another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------------HAPPY EASTER TO YOU ALL.....

I was just behind a fellow walking out of the church after Easter Sunday services.  The pastor was standing by the door, as always, shaking hands with his parishioners as they exited.

I watched as the preacher grabbed the fellow in front of me by the hand and pulled him aside.  He said to the man, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

The fellow replied, "But, Reverend, I'm already in the Army of the Lord."

The pastor said, "Well, how come I don't see you in church except at Christmas and Easter?"

The man leaned in and whispered to the pastor, "I'm in the secret service!"

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In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Emergency Relief Appropriations Act, which provided money for programs such as the Works Progress Administration.

In 1974, Hank Aaron of the Atlanta Braves hit his 715th career home run in a game against the Los Angeles Dodgers, breaking Babe Ruth's record.

In 1994, Kurt Cobain, singer and guitarist for the grunge band Nirvana, was found dead in Seattle from an apparently self-inflicted gunshot wound; he was 27.

In 2007, Zach Johnson won the Masters with a two-shot victory over Tiger Woods.

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Today------------Comedian Shecky Greene is 86, Former U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan is 74, Basketball Hall-of-Famer John Havlicek is 72, Singer Peggy Lennon is 71, Songwriter-producer Leon Huff is 70, Rock musician Steve Howe is 65, Film-TV director John Madden is 63 and Rock musician Mel Schacher is 61.

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April 8th is:  Buddha Day and Easter.

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Quip for the day...........Success occurs when nobody is watching.  Failure occurs when the boss is watching.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------did I mention Henny?

Take my husband..........please.

I kept nagging him to get the lawn mower fixed and cut the grass.  He always seemed to have something more important to do.  Work on his car.  Clean his guns.  Make beer.  Whatever.

One day I tried to make a point.  When he came home from work, he found me in the lawn, snipping sway at the tall grass with a pair of pinking scissors.

Without saying a word, he disappeared into the garage.  I smiled at the victory I thought I had won.

But after a few minutes he came out and handed me a dirty toothbrush from his tool  box.  He said, "After you're finished with the lawn, why don't you sweep the driveway?"

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In 1865, Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrendered his army to Union General Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House in Virginia.

In 1942, during World War II, American and Philippine defenders on Bataan capitulated to Japanese forces; the surrender was followed by the notorious Bataan Death March, which claimed thousands of lives.

In 1959,  NASA presented its first seven astronauts:  Scott Carpenter, Gordon Cooper, John Glenn, Gus Grissom, Wally Schirra, Alan Shepard and Donald Slayton.

In 1959, Architect Frank Lloyd Wright, 91, died in Phoenix, Arizona.

In 1965, the newly built Astrodome in Houston featured its first baseball game, an exhibition between the Astros and the New York Yankees.  (The Astros won, 2-1, in 12 innings.)

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Today-------Playboy magazine founder Hugh Heffner is 86, Actress Michael Learned is 73 and Country singer Margo Smith is 70.

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April 9th is:  Dyngus Day, National Cherish An Antique Day, National Former Prisoner Of War Recognition Day, Appomattox Day, Easter Monday, White House Easter Egg Roll, Jenkins Ear Day and Winston Churchill Day.

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Quip for the day.......More Henny:  "My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------old, probably a repeat, funny, maybe somebody hasn't seen it.........

A young unmarried woman has twins and makes the decision to give them up for adoption.

One of the baby boys goes to a family in Egypt and he is given the name Amal.

The other goes to a family in Spain, and he is given the name Juan.

Years later, Juan locates his birth mother online and sends a nice picture of himself to her.

The woman, who is married now, is touched by the gesture.  She tells her husband, "I wish I had a picture of Amal, too."

The husband responds, "But, darling, they're twins.  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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In 1790, President George Washington signed into law the first United States Patent Act.

In 1862, Congress passed a resolution offering financial aid to states that agreed to gradually abolish slavery.

In 1866, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals was incorporated.

In 1947, Brooklyn Dodgers president Branch Rickey purchased the contract of Jackie Robinson from the Montreal Royals.

In 1962, Stuart Sutcliffe, the Beatles original bass player, died in Hamburg, West Germany, at age 21.

In 1963, the nuclear-powered submarine USS Thresher sank during deep-diving tests off Cape Cod, MA.  129 lives were lost.

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Today-----------Actress Liz Sheridan is 83, Actor Omar Sharif is 80, Rhythm and Blues singer Bobby Smith (The Spinners) is 76, Reggae artist Bunny Wailer is 65 and Actor Steven Seagal is 61.

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April 10th is:  ASPCA Day, Equal Pay Day, National Be Kind To Lawyers Day, National Farm Animals Day, National Sibling Day, One Day Without Shoes Day, Salvation Army Founders Day and Safety Pin Day.

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Quip for the day............Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down are the ones who got you mad in the first place?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah......

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud.

Walking in the door, which was swinging wide open, he found an overturned sofa and two broken lamps.  The kitchen floor was strewn with dog food and broken glass.

He ran upstairs, fearing the worst.  A whole roll of toilet paper had been pulled out of the wall dispenser in the bathroom.  The bathroom mirror was smeared with toothpaste.

Rushing to the bedroom, he found his wife in bed sipping tea and reading a novel.

Shocked, he asked, "What happened?"

She smiled and replied, "You're always asking me what I do all day.  Well, today, I didn't do it."

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In 1912, Crosley Field, the longtime home of the Cincinnati Reds, had its opening day under the original name, Redland Field.  (The Reds defeated the Cubs, 10-6.)

In 1921, Iowa became the first state to impose a cigarette tax, at 2 cents a package.

In 1945, during World War II, American soldiers liberated the notorious Nazi concentration camp Buchenwald in Germany.

In 1970, Apollo 13, with astronauts James A. Lovell, Fred W. Haise and Jack Swigert, blasted off on it ill-fated mission to the moon.

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Today--------Ethel Kennedy is 84, Actor Joel Grey is 80, Actress Louise Lasser is 73, Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Ellen Goodman is 71, Movie writer-director John Milius is 68, Actor Peter Riegert is 65, Actor Meshach Taylor is 65 and Movie director Carl Franklin is 63.

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April 11th is:  Barbershop Quartet Day, International "Louie-Louie" Day, National Pet Day and World's Parkinson Disease Day.

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Quip for the day..........Before marriage a man yearns for the woman he loves.  After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah........

A cowboy is riding his horse across the prairie when up ahead on the trail he observes an Apache brave lying in a prone position with his ear to the ground.

Knowing that the Apaches have keen ears and are excellent trackers, the cowboy approaches and says, "What's going on?"

The Apache does not move but whispers, "Four white horses pull big covered wagon.  Driver wears blue shirt.  Woman with him wears yellow dress.  Boy in back of wagon holds little brown dog."

The cowboy is amazed.  "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?" he asks.

The Apache replies, "No. Wagon ran me over about half an hour ago."

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In 1861, the American Civil War began as Confederate forces opened fire on Fort Sumter in South Carolina.  (The Union forces holding the fort surrendered the following day.)

In 1877, the catcher's mask was first used in a baseball game by James Tyng of Harvard in a game against the Lynn Live Oaks.

In 1945, President Franklin D. Roosevelt died of a cerebral hemorrhage in Warm Springs, Georgia, at age 63.

In 1961, Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin became the first man to fly in space, orbiting the Earth once before making a safe landing.

In 1981, the space shuttle Columbia blasted off from Cape Canaveral on its first test flight.

In 1981, former world heavyweight boxing champion Joe Louis died in Las Vegas, Nevada, at age 66.

In 1992, after five years in the making, Euro Disneyland opened in Marne-La-Vallee, France, amid controversy as French intellectuals bemoaned the invasion of American pop culture.

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Today-------Actress Jane Withers is 86, Jazz musician Herbie Hancock is 72, Rock singer John Kay (Steppenwolf) is 68, Actor Ed O'Neill is 66, Author Tom Clancy is 65, Actor Dan Lauria is 65, Talk show host David Letterman is 65, Author Scott Turow is 63 and Singer David Cassidy is 62.

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April 12th is:  D.E.A.R. Day (aka Drop Everything And Read), International Day Of Human Space Flight, Licorice Day, Tax Freedom Day, Support Teen Literature Day, Walk On Your Wild Side Day and Day Of Silence.

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Quip for the day-------I busted a mirror the other day.  That's seven years bad luck.  But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------dumb blonde day, I guess........

She was a bit of a ditz, but she had a lot of determination and she worked hard to achieve her goals.

She was a good dancer, for example, and she wanted to be a better one.

She made an appointment and went to the gym, where she asked for information about fitness and conditioning training.  The instructor assured her that the gym could offer positive results, and outlined some of the options.

At one point, the ditz asked, "Can you teach me to do the splits?"

The instructor asked, "How flexible are you?"

The ditz thought for a moment, then said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

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In 1860, the Pony Express completed its inaugural run from St. Joseph, MO, to Sacramento in 10 days.

In 1861, at the start of the Civil War, Ft. Sumter in South Carolina fell to Confederate forces as the Union commander, Maj. Robert Anderson, agreed to surrender in the face of relentless bombardment.

In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt dedicated the Jefferson Memorial.

In 1970, Apollo 13, four-fifths of the way to the moon, was crippled when a tank containing liquid oxygen burst.  (The astronauts managed to return safely.)

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Today-----Actor Lyle Waggoner is 77, Actor Edward Fox is 75, Poet Seamus Heaney is 73, Movie-TV composer Bill Conti is 70, Rock musician Jack Casady is 68, Actor Tony Dow is 67, Singer Al Green is 66, Actor Ron Perlman is 62, Actor William Sadler is 62 and Singer Peabo Bryson is 61.

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April 13th is:  Thomas Jefferson Day and Scrabble Day.

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Quip for the day...........What are the worst six years of a dumb blonde's life?  Third grade.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------pun day........

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing the big international tournament that weekend.

They also went on and on about their own exploits on the chessboard.  Each one of them had many victories to recount in great detail.

After about an hour of this, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" several of them asked at once.

"Because, if there's one thing I can't stand," the manager said, "It's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth during a performance of "Our American Cousin" at Ford's Theatre in Washington.

In 1912, the British liner RMS Titanic collided with an iceberg in the North Atlantic at 11:40 p.m. ship's time and began sinking.  (The ship went under two hours and 40 minutes later with the loss of 1,514 lives.)

In 1981, the first test flight of America's first operational space shuttle, the Columbia, ended successfully with a landing at Edwards Air Force Base in Southern California's Antelope Valley.

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Today------Actor Bradford Dillman is 82, Actress Julie Christie is 72, Retired MLB All-Star Pete Rose is 71, Rock musician Ritchie Blackmore is 67, Actor John Shea is 63 and Country singer Loretta Lynn is 80.

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April 14th is:  Baby Massage Day, Children with Alopecia Day, Dictionary Day, International Moment of Laughter Day and Pan American Day.

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Quip for the day..............A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------yeh it's time.......

Two old actors are sitting on a bench.  An hour goes by.  Nobody says a word.

Finally, one turns to the other and says, "How long has it been since you had a job?"

The other actor doesn't answer for a long time.  It's like he's thinking.  Finally, he turns and says, "Thirty years.  Maybe more."

Another hour goes by.  Nobody says anything.  Finally, the first actor says, "That's nothing.  I haven't had a job in 40 years."

The second actor nods slowly, but doesn't say anything.  Time passes.  Finally, he says, "One of these days we need to get out of this business."

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In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln died, nine hours after being shot the night before by John Wilkes Booth at Ford's Theatre in Washington.  Andrew Johnson became the nation's 17th president.

In 1912, the British luxury liner RMS Titanic sank in the North Atlantic off Newfoundland at 2:20 a.m. ships time, more than 2 1/2 hours after striking an iceberg;  1,514 people died, while less than half as many survived.

In 1947, Jackie Robinson, baseball's first black major league player, made his official debut with the Brooklyn Dodgers on opening day.  The Dodgers defeated the Boston Braves, 5-3.

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Today-------Actor Michael Ansara is 90, Author and politician Jeffrey Archer is 72, rock-singer-guitarist Dave Edmunds is 68, Actor Michael Tucci is 66, Actress Lois Chilis is 65, Writer-producer Linda Bloodworth-Thomasson is 65, Actress Amy Wright is 62, Columnist Heloise is 61 and Country singer Roy Clark is 79.

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April 15th is:  Income Tax Pay Day (observed on the 17th this year), MacDonald's Day, Take a Wild Ride Day and That Sucks Day.

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Quip for the day................Old actors never died, they just drop apart.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------old, still funny......

Back in the day, I was on a business trip down south, and I stopped in this one little town to make a few sales calls.  I decided to get my shoes shined at an outdoor stand in front of a market.  So, I'm sitting there and the shoeshine guy is working away, talking and gossiping a mile a minute.

Pretty soon this little boy walks by and the shoeshine guy whispers to me, "That's the dumbest kid ever.  Watch this."

He calls the boy over and says, "I have a shiny quarter to give you.  Or you can have a dollar instead."

The kid takes the quarter, says thanks, and leaves.

The shoeshine guy busts up laughing.  "See?  What did I tell you?  It happens every time with that kid."

Afterward, I'm walking down the street and I see the kid walking out of the sweet shop with an ice cream cone.  I say, "Hey, kid, why did you take a quarter from that guy when he would have given you a dollar?"

The kid grins at me and says, "The day I take the dollar, the game is over."

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In 1862, during the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill ending slavery in the District of Columbia. And, the Confederacy conscripted all white men between the ages of 18 to 35.

In 1912, American aviator Harriet Quimby became the first woman to fly across the English Channel, traveling from Dover, England, to France in 59 minutes.

In 1935, the radio comedy program "Fibber McGee and Molly" premiered on NBC's Blue Network.

In 1962, Bob Dylan debuted his song "Blowin' in the Wind" at Gerde's Folk City in New York.

In 1962, New Orleans Archbishop Joseph Rummel excommunicated three local Roman Catholics for fighting racial integration of parochial schools.

In 1962, Walter Cronkite succeeded Douglas Edwards as anchorman of "The CBS Evening News."

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Today---------Pope Benedict XVI is 85, Actor Peter Mark Richman is 85, Singer Bobby Vinton is 77, Denmark's Queen Margrethe II is 72, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is 65 and NFL coach Bill Belichick is 60.

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April 16th is:  National Health Care Decisions Day.

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Quip for the day........Doing you own income tax return is a lot like a do-it-yourself mugging.

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Larryj

[Catwoman]

Love it!!!