another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------------------whoooooops!

A nun gets into a cab, and the cab takes off.  The driver keeps staring at her in the rear-view mirror.  Finally, she asks him why.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

The nun says, "My son, you cannot offend me.  I have seen and heard everything."

The cab driver says, "Well, I always felt that I would be truly blessed if a nun would kiss me."

The nun says, "Are you single?  And a Catholic?"

The cab driver says, enthusiastically, "Yes!  I am both!"

The nun says, "OK, stop the cab."  She gets out, walks over to the driver's side, plants a whopper of a kiss on the cab driver, then returns to the back seat.  The cab takes off again, but the nun notices that the driver is weeping.

She says, "My dear child, what is the matter?"

The cab driver says, "Forgive me, for I have sinned.  I'm married and I am a Protestant."

The nun says, "That's OK.  I'm on my way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

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In 1890, the Daughters of the American Revolution was founded in Washington. D.C.

In 1910, Theodore Roosevelt became the first U.S. president to fly in an airplane during a visit to St. Louis.

In 1961, actor-comedian Leonard "Chico" Marx, 74, died in Hollywood.

In 1984, space shuttle Challenger astronaut Kathryn Sullivan became the first American woman to walk in space.

In 1986, President Ronald Reagan and Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev opened two days of talks concerning arms control and human rights in Reykjavik, Iceland.

In 1991, comedian Redd Foxx died in Los Angeles at age 68.

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Today------------Author Elmore Leonard is 86, Actor Earle Hyman is 85, Former U.S. Defense Secretary William Perry is 84, Actor Rob Leibman is 74, Actor Amitabh Bachchan is 69, Country singer Gene Watson is 68, Actress-director Catlin Adams is 61 and Country singer Paulette Carlson is 60.

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October 11th is:  National Coming Out Day and National Face Your Fears Day.

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Larryj

[Judy Harder]

LOL thanks. That was perfect!

[Ms Bear]

That was a good one.

[larryJ]

Today's-------------for all the third graders, or whoever.............

Halloween Q&A

Q:  What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
A:  I'll have a beer and a mop.

Q:  What is like to be kissed by a vampire?
A:  It's a pain in the neck.

Q:  Why aren't ghosts ever arrested?
A:  It's tough to pin anything on them.

Q:  Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A:  He had no body to dance with.

Q:  Why do vampires need mouthwash?
A:  They have bat breath.

Q:  Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
A:  They're so wrapped up in themselves.

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In 1492, (according to the Old Style calendar), Christopher Columbus arrived with his expedition in the present-day Bahamas.

In 1933, bank robber John Dillinger escaped from a jail in Allen County, Ohio, with the help of his gang, who killed the sheriff, Jess Sarber.

In 1971, the rock opera "Jesus Christ Superstar" opened at the Mark Hellinger Theatre on Broadway.

In 2000, 17 sailors were killed in a suicide bomb attack on the destroyer USS Cole in Yemen.

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Today--------------------Actress Antonia Rey is 84, Comedian-activist Dick Gregory is 79, Former Sen. Jake Garn, R-Utah, is 79, Singer Sam Moore (of Sam and Dave) is 76, Broadcast Journalist Chris Wallace is 64 and Actress-singer Susan Anton is 61.

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October 12th is:  International Top Spinning Day, Emergency Nurses Day, National Bring Your Teddy Bear To School Or Work Day, Free Thought Day and International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Yup,third grade jokes for sure. Love 'em.

[larryJ]

Today's----------------

The chief's youngest son came to him and asked, "How did you and mother decide what to call me?"

The chief smiled and answered, "The Ancient Spirits guided us to choose names inspired by nature.  For example, when your older brother was born, I walked outside and saw a grizzly rolling and playing in the field over there.  The beast was happy and carefree.  I took it as an omen.  We named your brother Tumbling Bear."

The boy said, "What about my sister?"

The chief said, "When she was born, I walked outside and saw a buck jumping over the creek.  It was a beautiful morning.  We named your sister Leaping Deer.  Tell me, why do you ask these questions, Two Dogs Vomiting?"

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In 1974, longtime television host Ed Sullivan died in New York City at age 73.

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Today-------------Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is 86, Playwright Frank D. Gilroy is 86, Gospel singer Shirley Caesar is 73, Singer-musician Paul Simon is 70 and Singer-musician Sammy Hagar is 64

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October 13th is:  English Language Day, International Day For Natural Disaster Reduction, Navy Birthday and World Sight Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------more third grader jokes............Halloween style.............

Q:  What did the waiter say to the skeleton?
A:  Bone appetit!

Q:  How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire?
A:  So long, sucker!

Q:  What is a ghost's favorite band?
A:  The Boos Brothers.

Q:  Why does a cemetery have to keep a fence around it?
A:  Because people are dying to get in!

Q:  What do you give a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking?
A:  A pumpkin patch!

Q:  Where do vampires keep their savings?
A:  At the blood bank.!

Q:  Do werewolves have cousins?
A:  Yes, the what-wolves and the when-wolves.

Q:  What did Dracula say after reading this list?
A:  These jokes bite!

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In 1947, Air Force test pilot Charles E. (Chuck) Yeager broke the sound barrier as he flew the experimental Bell XS-1 (later X-1) rocket plane over Muroc Dry Lake in California.

In 1987, a 58-hour drama began in Midland, Texas, as 18-month-old Jessica McClure slid 22 feet down an abandoned well at a private day care center; she was rescued on Oct. 16.

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Today-----------Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop is 95, Country singer Melba Montgomery is 73, Fashion designer Ralph Lauren is 72, Singer Sir Cliff Richard is 71, Actor Udo Kier is 67 and Singer-musician Justin Hayward (The Moody Blues) is 65.

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October 14th is:  Alternative Fuel Day, Be Bald and Be Free Day and Clergy Appreciation Day.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

What is a ghost's favorite color?
   Boo, of course!

[larryJ]

Today's---------I had to attend a celiac support meeting this morning.  I tried to get this in before I left, two times, and lost it both times.  Third time is charm, "they" say.

After the funeral for her husband, Alice is having lunch with her friend, Annie.  Annie asks Alice if her husband left her adequately provided for, financially.

Alice:  "He had a $500,000 life insurance policy, but I've spent most of it already."
Annie, shocked, "Already?  How is that possible?"
Alice:  "Well, the funeral costs came to $10,000  and I paid more than $450,000 for a memorial stone."
Annie:  "Wow!  $450,000!  That must be an incredible stone!"
Alice:  "Oh, yes!  It's 12 carats!"

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In 1860, 11-year-old Grace Bedell of Westfield, NY, wrote a letter to presidential candidate Abraham Lincoln, suggesting he could improve his appearance by growing a beard.

In 1951, the classic situation comedy "I Love Lucy" premiered on CBS with the episode "The Girls Want to Go to the Nightclub."

In 1991, despite sexual harassment allegations by Anita Hill, the Senate narrowly confirmed the nomination of Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court, 52-48.

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Today------------Former auto executive Lee Iacocca is 87, Jazz musician Freddy Cole is 80, Singer Barry McGuire is 76, Actress Linda Lavin is 74, Rock musician Don Stevenson (Moby Grape) is 69, Actress-director Penny Marshall is 68, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Jim Palmer is 66, Singer-musician Richard Carpenter is 65, Actor Victor Banerjee is 65 and Tennis player Roscoe Tanner is 60.

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October 15th is:  National Clean Your Virtual Desktop Day, International Day of Rural Women, National Grouch Day, I Love Lucy Day, National Cake Decorating Day, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day and White Cane Safety Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------hah......

A boy watched his father, the church pastor, writing his weekly sermon.

After awhile the boy asked, "How do you know what to say?"

His father paused, smiled and answered, "Why, God tells me."  Then he went back to writing.

The boy watched in silence for  a moment, but then asked, "Does God ever get mad at you?"

Father, startled, replied, "Why would God get mad at me?"

The boy said, "Well, you keep crossing out the things he tells you."

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In 1859, radical abolitionist John Brown led a group of 21 men in a raid on Harpers Ferry in western Virginia.  (Ten of Brown's men were killed and five escaped.  Brown and six followers ended up being captured; all were executed.)  (ed. note-adds up to 22?)

In 1901, Booker T. Washington dined at the White House as the guest of President Theodore Roosevelt, whose invitation to the black educator sparked controversy.

In 1962. the Cuban missile crisis began as President John F. Kennedy was informed that reconnaissance photographs had revealed missile bases in Cuba.

In 1987, a 58 1/2 hour drama in Midland. Texas, ended happily as rescuers freed Jessica McClure, 18-month old girl trapped in an abandoned well.

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Today-------Actress Angela Landsbury is 86, Author Gunter Grass is 84, Former presidential adviser Charles W. Colson is 80, Actor-producer Tony Anthony is 74, Actor Barry Corbin is 71, Sportscaster Tim McCarver is 70, Rock musician C.F. Turner is 68, Rock-singer-musician Bob Weir is 64, Producer-director David Zucker is 64 and Actress Suzanne Somers is 65.

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October 16th is:  Dictionary Day, World Food Day, National Feral Cat Day, World Toy Camera Day and Natianal Sunday School Teacher Day.

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Larryj