another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------------More golden football quotes...........

"When I was in high school, we just had one coach for football and basketball.  He took all of us and had us run in a forest.  The ones who ran around the trees made the basketball team.  The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team."
College basketball coach George Raveling.

"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." 
Football coach Knute Rockne.

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In 1848, the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, ending the Mexican-American War, was signed.

In 1887, Punxsutawney, PA., held its first Groundhog Day festival.

In 1912, Frederick R. Law parachuted from the torch of the Statue of Liberty in a stunt filmed by Pathe News.

In 1992, longtime "Miss America" emcee Bert Parks died in La Jolla, CA., at age 77.

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Today------------Actress Elaine Stritch is 87, Actor Robert Mandan is 80, Comedian Tom Smothers is 75, Rock singer-guitarist Graham Nash is 70, Actor Bo Hopkins is 70, Television executive Barry Diller is 70, Country singer Howard Bellamy (The Bellamy Brothers) is 66, TV chef Ina Garten is 64, Actor Jack McGee is 63, Actor Brent Spiner is 63 and Rock musician Ross Valory (Journey) is 63.

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February 2nd is:  Candelmas, Groundhog Day, Marmot Day, Hedgehog Day, World Wetlands Day, Imbolic and Scone Day.

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Quip for the day............A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------too funny.....


Many, many years from now, Hall of Fame quarterback Tom Brady is ushered before the throne of God.  Hall of Fame quarterbacks Tim Tebow and Peyton Manning are seated beside the Almighty on smaller thrones of their own. 

God speaks:  "Welcome, Tom Brady.  When it was Peyton's turn to stand before me, I asked him what he believed, and he told me he believed in hard work and fair play.  You see him now, seated on my left side.  When Tim arrived, I asked him what he believed, and he said he believed in courage, honor and faith.  You see him now, seated on my right side.  Now, I ask you, Tom Brady, what do you believe?"

Tom Brady answers:  "I believe you're in my seat."

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In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln and Confederate Vice President Alexander H. Stephens held a shipboard peace conference off the Virginia coast; the talks deadlocked over the issue of Southern autonomy.

In 1930, the chief justice of the United States, William Howard Taft, resigned for health reasons.  (He died just over a month later.)

In 1959, rock 'n' roll stars Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P. "Big Bopper" Richardson died in a small plane crash near Clear Lake, Iowa.

In 1971, New York City police officer Frank Serpico, who had charged there was widespread corruption in NYPD, was shot and seriously wounded during a drug bust in Brooklyn.

In 1991, the rate for a first-class postage stamp rose to 29 cents.

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Today------------------Comedian Shelley Berman is 87, Former Sen. Paul Sarbanes, D-Md, is 79, Football Hall-of-Famer Fran Tarkenton is 72, Actress Bridget Hanley is 71, Actress Blythe Danner is 69, Singer Dennis Edwards is 69, Football Hall-of-Famer Bob Griese is 67, Singer-guitarist Dave Davies (The Kinks) is 65, Singer Melanie is 65, Actress Pamela Franklin is 62 and Actress Morgan Fairchild is 62.

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February 3rd is:  Four Chaplains Memorial Day, The Day The Music Died, Bubble Gum Day, Give Kids A Smile Day and Wear Red Day.

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Quip for the day........Inside every older person is a younger person...........wondering what the hell happened.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------More golden football quotes............

"I had pro offers from the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers.  If I had gone into professional football, the name Jerry Ford might have meant something today."
President Gerald Ford.

"I'm a light eater.  As soon as it gets light, I start to eat." 
Football Hall of Famer Art Donovan

"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
Comedian Phyllis Diller.

"I always enjoy animal acts."
President Calvin Coolidge, when asked if he wanted to meet the Chicago Bears.

"I've been this big ever since I was little."
Defensive lineman William "The Refrigerator" Perry.

"Baseball players are smarter than football players.  How often do you see a baseball team penalized for having too many men on the field?"
Baseball pitcher Jim Bouton.

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In 1789, electors chose George Washington to be the first president of the United States.

In 1941, the United Service Organizations (USO) came in existence.

In 1962, a rare conjunction of the Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn occurred.

In 1962, St. Jude Children's Research Hospital was founded in Memphis, TN., by entertainer Danny Thomas.

In 1972, Mariner 9, orbiting Mars, transmitted images of the red planet.

In 1974, newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst was kidnapped in Berkeley by the Symbionese Liberation Army.

In 1982, President Ronald Reagan announced a plan to eliminate all medium-range nuclear missiles in Europe.

In 1983, pop singer-musician Karen Carpenter died in Downey, CA., at age 32.

In 1987, pianist Liberace died at his Palm Springs, CA., home at age 67.

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Today-------Actor William Phipps is 90, Actor Conrad Bain is 89, Comedian David Brenner is 76, Actor Gary Conway is 76, Rock musician John Steel (The Animals) is 71, Singer Florence LaRue (The Fifth Dimension) is 68, Former Vice President Dan Quayle is 65, Rock singer Alice Cooper is 64, Actor Michael Beck is 63, Actress Lisa Eichhorn is 60 and Movie director George A. Romero is 72.

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February 4th is:  Laura Ingalls Wilder Day, Liberace Day, Quacker Day, USO Day, World Cancer Day and Ice Cream For Breakfast Day.

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Quip for the day.............Every time I get the urge to exercise........I lie down til the feeling passes.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------old, but funny............

The guy is sitting in a seat on the 50-yard-line at the Super Bowl.  Fantastic seat.  The seat next to him is empty.

As the second half gets underway, the guy behind him can't resist asking a question.  He says, "Wow, I wonder who paid all that money for that seat next to you, but couldn't make it to the game."

The first guy says, "Oh, that would have been my wife's seat, but she passed away.  We've been season ticket holders for more than 10 years.  She would have wanted me to be here today."

The second guy says, "I'm so sorry for your lost.  Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend or a loved one?"

The first guy says, "No, they're all at the funeral.

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In 1917, Congress passed, over President Woodrow Wilson's veto, an immigration act severely curtailing the influx of Asians.

In 1922, the first edition of Reader's Digest was published.

In 1937, President Franklin D. Roosevelt proposed increasing the number of U.S. justices.  Critics accused Roosevelt of attempting  to "pack"  the nation's highest court.  (The proposal failed in Congress.)

In 1940, Glenn Miller and his orchestra recorded "Tuxedo Junction" for RCA Victor's Bluebird label.

In 1971, Apollo 14 astronauts Alan Shepherd and Edgar Mitchell stepped onto the surface of the moon in the first of two lunar excursions.

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Today------------------Country singer Claude King is 89, The Rev. Andrew M. Greeley is 84, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Hank Aaron is 78, Actor Stuart Damon is 75, Actor David Selby is 71, Football Hall-of-Famer Roger Staubach is 70, Singer Cory Wells is 70, Movie director Michael Mann is 69, Rock singer Al Kooper is 68, Actress Charlotte Rampling is 66, NASCAR Hall-of-Famer Darrell Waltrip is 65, Actress Barbara Hershey is 64, Actor Christopher Guest is 64 and Actor Tom Wilkinson is 64.

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February 5th is:  Movie Hollywood & Broadway to Lebanon, PA, Day, Weatherperson's Day, Western Monarch Day, World Nutella Day, Dump Your Significant Other Day and Super Bowl XLVI.

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Quip for the day,,,,,,Ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but those going faster are maniacs.

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Larryj       

[larryJ]

Today's---------hah

A businessman is approached by a disheveled, smelly hobo who asks for spare change for food.

The businessman pulls a $20 bill from his money clip and says, "If I give you this money, are you going to buy beer instead of food?"

The bum says, "No, I had to stop drinking years ago."

Businessman:  "Will you use it to buy cigarettes?"

Bum:  "I haven't smoke since I was in my 20's."

Businessman:  "Will you take it to the casino and waste it on the slot machines?"

Bum:  "I don't gamble.  I never have."

The businessman returns the money to his pocket and says, "Come on, I want to invite you to my house.  My wife is cooking dinner."

Bum:  "Won't she be mad at you for bringing me along?"

Businessman:  "I don't care.  I want her to see what happens to a man who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble."

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In 1778, the United States won official recognition from France with the signing of a Treaty of Alliance in Paris.

In 1959, the United States successfully test-fired for the first time a Titan intercontinental ballistic missile from Cape Canaveral.

In 1992, 16 people were killed when a C-130 military transport plane crashed in Evansville, Indiana.

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Today--------Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor is 95, Actor Patrick Macnee is 90, Actor Rip Torn is 81, Actress Mamie Van Doren is 81, Actor Mike Farrell is 73, Former NBC News anchorman Tom Brokaw is 72, Singer Fabian is 69, Actress Gayle Hunnicutt is 69, Actor Michael Tucker is 68, Producer-director-writer Jim Sheridan is 63 and Singer Natalie Cole is 62.

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February 6th is:  Lame Duck Day.

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Quip for the day...........If you saw your ex-wife and her lawyer drowning in the swimming pool, would you........................go to lunch or go to the movies?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------yep.....

A couple with a manila envelope visits the art and framing store and tells the attendant there that they wish to purchase custom framing for a picture worth $50,000.

The attendant is a little taken aback.  "We don't usually handle items that expensive, but I'm sure we can find framing for it that you will like.  Did you bring the item with you?"

The woman answers, "Yes, we did."

The man pulls a piece of paper from the envelope and places it on the counter.  He says, "It's our son's college diploma."

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In 1795, the Eleventh Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, dealing with states' sovereign immunity, was ratified.

In 1936, President Franklin D. Roosevelt authorized a flag for the office of the vice president.

In 1943, the government announced the start of shoe rationing, limiting consumers to buying three pairs of shoes per person for the remainder of the year.

In 1962, President John F. Kennedy imposed a full trade embargo on Cuba.

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Today---------Author Gay Talese is 80 and Sen. Herb Kohl, D-Wis., is 77.

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February 7th is:  African-American Coaches Day, Ballet Day, Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day and Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbors Day.

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Quip for the day.............Remember when $1200 used to buy a car..........now it's the sales tax.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------old, funny.......

A man who has been unlucky in love walks down to the beach and gazes wistfully out to sea.  An old brass bottle washes ashore.  He rubs the sand away.  A genie pops out.

Genie:  "I will grant you any wish."

Man:  "Wow, anything?  Let me think.  How about a bridge to Hawaii?  I'd love to get away for a while."

Genie, frowning:  "I can do that, but it's complicated, not to mention terribly impractical.  Can't you think of a better wish?"

Man:  "Well, maybe you can grant me wisdom to understand women.  What makes them think the way they do?  Why do they act the way they do?  What do they want?  What does it take to make them happy?

Genie:  "Do you want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

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In 1693, a charter was granted for the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg in the Virginia Colony.

In 1910, the Boys Scouts of America was incorporated.

In 1922, President Harding had a radio installed in the White House.

In 1968, three college students were killed in a confrontation with highway patrolmen in Orangeburg, S.C., during a civil-rights protest against a whites-only bowling alley.

In 1971, NASDAQ, the world's first electronic stock exchange held its first trading day.

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Today--------Composer-conductor John Williams is 80, Newscaster Ted Koppel is 72, Actor Nick Nolte is 71, Comedian Robert Klein is 70, Singer Ron Tyson is 64 and Actress Brooke Adams is 63.

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February 8th is:  Boy Scout Anniversary Day, Laugh and Get Rich Day and Opera Day.

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Quip for the day............I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------another oldie.......

Lady walks up, looks the pharmacist right in the eye, and says, "I need to buy some sort of pharmaceutical poison, so that I can kill someone."

The pharmacist lifts and eyebrow and says, "What?"

Lady:  "I need to poison my husband."

Pharmacist:  "Are you kidding?  I can't help you with that.  We both would end up in jail.  Absolutely not!"

The lady reaches into her purse and produces a picture of her husband and the pharmacist's wife, locking lips at a local dive bar.

Pharmacist:  "Let me see what I have in the back.  You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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In 1825, the House of Representatives elected John Quincy Adams president after no candidate received a majority of electoral votes.

In 1870, the U.S. Weather Bureau was established.

In 1942, the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff held its first formal meeting to coordinate military strategy during World War II.

In 1942, Daylight-saving "War Time" went into effect in the United States, with clocks turned one hour forward.

In 1943, the World War II battle of Guadalcanal in the southwest Pacific ended with an Allied victory over Japanese forces.

In 1964, the Beatles made their first live American television appearance on "The Ed Sullivan Show" broadcast from New York on CBS.

In 1971, a magnitude 6.6 earthquake in the San Fernando valley area of Los Angeles claimed 65 lives.

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Today---------Television journalist Roger Mudd is 84, Actress Janet Suzman is 73, Actress-politician Sheila James Kuehl ("The Many Loves of Doby Gillis") is 71, Singer-songwriter Carole King is 70, Actor Joe Pesci is 69, Singer Barbara Lewis is 69, Author Alice Walker is 68, Actress Mia Farrow is 67, Singer Joe Ely is 65, Actress Judith Light is 63 and Rhythm-and-blues musician Dennis "DT" Thomas (Kool and the Gang) is 61.

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February 9th is:  Extraterrestrial Visitor Day, Read In The Bathtub Day and National Stop Bullying Day.

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Quip for the day..............By the time you reach greener pastures, you can't climb the fence.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------it's a two-for-one day..........

Here's the story of a couple who stayed married----under direct orders.

During World War II, a serviceman and his fiance decided on a romantic Valentine's Day wedding.  But suddenly the enlistee's company based at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts, received orders to prepare to ship out.  All leaves were cancelled.

The lovesick man briefly went AWOL.  He and his bride were married four days earlier than originally planned, after which he returned to base and faced his angry sergeant.

After hearing his explanation, the sergeant understandingly replied, "OK, OK!"

Then, as an afterthought, he added, "But don't let it happen again!"

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A blonde cuts in front of a truck and the truck hits the back of her car.  The truck driver motions for her to pull over which she did.

The truck driver angrily gets out of the truck and takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle and tells the blonde to stand in it and not to move.

Then he grabs a hammer and proceeds to smash the headlights and tail lights on her car and she begins to laugh.  This makes him even madder so he smashes the windshield and back window and the blonde starts laughing even more.  Really angry now, he takes a knife and slashes her tires.  She is roaring with laughter.

He stops and says, "What is so funny?"

She says, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

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In 1942, RCA Victor presented Glenn Miller and his Orchestra with a "gold record" for their recording of "Chattanooga Choo Choo," which had sold more than 1 million copies.

In 1967, the 25th Amendment to the Constitution, dealing with presidential disability and succession, was ratified as Minnesota and Nevada adopted it.

In 1968, U.S. figure skater Peggy Fleming won America's only gold medal of the Winter Olympics in Grenoble, France.

In 1992, Author Alex Haley died in Seattle at age 70.

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Today-------------Opera singer Leontyne Price is 85, Actor Robert Wagner is 82, Rock musician Don Wilson is 79, Singer Roberta Flack is 75, Singer Jimmy Merchant is 72, Rock musician Bob Spalding is 65 and Olympic gold-medal swimmer Mark Spitz is 62.

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February 10th is:  Plimsoll Day.

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Quip for the day...........Doctors can be frustrating.  You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment and he says, "I wish you would have come to me sooner!"

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------hah or aha........

I'm used to seeing roadside fruit and nut stands as I drive around Southern California.  Occasionally, I will stop and buy.

That's what happened the other day, when I noticed a young lady changing the sign at her produce stand.  I was curious about what new items or deals she might be advertising.

I parked, approached, and said, "Good morning.  I see you are changing your sign."

"Yes, my boyfriend didn't like the old one," the young lady said.

"What did the old one say?" I asked.

She replied, "LOCAL HONEY DATES NUTS."

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In 1861, President-elect Abraham Lincoln bade farewell to his adopted hometown of Springfield, IL., as he headed to Washington for his inauguration.

In 1972, McGraw-Hill Publishing Co. and Life magazine canceled plans to publish what had turned out to be a fake autobiography of reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes.

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Today----------Actor Conrad Janis is 84, Actress Tina Louise is 78, Actor Burt Reynolds is 76, Songwriter Gerry Coffin is 73, Actor Sonny Landham is 71, Bandleader Sergio Mendez is 71, Rhythm-and-blues singer Otis Clay is 70 and Actor Philip Anglim is 60.

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February 11th is:  Be Electrific Day, Daytona Pole Day, Pro Sports Wives Day, National Shut-in Visitation Day, Satisfied Staying Single Day and White Shirt Day.

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Quip for the day.......Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?  Because not one of them will stop and ask for directions.

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Larryj