another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------------another "kids......."

Miss Pricklethorn, the teacher, discovered one of her first-graders, Tommy, making faces during recess.

"Tommy!" she admonished him.  "Don't you know that if you make ugly faces like that, your face will freeze that way, and you'll look like that forever!"

Tommy was shocked.  "Really?" he said.

"Yes, really," the teacher said, turning to leave.

Tommy:  "Miss Pricklethorn?"

Teacher, turning back, "Yes?"

Tommy:  "Is that what happened to you?"

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In 1792, President George Washington signed an act creating the U.S. Post Office.

In 1809, the Supreme Court ruled that no state legislature could annul the judgements or determine the jurisdiction of federal courts.

In 1907, President Theodore Roosevelt signed an immigration act which excluded "idiots, imbeciles, feeble minded persons, epileptics, insane persons" from being admitted to the United States.

In 1944, during World War II, U.S. bombers began raiding German aircraft manufacturing centers in a series of attacks that became known as "Big Week."

In 1962, astronaut John Glenn became the first American to orbit the Earth as he flew aboard Project Mercury's Friendship 7 spacecraft.

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Today----------Fashion designer Gloria Vanderbilt is 88, Actor Sidney Poitier is 85, Racing Hall-of-Famer Bobby Unser is 78, Racing Hall-of-Famer Roger Penske is 75, Singer-songwriter Buffy Sainte-Marie is 71, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Phil Esposito is 70, Movie director Mike Leigh is 69, Actor Peter Strauss is 65, Singer-musician-producer Walter Becker (Steely Dan) is 62, Actor John Voldstad is 61 and Actress Sandy Duncan is 66.

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February 20th is:  Northern Hemisphere Hoodie-Hoo Day, President's Day and World Day For Social Justice.

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Quip for the day............Whenever I look for something, it's always in the last place I look.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------more "kids".............

That Devon!  He must have been born full of jumping beans.  He always seemed to be running around causing mischief.

Finally, one day, when he was acting up even more that usual, his exasperated mother asked him, "Devon, how do you expect to get into Heaven, as naughty as you are?"

Devon stopped and thought about it for a moment.  Then he said, "Well, I guess I'll just run in and out, and in and out, and I'll slam the door each time, until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Devon, come in or stay out!'  Then I'll march right in."

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In 1862, Nathaniel Gordon, captured at sea with nearly 900 Africans aboard his ship, the Erie, became the first and only American slave trader to be executed under the U.S. Piracy Law of 1820 as he was hanged in New York.

In 1885, the Washington Monument was dedicated.

In 1912, the Great Fifth Ward Fire broke out in Houston, Texas; although property losses topped $3 million, no one was killed in the blaze.

In 1945, during the World War II Battle of Iwo Jima, the escort carrier USS Bismarck Sea was sunk by kamikazes with the loss of 318 men.

In 1965, black Muslim leader and civil rights activist Malcolm X, 39, was shot to death inside the Audubon Ballroom in New York by assassins identified as members of the Nation of Islam.

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Today---------Movie director Bob Rafelson is 79, Actor-director Richard Beymer is 73, Actor Alan Rickman is 66, Actress Tyne Daly is 66, Actor Anthony Daniels is 66 and Tricia Nixon Cox is 66.

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February 21st is:  Pancake Day aka Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras, Paczki Day and Shrove Tuesday.

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Quip for the day................There are three kinds of people........those who can count and those who can't.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------old, funny.........

I would like to share a sobering experience about drinking and driving that hopefully will prove instructive to others.

Many of us have been careless on occasion at this or that social function, and have taken chances when it comes to driving afterward.

Let me tell you my story.

A couple of nights ago I was out for the evening with some reunited friends and we had a few too many drinks.  It started with a cocktail, then there was wine and champagne with dinner, followed by another cocktail or two afterward.

Knowing full well I was over the legal limit for driving, I made a decision, and I took a bus home.

I arrived safely and without incident.

It was a real relief, let me tell you, because I had never driven a bus before.

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In 1732, the first president of the United States, George Washington, was born in Westmoreland County in the Virginia Colony.

In 1862, Jefferson Davis, already the provisional president of the Confederacy, was inaugurated for six-year term following his election in November 1861.

In 1865, Tennessee adopted a new constitution that included the abolition of slavery.

In 1909, the Great White Fleet, a naval task force sent on a round-the-world voyage by President Theodore Roosevelt, returned after more than a year at sea.

In 1935, it became illegal for airplanes to fly over the White House.

In 1959, the inaugural Daytona 500 race was held; although Johnny Beauchamp was initially declare the winner, the victory was later awarded to Lee Petty.

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Today-----------Announcer Don Pardo is 94, Actor Paul Dooley is 84, Hollywood "ghost-singer" Marni Nixon is 82, Movie director Jonathan Demme is 68, Actor John Ashton is 64, Actress Miou-Miou is 62, Actress Julie Walters is 62, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Julius Erving is 62 and Actress Ellen Greene is 61.

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February 22nd is:  Ash Wednesday, Lent, Woolworth's Day, World Thinking Day, George Washington's Birthday, National Margarita Day and Inconvenience Yourself Day.

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Quip for the day............My brother was so ugly my mom had to tie pork chops to his ears so the dog would play with him.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------ouch.........

The CEO of a small company was a bit of a pushover.  He was quiet and mild-mannered, and his employees took advantage of that fact.  They felt comfortable speaking up and saying what was on their minds around him.

In his opinion, they talked back a little more than he liked.  He would never say so, in public, but privately he felt he deserved more respect.

One day he quietly added a sign outside his office door that read, "I AM THE BOSS!"

When discovered, the sign provoked a few raised eyebrows and even a little giggling among the staff.

Next day, the CEO arrived at work to discover that someone had added a Post-It note to his new sign.  It said:

"Your wife called.  She wants her sign back!"

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In 1836, the siege of the Alamo began in San Antonio, Texas.

In 1848, the sixth president of the United States, John Quincy Adams, died in Washington, D.C., at age 80.

In 1861, President-elect Abraham Lincoln arrived secretly in Washington to take office, following word of a possible assassination plot in Baltimore.

In 1942, the first shelling of the U.S. mainland during World War II occurred as a Japanese submarine fired on an oil refinery near Santa Barbara, CA., causing little damage.

In 1945, during World War II, U.S. Marines on Iwo Jima captured Mount Suribachi.

In 1954, the first mass inoculation of children against polio with the Salk vaccine began in Pittsburgh.

In 1965, film comedian Stan Laurel, 74, died in Santa Monica, CA.

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Today---------Actor Peter Fonda is 72, Pro and College Hall-of-Famer Fred Biletnikoff is 69, Author John Sandford is 68, Singer-musician Johnny Winter is 68, Country-rock musician Rusty Young is 66, Actress Patricia Richardson is 61 and Rock musician Brad Whitford (Aerosmith) is 60.

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February 23rd is:  Curling Is Cool Day, Diesel Engine Day, Iwo Jima Day, Introduce A Girl To Engineering Day and National Chili Day.

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Quip for the day.........When she saw her first strand of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------uh oh........

It was men's night at group counseling.  They went around the circle and each one of the guys had a chance to talk, to vent, to say his piece, speak his mind, sound off, unburden himself and get things off his chest.

When it was his turn, William said, "You know what really bugs me more than anything?  It's the way my wife keeps talking about her first husband."

On the other side of the circle, Robert piped up, "You think that's bad?  My wife keeps talking about her next husband!"

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Today------------Actor Stephen Hill is 90, Actor-singer Dominic Ghianese is 81, Movie composer Michel Legrand is 80, Actor Barry Bostwick 67, Actor Edward James Olmos is 65, Singer-writer-producer Rupert Holmes is 65, Rock musician George Thorogood is 62, Actress Debra Jo Rupp is 61, Actress Helen Shaver is 61 and Actor Abe Vigoda is 91.

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In 1912, the American Jewish women's organization Hadassah was founded in New York City.

In 1961, the Federal Communications Commission authorized the nation's first full-scale trial of pay television in Hartford, Connecticut.

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February 24th is:  National Trading Card Day.

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Quip for the day.............How ironic would it be if someone choked to death on a Lifesaver?

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

As far as the quip....Supposedly as a sales gimmick, life savers have that hole in them so one cannot choke. A bit of a double entendre.

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah.........

A woman was on trial for the murder of her husband.  The case was air-tight.

Seemingly.

But when it became time for the jury to deliberate, they were out for hours.  Then days.  Finally, they returned with a verdict.

Not guilty.

Everyone gasped.

Afterward, reporters quizzed jury members and learned that the acquittal was due to the stubborn efforts of one little old lady on the jury.

When pressed for an explanation, the little old lady said, "Well, I suppose I felt sorry for her.  After all, she's a widow, you know."

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In 1836, Samuel Colt patented his revolver.

In 1901, United States Steel Corp. was incorporated by J.P. Morgan.

In 1913, the 16th Amendment to the Constitution, giving Congress the power to levy and collect income taxes, was declared in effect by Secretary of State Philander Chase Knox.

In 1950, "Your Show of Shows," starring Sid Caesar, Imogene Coca, Carl Reiner and Howard Morris, debuted on NBC-TV.

In 1964, Cassius Clay (later Muhammad Ali) became world heavyweight champion by defeating Sonny Liston in Miami Beach.

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Today------------Country singer Ralph Stanley is 85, Actor Tom Courtenay is 75, CBS Newsman Bob Schieffer is 75, Actress Diane Baker is 74, Actress Karen Grassle is 70, Humorist Jack Handley is 63 and Movie director Neil Jordan is 62.

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February 25th is:  American Birkenbeider Race Day, International Sword Swallower's Day and Open That Bottle Night.

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Quip for the day............I work for myself, which is great, except for when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------third grader, but I had to think for a minute............

After the flood waters had subsided, and Noah had seen the last of his animal passengers onto dry land, he made a tour of the Ark and came across two snakes crying in the corner.

"What do we have here?" he said.  "Why are you crying, little snakes?"

Sobbed one of them, "Because you won't let us off the boat."

Noah:  "Whatever do you mean?"

Snake:  "You told all the creatures to go forth and multiply."

Noah:  "So why don't you do it?"

Snake:  (here it comes.)

(wait for it.)

(are you ready?)


Snake:  "BECAUSE WE'RE ADDERS!"

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In 1861. Vassar College in Poughkeepsie, NY., received its initial funding form its namesake, businessman Matthew Vassar.

In 1919, President Wilson signed a measure establishing Grand Canyon National Park in Arizona.

In 1962, after becoming the first American to orbit the Earth, astronaut John Glenn told a joint meeting of Congress, "Exploration and the pursuit of knowledge have always paid dividends in the long run."

In 1970, National Public Radio was incorporated.

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Today-------------Singer Fats Domino is 84, Country-rock musician Paul Cotton (Poco) is 69, Actor-director Bill Duke is 69, Singer Mitch Ryder is 67 and rock musician Jonathan Cain (Journey) is 62.

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February 26th is:  National Personal Chef's Day, Levi Strauss Day, Academy Awards Night and For Pete's Sake Day.

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Quip for the day..............If sponges in the oceans didn't exist, they would be deeper.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------love this one............

The new commander was familiarizing himself with the camp's water supply.  He asked the sergeant to brief him on what steps were being taken to guard against contamination.

"Well, sir," the sergeant said, "First, we boil it."

"Well done," the commander said, nodding.

"Then we filter it," the sergeant added.

"Very good," the commander replied, again nodding his approval.

The sergeant went on, "And then, just to be on the safe side, we drink beer."

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In 1911, inventor Charles F. Kettering demonstrated his electric automobile starter in Detroit by starting a Cadillac's motor with just the press of a switch, instead of hand-cranking.

In 1922, the Supreme Court, in Leser v. Garnett, unanimously upheld the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, which guaranteed the right of women to vote.

In 1951, the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, limiting a president to two terms of office, was ratified.

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Today---------Actress Joanne Woodward is 82, Consumer advocate Ralph Nader is 78, Actor Howard Hesseman is 72 and Actress Debra Monk is 63.

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February 27th is:  Orthodox Green Monday, Orthodox Lent Begins and Punch The Clock Day.

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Quip for the day............Did you hear about the depressed dyslexic?  He threw himself behind the bus.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------smart man.........

The pastor of a small-town church was walking home one evening, after working late, and he came upon one of his parishioners staggering back and forth along the sidewalk.

"Let me help you home, Mickey," the minister said, placing an arm around the inebriated fellow and guiding him to his house a block away.

At the door, poor Mickey pleaded with his benefactor to step inside for a moment, but the reverend demurred on the grounds that it was late.

"Please, just for one second," Mickey begged.  "I want the missus to see who I've been out with tonight!"

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In 1993, a gun battle erupted at a compound near Waco, Texas, when Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms agents tried to serve warrants on the Branch Davidians; four agents and six Davidians were killed as a 51-day standoff began.

In 1997, in North Hollywood, CA., two heavily armed and armored robbers bungled a bank heist and came out firing, unleashing their arsenal on police, bystanders, cars and TV choppers before they were killed.

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Today--------Producer Saul Zaentz is 91, Actor Charles Durning is 89, Actor Gavin MacLeod is 81, Actor Don Francks is 80, Actor-director-dancer Tommy Tune is 73, Hall-of-Fame Auto racer Mario Andretti is 72, Actress Kelly Bishop is 68, Actress Stephanie Beacham is 65, Actress Mercedes Ruehl is 64, Actress Bernadette Peters is 64 and Actress Ilene Graff is 63.

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February 28th is:  Floral Design Day, International Pancake Day, National Tooth Fairy Day, Rare Disease Day and Spay Day USA.

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Quip for the day.......You know you're getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again.

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Larryj