another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's............sorry, late, appointment...........

On Monday, a florist went to a barber for a haircut.  After the cut, he reached for his wallet, but the barber said, "It's on the house.  I'm doing community service this week."  The florist was so pleased he sent over a thank you card and a bouquet of flowers.

On Tuesday, a cop came in for a haircut, and the barber wouldn't accept payment from him either.  "I'm doing community service this week," he said.  The happy cop later sent over a thank you card and two dozen doughnuts.

On Wednesday, a local politician came in, and the barber cut his hair for free.  "I'm doing community service this week," he said.

On Thursday, a dozen other local politicians were waiting in line for haircuts.

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In 1912, the first movie inspired by the Titanic disaster was released just a month after the British liner sank.  "Saved From the Titanic." a one-reel drama produced by the Eclair Film Co. of Port Lee, N.J., starred Dorothy Gibson, an actress who had been an actual passenger on the doomed ship; she wore the same outfit for the movie that she was wearing when rescued.  ("Saved From the Titanic" is considered lost, the only known copies having been destroyed in a fire in 1914.)

In 1961, Freedom Riders were attacked by violent mobs in Anniston and Birmingham, Alabama.

In 1987, actress Rita Hayworth died in New York at age 68.

In 1998, singer-actor Frank Sinatra died at a Los Angeles hospital at age 82. 

In 1998, the hit sitcom "Seinfeld" aired its final episode after nine years on NBC.

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Today---------Opera singer Patrice Munsel is 87, Photo-realist artist Richard Estes is 80, Rock singer-musician Jack Bruce (Cream) is 69, Movie producer George Lucas is 68, Actress Meg Foster is 84, Movie director Robert Zemeckis is 61 and Rock singer David Byrne is 60.

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May 14th is: Mothers At The Wall Day, National Chicken Dance Day, National Women's Checkup Day, The Stars And Stripes Forever Day and Underground America Day.

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Quip for the day........Why do politicians envy ventriloquists?  Because they can lie without moving their lips.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------funny........

The old man ordered one hamburger and a single order of french fries.  He carefully cut the burger in half and placed one half in front of his wife.  He then divided the fries between them.

A younger couple was seated nearby.  The young man stood up, approached the other table and politely offered to buy the older couple a second meal.

The old man said thanks, but declined.  "We're fine." he said.  "We share everything."

The young man returned to his seat, but soon noticed that the old woman was not eating.  He said to his wife, "Maybe you can reason with them.  Go offer to buy that poor woman her own meal."

The young woman did just that, but the old woman declined.  "We're fine," she said.  "We share everything."

The young woman said, "But, dear, you aren't eating your half.  What are you waiting for?"

The old woman replied, "The teeth."

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In 1963, astronaut L. Gordon Cooper blasted off aboard Faith 7 on the final mission of the Project Mercury space program.

In 1972, Alabama Gov. George C. Wallace was shot and left paralyzed by Arthur H. Bremer while campaigning in Laurel, MD., for the Democratic presidential nomination.  (Wallace died in 1998; Bremer was released from prison in November 2007 after serving 35 years of a 53-year sentence for attempted murder.)

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Today---------------Playwright Sir Peter Shaffer is 86, Actress-singer Anna Maria Alberghetti is 76, Counterculture icon Wavy Gravy is 76, Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright is 75, Singer Trini Lopez is 75, Singer Lenny Welch is 74, Actress-singer Lainie Kazan is 72, Actress Gunilla Hutton is 70, Country singer K.T. Oslin is 70, Singer-songwriter Brian Eno is 64, Actor Nicholas Hammond ("The Sound Of Music") is 62 and Actor Chazz Palminteri is 60.

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May 15th is:  International Day Of Families, National Chocolate Chip Day, National Safety Dose Day, Nylon Stockings Day, Peace Officer Memorial Day and Straw Hat Day.

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Quip for the day...........I'm not aging.  I just need re-potting.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------some old, some new.......

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Follow your dreams, except that one where you're naked in church.

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be and, frankly, neither is my short-term memory.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I may be a schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

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In 1868, the U.S. Senate failed by one vote to convict President Andrew Johnson as it took its first ballot on the eleven articles of impeachment against him.

In 1992, the space shuttle Endeavour completed its maiden voyage with a safe landing in the California desert.

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Today--------------Actor George Gaynes is 95, Actor Harry Carey Jr. is 91 and Jazz musician Billy Cobham is 68.

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May 16th is:  Biographers Day, National Sea Monkey Day and National Employee Health & Fitness Day.

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Quip for the day...........Billboard near Louisville, KY, advertises..........TATOOS........WHILE YOU WAIT.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------DUH..........

A traveling salesman stops for the night at a rustic motel out in the countryside.  Checking in, he asks the manager, "What's the weather going to be like tomorrow?"

The man behind the desk said, "Keep your eye on the weather gauge outside the window there."

The salesman examined the window then said, "All I see is a piece of rope hanging out there."

"That's the weather gauge."

"Really?  How does it work?"

"If the rope is swinging back and forth, you know its windy out.  If the rope is wet, it's raining, more then likely."

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In 1792, the New York Stock Exchange had its origins as a group of brokers met under a tree on Wall Street.

In 1946, President Harry S. Truman seized control of the nation's railroads, delaying --- but not preventing -- a threatened strike by engineers and trainmen.

In 1954, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka, unanimously struck down racially segregated public schools.

In 1987, 37 American sailors were killed when an Iraqi warplane attacked the U.S. Navy frigate Stark in the Persian Gulf.  (Iraq apologized for the attack, calling it a mistake, and paid more than $27 million in compensation.)

In 1992, orchestra leader Lawrence Welk died in Santa Monica, at age 89.

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Today-----------Singer Taj Mahal is 70.

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May 17th is:  World Hypertension Day, World Information Society Day and World Telecommunications Day.

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Quip for the day.........Did ya hear about the redneck who died and left everything to his wife?  She can't touch it until she is 14.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------must be male bashing day.............

Men are like bank accounts.  Unless they have a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like forks.  They only show up when there is food on the table.

Men are like government bonds.  They take so long to mature.

Men are like bike helmets.  They are handy in an emergency, but most of the time they just look silly.

Men are like mascara.  They start running at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like lava lamps.  They can be amusing, but they aren't very bright.

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In 1896, the Supreme Court, in Plessy v. Ferguson, endorsed "separate but equal" racial segregation, a concept renounced 58 years later in Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka.

In 1910, Halley's Comet passed by Earth.

In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure creating the Tennessee Valley Authority.

In 1953, Jacqueline Cochrane became the first woman to break the sound barrier as she piloted a Canadair F-86 jet over Roger's Dry Lake in the Mojave Desert.

In 1969, astronauts Eugene A. Cernan, Thomas P. Stafford and John W. Young blasted off aboard Apollo 10 on a mission to orbit the moon.

In 1980, the Mount St. Helens volcano in Washington state exploded leaving 57 people dead or missing.

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Today------------Hall-of-Fame sportscaster Jack Whitaker is 88, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Brooks Robinson is 75, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Reggie Jackson is 66, Actress Candice Azzara is 65, Country singer Joe Bonsall (The Oak Ridge Boys) is 64, Rock musician Rick Wakeman (Yes) is 63, Actor James Stephens is 61 and Country singer George Strait is 60.

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May 18th is:  Bats Day (18-20), Endangered Species Day, HIV Vaccine Awareness Day, I Love Reeses Day, International Museum Day, International Virtual Assistant Day, Mother Whistler Day, NASCAR Day, National Bike To Work Day, National Defense Transportation Day, National Pizza Party Day and Visit Your Relatives Day.

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Quip for the day.............Did you guys ever wonder if things wouldn't have been a lot better if God had used a funny bone instead of a rib?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------funny........

A farmer from the Midwest has aching feet.  "You need a vacation," the doc says.  "Go to Miami, soak your feet in sea water.  You'll feel better."

The farmer goes to Florida, buys two buckets at a hardware store, then goes to the beach.  The tide is in.  "How much for two buckets of sea water?" he asks the lifeguard.

"A dollar a bucket," the lifeguard replies with a straight face.

The farmer pays him, fills the buckets, carries them to his hotel room and soaks his feet.  His feet feel better.

Later he returns to the beach for a refill.  He gives the lifeguard two bucks.  The lifeguard says, "Help yourself."

The tide is out.  The farmer studies the scene, whistles in amazement, and says, "Wow, some business you got here!"

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In 1921, Congress passed and President Warren G. Harding signed, the Emergency Quota Act, which established national quotas for immigrants.

In 1967, the Soviet Union ratified a treaty with the United States and Britain banning nuclear and other weapons from outer space as well as celestial bodies such as the moon.

In 1994, former first lady Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis died in New York at age 64.

In 2011, President Barack Obama for the first time endorsed the Palestinians' demand that their eventual state be based on borders that existed before the 1967 Middle East war, a position that put him sharply at odds with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

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Today---------TV personality David Hartman is 77, Actor James Fox is 73, Actress Nancy Kwan is 73, Author-director Nora Ephron is 71, Actor Peter Mayhew is 68, Rock singer-composer Pete Townshend (The Who) is 67, Concert pianist David Helfgott is 65, Rock singer Dusty Hill (ZZ Top) is 63, Singer-actress Grace Jones is 60 and PBS newscaster Jim Lehrer is 78.

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May 19th is:  Artichoke Day (19-20), Armed Forces Day, National Asian & Pacific Islander HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Boys Club Day, May Ray Day, Mike, The Headless Chicken Day, O. Henry Pun-off Day and Preakness Stakes.

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Quip for the day......(caution:  groaner)................Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?  The survivors were
.........................................................................Marooned.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------hah......

Delivering a speech at a banquet in his honor on the night of his arrival in the capital city, famed theologian Dr. Folsom Holdingforth told a number of humorous anecdotes.

Noticing that there were reporters in the room taking notes, the illustrious preacher at one point, wagged his finger at them and cautioned, "Please don't spoil these stories by putting them in the newspaper, as I intend to use some of them in my sermon tomorrow at City Cathedral."

The next day he was shocked to read one reporter's account of the banquet proceedings.  The article ended with the sentence, "Dr. Holdingforth peppered his talk with a number of jokes that cannot be printed in this newspaper."

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In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed the Homestead Act, which was intended to encourage settlements west of the Mississippi River by making federal land available for farming.

In 1927, Charles Lindbergh took off from Roosevelt Field in Long Island, NY, aboard the Spirit of St. Louis on his historic solo flight to France.

In 1932, Amelia Earhart took off from Newfoundland to become the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic.

In 1939, regular trans-Atlantic mail service began as a Pan-American Airways plane, the Yankee Clipper, took off from Port Washington, NY, bound for Marseille, France.

In 1959, nearly 5,000 Japanese-Americans had their U.S. citizenship restored after renouncing it during World War II.

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Today---------Actor-author James McEachin is 82, Actor Anthony Zerbe is 76, Actor David Proval is 70, Singer Joe Cocker is 68, Actor-comedian Dave Thomas is 63, Rock musician Warren Cann is 60 and Singer-actress Cher is 66.

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Quip for the day........Entry from a Sunday School child........."Christians have only one spouse.  This is called monotony."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------timing is everything.......

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them.

"This is a stick-up," he announces.  "Do exactly as I say and nobody gets hurt.  I want you both to reach for your wallets, nice and slow.  Don't make any sudden movements.  Keep your hands where I can see them."

The two guys fish out their wallets.

"OK," the robber says, "take out the money, nice and slow, and give it to me."

The two guys pull out their money and start to hand it over.  First, though, one of the guys hands a bill to his friend.

"Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.

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In 1881, Clara Barton founded the American Red Cross.

In 1927, Charles A. Lindbergh landed his Spirit of St. Louis near Paris, completed the first solo airplane flight across the Atlantic Ocean in 33 1/2 hours.

In 1941, a German U-boat sank the American merchant steamship SS Robin Moor in the South Atlantic after allowing the ship's passengers and crew to board lifeboats.

In 1956, the United States exploded the first airborne hydrogen bomb over Bikini Atoll in the Pacific.

In 1959, the musical "Gypsy," inspired by the life of stripper Gypsy Rose Lee, opened on Broadway with Ethel Merman starring as Mama Rose.

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Today------------Rhythm-and-blues singer Ron Isley (The Isley Brothers) is 71, Rock musician Hilton Valentine (The Animals) is 69, Actor Richard Hatch ("Battlestar Galactica") is 67, Musician Bill Champlin is 65, Singer Leo Sayer is 64, Actress Carol Potter is 64 and Actor Mr. T is 60.

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May 21st is:  American Red Cross Founders Day, End Of The World or Rapture Party Day, I Need A Patch For That Day, World Day For Cultural Diversity For Dialogue And Development, National Endangered Species Day, National Wait Staff Day, Sister Maria Hummel Day and Victoria Day.

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Quip for the day...........Anyone who thinks talk is cheap never argued with a traffic cop.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------ouch.......

A guy is totally suspicious of his fiance, who lives in another state a thousand miles away.  They met online, then got together several times before becoming engaged.  But now she's barely returning his e-mails.

Finally, he decides he's had enough.  He sends her a letter, along with a self-addressed stamped mailer.  The letter says, "I can't marry you.  I don't know who you are anymore.  Please return the ring and that picture of me that I gave you."

A week later he receives the mailer back.  It contains five rings and a dozen photographs of different men, along with a note and a self-addressed stamped mailer.  The note says, "Please pick out your ring and photo, and return the others.  I don't know which one you are anymore."

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In 1761, the first American life insurance policy was issued in Philadelphia to a Rev. Frances Allison, whose premium was six pounds a year.

In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt appeared before Congress to explain his decision to veto a bill that would have allowed World War I veterans to cash in bonus certificates before their 1945 due date.

In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon began a visit to the Soviet Union, during which he and Kremlin leaders signed the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty.

In 1992, after a reign lasting nearly 30 years, Johnny Carson hosted NBC's "Tonight Show" for the last time.

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Today-------Movie reviewer Judith Crist is 90, Singer Charles Aznavour is 88, Actor Michael Constantine is 85, Conductor Peter Nero is 78, Actor-director Richard Benjamin is 74, Actor Frank Converse is 74, Former CNN anchor Bernard Shaw is 72, Actress Barbara Parkins is 70 and Songwriter Bernie Taupin is 62.

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May 22nd is:  International Day For Biological Diversity and National Maritime Day.

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Quip for the day.............The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Rev. Allison started a school up the road a bit from here in New London PA. It later moved and became the parent of UD.