another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------kinda like redneck jokes.........

ALTERNATIVE MEDICAL TERMS..................

Barium:  What morticians do to patients who die.
Cauterize:  Made eye contact with her.
Dilate:  Live longer.
Nitrate:  Cheaper than the day rate.
Node:  Was aware of.
Out-patient:  A patient who has fainted.
Tumor:  More than one.
Varicose:  Nearby.

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In 1848, President James K. Polk triggered the Gold Rush of 1849 by confirming that gold had been discovered in California.

In 1932, German physicist Albert Einstein was granted a visa, making it possible for him to travel to the United States.

In 1979, feminist Sonia Johnson was formally excommunicated by the Mormon Church because of her outspoken support for the proposed Equal Rights Amendment to the Constitution.

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Today---------------Singer Little Richard is 79, Author Joan Didion is 77, Author Calvin Trillin is 76, Musician J.J. Cale is 73, Opera singer Jose Carreras is 65, Pop singer Jim Messina is 64, College football hall-of-famer Jim Plunkett is 64, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Lanny Wadkins is 62 and Actress Morgan Brittany is 60.

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December 5th is:  AFL-CIO Day, Bathtub Party Day, International Ninja Day and International Volunteer Day For Economic and Social Development.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------old, funny............

The two workmen were not too bright.  They carefully put up the flagpole and secured it in place.  Then one of them tried to climb it, holding a measuring tape in one hand.  He tried again and again.  No matter how high he got, he always slid back down before making it to the top.

He gave up, and handed the tape measure to the other guy, who also made several attempts to climb the flagpole.  But with no luck.

A curious bystander approached and asked, "What are you guys trying to do?"

The first guy said, "We're trying to measure the flagpole."

The bystander said, "Why didn't you measure it when you had it on the ground?"

The second guy said, "Oh, we did do that.  We know how long it is.  Now we're trying to measure how tall it is."

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In 1790, Congress moved to Philadelphia from New York.

In 1884, Army engineers completed construction of the Washington Monument by setting an aluminum capstone atop the obelisk.

In 1889, Jefferson Davis, the first and only president of the Confederate States of America, died in New Orleans.

In 1907, the worst mining disaster in U.S. history occurred as 362 men and boys died in a coal mine explosion in Monongah, W.VA.

In 1947, Everglades National Park in Florida was dedicated by President Harry S. Truman.

In 1957, America's first attempt at putting a satellite into orbit failed as Vanguard TV3 rose about four feet off a Cape Canaveral launch pad before crashing down and exploding.

In 1960, nearly 9 million acres of Alaska was set aside as an Arctic National Wildlife Range by order of Interior Secretary Fred A. Seaton.

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Today--------------Jazz musician Dave Brubeck is 91, Comedy performer David Ossman is 75, Actor Patrick Bauchau is 73, Country singer Helen Cornelius is 70, Actor James Naughton is 66, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood is 66, R&B singer Frankie Beverly is 65, Former Senator Don Nickles, R-Okla, is 63 and Actress JoBeth Williams is 63.

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December 6th is:  Miners Day, National Pawnbrokers Day and St. Nicholas Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------too funny............

A real woman is a man's best friend.  She will never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.  She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do.  She will enable him to express his deepest emotions

She will make him feel confident, smart and full of personality.  She will make him feel like he's the most handsome man in the room.....................................



No, wait..................................

Sorry, I'm thinking of whiskey.  It's whiskey that does all that stuff.................

Never mind.

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In 1909, chemist Leo H. Baekland received a U.S. patent for Bakelite, the first synthetic plastic.

In 1941, the Imperial Japanese navy launched a surprise attack on the U.S. Naval Base at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii as part of a plan to preempt an American military response to Japan's planned conquest of Southeast Asia territories; the raid, which claimed some 2,400 American lives, prompted the United States to declare war against Japan the next day.

In 1972, America's last moon mission to date was launched as Apollo 17 blasted off from Cape Canaveral.

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Today--------------Bluegrass singer Bobbie Osborne is 80, Actress Ellen Burstyn is 79, Broadcast journalist Carole Simpson is 71, Baseball Hall-of-Famer James Keach is 64, Country singer Gary Morris is 63, Singer-songwriter Tom Waits is 62 and Actor Eli Wallach is 96.

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December 7th is:  International Civil Aviation Day, National Cotton Candy Day and National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------old, funny..........................

An international crime lord learns that the bookkeeper for his overseas operation has cheated him out of $10 million.

He gets on a plane, along with his multilingual lawyer and hunts down the bookkeeper.

He says, "Where's my $10 million?"

The lawyer serves as translator.

The bookkeeper says, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer translates.

The crime lord pulls out a pistol, aims it at the bookkeeper and demands, "Tell me or I'll shoot you."

The lawyer translates.

The bookkeeper says, "OK, OK, you win.  The money is in a brown briefcase in a garden shed behind my mother's house."

The crime lord asked the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

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In 1941, the United States entered World War II as Congress declared war against Japan, a day after the attack on Pearl Harbor.

In 1961, The Beach Boys' first single, "Surfin," was released.

In 1980, rock star John Lennon was shot to death outside his New York City apartment building by an apparently deranged fan.

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Today---------------Actor-director Maximilian Schell is 81, Flutist James Galway is 72, Singer Jerry Butler is 72, Pop musician Bobby Elliott (The Hollies) is 70, Actress Mary Woronov is 68, Actor John Rubinstein is 65 and Rock singer-musician Gregg Allman is 64.

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And, if you haven't already heard, Actor Harry Morgan died yesterday at the age of 96.  He was known for his roles as the partner in the Dragnet series with Jack Webb (Sgt. Joe Friday) and of course, as Col. Sherman Potter on "M.A.S.H."

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December 8th is:  National Brownie Day. 

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------hah.........

Some senior ladies were discussing their driving habits and experiences.   Several remarked that they no longer dared to drive on the freeways.

"Oh, pooh!" said a 90-year-old.  "I drive them all the time.  And, I go as slow as I like."

"Doesn't that upset other drivers?" someone asked.

"Oh, no," the 90-year-old said.  "In fact, they appreciate it.  They honk when they pass me and give me that hand signal that means, "You're No. 1!"

The other ladies didn't have the heart to tell her the truth.

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In 1958, the anti-communist John Birch Society was formed in Indianapolis.

In 1984, the five-day-old hijacking of a Kuwaiti airliner that claimed the lives of two Americans ended as Iranian security men seized control of the plane which was parked at Tehran airport.

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Today--------------Actor Kirk Douglas is 95, Actor Dick Van Patten is 83, Actor-writer Buck Henry is 81, Actress Dame Judy Dench is 77, Actor Beau Bridges is 70, Football Hall-of-Famer Dick Butkus is 69, Actor Michael Nouri is 66 and Singer Joan Armatrading is 61.

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December 9th is:  International Anti-Corruption Day, National Salesperson Day and Weary Willie Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------not good, back to the archives..............

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's Dead

Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

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In 1906, President Theodore Roosevelt became the first American to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for helping mediate the Russo-Japanese War.

In 1931, Jane Addams became the first American woman to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize; the co-recipient was Nicholas Murray Butler.

In 1950, Ralph J. Bunche was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, the first black American to receive the award.

In 1964, Martin Luther King, Jr. received his Nobel Peace Prize.

In 1967, singer Otis Redding, 26, and six others were killed when their plane crashed into Wisconsin's Lake Monona.

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Today-----------Actor Tommy Kirk is 70, Actress Fionnula Flanagan is 70, Pop singer Chad Stuart (Chad and Jeremy) is 70, Actress-singer Gloria Loring is 65, Pop-funk musician Walter "Clyde" Orange (The Commodores) is 65, Rhythm-and-blues singer Ralph Tavares is 63, Rhythm-and-blues singer Jessica Cleaves (Friends of Distinction) is 63 and Country singer Johnny Rodriguez is 60.

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December 10th is:  Day Of The Horse, Dewey Decimal System Day,  Human Rights Day, International Shareware Day and Nobel Peace Prize Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------might have heard this one before............

Hubby was very concerned about his wife's loss of hearing.  He mentioned it to his doctor.  "I think she is going deaf." he said.

The doctor said, "Here's what you do.  Stand about 40 feet away from her and say something in a normal speaking tone to see if she hears you.  If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.  Let me know what happens."

That evening, hubby was in the den, about 40 feet from the kitchen where his wife was making dinner.  He said, in a normal tone, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

There was no response, so he moved to within 30 feet and repeated, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Nothing.

He moved 10 more feet and spoke.  Nothing. Another 10 feet.  Nothing.

Finally, he walked right up behind her and asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replied, "Ralph, for the fifth time, it's chicken!"

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In 1941, Germany and Italy declared war on the United States; the U.S. responded in kind.

In 1946, the United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF) was established.

In 1961, a U.S. aircraft carrier carrying Army helicopters arrived in Saigon -- the first direct American military support for South Vietnam's battle against Communist guerrillas.

In 1972, Apollo 17's lunar module landed on the moon with astronauts Eugene Cernan and Harrison Schmitt aboard; they are, to date, the last two men to step onto the lunar surface.

In 1981, Muhammad Ali, 39, fought his final fight, losing by unanimous decision to Trevor Berbick in Nassau, Bahamas.

In 2008, Bernie Madoff was arrested, accused of running a multi-billion-dollar Ponzi scheme.  (Madoff is serving a 150-year federal prison sentence.

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Today-----------------Pulitzer Prize-winning composer Elliot Carter is 103, Actor Jean-Louis Trintignant is 81, Former California state lawmaker Tom Hayden is 72, Rock singer David Gates is 71, Sen. Max Baucus, D-Mont., is 70, Actress Donna Mills is 69, Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., is 68, Singer Brenda Lee is 67, Actress Lynda Day George is 67, Music producer Tony Brown is 65, Actress Teri Garr is 64 and Actress Rita Moreno is 80.

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December 11th is:  International Mountain Day, UNICEF Birthday, World Candle Lighting Day and World Choral Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------Quirky things you may not know..............

*Most boat owners give names to their boats.  The most popular name is "Obsession."

*If you were to use letters to spell out numbers, in order, you wouldn't use the letter "a" until you got all the way to the number 1,000 ("one thousand").

*The only food that never spoils is honey.

*There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.

*Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots.

*What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, laser printers and windshield wipers have in common?  They were all invented by women.

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In 1870, Joseph H. Rainey of South Carolina became the first black lawmaker sworn into the U.S. House of Representatives.

In 1917, Father Edward Flanagan founded Boys Town outside Omaha, Nebraska.

In 1946, a United Nations committee voted to accept a six-block tract of Manhattan real estate offered as a gift by John D. Rockefeller Jr. to be the site of the U.N.'s headquarters.

In 2000, George W. Bush was transformed into the president-elect as a divided U.S. Supreme Court reversed a state court decision for recounts in Florida's contested election.

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Today-------------Former TV host Bob Barker is 88, Former New York City Mayor Edward Koch is 87, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob Pettit is 79, Singer Connie Francis is 74, Singer Dionne Warwick is 71, Rock singer-musician Dickey Betts is 68, Former race car driver Emerson Fittipaldi is 65, Actor Wings Hauser is 64, Actor Bill Nighy is 62 and Country Singer LaCosta is 61.

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December 12th is:  Poinsettia Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------hah..............

Poor Ole died.  He was a good fisherman.  His widow, Lena, went to the local newspaper to put a notice in the obituaries column.  The clerk at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust say, 'Ole died.'"

The clerk said, "That's it?  Just 'Ole died'?  Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say.  If it's money you're concerned about, don't worry.  You get five words for the same price as two words."

Lena pondered for a moment, then said, "OK, you yust put, 'Ole died.  Boat for sale.'"

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In 1946, the United Nations General Assembly voted to establish U.N. headquarters in New York.

In 1985, Wilma Mankiller became the first woman to lead a major American Indian tribe as she took office as principal chief of the Cherokee Nation of Oklahoma.

In 1986, the experimental aircraft Voyager, piloted by Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager, took off from Edwards Air Force Base in California on the first non-stop, non-refueled flight around the world.

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Today-----Jazz musician Clark Terry is 91, Actor Hal Williams is 73, Actress-singer Jane Birkin is 65, Actress Patty Duke is 65, Pop singer Joyce Vincent-Wilson (Tony Orlando and Dawn) is 65, Entertainment executive Michael Ovitz is 65, Actress Dee Wallace is 63, Rhythm-and-blues singer Ronnie McNeir (The Four Tops) is 62 and Rock musician Cliff Williams (AC/DC) is 62.

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December 14th is:  Monkey Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------yep..............

Hubby arrives home from work, in a rush, and yells, "Quick, honey pie, bring me a beer before it starts."

His wife brings him a beer.

Not even ten minutes later, he shouts again, "Buttercup, please bring me another beer before it starts."

She brings him another beer.

Maybe 15 minutes later, he calls out, "Sweetkins, bring me another beer, quick, before it starts."

She brings the beer, but takes him to task.  "For crying out loud," she says, "why are you drinking so much?  And why can't you wait on yourself?  And why don't you get up off your chair and help ME now and then?  I have a long list of chores for you to do.  Would you like to hear them now?"

Hubby mutters, "And so it starts."

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In 1791, the Bill of Rights went into effect following ratification by Virginia.

In 1890, Sioux Indian Chief Sitting Bull and 11 other tribe members were killed in Grand River, S.D., during a confrontation with Indian police.

In 1938, groundbreaking for the Jefferson Memorial took place in Washington with President Franklin D. Roosevelt taking part in the ceremony.

In 1939, the motion picture "Gone With The Wind" had its world premiere in Atlanta.

In 1944, a single-engine plane carrying bandleader Glenn Miller, a major in the U.S. Army Air Forces, disappeared over the English Channel while en route to Paris.

In 1971, the Secret Service appointed its first five female special agents.

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Today-------------Actor-comedian Tim Conway is 78, Singer Cindy Birdsong (The Supremes) is 72, Rock musician Dave Clark (The Dave Clark Five) is 69, Actor Don Johnson is 62 and Actress Melanie Chartoff is 61.

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December 15th is:  Bill of Rights Day and Cat Herders Day.

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Larryj