another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------------hah...........

A little old lady is sitting on a park bench in the retirement community.  A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman works up her courage and asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

The man replies, "I used to live here, but I was away for several years."

"Oh.  Where did you go?"

"I was in prison."

"Oh.  What did you do?"

"I killed my wife."

"Oh.  So you're single?"

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In 1886, at 9:51 p.m., an earthquake with an estimated magnitude of 7.3 devastated Charleston, S.C., killing at least 60 people, according to the U.S. Geological Survey.

In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed an act prohibiting the export of U.S. arms to belligerents.

In 1969, boxer Rocky Marciano died in a plane crash in Iowa, a day before his 46th birthday.

In 1986, 82 people were killed when an Aeromexico jetliner and a small private plane collided over Cerritos, CA.  (Note:  On that day, my family and I were headed south on the 605 freeway to spend the day in Huntington Beach with my brother-in-law.  As we passed through Cerritos, I could see a plume of smoke a few miles to the east of me.  It wasn't until we got to his house that we learned what had happened.)

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Today-------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Frank Robinson is 76, Actor Warren Berlinger is 74, Rock Musician Jerry Allison (Buddy Holly and the Crickets) is 72, Actor Jack Thompson is 71, Violinist Itzhak Perlman is 66, Singer Van Morrison is 66 and Actor Richard Gere is 62.

(Trivial notes on Jerry Allison:  In the late fifties, Buddy Holly and the Crickets were going nowhere.  Holly began writing songs like crazy, many of those never recorded.  Typical of his romantic fare was song that began as "Cindy Lou" but was changed to "Peggy Sue" at new Cricket Jerry Allison's suggestion.  ("Peggy Sue" was the future Mrs. Allison; they've since divorced.)  After Holly's death in a plane crash, Allison continued to perform with the Crickets.)

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August 31st is:  Love Litigating Lawyers Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------another hah.........

The old man needed heart surgery, and he insisted that it be performed by his son, an acclaimed heart surgeon.  The big day  came.  The old man was on the operating table, awaiting anesthesia.  His son walked in, scrubbed and ready  to go.

Dad:  "Hello, son.  How are you feeling this morning?"

Son:  "A little nervous, Dad."

The old man smiled.  "Just do your best," he said.  "Your mother and I aren't worried.  If something goes wrong, she'll come live with you and your family."

The operation was a success.

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In 1939, World War II began as Nazi Germany invaded Poland.

In 1972, American Bobby Fischer won the international chess crown in Reykjavik, Iceland, as Boris Spassky of the Soviet Union resigned before the resumption of game 21.

In 1995, a ribbon-cutting ceremony was held for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum in Cleveland.  (The hall opened to the public the next day.)

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Today-------------Former Defense Secretary Melvin R. Laird is 89, Actor George Maharis is 83, Conductor Seiji Ozawa is 76, Attorney and law professor Alan Dershowitz is 73, Comedian-actress Lily Tomlin is 72, Actor Don Stroud is 68, Conductor Leonard Slatkin is 67, Singer Archie Bell is 67, Singer Barry Gibb is 65, Rock musician Greg Errico is 63 and TV talk show host Dr. Phil McGraw is 61.

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September 1st is:  Chicken Boy's Day, Emma M. Nutt Day, National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day, Building and Code Staff Appreciation Day, Calendar Adjustment Day and Toy Tips Executive Toy Test Day.

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Larryj

[Ms Bear]

I guess that could be called major insurance....

[larryJ]

Today's............one of those "be careful what you wish for" things.......

Hubby was complaining to his wife, "You know, 40 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a junk car and an empty bank account, but I got to hang out every day and night with a beautiful young woman.  Today we have  a million-dollar mansion, three luxury cars and money in the bank, but I have to hang out with a wrinkled 63-year-old lady.  It's not fair."

His wife said, "No problem.  You can have it all again.  Start hanging out with a beautiful young woman, and you'll have the cheap apartment, the junk car and the empty bank account, too."

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In 1945, Japan formally surrendered in ceremonies aboard the USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay, ending World War II.

In 1945, Ho Chi Minh declared Vietnam an independent republic.  (Ho died on this date in 1969.)

In 1969, in what some regard as the birth of the Internet, two connected computers at UCLA passed test data through a 15-foot cable.

In 1986, a judge in Los Angeles sentenced Cathy Evelyn Smith to three years in prison for involuntary manslaughter for her role in the 1982 drug overdose death of comedian John Belushi.  (Smith served 18 months.)

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Today-----------Dancer-actress Marge Champion is 92, Jazz musician Horace Silver is 83, Former United States Olympic Committee Chairman Peter Ueberroth is 74, Rhythm-and-blues singer Sam Gooden (The Impressions) is 72, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Terry Bradshaw is 63, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Nate Archibald is 63 and Actor Mark Harmon is 60.

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September 2nd is:  Bison-ten Yell Day, V-J Day and National Lazy Mom's Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------this one is for Judy............

The pastor noticed little Alex staring up at the plaque that hung in the church foyer.  The plaque was engraved with several names, with little American flags next to each name.

The pastor said, "Good morning, Alex.  I see you're admiring our memorial plaque."

"Memorial plaque?"

"Yes, those are the names of the young men and women who have died in the service."

The pastor and the boy gazed at the plaque for a few more minutes.  Finally, Alex asked, with a trembling voice.  "Which service?  The 8:30 service or the 11:00 service?"

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In 1783, representatives of the United States and Britain signed the Treaty of Paris, which officially ended the Revolutionary War.

In 1861, during the Civil War, Confederate forces invaded the border state of Kentucky, which had declared its neutrality in the conflict; the incursion prompted the state Legislature to seek assistance from the Union.

In 1976, America's Viking 2 Lander touched down on Mars to take the first close-up, color photographs of the planet's surface.

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Today-------------"Beetle Bailey" cartoonist Mort Walker is 88, Actress Anne Jackson is 85, Actress Eileen Brennan is 79, Country singer Tompall Glaser is 78, Actress Pauline Collins is 71, Rock singer-musician Al Jardine is 69, Actress Valerie Perrine is 68 and Rock musician Donald Brewer (Grand Funk Railroad) is 63.

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September 3rd is:  Skyscraper Day and Uncle Sam's Birthday (1813).

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------old, still funny............

The old fellow on the bus was bragging to the stranger next to him.  "I don't smoke or drink, or eat rich foods, or go to clubs, or chase after women, and I'm about to celebrate my 85th birthday!"

The stranger said, "How?"

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In 1781, Los Angeles was founded by Spanish settlers under the leadership of Governor Felipe de Neve.

In 1886, a group of Apache Indians led by Geronimo (also known as Goyathlay, "One Who Yawns") surrendered to Gen. Nelson Miles at Skeleton Canyon in Arizona.

In 1957, Arkansas Gov. Orval Faubus used Arkansas National Guardsmen to prevent nine black students from entering all-white Central High School in Little Rock.

In 1957, Ford Motor Company began selling its ill-fated Edsel.

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Today------------Actress Mitzi Gaynor is 80, Singer Merald "Bubba" Knight (Gladys Knight and the Pips) is 69, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Raymond Floyd is 69, Actress Jennifer Salt is 67, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Tom Watson is 62, Rhythm-and-blues musician Ronald LaPread is 61, Actress Judith Ivey is 60 and Rock musician Martin Chambers (The Pretenders) is 60.

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September 4th is:  International Drive Your Studebaker Day, Oatmeal Day (4-5) and Newspaper Carrier Day.

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Larryj

[Ms Bear]

A burglar broke into a home. He heard a soft voice say,"Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again"Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around , saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said yes. He asked the parrot his name the parrot said, "Moses."The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"The parrot says "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus!"

[larryJ]

Today's----------------soccer moms............

During the game the coach called aside one of his youth soccer players.

"You understand what team effort is all about, right?"
"Right."
"You know that it's not as important who wins or loses, as how we play the game, right?"
"Yes."
"And you're aware that it's a bad idea to kick officials, curse at them and call them idiots, right?"
"Yes."
"And when I call you off the field, and send in a substitute, you know it's bad sportsmanship to call me a big dope, right?"
"Right."


"OK, good.  Now go over and explain all that to your mother."

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In 1774, the first Continental Congress assembled in Philadelphia.

In 1836, Sam Houston was elected president of the Republic of Texas.

In 1939, four days after war had broken out in Europe, President Franklin D. Roosevelt issued a proclamation declaring U.S. neutrality in the conflict.

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy signed legislation making aircraft hijackings a federal crime.

In 1975, President Gerald R. Ford escaped an attempt on his life by Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, a disciple of Charles Manson, in Sacramento.

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Today-------------Former Federal Reserve Board chairman Paul A. Volcker is 84, Comedian-actor Bob Newhart is 82, Actress-singer Carol Lawrence is 79, Actor William Devane is 72, Actor George Lazenby is 72, Actress Raquel Welch is 71, Movie director Werner Herzog is 69, Singer Al Stewart is 66, Actor-director Dennis Dugan is 65, College football Hall-of-Famer Jerry LeVias is 65, Singer Loudon Wainwright III is 65, "Cathy" cartoonist Cathy Guisewite is 61 and Actor Michael Keaton is 60.

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September 5th is:  Be Late For Something Day and Labor Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------been on here somewhere before, but one of my favorites..............

"Good morning," the vacuum cleaner salesman said to the lady who opened the door.  "May I have a few moments of your time?"

"Sorry, I can't afford it," the lady said, and attempted to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the salesman wedged his foot in the door and said, "Please.  This vacuum cleaner is amazing.  Allow me to demonstrate."

He leaned in, emptied a sack of steer manure in the entryway, and said, "Now, madam, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove every trace from your carpet, I personally will eat the remainder."

The lady gestured for him to come in.  "I'll get you a fork," she said.  "They cut off my electricity this morning."

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In 1901, President William McKinley was shot and mortally wounded by anarchist Leon Czolgosz at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, NY.  (McKinley died eight days later; he was succeeded by Vice President Theodore Roosevelt.  Czolgosz was executed in October 1901.)

In 1916, the first self-service store, Piggly Wiggly, was opened in Memphis, Tennessee, by Clarence Saunders.

In 1985, all 31 people aboard a Midwest Express Airlines DC-9 were killed when the Atlanta-bound jetliner crashed just after takeoff from Milwaukee's Mitchell Field.

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Today------------Comedian JoAnne Worley is 74, Country singer David Allan Coe is 72, Rock singer-musician Roger Waters (Pink Floyd) is 68, Actress Swoosie Kurtz is 67 and Comedian-actress Jane Curtin is 64.

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September 6th is:  Another Look Unlimited Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------A True Blue Fan....................

In the 1960's, when the rivalry between the Dodgers and the Giants was at its most intense, a Los Angeles woman died.  She had a son who lived locally and another son who lived in San Francisco.  The Los Angeles man went to the telegraph office to send an urgent wire to his brother in San Francisco.  He instructed that it read:

MOTHER DIED SUNDAY.  FUNERAL HERE FRIDAY.

The telegraph operator said, "That's only six words.  The minimum order is 10 words. You can add four more words for the same price."

The Los Angeles man thought for a moment, then said, "OK, put this at the end.  DODGERS 4, GIANTS 3."

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In 1892, James J. Corbett knocked out John L. Sullivan to win the world heavyweight crown in New Orleans in a fight conducted under the Marquess of Queensbury rules.

In 1968, feminists protested outside the Miss America pageant in Atlantic City, NJ.  (The pageant crown went to Miss Illinois, Judith Ford.)

In 1996, rapper Tupac Shakur was shot and mortally wounded on the Las Vegas Strip; he died six days later.

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Today------------Sen. Daniel Inouye, D-Hawaii, is 87, Jazz musician Sonny Rollins is 81, Actor Bruce Gray is 75, Singer Alfa Anderson (Chic) is 65, Actress Susan Blakely is 63, Singer Gloria Gaynor is 62, Actress Julie Kavner is 60 and Rock singer Chrissie Hynde (The Pretenders) is 60.

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September 7th is:  Google Commemoration Day, Grandma Moses Day, "Neither Rain nor Snow" Day and Salami Day.

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Larryj