another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----------------another third grader joke..............

Last week, the doorbell rang so I went to answer it.  Standing there was a 6-foot-tall mosquito!  He punched me in the stomach, then left.

The next night, the doorbell rang.  I answered it and that same 6-foot-tall mosquito was there.  He slapped me in the face, kicked me in the shins, then left.

The third night, the doorbell rang.  I slowly opened the door and that same mosquito pushed his way in, grabbed me by the neck, threw me across the room, then left.

The next day, I went to the doctor to seek treatment for all my cuts, bruises and sprains.  I told him what had happened.

He listened intently, took notes, then nodded and said, "Yes, I've heard there's a nasty bug going around."

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In 1587, an English colony fated to vanish under mysterious circumstances was established on Roanoke Island off North Carolina.

In 1893, Wellesley College professor Katharine Lee Bates visited the summit of Pikes Peak, where she was inspired to write the original version of her poem "America the Beautiful."

In 1934, bank robber John Dillinger was shot to death by federal agents outside Chicago's Biograph Theater, where he had just seen the Clark Gable movie "Manhattan Melodrama."

In 1943, American forces led by Gen. George S. Patton captured Palermo, Sicily, during World War II.

In 1991, police in Milwaukee arrested Jeffrey Dahmer, who later confessed to murdering 17 men and boys.  (Dahmer ended up being beaten to death by fellow prison inmate.)

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Today-------------Former Majority Leader Bob Dole, R-Kan., is 88, Actor-comedian Orson Bean is 83, Fashion designer Oscar de la Renta is 79, Actress Louise Fletcher is 77, Game show host Alex Trebek is 71, Singer George Clinton is 70, Actor-singer Bobby Sherman is 68, Actor Danny Glover is 65, Actor-comedian-director Albert Brooks is 64 and Rock singer Don Henley is 64.

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July 22nd is:  Rat Catcher's Day, National Penuche Fudge Day and Spooners (Spoonerism) Day.

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Larryj

[Judy Harder]

I liked it!

[Diane Amberg]

My third graders would have loved that one. Thanks Larry.

[larryJ]

Today's--------------more of them para-------paraprs-------paraprosdokians, sent in by the readers of the paper.

I had amnesia once.  Or twice.

Protons have mass?  I didn't even know they were Catholic.

I know money can't make me happy.  All I ask for is a chance to prove it.

They told me I was gullible.  I believed them.

Being polite and courteous is the first rule of behavior.  Rule no. 2:  When trying to merge onto the freeway, forget Rule no. 1.

I heard swimming is good for the figure.  Then I saw a whale.

It's good to have both your feet planted firmly on the ground.  That is, after you have put them in your pants.

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In 1829, William Austin Burt received a patent for his "typographer," a forerunner of the typewriter.

In 1885, Ulysses S. Grant, the 18th president of the United States, died in Mount McGregor, NY, at age 63.

In 1996, at the Atlanta Olympics, Kerri Strug made a heroic final vault despite torn ligaments in her left ankle as the U.S. women gymnasts clinched their first-ever Olympic team gold medal.

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Today--------------Actress Gloria DeHaven is 86, Concert pianist Leon Fleisher is 83, Supreme Court Justice Anthony M. Kennedy is 75, Radio personality Don Imus is 71, Country singer Tony Joe White is 68, Rock singer David Essex is 64 and Singer-songwriter John Hall is 63.

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July 23rd is:  Gorgeous Grandma Day and Hot Enough For Ya Day. 

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------maybe another third, no, definitely a third grader joke.

Genealogical researchers recently have discovered that the great artist Vincent Van Gogh had quite a few interesting relatives.

An automaker:  U Gogh
A psychiatrist:  E Gogh
A neurologist:  Verti Gogh
A banker:  Wells Far Gogh
A dancer:   Gogh Gogh
A musician:  Bong Gogh
A casino worker:  Bing Gogh
A retired travel writer:  Winnie Bay Gogh

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(That's bad------------I'm sorry.)

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In 1866, Tennessee became the first state to be readmitted to the Union after the Civil War.

In 1974, the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that President Richard M. Nixon had to turn over subpoenaed White House tape recordings to the Watergate special prosecutor.

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Today-------------Actress Jacqueline Brooks is 81, Actor John Aniston is 78, Political cartoonist Pat Oliphant is 76, Comedian Ruth Buzzi is 75, Actor Mark Goddard is 75, Actor Chris Sarandon is 69, Comedian Gallagher is 65, Actor Robert Hayes is 64, Actor Michael Richards is 62 and Actress  WONDER WOMAN Lynda Carter is 60.

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July 24th is:  Cousin's Day, Mormon Pioneer Day, National Drive-thru Day, Tell An Old Joke Day and Parent's Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

'Today's------------you're gonna love this one..............

They symphony recently performed Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, which is a wonderful piece that has a part near the end in which the bass violins do nothing.  So, the bassists snuck offstage, out the back door, and next door to the local pub for a drink.

After gulping down a few stiff ones, one of them checked his watch and said, "Oh no, we only have 30 seconds to get back!"

Another bassist said, "Don't worry,  I tied down the last page of the conductor's score with string to give us a bit more time.  We'll be fine."

Later, the staggered back into the concert hall and took their places just as the conductor was busily working on the knot in the string so he could finish the symphony.

Someone in the audience asked his companion, "What's going on?  Is there a problem?"

His companion said,  "This is a critical point.

(GET READY....)

"It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score's tied, and the bassists are loaded."

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In 1866, Ulysses S. Grant was named General of the Army of the United States, the first officer to hold the rank.

In 1946, the United States detonated an atomic bomb near Bikini Atoll in the Pacific in the first underwater test of the device.

In 1960, a Woolworth's store in Greensboro, NC., that had been the scene of a sit-in protest against its whites-only lunch counter dropped its segregation policy.

In 1961, in a televised address on the Berlin Crisis, President John F. Kennedy announced a series of steps aimed at bolstering the military in the face of Soviet demands that Western powers withdraw from the German city's western sector.

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Today--------Actress Barbara Harris is 76 and Rock singer Jim McCarty is 68.

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July 25th is:  Merry-Go-Round Day and Thread The Needle Day.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Oh my Do they keep these joke writers locked up and only let them out for food when they come up with these crazy jokes? That's a real hoot! I love any kind of puns and word jokes!

[larryJ]

Today's---------------old, still funny.............

A sudden grass fire threatened the home of a wealthy ranch owner.  It was more than the rural county fire department could handle, so the volunteer fire department was called.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.  They rumbled straight toward the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped.  The volunteers jumped off the truck and started spraying water in all directions.  Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two parts that the county fire professionals were able to put out with ease.

Afterward, the professionals congratulated the volunteers on their heroic fire fight.  The grateful rancher thanked the volunteers for their selfless efforts in saving his home, and he insisted on writing them a donation check for $1.000.  A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department would do with the money.

"Well," the captain answered, "I reckon we'll start by getting the brakes on that fire truck fixed."

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In 1775, Benjamin Franklin became America's first postmaster-general.

In 1847, the western African country of Liberia, founded by freed American slaves, declared its independence.

In 1947, President Harry S. Truman signed the National Security Act, which created the National Military Establishment (later renamed the Department of Defense).

In 1971, Apollo 15 was launched from Cape Kennedy on America's fourth manned mission to the moon.

In 1989, Mark Wellman, a 29-year-old paraplegic, reached the summit of El Capitan in Yosemite National Park after hauling himself up the granite cliff six inches at a time over nine days.

In 1990, President George H.W. Bush signed the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990.

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Today------------Actress Marjorie Lord is 93, Singer Brenton Wood is 70, Rock star Mick Jagger is 68, Actress Helen Mirren is 66, Rock musician Roger Taylor (Queen) is 62 and Actress Susan George is 61.

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July 26th is:  One Voice Day.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Now Larry, fire fighters hate that one. Volunteer and "professional?" So we vollies are then "unprofessional?'' Not hardly.  Its paid and volunteer please!

[larryJ]

Disclaimer:  I don't write 'em, just repeat 'em.  Sorry, Diane.

Today's-----------------------Yes sir officer, sir.............

A cop stops a car for speeding on the freeway.  As he approaches the car from the rear, he notices the back seat is filled with penguins.  He tickets the driver for speeding and admonishes him to take the penguins to the zoo.

The next day the cop spots the same car, speeding along the freeway.  He pulls the car over, carefully approaches from the rear, and notices the same carload of penguins.

He challenges the driver.  "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo."

The driver says, "I did!  We had so much fun that today we're going to Disneyland!"

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In 1789, President George Washington signed a measure establishing the Department of Foreign Affairs, forerunner of the Department of State.

In 1909, during the first official test of the U.S. Army's first airplane, Orville Wright flew himself and a passenger, Lt. Frank Lahm, above Fort Myer, Virginia, for one hour and 12 minutes.

In 1940, Bugs Bunny made his "official" debut in the Warner Bros. animated cartoon "A Wild Hare."

In 1974, the House Judiciary Committee voted 27-11 to adopt the first of three articles of impeachment against President Richard M. Nixon, charging he had personally engaged in a course of conduct designed to obstruct justice in the Watergate case.

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Today--------------TV producer Norman Lear is 89, Actor Jerry Van Dyke is 80, Sportscaster Irv Cross is 72, Olympic gold medal figure skater Peggy Fleming is 63 and Singer Maureen McGovern is 62,

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July 27th is:  National Korean War Veterans Armistice Day, Barbie-in-a-Blender Day, Take Your Houseplant For A Walk Day and Walk On Stilts Day.

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Larryj