another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------Okaaaaay, then..........

It's late afternoon. An early darkness has descended upon the Irish moors.  Dense fog has gathered around the ancient castle.  Inside, a guide carries a lantern to light the way as he conducts tourists through the gloomy corridors.

"This is the room where the notorious Lord Edwin was murdered by his fifth wife," he says.  "Across the hall is the room where the wife took her own life one month later.  Next, we will come to the room where the couple's son, who inherited the castle, died of a mysterious wasting disease.  As you will learn, almost every room in this place has a tragic story to tell."

One of the tourists raises her hand and asks, nervously, "Are there any ghosts?"

The guide replies, "No, I can assure you there are no ghosts.  I've been living here for 250 years and I've never seen one."

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In 1929, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was born in Atlanta.

In 1943, work was completed on the Pentagon, headquarters of the U.S. Department of War (now Defense.)'

In 1947, the mutilated remains of 22-year-old Elizabeth Short, who came to be known as the "Black Dahlia," were found in a vacant Los Angeles lot; her slaying remains unsolved.

In 1954, Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio got married in San Francisco City Hall.  (The marriage, however, lasted only about nine months.

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Today---------Actress Margaret O'Brien is 75 and Actress Andrea Martin is 65.

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Quip for the day............Seen it all, done it all.............can't remember most of it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------one liners.............

To write with a broken pencil is...............pointless.

The thief who stole a calendar got.............12 months.

The batteries were given out..............free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married, but they fought.............tooth and nail.

A will is a.................dead giveaway.

If you don't pay the exorcist..............you'll be repossessed.

A boiled egg is...............hard to beat.

If you've seen one shopping center........you've seen a mall.

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In 1920, Prohibition began in the United States as the 18th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution took effect, one year to the day after it's ratification.  (It was later repealed by the 21st Amendment.)

In 1942, actress Carole Lombard, 33, her mother Elizabeth and 20 other people were killed when their plane crashed near Las Vegas, Nevada, while enroute to California from a war-bond promotion tour.

In 1991, the White House announced the start of Operation Desert Storm to drive Iraqi forces out of Kuwait.

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Today------Author William Kennedy is 84, Author-editor Norman Podhoretz is 82, Opera singer Marilyn Horne is 78, Hall-of-Fame auto racer A.J. Foyt is 77, Singer Barbara Lynn is 70, Country singer Ronnie Milsap is 69, Country singer Jim Stafford is 68, Talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger is 65, Movie director John Carpenter is 64 and Actress-dancer-choreographer Debbie Allen is 62.

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Quip for the day............It's better to have loved a short man, than to never have loved a tall.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------ya..........

Sven and Anders die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell.  The Devil discovers them laughing and whooping it up.

He says to them, "Doesn't the heat bother you?"

Sven replies, "Oh, no, we're from Minnesota.  We love a bit of nice weather like this, don't you know."

Furious, the Devil leaves and turns off all the heat in Hell.  The temperature soon plummets to 60 below zero.  The Lake of Fire turns to ice.  Frost forms on the cavern walls.  Icicles hang everywhere.

With an evil smile on his face, the Devil goes back to check on Anders and Sven and finds them cheering, clapping their hands and jumping up and down like mad men.

Dumbfounded, he says, "What is wrong with you two?"

Anders replies, "Well, don't you know, Hell has frozen over.  That means the Vikings have won the Super Bowl."

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In 1893, the 19th president of the United States, Rutherford B. Hayes, died in Fremont, Ohio, at age 70.
Also, Hawaii's monarchy was overthrown as a group of businessmen and sugar planters forced Queen Lili'uokalani to abdicate.

In 1929, the cartoon character Popeye the Sailor made his debut in the "Thimble Theater" comic strip.

In 1950, the Great Brink's Robbery took place as seven masked men held up a Brink's garage in Boston, stealing $1.2 million in cash and $1.5 million in checks and money orders.  (Although the entire gang was caught, only part of the loot was recovered.)

In 1962, 10 former winners of rigged TV quiz shows, including Charles Van Doren, pleaded guilty in New York to perjury, admitting they'd lied under oath when they denied being given answers in advance.  (All received suspended sentences.)

In 1994, a 6.7 magnitude earthquake struck Northridge, CA., killing 57 people.

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Today--------Former Attorney General Nicholas Katzenbach is 90, Former FCC Chairman Newton N. Minow is 86, Hairdresser Vidal Sassoon is 84, Actor James Earl Jones is 81, Talk show host Maury Povich is 73, International Boxing Hall-of-Famer Muhammad Ali is 70, Pop singer Chris Montez is 70, Rhythm-and-blues singer William Hart (The Delfonics) is 67, Rock musician Mick Taylor is 64 and Actress Betty White is 90.

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January 17th is:  Kids Inventor's Day, Rid The World Of Fad Diets And Gimmicks Day, Cable Car Day, Hot Heads Chili Days (17-18) and Judgement Day.

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Quip for the day............If all the cars in the world were lined up end to end, some idiot would try to pass them.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------senior joke............

Since more and more seniors are texting, a shorthand list of appropriate abbreviations is much needed.  Here are some suggestions.

BFF:  Best Friend Fainted.
LOL:  Living on Lipitor.
OMG: Oh, my! Gas!
CGU:  Can't Get Up.
FWTW: Forgot Where I Was.
FYI:  Found Your Insulin.
WTBOTL:  Where's The Bathroom? Oops.  Too Late.
RMW:  Rewriting My Will.
IWPR:  I'm Wearing My Pants, Right?
LMDO:  Laughing My Dentures Out.
RMWAY:  Remind Me, Who Are You?
DTSF:  Don't Tweet So Fast.
GGLWO:  Gotta Go, Lawrence Welk's On!

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In 1943, A wartime ban on the sale of pre-sliced bread in the U.S.  -- aimed at reducing bakeries demand for metal replacement parts  --  went into effect.

In 1952, Jerome "Curly" Howard of Three Stooges fame died in San Gabriel at age 48.

In 1970, David Oman McKay, the ninth president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, died at the age of 96.

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Today----------Movie director John Boorman is 79, Former Sen. Paul Kirk, D-Mass., is 74 and Singer-songwriter Bobby Goldsboro is 71.

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January 18th is:  Winnie The Pooh Day, Thesaurus Day and National Sanctity Of Human Life (or Pro-Life) Day.

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Quip for the day.............A day without sunshine is........well..........dark.

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Larryj

[Wilma]

LMDO

[larryJ]

Should have added..............

CYHMN:  Can You Hear Me Now?

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's...........what was first, the egg or the chicken...........

In the office where my friend works, there is a constant battle between the technical-support director and customer-service personnel over the room temperature, which is usually thought to be too low.

The frustrated director, trying to get the group to understand his position, announced one afternoon, "We absolutely must keep the temperature below seventy-seven degrees or the computers will overheat.

Thinking this was just another excuse, one of my friend's shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah, right.  So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air-conditioning?"

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In 1807, Confederate general Robert E. Lee was born in Westmoreland County, Virginia.

In 1937, millionaire Howard Hughes set a transcontinental air record by flying his monoplane from Los Angeles to Newark, NJ, in 7 hours, 28 minutes and 25 seconds.

In 1955, a presidential news conference was filmed for television for the first time, with the permission of President Eisenhower.

In 1970, President Richard M. Nixon nominated G. Harrold Carswell to the Supreme Court; however, the nomination was defeated because of controversy over Carswell's past racial views.

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Today-------Actress Jean Stapleton is 89, Actor Fritz Weaver is 86, Actress Tippi Hedren is 82, Former PBS newsman Robert McNeil is 81, Singer Phil Everly is 73, Actor-singer Michael Crawford is 70, Actress Shelley Fabares is 68, Country singer Dolly Parton is 66, ABC newswoman Ann Compton is 65, Rock singer Martha Davis is 61, Singer Dewey Bunnell is 60 and TV chef Paula Deen is 65.

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January 19th is:  Popcorn Day, Tin Can Day, Get To Know Your Customers Day, Women In Blue Jeans Day and Women's Healthy Weight Day.

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Quip for the day.........Those who live by the sword...........get shot by those who don't.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------aha............

There was a snowstorm in South Carolina.  Several inches of snow on the highways.  People sliding off the road everywhere, even the police.

Mom was driving 65 mph on the freeway.  She passed a patrolman.  He immediately turned on his siren and pursued.  She pulled over.

"Ma'am, you're driving much too fast for these conditions.  Let me see your license and registration, please."

She complied, handing him her Alaska driver's license.  "I just moved here," she explained.

He handed it back, tipped his cap, and said, "Please proceed on your way.  Have a nice day."

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In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower and Vice President Richard M. Nixon were sworn in for their second terms of office in a private ceremony.  (A public ceremony was held the next day.)

In 1961, John F. Kennedy was inaugurated as the 35th president of the United States.

In 1981, Iran released 52 Americans it had held hostage for 444 days, minutes after the presidency had passed from Jimmy Carter to Ronald Reagan.

In 1986, the United States observed the first federal holiday in honor of slain civil rights leader Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

In 2009, Barack Obama was sworn in as the nation's 44th, as well as first African-American, president.

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Today--------Country singer Slim Whitman is 88, Comedian Arte Johnson is 83, Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin is 82, Olympic gold medal figure skater Carol Heiss is 72, Singer Eric Stewart is 67, Movie director David Lynch is 66, Country-rock musician George Grantham is 65, Actor Daniel Benzali is 62, Rock musician Paul Stanley is 60 and Rock musician Ian Hill is 60.

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January 20th is:  Camcorder Day, Inauguration Day, National Disc Jockey Day and International Fetish Day.

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Quip for the day.............bumper sticker...........HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------from the mouths of babes...........

Children are so literal.

My 6-year-old was wearing tattered socks this morning that should have been thrown out a long time ago.  At one point, he came to me and asked if he could go outside and play.  I said, "With those holes in your socks?"

He said, "No, with the kids across the street."

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In 1997, Speaker Newt Gingrich was reprimanded and fined as the House voted for the first time in history to discipline its leader for ethical misconduct.

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Today------Actress Ann Wedgeworth is 78, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Jack Nicklaus is 72, Opera singer Placido Domingo is 71, Singer Richie Havens is 71, Singer Mac Davis is 70, Actress Jill Eikenberry is 65 and Singer-songwriter Billy Ocean is 62.

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January 21st is:  National Hugging Day, AFRMA Fancy Ray & Mouse Day and Squirrel Appreciation Day.

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Quip for the day.........Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------old, still funny.......

Two old buddies, Bob and Earl, are maniac baseball fans.  They promise each other that whichever one of them dies first, he will try to come back and tell the other if there is baseball in heaven.

Eventually, Bob dies.  Earl is very sad.  He has to go to games by himself.  He has nobody to talk to, any more, about baseball.

Time passes.

One night Earl is wakened by the sound of Bob's disembodied voice.  "Earl!  Earl!

Earl is overjoyed.  "Bob!" he exclaims.  "You did it. You came back.  So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

Bob:  "Well, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven."

Earl:  "That's wonderful!  I don't even care what the bad news is."

Bob:  "That's good, because you're pitching tomorrow."

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In 1962, one of Hollywood's most famous, as well as tumultuous, romances bloomed as Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton filmed their first scene together on the set of "Cleopatra" at the Cinecitta studios in Rome.

In 1973, the U.S. Supreme Court, in its Roe vs. Wade decision, legalized abortions using a trimester approach.

In 1995, Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy died at the Kennedy compound at Hyannis Port, Mass., at age 104.

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Today--------Former Sen. Birch Bayh, D-Ind., is 84, Actress Piper Laurie is 80, Actor Seymour Cassel is 77, Author Joseph Wambaugh is 75, Actor John Hurt is 72, Singer Steve Perry is 63 and Country singer Teddy Gentry (Alabama) is 60.

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January 22nd is:  Celebration of Life Day, Roe vs. Wade Day and Answer Your Cat's Questions Day.

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Quip for the day............One of the great mysteries in life is how that idiot that married your daughter is the father of such smart grandchildren.

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Larryj