another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------------play on words time............

The mathematics professor was 45 minutes into his lecture on differential equations, and he was scribbling on the blackboard as fast as he was talking.

In making one especially important point, he turned from the blackboard and scanned the whole assembly of students.  He stopped, mid-sentence, when he noticed that one student in the top row was fast asleep.

Frowning, he rapped on the blackboard with his chalk and shouted, "Williams!  Williams!  Board!"

The student, startled awake, called back, "Yes, sir, very."

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In  1862, during the Civil War, the ironclads USS Monitor and CSS Virginia (formerly USS Merimac) clashed for five hours to a draw at Hampton Roads, VA.

In 1954, CBS newsman Edward R. Murrow critically reviewed Wisconsin Sen. Joseph R. McCarthy's anti-communism campaign on "See It Now."

In 1997, gansta rapper The Notorious B.I.G., whose real name was Christopher Wallace, was killed in a still-unsolved drive-by shooting in Los Angeles; he was 24.

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Today-----------Former New York Sen. James L. Buckley is 89, Singer-actress Keely Smith is 80, Singer Lloyd Price is 79, Actress Joyce Van Patten is 78, Actor-comedian Marty Ingels is 76, Actress Trish Van Devere is 71, Singer Mark Lindsay is 70, Former ABC anchorman Charles Gibson is 69, Rock musician Robin Trower is 67, Singer Jeffrey Osborne is 64, Country musician Jimmie Fadden is 64, Actress Jaime Lyn Bauer is 63 and Country singer Mickey Gilley is 76.

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March 9th is:  Barbie Day, Get Over It Day, Joe Franklin Day, Middle Name Pride Day and Panic Day.

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Quip for the day............Logo on a truck, "We go the extra mile."  Under which someone wrote, "Missed the last exit."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------hah....

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.  Saint Peter is overworked that day and makes a mistake.  He accidentally sends the engineer to Hell.

Well, the engineer is not happy with the level of comfort there.  He begins to design and build upgrades.  Soon, Hell has air conditioning and a swim gym.

One day, God calls Satan and says, "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Great!  That new engineer of ours is amazing."

God:  "What!  You have an engineer?  That's a mistake. Send him to me."

Satan:  "Not a chance."

God:  "Send him back or I'll sue!"

Satan:  "Yeah, right.  And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

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In 1876, the first successful voice transmission over Alexander Graham Bell's telephone took place in Boston as his assistant heard Bell say, "Mr. Watson -- come here -- I want to see you."

In 1880, the Salvation Army arrived in the United States from England.

In 1933, a magnitude 6.4 earthquake centered off Long Beach, CA., resulted in 120 deaths.

In 1969, James Earl Ray pleaded guilty in Memphis, Tennessee, to assassinating civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr.  (Ray later repudiated that plea, maintaining his innocence until his death.)

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Today--------Talk show host Ralph Emery is 79, Bluegrass/country singer-musician Norman Blake is 74, Actor Chuck Norris is 72, Playwright David Rabe is 72, Singer Dean Torrence is 72, Actress Katharine  Houghton is 67 and Rock musician Tom Scholz is 65.

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March 10th is:  Genealogy Day, International Day of Awesomeness, International Fanny Pack Day, Land Line Telephone Day, Mario Day, Salvation Army Day, U.S. Paper Money Day and Women & Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day.......How many roads must a man travel before he admits he's lost?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------Hah...........

Two bored casino dealers are waiting around for someone to try their luck at the craps table.  Suddenly, a very attractive lady in a fur coat approaches and wants to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.  The dealers agree.

The lady removes her fur coat.  She is wearing the skimpiest bikini ever seen.  She rolls the dice and yells, "Mama needs a new set of clothes!"  Then she starts jumping up and down, hugging both of the dealers and screaming, "Yes!  I win!  I win!"

She scoops up her money, all the chips, her fur coat and vanishes.

The dealers just stare at each other, dumbfounded.  Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"  The other answers, "I don't know.  I thought YOU were watching!"

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In 1965, the Rev. James J. Reeb, a white minister from Boston, died after being beaten by whites during civil rights disturbances in Selma, Alabama.

In 1977, more than 130 hostages held in Washington, D.C. by Hanafi Muslims were freed after ambassadors from three Islamic nations joined the negotiations.

In 2011, a magnitude-9.0 earthquake and resulting tsunami struck Japan's northeastern coast, a combined disaster that killed nearly 20,000 people and caused grave damage to the Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear power station in the world's worst nuclear accident since Chernobyl.

In 2011, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker signed a measure to eliminate most union rights for public employees, a proposal which had provoked three weeks of loud, relentless protests.

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Today------------Media Mogul Rupert Murdoch is 81, ABC News correspondent Sam Donaldson is 78, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is 76, Musician Flaco Jimenez is 73, Actress Tricia O'Neil is 67, Actor Mark Metcalf if 66, Rock singer-musician is 65, Singer Bobby McFerrin is 62, Movie director Jerry Zucker is 62 and Actress Susan Richardson is 60.

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March 11th is:  Check Your Batteries Day, Daylight Savings Time Begins, Johnny Appleseed Day, World Plumbing Day and Girl Scout Sunday.

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Quip for the day........You know it's a no frills airline when the pilot asks you to chip in for gas.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------Vocabulary lesson for men.......Things women say...........

Fine:  This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes:  If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.  Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with '"Nothing" usually end in "Fine."

Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

Loud Sigh:  This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks:  A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Whatever:  It's a woman's way of saying FORGET YOU!

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In 1864, Ulysses S. Grant was promoted to the rank of general-in-chief of the Union armies in the Civil War by President Abraham Lincoln.

In 1912, the Girl Scouts of the U.S.A. had its beginnings as Juliette Gordon Lowe of Savannah, Georgia, founded the first American troop of the Girl Guides.

In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt delivered the first of his 30 radio "fireside chats," telling Americans what was being done to deal with the nation's economic crisis.

In 1947, President Harry S. Truman established what became known as the "Truman Doctrine" to help Greece and Turkey resist Communism.

In 1951, "Dennis the Menace," created by cartoonist Hank Ketcham, made its syndicated debut in 16 newspapers.

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Today-------Playwright Edward Albee is 84, Former Atlanta Mayor Andrew Young is 80, Actress Barbara Feldon is 79, Broadcast journalist Lloyd Dobyns is 76, Singer Al Jarreau is 72, Actress-singer Liza Minnelli is 66, Former Massachusetts Gov. Milt Romney is 65, Singer-songwriter James Taylor is 64, Rock singer-musician Bill Payne (Little Feat) is 63 and Actor Jon Provost ("Lassie") is 62.

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March 12th is:  Girl Scout Birthday Day and Napping Day.

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Quip for the day............A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of whole new argument.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------ouch........

Wilhelmina, an attractive society lady new in town, is mingling at the club.  The other ladies are curious about her, so there's a crowd around her when she makes a surprise announcement.

"I'm about to marry for the fourth time!" she says.

Jean:  "How wonderful for you.  Let's hope the fourth time is a charm."
Anne:  "Yes, you've been unlucky in love, my dear."
Wilhelmina:  "Oh, I'm not the one who has been unlucky.  My first husband ate poison mushrooms and died."
Kay:  "How awful.  What about your second husband?"
Wilhelmina:  "He also ate poison mushrooms and died."
Bess:  "How tragic!  I'm almost afraid to ask about your third husband."
Wilhelmina:  "He died of a broken neck."

Other ladies:  "A broken neck!"

Wilhelmina:  "Yes, he wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

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In 1639, New College was renamed Harvard College for clergyman John Harvard.

In 1781, the seventh planet of the solar system, Uranus, was discovered by Sir William Herschel.

In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a measure prohibiting Union military officers from returning fugitive slaves to their owners, effectively superseding the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850.

In 1925, the Tennessee General Assembly approved a bill prohibiting the teaching of the theory of evolution.  (Gov. Austin Peay signed the measure on March 21.)

In 1980, Ford Motor Chairman Henry Ford II announced he was stepping down, the same day a jury in Winamac, IN, found the company not guilty of reckless homicide in the fiery deaths of three young women in a Ford Pinto.

In 1992, the U.S. House of Representatives, trying to weather a politically embarrassing firestorm, voted unanimously to publicly identify 355 current and former members who had overdrawn their accounts at the House bank.

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Today-----------Jazz musician Roy Haynes is 82, Country singer Jan Howard is 82, Songwriter Mike Stoller is 79, singer-songwriter Neil Sedaka is 73 and Actor William H. Macy is 62.

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March 13th is:  Donald Duck Day, Earmuffs Day, Good Samaritan Involvement Day, National Agriculture Day, K-9 Veterans Day, Ken Day, L. Ron Hubbard Day and National Open An Umbrella Indoors Day.

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Quip for the day............Love may be blind............but marriage is a real eye-opener.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------wise.........

The old Navajo chief Two Eagles was asked to share his wisdom and perspective on the American experience.

He thought a long while, then answered, "For many thousands of years this land was managed by the indigenous people who came here first.  There were no taxes and no debt.  Food was plentiful.  There was shelter for all.  The waters were pure and the sky was clean and blue.  Our men and women celebrated each other's company joyously and without hang-ups.  We enjoyed the bountiful healing and exhilarating powers of native plants.  We danced late into the night to the sounds of live music with a good beat.  For many thousands of years we lived this way.  Life was good."

The great chief paused, then spoke again.  "Then the white man arrived.  He has spent the last few hundred years trying to come up with a better system."

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In 1794, Eli Whitney received a patent for his cotton gin, an invention that revolutionized America's cotton industry.

In 1900, Congress ratified the Gold Standard Act.

In 1932, photography pioneer George Eastman, founder of Eastman Kodak Co., died by his own hand at age 77 in Rochester, NY.

In 1962, Democrat Edward M. Kennedy officially launched in Boston his successful candidacy for the U.S. Senate seat from Massachusetts once held by his brother, President John F. Kennedy.  (The late Edward Kennedy served in the Senate for nearly 47 years.

In 1964, a jury in Dallas found Jack Ruby guilty of murdering Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of President John F. Kennedy, and sentenced him to death.  (Both the conviction and death sentence were later overturned, but Ruby died before he could be retried.

In 1967, the body of President John F. Kennedy was moved from a temporary grave to a permanent memorial site at Arlington National Cemetery.

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Today--------------Former astronaut Frank Borman is 84, Actor Michael Caine is 79, Composer-conductor Quincy Jones is 79, Former astronaut Eugene Cernan is 78, Actor Raymond J. Barry is 73, Movie director Wolfgang Petersen is 71, Country singer Michael Martin Murphy is 67, Actor Steve Kanaly is 66 and Comedian Billy Crystal is 64.

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March 14th is:  International Ask A Question Day, MOTH-ER Day, Potato Chip Day, Pi Day and Registered Dietician Day.

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Quip for the day......Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------old, still funny..........

Mickey stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and offers to buy him a drink.  The second patron, a man named Mark, thanks him kindly.

Mickey:  "So where are you from stranger?"
Mark:  "I'm from Ireland."
Mickey:  "You don't say!  I'm from Ireland, too!  Here's to Ireland!"
Mark:  "To Ireland!  What part are you from?"
Mickey:  "Dublin."
Mark:  "Unbelievable.  I'm from Dublin, too!"
Mickey:  "Let's drink to Dublin.  So, what school did you go to?"
Mark:  "St. Mary's.  Class of 1962."
Mickey:  "Impossible!  I went to St. Mary's as well, and I graduated in 1962!"

Just then, one of the regulars walks in and sits down at the bar.  "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," the bartender replies.  "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

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In 44 B.C., Roman dictator Julius Caesar was assassinated by a group of nobles that included Brutus and Cassius.

In 1493, Christopher Columbus returned to Spain, concluding his first voyage to the Western Hemisphere.

In 1919, members of the American Expeditionary Force from World War I convened in Paris for a three-day meeting to found the American Legion.

In 1962, in a speech to Congress, President John F. Kennedy called for legislation protecting consumer's rights.

In 1964, actress Elizabeth Taylor married actor Richard Burton in Montreal; it was her fifth marriage, his second.

In 1972, "The Godfather," Francis Ford Coppola's epic gangster movie based on the Mario Puzo novel and starring Marlon Brando and Al Pacino, premiered in New York.

In 1985, the first Internet domain name, Symbolics.com, was registered by the Symbolics Computer Corp. of Massachusetts.

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Today----------Musician D.J. Fontana is 81, Former astronaut Alan L. Bean is 80, Actor Judd Hirsch is 77, Rock musician Phil Lesh is 72, Singer Mike Love (The Beach Boys) is 71, Rock singer-musician Sly Stone is 69, Rock singer-musician Howard Scott (War, Lowrider Band) is 66 and Rock singer Ry Cooder is 65.

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March 15th is:  Absolutely Incredible Kid Day, Brutus Day, Buzzard's Day, Companies That Care Day, Ides Of March, True Confessions Day and World Consumer Rights Day.

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Quip for the day........Remember "I" before "E"..............except in Budweiser.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------another old, still funny.........

Six fellows are playing in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.  Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue to play standing up.

After awhile, though, Michael O'Conner looks around and says, "Me boys, someone must tell Paddy's wife.  Who will it be?"

They draw straws.  Paul Gallagher picks the short one.  The others tell him to be discreet.

"Discretion is my middle name," Gallagher says.  "Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.  Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.  Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

Murphy's wife:  "Tell him to drop dead."

Gallagher:  "I'll go tell him right now."

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In 1802, President Thomas Jefferson signed a measure authorizing the establishment of the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, NY.

In 1926, rocket science pioneer Robert H. Goddard successfully tested the first liquid-fueled rocket, in Auburn, MA.

In 1968, during the Vietnam War, the My Lai massacre of Vietnamese civilians was carried out by U.S. Army troops; estimates of the death toll vary between 347 and 504.

In 1972, in a nationally broadcast address, President Richard M. Nixon called for a moratorium on court-ordered school busing to achieve racial segregation.

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Today-------------Comedian-director Jerry Lewis is 86, Country singer Ray Walker (The Jordanaires) is 78, Movie director Bernardo Bertolucci is 71, Game show host Chuck Woolery is 71, Country singer Robin Williams is 65, Actor Erik Estrada is 63 and Country singer Ray Benson (Asleep At The Wheel) is 61.

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March 16th is:  Freedom Of Information Day, Goddard Day, Lips Appreciation Day, St. Urlo's Day and Wellderly Day.

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Quip for the day........You can always tell a woman's mood by her hands...........If they are around your throat, she's probably upset.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------St. Patrick's Day Q & A...............

Q:  Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A:  Because they're always a little short.

Q:  How did the Irish jig get started?
A:  Too much drink and not enough restrooms.

Q:  What do you get when two leprechauns have a conversation?
A:  A lot of small talk.

Q:  What's the best thing to add to Irish stew?
A:  A pinch of Gaelic.

Q:  What did the leprechaun say to the elf?
A:  "How's the weather up there?"

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In A.D. 461 (or A.D. 493, depending on sources), St Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, died in Saul, Downpatrick.

In 1762, New York's first St. Patrick's Day parade took place.

In 1776, British forces evacuated Boston during the Revolutionary War.

In 1910, the U.S. National Museum, a precursor to the National Museum of Natural History, opened in Washington, D.C.

In 1912, the Camp Fire Girls organization was incorporated in Washington, D.C., two years to the day after it was founded in Thetford, VT.  (The group is now known as Camp Fire USA.)

In 1950, scientists at the University of California, Berkeley announced they had created a new radioactive element, "californium."

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Today-------Jazz/New Age musician Paul Horn is 82, The former national chairwoman of the NAACP, Myrlie Evers-Williams, is 79, Rock musician Paul Kantner is 71, Singer-songwriter John Sebastian is 68, Actor Patrick Duffy is 63, Actor Kurt Russell is 61 and Country singer Susie Allanson is 60.

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March 17th is:  Campfire Girls Day, International Astrology Day, Corn Dog Day, International Sports Car Racing Day, National Quilting Day and, of course, St. Patrick's Day.

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Quip for the day........You know it's summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Knock ,knock
Who's there?
Irish
Irish who?
Irish you a Happy St.Patrick's Day!