another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----wow...

The married city couple went on a trip to the countryside to see if they could sort things out between them.  It started out well, but there was a lot of bickering, too.  As usual.

As they walked one day on an old farm road, they came upon a wishing well.

"I want to take a picture," the wife said.

"Whatever," the husband said.

The woman took the picture, then fished a coin out of her pocket and tossed it into the well.  She smiled and said, "I made a little wish for us."

The man was touched.  He remembered all the good times they had shared.  He dug into his pocket for a coin, so that he could make a wish, too.

Then he stumbled and fell into the well.  It took a long time for him to hit bottom.  There was silence.

The wife said, "Wow, it really works!"

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In 1809, Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president of the United States, was born in present-day Larue County, KY.

In 1908, the first round-the-world automobile race began in New York.  (It ended in Paris the following July with the drivers of the American car, a Thomas Flyer, declared the winners over teams from Germany and Italy.)

In 1909, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People was founded.

In 1940, the radio play "The Adventures of Superman" debuted with Bud Collyer as the Man of Steel.

In 1942, painter Grant Wood, creator of "American Gothic," died in Iowa City, Iowa, a day before his 51st birthday.

In 1999, the Senate voted to acquit President Bill Clinton of perjury and obstruction of justice.

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Today--------Movie director Franco Zeffirelli is 89, Baseball Hall-of-Fame sportscaster Joe Garagiola is 86, Former Sen. Arlen Specter, D-PA., is 82, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bill Russell is 78, Actor Joe Don Baker is 76, Author Judy Blume is 74, Rock musician-producer Ray Manzarek is 73, Country singer Moe Bandy is 68, Actor Cliff DeYoung is 66, Actor Michael Ironside is 62, Rock musician Steve Hackett is 62, Rock singer Michael McDonald is 60 and Actress Maud Adams is 67.

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February 12th is:  Darwin Day, Lincoln's Birthday, NAACP Day, Oglethorpe Day, Paul Bunyan Day, Safety Pup Day and World Marriage Day.

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Quip for the day.............We are born naked, wet and hungry.......and then things get worse.

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Larryj

[W. Gray]

From Larry's post above:

"In 1940, the radio play "The Adventures of Superman" debuted with Bud Collyer as the Man of Steel."

Some of you old timers might remember Bud Collyer as the host of "Beat the Clock," a stunt game show in the 1950s in which the couple contestants had a certain amount of seconds to complete their task at hand. Sometimes the stunts were really messy involving cream pies, cakes, etc.

[larryJ]

Today's-----------blonde joke.......

A man is driving down the highway and sees a rabbit in the road ahead.  He slams on his brakes and swerves to miss the rabbit, but the rabbit runs right in front of him and gets hit by the car.

The man, being considerate and an animal lover, gets out of the car to see about the rabbit.  Unfortunately, the rabbit is dead.

Along comes a blonde and sees the man sitting on the side of the road, crying and moaning.

She asks, "What is the matter?"

He says, "I hit this poor rabbit and now he is dead and I feel terrible about it."

"I think I can help," says the blonde and goes to the trunk of her car and pulls out a spray can.  She walks over to the rabbit and sprays it from head to toe.  Amazingly, the rabbit jumps up and looks at the two and waves, then runs off about 50 yards, stops and waves again, and then a little bit farther, he stops and waves again.

The man says, "That is wonderful!  What is in that can that can perform such miracles?"

The blonde hands him the can and says, "Just read the label."

(Here comes the punch line.)

(Are you ready?)




(Are you sure?)

"XYZ Hairspray...............restores dead hair............creates permanent wave."

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In 1861, Abraham Lincoln was officially declared winner of the 1860 presidential election as electors cast their ballots.

In 1935, a jury in Flemington, NJ, found Bruno Richard Hauptmann guilty of first-degree murder in the kidnap-slaying of the son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh.  (Hauptmann was later executed.)

In 1991, during Operation Desert Storm, allied warplanes destroyed an underground shelter in Baghdad that had been identified as a military command center; Iraqi officials said 500 civilians were killed.

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Today----------Former test pilot Charles E. "Chuck" Yeager is 89, Actress Kim Novak is 79, Actor George Segal is 78, Actress Carol Lynley is 70, Singer-musician Peter Tork (The Monkees) is 70, Actress Stockard Channing is 68, Talk show host Jerry Springer is 68, Actor Bo Svenson is 68, Singer Peter Gabriel is 62 and Actor David Naughton is 61.

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February 13th is:  Employee Legal Awareness Day, Get A Different Name Day, Madly In Love With Me Day and Clean Out Your Computer Day.

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Quip for the day......If a man stands in the forest and speaks to himself with no woman around..........is he still wrong?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's.........kid got an A in math......


A little boy attended his first wedding.   He paid close attention and seemed quite interested with the proceedings.  Afterward, his father said to him, "You seemed to enjoy it.  That's good.  You'll have one of your own someday."

Boy:  "I'm going to have 16 of them!"

Father, laughing, "Sixteen!  How many women do you think you can marry?"

Boy:  "The preacher said 16."

Father:  "He did not!"

Boy:  "Yes he did.  I added it up.  He said:  4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer and 4 poorer."

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In 1778, the American ship Ranger carried the recently adopted Stars and Stripes to a foreign port for the first time as it arrived in France.

In 1903, the Department of Commerce and Labor was established.  (It was divided into separate departments of Commerce and Labor in 1913.)

In 1912, Arizona became the 48th state of the Union as President William Howard Taft signed a proclamation.

In 1920, the League of Women Voters was founded in Chicago; its first president was Maud Wood Park.

In 1929, the "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" took place in a Chicago garage as seven rivals of Al Capone's gang were gunned down.

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Today------TV personality Hugh Downs is 91, Actress-singer Florence Henderson is 78, Actor Andrew Prine is 76, Country singer Razzy Bailey is 73, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is 70, Jazz musician Maceo Parker is 69, Movie director Alan Parker is 68, Journalist Carl Bernstein is 68, TV personality Pat O'Brien is 64 and Magician Teller (Penn and Teller) is 64.

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February 14th is:  Extraterrestrial Culture Day, Pet Theft Awareness Day, Ferris Wheel Day, Library Lover's Day, Frederick Douglas Day, National Have A Heart Day, National Condom Day, (Worlds) Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day, League Of Women Voter's Day, National Women's Heart Day, National Call In Single Day, Race Relations Day, National Donor Day, Quirky Alone Day, World Marriage Day and Valentines Day.

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Quip for the day...........A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it and lucky enough to survive.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------old, funny..........

Joe answers the phone.  It's his doctor.

Joe:  "Well, hello, doctor.  What's going on?"

Doctor:  "Joe, your test results are back, and I'm afraid I have bad news.........and worse news."

Joe:  "Oh, dear."

Doctor:  You had better sit down."

Joe:  "OK."

Doctor:  "I'm so sorry, Joe.  The bad news is that the tests indicate you only have 24 hours to live."

Joe:  "I........I don't know what to say.  And there's news that's even worse?  What could be more terrible than that?"

Doctor:  "Well, I couldn't reach you yesterday."

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In 1898, the U.S. battleship Maine mysteriously blew up in Havana Harbor, killing more than 260 crew members and bringing the United States closer to war with Spain.

In 1933, President-elect Franklin D. Roosevelt escaped an assassination attempt in Miami that mortally wounded Chicago Mayor Anton J. Cermak.

In 1992, a Milwaukee jury found that Jeffrey Dalmer was sane when he killed and mutilated 15 men and boys.

In 2002, Broadcast journalist Howard K. Smith died in Bethesda, MD., at age 87.

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Today----------Actor Allan Arbus is 94, Former Defense and Energy Secretary James Schlesinger is 83, Actress Claire Bloom is 81, Author Susan Brownmiller is 77, Songwriter Brian Holland is 71, Rock musician Mick Avory is 68, Singer Melissa Manchester is 61, and Actress Jane Seymour is 61.

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February 15th is:  Lupercalia, Remember The Maine Day, Susan B. Anthony Day and National Gum Drop Day.

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Quip for the day.........I earn a seven figure salary............unfortunately, there's a decimal involved.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------kids...........

For our daughter's 7th birthday we bought her a tropical fish.  We also got her the tank, the pump, the little rocks, the fake treasure chest and all those other aquarium props.  Basically, we got the works.  We even got her a user's manual and a two-month supply of fish food.

Our daughter seemed overjoyed.  We were pleased, but we exchanged those looks that mean, "We'll see how long this lasts."

A couple weeks later, our daughter still was talking about her fish.  A good sign.  I asked her, "Have you named your fish yet?"

She replied, "Oh, it already had a name."

I said, "Really?"

She said, "Yes, its name is Sparingly."

I laughed, and said, "Sparingly?  Where did you get the idea that its name is Sparingly?"

She answered, "I read it in the book.  It says, 'Feed Sparingly Twice Daily.'"

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In 1804, Lt. Stephen Decatur led a successful raid into Tripoli Harbor to burn the U.S. Navy frigate Philadelphia, which had fallen into the hands of pirates.

In 1868, the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks was organized in New York City.

In 1937, Dr. Wallace H. Carothers, a research chemist for Du Pont who'd invented nylon, received a patent for the synthetic fiber.

In 1961, the United States launched the Explorer 9 satellite.

In 1968, the nation's first 911 emergency telephone system was inaugurated in Haleyville, Alabama.

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Today---------Singer Patti Andrews is 94, Actor Jeremy Bulloch is 67, Actor William Katt is 61 and Rhythm-and-blues singer James Ingram is 60.

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Quip for the day.........I'm going to start thinking positive.............but I know it won't work.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

B-o-o!

[larryJ]

Today's---------was good for me, too.......

That Army gig is a good deal.  Let me tell you about my nephew.

He was one of those guys who always seemed to be broke.  I helped him when I could, but money went through him like water through a sieve.

When he joined the service, he had 10 bucks to his name.  I didn't see him for a long time, but he wrote to me every week and called me once a month.  He never said a word about money.  He never asked for any.

He served his country proudly.  And then his enlistment was up.  When he got out, he visited me.  I asked him how he was fixed for money.  He checked his wallet and there was a $5 bill in it.  That's it.

I said, "So, you had $10 going in, and you have $5 coming out.  I don't care what you say about the Army.......it's a real bargain.  How else can you live for three years for only 5 bucks?"

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In 1865, Columbia, S.C., burned as the Confederates evacuated and Union forces moved in.  (It's not clear which side set the blaze.)

In 1897, the forerunner of the National PTA, the National Congress of Mothers, convened its first meeting in Washington.

In 1933, Newsweek was first published by Thomas J. C. Martyn under the title "News-Week."

In 1947, the Voice Of America began broadcasting to the Soviet Union.

In 1959, the United States launched Vanguard 2, a satellite which carried meteorological equipment on board.

In 1988, Lt. Col. William Higgins, a Marine Corps officer serving with a United Nations truce monitoring group, was kidnapped in southern Lebanon by Iranian-backed terrorists.  (He was later slain by his captors.)

In 1992, serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer was sentenced in Milwaukee to life in prison.  (He was beaten to death by a fellow inmate in Nov. 1994.)

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February 17th is:  National PTA Founders Day, My Way Day and World Human Spirit Day.

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Quip for the day..............If the enemy is within range.............so are you.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------kids say......

Mom is tucking her young son into bed.  A big storm has moved in.  There is thunder and lightning.  The wind is shaking the trees.  Their branches are scraping against the windows.

Johnny:  "I'm scared, Mommy.  Can't you stay here with me?"

Mom, smiling and giving him a hug:  "Don't be scared, son.  Be a brave boy.  You're not a baby anymore."

Johnny:  "Why can't you stay?"

Mom:  "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

Johnny, after a moment's thought:  "You have to sleep in Daddy's room?"

Mom:  "Yes, your Daddy."

Johnny:  "What a baby!"

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In 1861, Jefferson Davis was sworn in as provisional president of the Confederate States of America in Montgomery, Alabama.

In 1885, Mark Twain's "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" was published in the United States for the first time.

In 1930, photographic evidence of Pluto (now designated a "dwarf planet") was discovered by Clyde W. Tombaugh at Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, Arizona.

In 1953, "Bwana Devil," the movie that heralded the 3D fad of the 1950s, had its New York opening.

In 1970, the "Chicago Seven" defendants were found not guilty of conspiring to incite riots at the 1968 Democratic national convention; five were convicted of violating the Anti-Riot Act of 1968 (those convictions were later reversed.)

In 1972, the California Supreme Court struck down the state's death penalty.

In 1977, the space shuttle Enterprise, sitting atop a Boeing 747, went on its maiden "flight" above the Mojave Desert.

In 2001, auto racing star Dale Earnhardt Sr. died in a crash at the Daytona 500; he was 49.

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Today------Former Cosmopolitan editor Helen Gurley Brown is 90, Actor George Kennedy is 87, Former Sen. John Warner, R-VA., is 85, Author Toni Morrison is 81, Movie director Milos Forman is 80, Singer Yoko Ono is 79, Singer-songwriter Bobby Hart is 73, Singer Herman Santiago (Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers) is 71, Singer Dennis DeYoung is 65, Actress Sinead Cusack is 64, Actress Cybil Shepherd is 62, Singer Juice Newton is 60 and Singer Randy Crawford is 60.

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February 18th is:  Battery Day, Cow Milked While Flying In An Airplane Day and Pluto Day.

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Quip for the day................It IS as BAD as you thing and they ARE out to get you.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------oops.........

Little Suzie was reading the big Bible that had belonged to the family for generations.  She was reading about Adam and Eve.

At one point she stood up from her chair and an old pressed oak leaf fell out of the Bible and fluttered onto the floor.

Suzie gasped.

Mom, who had just walked into the room, said, "What's wrong, Suzie?"

Suzie:  "Look what just fell out of the Bible!"

Mom:  "What is it?"

Suzie:  "I think it's Adam's underwear."

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In 1846, the Texas state government was formally installed in Austin, with J. Pinckney Henderson taking the oath of office as governor.

In 1878, Thomas Alva Edison received a U.S. patent for "an improvement in phonograph or speaking machines."

In 1881, Kansas prohibited the manufacture and sale of alcoholic beverages.

In 1945, during World War II, some 30,000 U.S. Marines began landing on Iwo Jima, where they commenced a successful month-long battle to seize control of the island from Japanese forces.

In 1983, 13 people were found shot to death at a gambling club in Seattle's Chinatown in what became known as the Wah Mee Massacre.  (Two Chinese immigrants were convicted of the killings and sentenced to life in prison.)

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Today-----------Actress Carlin Glynn is 72, Singer Lou Christie is 69, Actor Stephen Nichols is 61, Author Amy Tan is 60 and singer Smokey Robinson is 72.

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February 19th is:  Chocolate Mint Day and Iwo Jima Day.

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Quip for the day..............If at first you don't succeed.............destroy all the evidence that you tried.

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Larryj