another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----------okay.............

In 1996, I was a charter bus driver for a local travel company.  One day, during a lunch stop, I struck up a conversation with a married couple who were among my passengers.

They decided to test me with a riddle.  They had been married for 40 years, but were just celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary.  Could I guess the explanation?

I laughed.  They had picked the wrong person.  I immediately answered, "You were married on February 29, 1956.  It was a Leap Day, which only happens every four years.  So you have only had ten anniversaries."

They were amazed, until I explained, "I was born on the same day you were married.  That's how I know, because I have only had 10 birthdays!"

We shared a good laugh, then I added, "Please don't tell the others that their bus is being driven by a ten-year-old!"

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In 1940, "Gone With the Wind" won eight Academy Awards, including best picture of 1939; Hattie McDaniel won for best supporting actress, the first black performer so honored.

In 1996, Daniel Green was convicted in Lumberton, N.C., of murdering the father of basketball star Michael Jordan.

In 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson's National Advisory Commission of Civil Disorders (also known as the Kerner Commission) warned that racism was causing America to move "toward two societies, one black, one white --- separate and unequal."

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Today------Actress Michele Morgan is 92, Former All-Star baseball player Al Rosen is 88, Actor Joss Ackland is 84, Actor Alex Rocco is 76, Former space shuttle astronaut Jack Lousma is 76, Actor Dennis Farina is 68 and Actress Phyllis Frelich is 68.

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February 29th is:  Bachelor's Day, International Underlings Day and Leap Year Day.

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Quip for the day..............What kind of Doctor fixes websites?  A URLogist.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------ouch.........

The henpecked husband was encouraged by his psychiatrist to be more assertive.  "Stop letting your wife bully you," the doctor said.

The man went home, slammed the door and announced in a loud voice, "See here, from now on I am in charge of this household.  You will be taking your directions from me.  I don't want any back talk or arguments about anything.  A new era dawns right now.  In fact, I am going out on the town tonight and I am going alone.  I am wearing my best tuxedo, and I'll let you guess who is going to help me put it on."

The wife said, "The undertaker?"

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In 1932, Charles A. Lindbergh Jr., the 20-month-old son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh, was kidnapped from the family home near Hopewell, N.J.  (Remains identified as those of the child were found the following May.)

In 1962, an American Airlines Boeing 707 on a scheduled flight to Los Angeles crashed after taking off from New York's Idlewild Airport, killing all 95 people on board.

In 1962, the first Kmart store opened in Garden City, Michigan.

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Today------Actor Robert Clary is 86, Singer Harry Belafonte is 85, Former U.S. Solicitor General Robert H. Bork is 85, Actor Robert Conrad is 77, Rock singer Mike D'Abo (Manfred Mann) is 68, Rock singer Roger Daltrey is 68, Actor Dirk Benedict is 67 and Actor Alan Thicke is 65.

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March 1st is:  Asiatic Fleet Memorial Day, National Horse Protection Day, Peace Corps Day, Pig Day, Plan A Solo Vacation Day, Retired, Not Retired Day, Witch Hysteria Day, World Book Day and World Compliment Day.

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Quip for the day.........It is no coincidence that man's best friend can't talk.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------wise........

Well, that Abraham Lincoln did have a certain way with words, didn't he?  And he had a good head on his shoulders, too.

The 16th president once was taken to task by a member of his staff, who complained that Lincoln was far too accommodating to his critics and detractors.

"You're the president," the aide said.  "Why do you try to make friends of your enemies?  You should do your best to destroy them."

Lincoln replied gently, with a smile, "Now, hold on.  Am I not, in fact, destroying my enemies when I make them my friends?"

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In 1917, Puerto Ricans were granted U.S. citizenship as President Woodrow Wilson signed the Jones-Shafroth Act.

In 1962, Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points for the Philadelphia Warriors in a game against the New York Knicks, an NBA record that still stands.  (Philadelphia won, 169-147.)

In 1972, the United States launched the Pioneer 10 space probe, which flew past Jupiter in late 1973, sending back images and scientific data.

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Today------------Actor John Cullum is 82, Author Tom Wolfe is 82, Actress Barbara Luna is 73, Actor Jon Finch is 71, Author John Irving is 70, Singer Lou Reed is 70, Actress Cassie Yates is 61 and Actress Lorraine Newman is 60.

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March 2nd is:  Dress In Blue Day, Dr. Seuss Day, Employee Appreciation Day and NEA's Read Across America Day.

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Quip for the day.......WARNING!!!  There's a new computer virus called the Disney Virus.........makes your computer go Goofy.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------Hah..........

The handsome young husband and his much older, much richer wife are dining at their favorite restaurant.

At one point, another handsome young man walks into the restaurant, spots the woman, stops to say hello, then kisses her on the mouth before leaving.

The shocked husband says, "Who was that?"

His wife replies, "My yoga instructor."

The husband, angry, says, "You take me for a fool.  I know you are seeing other men.  I want a divorce."

She puts down her wine glass and replies, "OK, but that will mean no more vacations for you at our condo in Hawaii, no more ski trips to Aspen, no more house in Malibu, no more Jaguar in the garage, no more yacht at the marina.  You decide."

Just then, a mutual acquaintance enters the restaurant.  She is accompanied by a much younger man.

The husband asks, "Who's that man with Alexandria?"

The wife replies, "That's her yoga instructor."

The husband says, "Ours is better looking."

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In 1887, Anne Sullivan arrived at the Tuscumbia, Alabama, home of Captain and Mrs. Arthur H. Keller to become the teacher for their blind and deaf 6-year-old daughter, Helen.

In 1923, Time magazine, founded by Briton Hadden and Henry R. Luce, made its debut.

In 1931, President Hoover signed a congressional resolution making "The Star-Spangled Banner" the national anthem of the United States.

In 1969, Apollo 9 blasted off from Cape Kennedy on a mission to test the lunar module.

In 1991, motorist Rodney King was severely beaten by Los Angeles police officers in a scene captured on amateur video.

In 1991, twenty-five people were killed when a United Airlines Boeing 737-200 crashed while approaching the Colorado Springs airport.

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Today-----Bluegrass singer-musician Doc Watson is 89, Movie producer-director George Miller is 67, Actress Hattie Winston is 67, Singer Jennifer Warnes is 65 and Actor-director Tim Kazurinsky is 62.

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March 3rd is:  International Sister Cities Day, I Want You To Be Happy Day, National Anthem Day and What If Cats And Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day.

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Quip for the day..........The worst possible moment for an atheist is when he feels grateful........and has no one to thank.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------HELP ME!  I'm having a Warph moment............

I'm working on the best golf book ever.  Here's the table of contents so far.  It gives you an idea.

Chapter 1 -- How To Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt.
Chapter 2 -- How To Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee.
Chapter 3 -- How To Get More Distance Off The Shank.
Chapter 4 -- How To Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go In The Water.
Chapter 5 -- Appropriate Things To Say To The Foursome That Plays Through Your Twosome.
Chapter 6 -- How To Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off The Tee.
Chapter 7 -- How To Properly Grip Your Ball Retriever.
Chapter 8 -- The Power Of Prayer.
Chapter 9 -- The Consolations Of Drink.

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In 1789, the Constitution of the United States went into effect as the first Federal Congress met in New York.  (The lawmakers then adjourned for lack of a quorum.)

In 1861, Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated as the 16th president of the United States.

In 1861, the U.S. Government Printing Office began operation.

In 1861, the Confederate States of America adopted as its flag the original version of the Stars and Bars.

In 1930, Coolidge Dam in Arizona was dedicated by its namesake, former President Calvin Coolidge.

In 1940, Kings Canyon National Park in California was established.

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Today--------Actress Paula Prentiss is 74, Movie Director Adrian Lyne is 71, Singer Bobby Womack is 68, Rock musician Chris Squire is 64, Singer Shakin' Stevens is 64, Author James Ellroy is 64, Singer Chris Rea is 61 and Actor Ronn Moss is 60.

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March 4th is:  Benjamin Harrison Day, Courageous Follower Day, Daughters' and Sons' Day, Iditarod, International Scrapbooking Day, March Forth-Do Something Day, National Grammar Day, Old Inauguration Day and Toy Soldier Day.

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Quip for the day.......What is the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?  The hunter lies in wait.  The fisherman waits and lies.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Will your book have a page or two about how to whack the kid with the air horn with your ball retriever and get away with it?

[larryJ]

Today's------------big ouch............

The woman marched brusquely into the china shop and confronted the sales assistant.

"I've just broken a large set of heavy dinner plates over my husband's head," she announced, "and now I must buy another large set to replace them."

"Good heavens!" the wide-eyed attendant exclaimed.  "Did you kill him?"

"Of course I didn't kill him, you fool!" the woman snapped.  "If I had, I wouldn't need another set of plates for the next time, now would I?"

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In 1770, the Boston Massacre took place as British soldiers opened fire of a violent mob of colonists, killing five people.

In 1946, Winston Churchill delivered his "Iron Curtain" speech at Westminster College in Fulton, Missouri.

In 1982, comedian John Belushi was found dead of a drug overdose in a rented bungalow in Hollywood; he was 33.

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Today-------Actor James Noble is 90, Actor James B. Sikking is 78, Actor Dean Stockwell is 76, Actor Fred Williamson is 74, Actress Samantha Eggar is 73, Actor Michael Warren is 66, Actor Eddie Hodges is 65, Singer Eddy Grant is 64 and Rock musician Alan Clark (Dire Straits) is 60.

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March 5th is:  Casimir Pulaski Day, Fun Facts About Names Day and Saint Piran's Day.

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Quip for the day............When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------hah............

The young lady belonged to a very wealthy family, and the young man was poor but honest.  She liked him as a friend, but that was all, and he knew it.

One evening he said, "You are very rich."

She replied, "Yes, I am worth about $200 million."

He:  "Will you marry me?"

She:  "No."

He:  "I thought you wouldn't."

She:  "Then why did you ask me?"

He:  "I just wanted to see what it feels like to lose $200 million."

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In 1836, the Alamo in San Antonio fell to Mexican forces after a 13-day siege.

In 1857, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in Dred Scott vs. Sandford that Scott, a slave, was not an American citizen and could not sue for his freedom in federal court.

In 1902, Congress passed a measure creating a Census Office in the Department of the Interior.  (The office was moved to the Department of Commerce and Labor the following year.)

In 1912, Oreo sandwich cookies (originally called "biscuits) were introduced by Nabisco.

In 1944, U.S. heavy bombers staged the first full-scale American raid on Berlin during World War II.

In 1967, the daughter of Josef Stalin, Svetlana Alliluyeva, appeared at the U.S. Embassy in New Delhi and declared her intention to defect to the West.

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Today------------Orchestra conductor Julius Rudel is 91, Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is 86, Author Gabriel Garcia Marquez is 85, Soviet cosmonaut Valentina Tereshkova is 75, Country singer Doug Dillard is 75, Actress-writer Joanna Miles is 72, Actor Ben Murphy is 70, Singer Mary Wilson (The Supremes) is 68, Actress Anna Maria Horsford is 65, Actor-director Rob Reiner is 65 and Singer Kiki Dee is 65.

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March 6th is:  Namesake Day, Peace Corp Birthday, Unique Names Day and U.S. Snowshoe Day.

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Quip for the day........I gave my wife a mood ring the other day.  When she is in a good mood, it turns green.  When she is in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------another "hah".......

Did you hear about the shipyard worker whose wife had a baby?

One day, not long after the birth, the young mother said to he husband, "I suppose we must look into arrangements for having the baby christened."  She was surprised when he appeared absolutely horror-stricken.

"What's wrong?" she asked him.

The dock worker replied, "You mean to say you would let somebody hit our little baby over the head with a bottle?"

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In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell received a patent for his telephone.

In 1960, Jack Paar returned as host of NBC's "Tonight Show" nearly a month after walking off in a censorship dispute with the network.

In 1965, a march by civil rights demonstrators was broken up in Selma, Alabama, by state troopers and a sheriff's posse.

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Today--------Photographer Lord Snowden is 82, TV personality Willard Scott is 78, Auto racer Janet Guthrie is 74, Actor Daniel J. Travanti is 72, Former Walt Disney Co. chief executive officer Michael Eisner is 70, Rock musician Chris White is 69, Actor John Heard is 66, Rock singer Peter Wolf is 66, Rock musician Matthew Fisher is 66, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Franco Harris is 62, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Lynn Swann is 60 and R&B singer Ernie Isley is 60.

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March 7th is:  Learn What Your Name Means Day, National Be Heard Day, World Maths Day and Cereal Day.

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Quip for the day.........A sign you have grown up.......You keep more food in the fridge than beer.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------so true......

A senior woman is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar and asks for scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink The woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water."  "Comin' right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue!!"

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In 1782, the Gnadenhutten massacre took place as more than 90 Indians were slain by militiamen in Ohio in retaliation for raids carried out by other Indians.

In 1862, during the Civil War, the ironclad CSS Virginia rammed and sank the USS Cumberland and heavily damaged the USS Congress, both frigates, off Newport News, VA.

In 1965, the United States landed its first combat troops in South Vietnam as 3,500 Marines were brought in to defend the U.S air base at Da Nang.

In 1971, Joe Frazier defeated Muhammad Ali by decision in what was billed as "The Fight of the Century" at Madison Square Garden in New York.

In 1971, silent film star Harold Lloyd died in Beverly Hills at age 77.

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Today-------Actress Sue Ann Langdon is 76, Baseball player-turned-author Jim Bouton is 73, Songwriter Carole Bayer Sager is 68, Singer-musician Randy Meisner is 66, Pop singer Peggy March is 64 and Actor-director Mickey Dolenz is 67.

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March 8th is:  Day For Women's Rights and International Peace, Girl's Write Now Day, International Women's Day, International Working Women's Day, Name Tag Day, National Proof Reading Day, National Agriculture Day, National Peanut Cluster Day, Organize Your Office Day, Purim and World Kidney Day.

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Quip for the day.......No matter how hard you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

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Larryj