another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------------whoops.........

The new boss planned to run a tight ship and he wanted everyone to know it.  "Listen up, folks," he said.  "Starting today, there's a new zero tolerance policy against slackers.  If you're working hard, it won't affect you.  If you're hardly working, you'll be gone.  Who understands me?  Let's see a show of hands."

Everyone raised their hands except a guy near the door who was slouching against the wall.  The boss decided to make an example of him.  He marched over and said, "Son, how much do you make a week?"

The young man didn't flinch.  He said, "$400."

The boss pulled out a money clip, peeled off four hundred-dollar bills, handed them over and said, "Here's a week's pay.  Get out. Don't come back."

The young man shrugged, took the money and walked out.

Satisfied that he had made his point, the boss turned to the others and said, "Does anyone want to tell me what that fellow did around here?"

After a long pause, a voice in back said, "He delivered pizzas."

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In 1926, silent film star Rudolph Valentino died in New York at age 31.

In 1960, Broadway librettist Oscar Hammerstein, 65, died in Doylestown, PA.

In 1989, in a case that inflamed racial tensions in New York, Yusef Hawkins, a 16-year-old black youth, was shot dead after he and his friends were confronted by a group of white youths in the Bensonhurst section of Brooklyn.

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Today-----------Actor Richard Sanders is 71, Ballet dancer Patricia McBride is 69, Singer Linda Thompson is 64, Actress Shelley Long is 62, Actor-singer Rick Springfield is 62, Queen Noor of Jordan is 60 and Actress Barbara Eden is 77.

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August 23rd is:  Day For The Remembrance Of The Slave Trade & It's Abolition and Valentino Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

gonna be one of those days............I typed this once and lost the Internet connection....and lost what I typed

Today's-------------a third grader for sure.............

Olaf and Sven spent most of the Swedish winter holed up in their cabin.  No one saw them for three months.  One day they burst out their front door and ran into the village, whooping and hollering.

"What happened?" cried one of the villages as a crowd gathered.

"Look!" Olaf shouted.  "We pieced together this jigsaw puzzle and it took only three months!"

Sven added excitedly, "It has to be a world record!"

The villager inspected the puzzle, doubtfully, then said, "Well, it doesn't look that difficult."

"Are you kidding?" Olaf said.  "The box says, '5 YEARS AND UP!'"

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In 79 A.D., long dormant Mount Vesuvius erupted, burying the Roman cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum in volcanic ash; an estimated 20,000 people died.

In 1981, Mark David Chapman was sentenced in New York to 20 years to life in prison for the murder of John Lennon.

In 1992, Hurricane Andrew smashed into Florida causing $30 billion in damage; 43 U.S. deaths were blamed on the storm.

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Today-------------Actor Kenny Baker ("Star Wars") is 77 and Actress Anne Archer is 64.

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August 24th is:  Pluto Demoted Day, Vesuvius Day (see above) and National Waffle Day.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

BOOOOO!

[Ross]

This just in: Scientists out of the national earthquake center have deternined there was no earthquake, I repeat, there was no earthquake, It was discovered that the actual cause of the ground moving was the Founding Fathers simultaneously turning over in their graves. The whitehouse is taking credit.

Our Goverment At Work: Senate Convened For 22 Seconds After D.C. Earthquake

by Josh Feldman | 11:37 am, August 24th, 2011
Yesterday's insane earthquake was an atypical event for East Coasters, and in response, a constitutionally-required session of the Senate was called. For about 22 seconds.

Yes, that's right. According to the New York Post, Sen. Chris Coons ran a special session in a conference room near Union Station. Nothing was discussed during the meeting, it was merely a formality, and ended after 22 seconds.

While such a concept might seem silly, the session was technically required by the Constitution because Congress hasn't formally recessed yet, and so cannot go three full days without convening. There has been no official word yet, but the rumor is this was the most productive session of Congress in three years.


Best Headline Ever? 'Bull Semen Forces Closure Of Interstate Ramp'
Ah, you got to love when a story is so ridiculous that reporters get flustered on live TV. That appears to be the case when Nashville's WKRN reported on the odd situation that morning on Interstate 65 South. Some strange canisters had fallen off a Greyhoud bus, spilled, and caused an "unpleasant odor." During the report, you can hear the immense inner turmoil going on in the voice of poor Jerry Barlar as he labors under the decision of how to describe the containers' contents on television. He finally settles on "some stuff for...medical...for livestock. Let's just leave it at that."
The WKRN news team was less tactful, headlining their piece: "Bull Semen Forces Closure Of Interstate Ramp."

This, of course, brings us to the best game of Would You Rather? ever:
Which would you rather clean up on a highway, a ton of spilled bull semen or 14 million bees?


This Exists: U.S. Marines In Afghanistan Ordered Not To Fart Audibly
In order for the nation-building operation in Afghanistan to be successful, most of those involved in the operation can agree that American soldiers on the ground need to express the maximum possible respect for the people and culture of the land, as Taliban sympathizers argue the U.S. forces are occupying without being welcome. This seems to be a bit of a stretch of that philosophy, however: Marines there have been told not to "fart audibly" in front of Afghans.

The Military Times reports that this order was reported recently, as some Afghans had expressed dismay at being exposed to such behavior:
So here's the news: audible farting has been banned for some Marines downrange because it offends the Afghans.

I know there are many things in the Afghan culture that don't seem normal to Americans and it's hard to spend seven months working in someone else's back yard. Still, the Marines I saw downrange are doing a pretty good job at trying to do the right thing around the Afghans.

They're not supposed to cuss because it could be misunderstood (that one goes out the window a lot). And they stay away from talking about politics, religion or girls because those topics could escalate into major disagreements (they can't communicate anyway because of the language barrier).

But farting? That's practically a sport. Ok, it's not soccer, but a good contest could open the door for cross-cultural exchanges, jokes and other gallows humor.

While the Times seem to put emphasis on the fact that it seems like some sort of extreme limitation of the Marines' freedom to ask them to stop farting, for this civilian the more interesting part of this discussion is the claim that it "offends the Afghans." Does it somehow not offend Americans? Obviously there is a difference between civilian and military culture, but it's a bit hard to imagine that American civilians would react any more positively to foreign troops entering their country and farting loudly all over the place. And then there's the timing– did it take a decade of war and rebuilding for the American military to figure this one out, or is it just the new crews going into the country that have made this a problem? As the report doesn't elaborate, we'll have to leave the answers to this questions to the imagination.

[larryJ]

Today's------------go figure............

Sign in a repair shop:  We can fix anything!  (Knock hard..............doorbell out of order.)
Sign at a laundromat:  Automatic washing machines!  Please remove your clothing when light goes out.
Sign in an office break room:  Whoever takes last cup of coffee must empty coffee pot and stand upside down on draining board.
Sign at a thrift shop:  We exchange anything and everything.  Bring the spouse along and get a great bargain.
Sign outside a health food store:  Closed due to illness.
Sign on restroom door:  Toilet out of order.  Use floor below.
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In 1718, hundreds of French colonists arrived in Louisiana, with some settling in present-day New Orleans.

In 1916, the National Park Service was established within the Department of the Interior.

In 1958, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed a measure providing pensions for former U.S. presidents and their widows.

In 1981, the U.S. spacecraft Voyager 2 came within 63,000 miles of Saturn's cloud cover, sending back pictures of and data about the ringed planet.

In 2009, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy died at age 77 in Hyannis Port, MA.

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Today---------Game Show host Monty Hall is 90, Actor Page Johnson is 81, Talk show host Regis Philbin is 80, Actor Tom Skerritt is 78, Jazz musician Wayne Shorter is 78, Author Frederick Forsyth is 73, Movie director John Badham is 72, Filmmaker Marshall Brickman is 70, Rhythm-and-blues singer Walter Williams (The O'Jays) is 69, Actor Anthony Heald is 67, Rock Musician Danny Smythe is 63, Rock singer-actor Gene Simmons is 62, Actor John Savage is 62, Rock singer Rob Halford is 60 and Actor Sean Connery is 81.

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August 25th is:  Kiss and Make Up Day and National Second-Hand Wardrobe Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------yes, sir, got it, sir!

The newspaper editor lectured the rookie reporter on the subject of libel. 

He said, "Be sure of what you write.  If you can't prove it, use words like alleged, reputed or charged.  Do you understand?"  The reporter nodded dutifully.

The following item appeared in the next day's newspaper.

"It has been claimed that a bridge luncheon was given by a group of individuals who are reputed to be ladies.  It is alleged that Mrs. Hortense Bolinsky served as hostess.  She claims to be the wife of Hubert Bolinsky."

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In 1910, Thomas Edison demonstrated for reporters an improved version of his Kinetophone, a device for showing a movie with synchronized sound.

In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. guaranteeing American women the right to vote, was certified in effect by Secretary of State Bainbridge Colby.

In 1958, Alaskans went to the polls to overwhelmingly vote in favor of statehood.

In 1961, the original Hockey Hall of Fame was opened in Toronto.

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Today-----Actress Francine York is 75, Singer Vic Dana is 69, Rhythm-and-blues singer Valerie Simpson is 65 and Pop singer Bob Cowsill is 62.

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August 26th is:  National Cherry Popsicle Day, National Dog Day and Women's Equality Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------old, still funny......

An old guy and a young man collide with their shopping carts at Wal-Mart.

"I'm so sorry," the old guy says.  "I'm looking for my wife and I guess I was distracted."

The young guy says, "That's OK.  I'm looking for my wife, too.  I can't seem to find here anywhere."

The old guy says, "Welll, maybe we can help each other out.  What does your wife look like?  I'll keep my eyes open."

The young guy says, "She's tall, with red hair and blue eyes.  Nice figure.  Long legs.  She's wearing short shorts.  So, what does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Who cares?  Let's look for yours!"

________________________________

In 1908, Lyndon Baines Johnson, the 36th president of the United States, was born near Stonewall, Texas.

In 1962, the United States launched the Mariner 2 space probe, which flew past Venus in Dec. 1962.

In 1989, the first U.S. commercial satellite rocket was launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida -- a Delta booster carrying a British communications satellite, the Marcopolo 1.

_________________________________

Today------Cajun-country singer Jimmy C. Newman is 84, Author Antonia Fraser is 79, Actor Tommy Sands is 74, Musician Daryl Dragon is 69, Actress Tuesday Weld is 68, Rock singer-musician Tim Boger is 67, Actress Marianne Sagebrecht is 66 and Country musician Jeff Cook is 62.

________________________________

August 27th is: Global Forgiveness Day, The Duchess Who Wasn't Day and Petroleum Day.

______________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------it's Sunday........and uh oh..........

A man and his preacher meet at the store.  They chat and the preacher says, "Say, how's that marriage counseling working out?"

The man says, "Good. My wife and I go out on dinner dates twice a week now."

The preacher says, "Great!"

The man says, "Yes, she goes out on Tuesdays and I go out on Fridays."

________________________________

In 1609, English sea explorer Henry Hudson and his ship, the Half Moon, reached present-day Delaware Bay.  (no huricane that time and contrary to popular belief, that wasn't Diane waving from the shoreline.)

In 1861, Union forces attacked two Confederate forts on the North Carolina OUter Banks.  (The Confederates surrendered the next day, giving the Union its first notable victory of the Civil War.)

In 1963, the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom took place in the nation's capital.  More than 200,000 people listened as the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his "I Have a Dream" speech at the Lincoln Memorial.

In 1968, police and anti-war demostrators clashed in the streets of Chicago as the Democratic national convention nominated Hubert H. Humphrey for president.

In 1990, an F5 tornado struck the Chicago area, killing 29 people.

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Today--------------Actor Ben Gazzara is 81, Actor Sonny Shroyer is 76, Actor Ken Jenkins is 71, Former Defense Secretary William S. Cohen is 71, Actor David Soul  is 68, MLB manager Lou Piniella is 68, Actress Barbara Bach (Daisy Mae) is 65 (!), Actress Debra Mooney is 64 and Singer Wayne Osmond is 60.

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August 28th is:  Crackers Over the Keyboard Day, Race Your Mouse Around the Icons Day and Radio Commericials Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------I really, really sincerely apologize for this one in advance.............

The mouse and his buddy the elephant are having drinks in a bar.  A beautiful giraffe walks in.  The mouse says, "I think I'm in love."  The elephant says, "I know her.  I'll introduce you."

The mouse and the giraffe hit it off and they go on a date.  The next day the mouse staggers into the bar and collapses into his chair.  The elephant says, "How did it go, little buddy?"

The mouse says, "It was the best date ever, but the necking almost killed me."

__________________________________________

In 1944, 15,000 American troops marched down the Champs Elysees in Paris as the French capital continued to celebrate its liberation from the Nazis.

In 1966, the Beatles concluded their fourth American tour with their last public concert at Candlestick Park in San Francisco.

In 2005, Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast near Buras, La., bringing floods that devastated New Orleans.  More than 1,800 people in the region died.

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Today------------Actor-director Lord Richard Attenborough is 88, Movie director William Friedkin is 76, Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., is 75, Actor Elliott Gould is 73, Movie-director Joel Schumacher is 72, TV personality Robin Leach is 70, Actor G.W. Bailey is 67 and Actor Ray Wise is 64.

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August 29th is:  According To Hoyle Day, National Sarcoidosis Awareness Day and More Herbs, Less Salt Day.

_________________________________________


Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------sometimes they can be cute.............

Police officer Briggs pulled into the school parking lot.  His canine partner, Jake, barked loudly in the back seat.  The officer and his dog had arrived to give a presentation in one of the classrooms.

As Officer Briggs got out of the squad car, he noticed that a little boy had approached.  Officer Briggs said hello.

The boy said hello in return, then pointed toward the back seat.  He said, "Is that a dog back there?"

Officer Briggs said, "Yes, it is."

The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Wow, what did he do?"

______________________________________________________

In 1861, Union Gen. John C. Fremont instituted martial law in Missouri and declared slaves there to be free.  (However, Fremont's emancipation order was countermanded by President Abraham Lincoln.)

In 1905, Ty Cobb made his major-league debut as a player for the Detroit Tigers, hitting a double in his first at-bat in a game against the New York Highlanders.  (The Tigers won, 5-3.)

In 1963, the "Hot Line" communications link between Washington and Moscow went into operation.

In 1967, the Senate confirmed the appointment of Thurgood Marshall as the first black justice on the U.S. Supreme Court.

In 1983, Guion S. Bluford, Jr. became the first black American astronaut to travel in space as he blasted off aboard the Challenger.

In 1997, Americans received word of the car crash that claimed the lives of Princess Diana, Dodi Fayed and their driver, Henri Paul.  (Because of the time difference, it was Aug. 31 where the crash occurred.)

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Today------------------Country singer Kitty Wells is 92, Opera singer Regina Resnik is 89, Actor Bill Daily is 84, Actress Elizabeth Ashley is 72, Actor Ben Jones is 70, Olympic gold medal skier Jean-Claude Killy is 68, Actress Peggy Lipton is 64, Comedian Lewis Black is 63 and Actor Timothy Bottoms is 60.

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August 30th is:  National Holistic Pet Day, National Toasted Marshmellow Day and Eid-Al Fitr Day.

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Larryj