another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------HA HA.........................

A fisherman, standing waist-high in a lake, runs out of bait.  A snake swims by with a dead frog in its mouth.  The fisherman impulsively grabs the snake by the back of the head, forces open its mouth and shakes out the frog.  Worried about the snake attacking him when he releases it, he fishes around in his gear, finds a bottle of bourbon, pours a couple of shots down the snake's throat, then tosses it as far away as he can.  He cuts up the frog, starts fishing with the frog bait, and the fish start hitting like crazy.  He hauls in one after another!  He's as happy as can be, until the frog bait runs out.  Then he's sad.  But just then the snake returns and pauses expectantly right in front of him.  This time the snake has two dead frogs in his mouth.

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In 1892, an early version of "The Pledge of Allegiance," written by Francis Bellamy, appeared in "The Youth's Companion."

In 1900, Galveston, Texas, was struck by a hurricane that killed an estimated 8,000 people.

In 1921, Margaret Gorman, 16, of Washington, D.C., was crowned the first "Miss America" in Atlantic City, NJ.

In 1935, Sen. Huey P. Long, D-La., was shot and mortally wounded inside the Louisiana State Capitol; he died two days later.  (The assailant was identified as Dr. Carl Weiss, who was gunned down by Long's bodyguards.)

In 1974, President Gerald R. Ford granted an unconditional pardon to former President Richard Nixon.

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Today--------------Comedian Sid Caesar is 89, Ventriloquist Willie Tyler is 71, Actor Alan Feinstein is 70, Pop singer Sal Valentino (The Beau Brummels) is 69, Author Ann Beattie is 64 and Cajun singer Zachary Richard is 61.

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September 8th is:  International Literacy Day, Virgin Mary Day and World Physical Therapy Day,

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Larryj

[Warph]

LOL..... sounds like something Slappy would do, the old snake

[larryJ]

Today's--------------old, repeat, from the archives.................

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

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In 1776, the second Continental Congress made the term "United States" official, replacing "United Colonies."

In 1850, California became the 31st state of the Union.

In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the first civil rights bill to pass Congress since Reconstruction.

In 1971, prisoners seized control of the maximum-security Attica Correctional Facility near Buffalo, NY., beginning a siege that ended up claiming 43 lives.

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Today------------Actor Cliff Robertson is 88, Actress Sylvia Miles is 77, Actor Topol is 76, Rhythm-and-blues singer  Luther Simmons is 69, Singer Inez Foxx is 69, Singer Dee Dee Sharp is 66, Rock singer-musician Doug Ingle is 65, Country singer Freddy Weller is 64, College Football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player Joe Theismann is 62, Rock musician John McFee (The Doobie Brothers) is 61 and Actor Tom Wopat is 60.

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September 9th is:  Wonderful Weirdos Day and Stand Up To Cancer Day.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Old, repeated and very much worth hearing again!

[larryJ]

@Diane, yeah, and would you believe that was the joke that was in the paper today!  What are the chances of that?

Today's-------------------hah.............

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

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In 1608, John Smith was elected president of the Jamestown colony council in Virginia.

In 1813, an American naval force commanded by Oliver H. Perry defeated the British in the Battle of Lake Erie during the War of 1812.

In 1846, Elias Howe received a patent for his sewing machine.

In 1919, New York City welcomed home Gen. John J. Pershing and 25,000 soldiers who'd served in the U.S. First Division during World War I.

In 1963, 20 black students entered Alabama public schools following a standoff between federal authorities and Gov. George C. Wallace.

In 1979, four Puerto Rican nationalists imprisoned for a 1954 attack on the U.S. House of Representatives and a 1950 attempt on the life of President Harry S. Truman were freed from prison after being granted clemency by President Jimmy Carter.

In 1987, Pope John Paul II arrived in Miami, where he was greeted by President and Mrs. Reagan as he began a 10-day tour of the United States.

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Today-----Golfer Arnold Palmer is 82, Actor Philip Baker Hall is 80, Actor Greg Mullavey is 72, Singer Jose Feliciano is 66, Former Canadian first lady Margaret Trudeau is 63, Political commentator Bill O'Reilly is 62 and Rock musician Joe Perry is 61.

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September 10th is:  Farmer's Consumer Awareness Day, National Lacemaking Day, Swap Ideas Day and (World) Suicide Prevention Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------ouch...........

Man looks up from the newspaper, shakes his head, and says, "I'll never understand how the biggest jerks get the most beautiful wives.

His wife, sitting nearby, replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"

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In 1936, Boulder Dam (now Hoover Dam) began operation as President Franklin D. Roosevelt  pressed a key in Washington to signal the start-up of the dam's first hydroelectric generator.

On September 11, 2001, America saw its worst day of terrorism as 19 al-Qaida terrorists hijacked four passenger jetliners.  Two smashed into New York's World Trade Center, causing the twin towers to fall; one jetliner plowed into the Pentagon; and the fourth was crashed into a field in western Pennsylvania.  In all, nearly 3,000 people were killed.

In 2003, actor John Ritter died six days before his 55th birthday at Providence St. Joseph Medical Center in Burbank -- the same hospital where he was born in 1948.

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Today----------Actress Betsy Drake is 88, Sen. Daniel Akaka, D-Hawaii, is 87, Actor Earl Holliman is 83, Comedian Tom Dreesen is 72, Movie director Brian De Palma is 71, Rock singer-musician Jack Ely is 68, Rock musician Mickey Hart is 68, Singer-musician Leo Kottke is 66, Actor Philip Alford is 63 and Actress Amy Madigan is 61.

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September 11th is:  Patriot Day, Remembrance Day, National Grandparents Day, Libraries Remember Day and National Hug Your Hound Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------makes sense..........

A preacher dies and joins the line at the pearly gates.  There's just one guy ahead of him.

St. Peter welcomes that guy and says, "Name and occupation?"

"I'm Jack, retired airline pilot."

St. Peter consults his list, smiles, and waves him in.  "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom!" he says.

Next, it's the preacher's turn.  He steps forward boldly and says, "I'm Bob, a church pastor for almost 50 years!"

St. Peter checks his list and says, "Welcome, Bob.  Please take this cotton robe and this wooden staff and enter the Kingdom!"

"Hey, wait a minute," the preacher says.  "That pilot got first-class stuff.  I'm a minister of God.  Why do I get this cut-rate stuff?"

St. Peter says, "We judge by results.  When you preached, people slept.  When he flew, people prayed."

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In 1960, Democratic presidential candidate John F. Kennedy addressed questions about his Roman Catholic faith, telling a Southern Baptist group, "I do not speak for my church on public matters, and the church does not speak for me."

In 1992, the space shuttle Endeavour blasted off, carrying with it Mark Lee and Jan Davis, the first married couple in space; Mae Jemison, the first black woman in space; and Mamoru Mohri, the first Japanese citizen to fly on a U.S. spaceship.

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Today------------Actor Dickie Moore ("Our Gang") is 86, Actor Freddie Jones is 84, Country singer George Jones is 80, Actor Ian Holm is 80, Actress Linda Gray is 71, Singer Maria Muldaur is 69 and Actor Joe Pantoliano is 60.

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September 12th is:  National Boss/Employee Exchange Day and Video Games Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------uh oh.....................

The artist received a call from the gallery.  The gallery owner said, "I have good news and bad news.  A man came in and asked me if paintings go up in value after the artist dies.  I said yes.  He looked around, then bought every one of your paintings."

The artist said, "That's weird.  So, what's the bad news?"

The gallery owner replied, "It was your doctor."

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In 1948, Republican Margaret Chase Smith of Maine was elected to the U.S. Senate; she became the first woman to serve in both houses of Congress.

In 1959, Elvis Presley first met his future wife, 14-year-old Priscilla Beaulieu, while stationed in West Germany with the U.S. Army.  (They married in 1967, but divorced in 1973.)

In 1971, a four-day rebellion at the Attica Correctional Facility in western New York ended as police and guards stormed the prison; the ordeal and final assault claimed a total of 43 lives -- 32 inmates and 11 employees.

In 1989, Fay Vincent was elected commissioner of Major League Baseball succeeding the late A. Bartlett Giamatti.

In 1996, rapper Tupac Shakur died at a Las Vegas hospital six days after he was wounded in a drive-by shooting; he was 25.

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Today-----------Actress Barbara Bain is 80, Actress Eileen Fulton ("As the World Turns") is 78, TV producer Fred Silverman is 74, Rock singer David Clayton-Thomas (Blood, Sweat and Tears) is 70, Actress Jacqueline Bissett is 67, Singer Peter Cetera is 67 and Actress Christine Estabrook is 61.

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September 13th is:  International Chocolate Day and National Celiac Awareness Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's.............got that right..............

A boastful man was holding forth at the club, boring everyone with a long-winded account of his own pre-eminence.

"Furthermore," he said, his nose tilted in the air, "I'll have you know that my ancestors came over on the Mayflower."

One of his exasperated listeners rolled his eyes and replied, "Well, it's lucky they did.  The immigration laws are much stricter now."

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In 1814, Francis Scott Key was inspired to write a poem after witnessing how the American flag continued to fly over Maryland's Fort McHenry after a night of British bombardment during the War of 1812; that poem, "Defence of Fort McHenry," later became the lyrics to "The Star-Spangled Banner."

In 1981, the syndicated TV program "Entertainment Tonight" made its debut.

In 1982, Princess Grace of Monaco, formerly actress Grace Kelly, died at age 52 of injuries from a car crash the day before.

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Today---------Actress Zoe Caldwell is 78, Feminist author Kate Millet is 77, Actor Walter Keoenig is 75, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Larry Brown is 71, Singer-actress Joey Heatherton is 67, Actor Sam Neill is 64 and Rock musician Ed King is 62.

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September 14th is:  National Creme-Filled Donut Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------old, still funny............

Jacob, 92, and Rebecca, 89, are engaged.  They stop in at the drug store and have a talk with the pharmacist.

Jacob:  "We're about to get married.  Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist:  "Of course we do."
Jacob:  "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist:  "All kinds."
Jacob:  "Arthritis and rheumatism?"
Pharmacist:  "Definitely."
Jacob:  "Memory problems?"
Pharmacist:  "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob:  "Do you sell walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist:  "We certainly do."
Jacob:  "Excellent.  If you will give us the paperwork, we would like to sign up for your bridal registry."

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In 1776, British forces occupied New York City during the American Revolution.

In 1950, during the Korean conflict, United Nations forces landed at Inchon in the south and began their drive toward Seoul.

In 1961, the United States began Operation Nougat, a series of underground nuclear explosions in the Nevada Test Site, two weeks after the Soviet Union resumed testing its nuclear weapons.

In 1963, four black girls were killed when a bomb went off during Sunday services at the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama.  (Three Ku Klux Klansmen were eventually convicted for their roles in the blast.)

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Today-----------------Actor Forest Compton is 86, Comedian Norm Crosby is 84, Actor Henry Darrow is 78, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Gaylord Perry is 73, Opera singer Jessye Norman is 66, Writer-director Ron Shelton is 66, Actor Tommy Lee Jones is 65 and Movie director Oliver Stone is 65.

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September 15th is:  Felt Hat Day, Greenpeace Day, International Day of Democracy and Google.com Day.

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Larryj