another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------------appears it is going to be elephant joke week.........remember these?

Q:  Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A:  So they can hide in cherry trees.

Q:  How do you know there have been elephants in your refrigerator?
A:  There are footprints in the butter.

Q:  What is the difference between an elephant and a plum?
A:  An elephant is grey.

Q:  What did Jane say when she saw a herd of elephants in the distance?
A:  "Look!  A herd of plums in the distance!"  (Jane is color blind.)

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Om 1911, Harriet Quimby became the first woman to receive a U.S. pilot's certificate from the Aero Club of America.  (Her accomplishments included being the first woman to fly across the English Channel;  (she was killed in an accident in July 1912 at age 37.)

In 1966, Charles Joseph Whitman, 25, went on a shooting rampage at the University of Texas in Austin, killing 14 people.  Whitman was gunned down by police.

In 1981, the rock music video channel MTV made its debut.

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Today---------Cartoonist Tom Wilson (retired creator of "Ziggy") is 80, Actor Giancarlo Giannini is 69 and Basketball Hall-of-Famer Roy Williams is 61.

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August 1st is:  Girlfriends Day, Lughnasa, National Minority Donor Awareness Day, Ramadan (1-29), Respect For Parents Day, Rounds Resounding Day, Spiderman Day, U.S. Air Force Day and World Wide Web Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

In my quest to learn something new every day, besides cutting the ice from my gin and tonic, I looked up Lughnasa.  I found that the correct spelling is Lughnasadh.  It is a pagan day of celebration in Ireland to acknowledge the ripening fields and the harvest of those grains, etc.  (You know, my dentist was always on my case about chewing ice.  Thanks, Ms. Bear.)  Hmmm........Gin and ice will ruin your brain.............what about just the gin?  Oh yeah, it was the ice.  Got it.

Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

If you start elephant jokes it could go on for years!
 
Where do you find elephants?









Depends on where you lost them.

[Judy Harder]

I wasn't sure where to put this.....but I think this is the place. If not don't read it. LOL


I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the "right" and Liberals are called the "left.

By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible:

"A wise man's heart is at his right hand,
But a fool's heart at his left."

Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NKJV)
[NKJV Study Bible note:  In ancient thought, the right hand was the place of honor and favor, while the left hand was the reverse.]

Thus sayeth the Lord.   Amen

[larryJ]

Today's-------------don't know if I can handle elephant jokes for a whole week............

Q:  How can you tell if an elephant is under your bed?
A:  The ceiling is very close.

Q:  How do get four elephants into a Volkswagen?
A:  Two in the front and two in the back.

Q:  How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
A:  Put a slice of bread on each side and hide him in your lunch box.

Q:  Why are elephants wrinkled?
A:  Have you ever tried to iron one?

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In 1876, frontiersman "Wild Bill" Hickok was shot and killed while playing poker at a saloon in Deadwood, Dakota Territory, by Jack McCall, who was later hanged.  (Legend holds that Hickok died holding a pair of aces and a pair of eights, now known in poker parlance as "The Dead Man's Hand.")

In 1921, a jury in Chcago acquitted several former members of the Chicago White Sox baseball team and two others of conspiring to defraud the public in the notorious "Black Sox" scandal.

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Today---------------------Former Sen. Paul Laxalt, R-Nev, is 89, Actor Peter O'Toole is 79, Rock Musician Garth Hudson (The Band) is 74, Movie director Wes Craven is 72, Singer Kathy Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 68 and Actor Max Wright is 68.

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August 2nd is:  National Night Out.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

How can you make a sick elephant feel better?









Send it a get wellephant card.

[larryJ]

Today's------------------more 

Q:  How do you make an elephant float?
A:  Put it in a glass, add root beer and top with vanilla ice cream.

Q:  What does it mean when you see a bunch of elephants wearing pink sweatshirts?
A:  They're all on the same team.

Q:  How do you stop elephants from charging?
A:  Take away their credit cards.

Q:  What do you give a seasick elephant?
A:  Plenty of room.

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In 1943, Gen. George S. Patton slapped a private at an army hospital in Sicily, accusing him of cowardice.  (Patton was later ordered by Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower to apologize for this and a second, similar episode.

In 1966, comedian Lenny Bruce, 40, was found dead in his Los Angeles home.

In 1981, U.S. air-traffic controllers went on strike despite a warning from President Ronald Reagan that they would be fired, which they were.

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Today-------------Author P.D. James is 91, Football Hall-of-Fame coach Marv Levy is 86, Singer Tony Bennett is 85, Lifestyle guru Martha Stewart is 70, Movie director John Landis is 61, Actor Jay North ("Dennis, the menace") is 60, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Marcel Dionne is 60 and Actor Martin Sheen is 71.

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August 3rd is;  Watermelon Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------still more.......

Q:  What's gray and puts out forest fires?
A:  Smokey the Elephant.

Q:  Why are elephant feet shaped that way?
A:  To fit on lily pads.

Q:  What's red and white on the outside and gray and white on the inside?
A:  Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.

Q:  What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the cinema?
A:  You miss most of the movie.

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In 1892, Andrew and Abby Borden were axed to death in their home in Fall River, Mass.  Lizzie Borden, Andrew's daughter from a previous marriage, was accused of the killings but acquitted at trial.

In 1936, Jesse Owens of the U.S. won the second of his four gold medals at the Berlin Olympics as he prevailed in the long jump over German Luz Long, who was the first to congratulate him.

In 1944, 15-year-old diarist Anne Frank was arrested with her sister, parents and four others by the Gestapo after hiding for two years inside a building in Amsterdam.  (Anne died the following year at Bergen-Belsen.)

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Today--------------Journalist Helen Thomas is 91, Actor-comedian Richard Belzer is 67 and  Football Hall-of-Famer John Riggins is 62.

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August 4th is:  National Underwear Day, Coast Guard Day and National Chocolate Chip Day.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Can elephants jump higher than a lamp post?









Of course, lamp posts can't jump at all.              Actually neither can elephants.    

[doobie]

How do you hide an elephant in a strawberry patch?

Paint his toenails red