, industrialist and philanthropist John D. Rockefeller, founder of Standard Oil Co. and the Rockefeller Foundation, died in Ormond Beach, Florida, at age 97.

In 1984, Surgeon General C. Everett Koop issued a report saying there was "very solid" evidence linking cigarette smoke to lung disease in non-smokers.

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Today------------Bluegrass singer Mac Wiseman is 87, Actor Nigel Davenport is 84, Actress Barbara Barrie is 81, Actress Joan Collins is 79, Actor Charles Kimbrough is 76, Actress Lauren Chapin is 67, Country singer Misty Morgan is 67 and Country singer Judy Rodman is 61.

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May 23rd is:  National Taffy Day, World's Crohn's and Colitis Day and World Turtle Day.

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Quip for the day.........If you want your children to listen to you, try talking softly to someone else.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------another "hah"...........

The frequent flier normally didn't care for small talk during long flights, but the nice old lady seated next to him was pleasant and friendly, in addition to being very talkative.

So he listened good-naturedly as she rambled on and on about her grandchildren.

For a solid hour and a half she recounted in great detail the exploits and achievements of each one of them.  At one point she even pulled out a fold-out photo album with pictures of all nine of them.

The gentleman listened with great patience, and studied the photographs with a great show of interest.  But he had to laugh out loud when Grandma finally said, "Oh, dear, I've done all the talking.  I'm so sorry.  I know you must have something to say, and I do want to hear it.  Please, tell me .... what do YOU think of my grandchildren?"

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In 1844, Samuel F.B. Morse transmitted the message "What hath God wrought" from Washington to Baltimore as he formally opened America's first telegraph line.

In 1935, the first major league baseball game to be played at night took place at Cincinnati's Crosley Field as the Reds beat the Philadelphia Phillies, 2-1.

In 1961, a group of Freedom Riders was arrested after arriving at a bus terminal in Jackson, Mississippi, charged with breaching the peace for entering white-designated areas.  (They ended up serving 60 days in jail.)

In 1962, astronaut Scott Carpenter became the second American to orbit the Earth as he flew aboard Aurora 7.

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Today-------Comedian Tommy Chong is 74, Actor Gary Burghoff is 69, Singer Patti LaBelle is 68, Actress Priscilla Presley is 67, Country singer Mike Reid is 65, Actor Jim Broadbent is 63 and Singer Bob Dylan is 71.

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May 24th is:  Brother Day, International Tiara Day and Morse Code Day.

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Quip for the day........Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------still another "hah"........

A man walks into a butcher's shop and says, "I'm having a holiday cookout this weekend.  How much is your ground sirloin?"

The butcher replies, "It's 29 cents a pound."

The man says, "That's great!  I'll take five pounds."

Butcher says, "Sorry, we're out."

The disappointed man tries another butcher's shop.  "How much is your ground sirloin?"

The butcher answers, "It's $7.99 a pound."

The man says, "What?  The butcher down the street is selling it for 29 cents a pound.  I was just in there, but he's out of it right now."

The second butcher smiles and says, "Well, when I don't have any, I'll sell it for 29 cents a pound, too."

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In 1787, the Constitutional Convention began at the Pennsylvania State House (Independence Hall) in Philadelphia after enough delegates had shown up for a quorum.

In 1935, Babe Ruth hit the 714th and final home run of his career, for the Boston Braves, in a game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.

In 1986, an estimated 7 million Americans participated in "Hands Across America" to raise money for the nation's hungry and homeless.

In 1992, Jay Leno made his debut as host of NBC's "Tonight Show" succeeding Johnny Carson.

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Today-----------Lyricist Hal David is 91, Former White House news secretary Ron Nessen is 78, Country singer-songwriter Tom T. Hall is 76, Actor Sir Ian McKellen is 73, Country singer Jesse Colter is 69, Actress-singer Leslie Uggams is 69, Movie director and Muppeteer Frank Oz is 68, Actress Karen Valentine is 65, Rock singer Klaus Meine is 64 and Actress Patti D'Arbanville is 61.

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May 25th is:  Cookie Monster's Birthday, Don't Fry Day, Heat Awareness Safety Day, National Missing Children's Day, National Tap Dance Day, Nerd Pride Day or Geek Pride Day, Towel Day, National Wig-out Day and Old Time Player Piano Day.

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Quip for the day.........How is it the "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------still another "hah"............

My four-year-old nephew scared us half to death one summer by disappearing one afternoon during the family's lakeside vacation.

More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was more than relieved when we found Alex playing calmly in the woods.

"Listen to me, Alex," his mother said sharply.  "From now on, when you want to go some place, you tell Mommy first, OK?"

Alex considered this for a moment, then said, "OK, Disneyland."

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In 1942, the U.S. War Department formally established the Armed Forces Radio Service (AFRS) during World War II as a way of boosting morale among American troops overseas.  That same day, Radio Tokyo boasted of recent victories in the Pacific War and declared that "the Japanese people can look forward to a triumphal march into London and a victory march in New York."

In 1942, the Tule Lake Segregation Center, which held Japanese-Americans wartime internees, opened in Northern California.

In 1992, Charles Geschke, president and chief operating officer of Adobe Systems, Inc., was kidnapped in the company's parking lot in Mountain View, CA., and held for ransom.  (Geschke was rescued four days later: his kidnappers were arrested.)

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Today---------Actor Alec McCowen is 87, Sportscaster Brent Musberger is 73, Country musician Gates Nichols (Confederate Railroad) is 68, Singer Stevie Nicks is 64, Actor Philip Michael Thomas is 63, Country singer Hank Williams Jr. is 63, Former astronaut Sally K. Ride is 61 and Actress Pam Grier is 63.

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May 26th is:  International Jazz Day, Julia Pierpoint Day and Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day.

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Quip for the day.......From a kid:  "When planets run around in circles, we say they are orbiting.  When people do it we say they are crazy."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------old, funny........

Complications of pregnancy cause a woman to fall into a deep coma-like sleep from which she awakens in three months, fully recovered.

She immediately realizes she no longer is pregnant.  Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "You had twins!  A boy and a girl.  They're fine.  Your brother came in and named them."

The woman says, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!  What did he name them?"

The doctor replies, "Well, let's see, the girl is named Denice."

The woman says, "Wow, that's not bad.  Guess I was wrong about my brother.  What did he name the boy?"

The doctor replies, "DeNephew."

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In 1861, Chief Justice Roger Taney, sitting as a federal circuit court judge in Baltimore, ruled that President Abraham Lincoln lacked the authority to suspend the writ of habeas corpus.  (Lincoln disregarded the ruling.)

In 1929, Charles A. Lindbergh Jr. married Anne Morrow in Englewood, NJ.

In 1937, the newly completed Golden Gate Bridge connecting San Francisco and Marin County was opened to pedestrian traffic.  (Vehicular traffic began crossing the bridge the next day.)

In 1942, Navy Cook 3rd Class Doris "Dorie" Miller became the first African-American to receive the Navy Cross for his "extraordinary courage and disregard for his own personal safety" during Japan's attack on Pearl Harbor.

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Today--------Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist Herman Wouk is 97, Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger is 89, Author John Barth is 82, Actress Lee Meriwether is 77, Actor Louis Gossett Jr. is 76, Rhythm-and-blues singer Raymond Sanders (The Persuasions) is 73, Country singer Don Williams is 73, Singer Cilla Black is 69, Singer Bruce Cockburn is 67, Singer-actress Dee Dee Bridgewater is 62 and Actor Christopher Lee is 90.

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May 27th is:  Cellophane Tape Day, Indianapolis 500, Pentecost and Whit Sunday.

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Quip for the day.........Pregnancy Q&A:  Q:  Our baby was born last week.  When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? 
A:  When the kid is in college.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------uh, wait......

One day on our Caribbean cruise, my husband and I decided to hit the pool.  We found good chairs, we each had a good book, and we were enjoying the day, but it soon got hot and we decided a cold beer would be refreshing.

We had purchased a couple of fancy brews the previous day at one of the on-board shops, and I went back to our room to fetch them.  A porter was in the room, making up the bed.

I asked him, "Is it OK if we drink beer in bottles by the pool?"

He said, "Sure.  Just let me finish these last few rooms here, then I'll be ready."

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In 1863, the 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry, made up of freed blacks, left Boston to fight for the Union in the Civil War.

In 1912, the Senate Commerce Committee issued its report on the sinking of the Titanic.  Sen. William Alden Smith, R-Mich., chairman of the special subcommittee that looked into the disaster, cited a "state of absolute unpreparedness," improperly tested safety equipment and an "indifference to danger" on the part of the ship's captain, Edward Smith, as being among the causes of an "unnecessary tragedy."

In 1937, President Franklin D. Roosevelt pushed a button in Washington signaling that vehicular traffic could begin crossing the just-opened Golden Gate Bridge in California.

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Today-----------Rockabilly singer-musician Sonny Burgess is 83, Actress Carroll Baker is 81, Producer-director Irwin Winkler is 81, Actor John Karlen is 79, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Jerry West is 74, Actress Beth Howland is 71, Former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani is 68, Actress-director Sondra Locke is 68, Singer Billy Vera is 68, Singer John Fogerty is 67 and Singer Gladys Knight is 68.

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May 28th is: Sierra Club Day, Slugs Return From Capistrano Day, Memorial Day, Prayer For Peace Memorial Day and Whit Monday.

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Quip for the day...........There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------gotcha.....

A man had been driving all night.  As day broke, he pulled off on a side street to catch a nap.  Alas, he had chosen a popular jogging route.

No sooner had he drifted off in sleep, he was disturbed by a knocking on his window.  A jogger asked, "Excuse me, what time is it?"

The man checked his watch and said, "6:15 AM."  The jogger thanked him on ran off.

The man fell asleep again, but was soon awakened by a knock on the window.

"What time is it?" another jogger asked.

The man checked his watch and said, "It's 6:30 AM."  The jogger thanked him with a nod and ran off.

The man found a piece of paper and a pen.  He made a sign and stuck it on the window.  It said, "I don't know what time it is."

No sooner was he asleep again when there was a knock on the window.  A jogger said, "Sir, it's 6:45 AM!"

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In 1848, Wisconsin became the 30th state to join the Union.

In 1942, the movie "Yankee Doodle Dandy," starring James Cagney as George M. Cohan, premiered in New York.

In 1942, Bing Crosby, the Ken Darby Singers and the John Scott Trotter Orchestra recorded Irving Berlin's "White Christmas" in Los Angeles for Decca Records.

In 1942, actor John Barrymore died in Hollywood at age 60.

In 1953, Mount Everest was conquered as Edmund Hillary of New Zealand and Tensing Norgay of Nepal became the first climbers to reach the summit.

In 1973, Tom Bradley was elected the first black mayor of Los Angeles, defeating incumbent Sam Yorty.

In 1987, a jury in Los Angeles acquitted "Twilight Zone" movie director John Landis and four associates of involuntary manslaughter in the movie-set deaths of actor Vic Morrow and two child actors, 7-year-old Myca Dinh Le and 6-year-old Renee Shinn-Yi Chen, who were killed by a falling helicopter.

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Today----------Actor Clifton James is 91, Former Baseball Commissioner Fay Vincent is 74, Race car driver Al Unser is 73, Actor Helmut Berger is 68, Rock singer Gary Brooker (Procol Harum) is 67, Actor Anthony Geary is 65 and Singer Rebbie Jackson is 62.

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May 29th is:  International Day Of United Nations Peacekeepers and Learn About Composting Day.

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Quip for the day............If God had meant us to travel economy class, he would have made us narrower.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------funny.......

The general is conducting inspection and he notices several G.I.s are missing.  That very moment, one of them runs up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, general, sir!" he says, saluting.  "I can explain.  I had a date and it ran a little late.  I missed the bus by seconds.  I got a cab, but it broke down.  I bought a horse, but it dropped dead.  So I ran 10 miles."

The general laughs at the audacious story.  He decides to give the guy a break.  "Get in line," he growls.

Moments later, four more G.I.s run up, panting.  They tell the same exact story.  Bus, cab, dead horse.  Same story.

The general frowns.  This is ridiculous, he thinks.

A sixth G.I. runs up.  "Sir, I had a date and it ran late.  I missed the bus by seconds.  I got a cab but.....

The general interrupts, "Let me guess.  It broke down."

The G.I. says, "No, but we had to go slow because of all the dead horses in the road."

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In 1911, the first Indy 500 took place at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway; the winner was Ray Harroun.

In 1912, aviation pioneer Wilbur Wright, 45, died in Dayton, Ohio, of typhoid fever more than eight years after he and his brother, Orville, launched their first airplane.

In 1937, 10 people were killed when police fired on steelworkers demonstrating near the Republic Steel plant in South Chicago.

In 1943, American forces secured the Aleutian island of Attu from the Japanese during World War II.

In 1958, unidentified American service members killed in World War II and the Korean War were interred in the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington National Cemetery.

In 1971, the American space probe Mariner 9 blasted off from Cape Kennedy, Florida, on a journey to Mars.

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Today------Country musician Johnny Gimble is 86, Actor Clint Walker is 85, Actor Keir Dullea is 76, Actress Ruta Lee is 76, Actor Michael J. Pollard is 73, Pro and College Football Hall of Famer Gayle Sayers is 68, Rock musician Lenny Davidson is 68 and Actor Stephen Tobolowsky is 61.

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May 30th is:  Loomis Day, National Senior Health and Fitness Day and World Multiple Sclerosis Day.

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Quip for the day............I'm desperately trying to figure out why Japanese Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------hah......gotcha.....

A mechanic was refitting a cylinder head on the engine of a BMW M3 when he noticed a well-known heart surgeon standing near the service area.  The doctor, who owned several BMWs, was a familiar face around the dealership, and the two men knew each other well.

The mechanic hailed his friend.  "Hey, Doc, come here and take a look at this!"

The doctor waved and walked over.

The mechanic said, "Look at this car.  I opened its heart, took out the valves, repaired or replace the damaged parts, and now I'm putting everything back in place and closing it up.  I promise you, it will run like new.  So, doc, how is it that I make $30,000 a year and you make a million, at least, when you and I do basically the same work?"

The doctor smiled and said, "Can you do it with the engine running?"

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In 1790, President George Washington signed into law the first U.S. copyright act.

In 1977, the trans-Alaska oil pipeline, three years in the making, was completed.

In 1994, the United States announced it was no longer aiming long-range nuclear missiles at targets in the former Soviet Union.

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Today-------------Singer Peter Yarrow is 74, Former Anglican Church envoy Terry Waite is 73, Singer-musician Augie Meyers is 72, Actress Sharon Gless is 69, Football Hall-of-Famer Joe Namath is 69, Actor Tom Berenger is 62, Actor Gregory Harrison is 62 and Actor-director Clint Eastwood is 82.

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May 31st is:  Hug Your Cat Day, What You Think Upon Grows Day and World No-Tobacco Day.

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Quip for the day...........You're old when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------hah.......

A well-worn $1 bill and a similarly distressed $20 bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.  They struck up a conversation.

"I've had a pretty good life," the 20 exclaimed.  "I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City and New Orleans.  I even spent time in Hawaii.  I've been to the best shows and finest restaurants in America.  I cruised the Caribbean, too."

"Wow!" the $1 bill said.  "That's exciting!"

The 20 said, "So, how about you, little fella?"

The $1 bill replied, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church....."

The $20 bill interrupted:  "What's a church?"

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In 1796, Tennessee became the 16th state.

In 1862, Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee assumed command of the Army of Northern Virginia during the Civil War.

In 1912, Paramount Pictures had its beginnings as Adolph Zukor incorporated the Famous Players Film Co., which later merged with the Jesse L. Lasky Feature Play Co.

In 1967, the Beatles album "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" was released.

In 1997, Betty Shabazz, the widow of Malcolm X, was severely burned in a fire set by her 12-year-old grandson in her Yonkers, NY, apartment.  (She died three weeks later.)

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Today--------Actor Richard Erdman is 87, Actor Andy Griffith is 86, Singer Pat Boone is 78, Actor-writer-director Peter Masterson is 78, Actor Rene Auberjonois is 72, Opera singer Frederica von Stade is 67, Actor Brian Cox is 66, Rock musician Ronnie Wood is 65, Actor Jonathan Pryce is 65, Actor Powers Boothe is 64 and Actor Morgan Freeman is 75.

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June 1st is:  Doughnut Day (1-2), Heimlich Maneuver Day, Milk Days (1-3), National Go Barefoot Day, Positive Power Of Humor And Creativity Days (1-3), Say Something Nice Day, Stand For Children Day and Leave The Office Early Day.

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Quip for the day............I fired my masseuse today.  She just rubbed me the wrong way.

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Larryj