another slice of wry

[Diane Amberg]

It's really true!

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------and more..............

I always take life with a grain of salt.  Also, a slice of lemon and a double shot of tequila.

I love you so much that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I would have no choice.  I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

Have you ever noticed how fast the bus goes when you're running after it?  And how slow it goes when you're on it?

They say we learn from our mistakes.  So, why do some people have more than one child?

I'm so miserable without you.  It's almost like you're still here.

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In 1881, outlaw William H. Bonney, Jr., alias "Billy the Kid," was shot and killed by Sheriff Pat Garrett in Fort Sumner, NM.

In 1966,  eight student nurses were murdered by Richard Speck in a Chicago dormitory.

In 1976, Jimmy Carter won the Democratic presidential nomination at the party's convention in New York.

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Today---------------Actor Dale Robertson is 88, Actress Nancy Olson is 83, Actress Polly Bergen is 81, Former football player and actor Rosey Grier is 79, Actor Vincent Pastore is 65, Former music company executive Tommy Mottola is 65 and Actor Harry Dean Stanton is 85.

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July 14th is:  International Nude Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------some more..............

The hammered dulcimer player put on a good show.  I think I would have enjoyed it more if I had been hammered, too.

Try walking a mile in the other guy's shoes.  That way, you will have his shoes and a mile head start.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it's still on the list.

The early bird gets the worm.  But it's the second mouse that gets the cheese on the mousetrap.

Change is inevitable.  Except from a vending machine.

Imagine a world without war.  Then imagine us attacking it because it would be defenseless.

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In 1976, a 36-hour kidnapping ordeal began for 26 schoolchildren and their bus driver who were abducted near Chowchilla, CA., by three gunman and held in an underground cell.  (They escaped unharmed.)

In 1996, MSNBC, a 24-hour all-news network, made its debut on cable and the Internet.

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Today--------------Author Clive Cussler is 80, Actor Alex Karras is 76, Actor Ken Kercheval is 76, Actor Patrick Wayne is 72, Actor Jan-Michael Vincent is 67, Rhythm-and-blues singer Millie Jackson is 67, Singer Linda Ronstadt is 65 and Rock musician Artimus Pyle is 63.

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July 15th is:  Gummi Worm Day and Saint Swithin's Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------will these ever end............

My boss asked me how long I was going to be gone on vacation.  I said, "the whole time."

I installed a skylight in my apartment.  The upstairs neighbors are furious.

I went down to the 24-hour market and the guy was closing up.  I said, "Hey, your sign says you're open 24 hours," and he said, "Yes, but not in a row."

The pen is mightier than the sword.  If you're in a duel, though, go for the sword.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.  So I asked him, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

Sponges grow in the ocean.  Do you realize how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen?

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In 1790, a site along the Potomac River was designated the seat of the government; the area became Washington, D.C.

In 1935, the first parking meters were installed in Oklahoma City.

In 1945, the United States exploded its first atomic bomb near Alamogordo, NM.

In 1951, "The Catcher in the Rye" by J.D. Salinger was first published.

In 1969, Apollo 11 blasted off from Cape Kennedy on the first manned mission to the surface of the moon.

In 1999, John F. Kennedy, Jr., his wife, Caroline, and her sister, Lauren Bessette, died when their plane, piloted by Kennedy, plunged into the Atlantic Ocean.

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Today---------------------Soul singer Denise LaSalle is 77, Soul singer William Bell is 72, International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Margaret Court is 69, Violinist Pinchas Zukerman is 63 and Actor-singer Ruben Blades is 63.

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July 16th is:  Hot Dog Night, National Hot Dog Day, Cow Appreciation Day, Woodie Wagon Day and Toss The "Could Haves" And The "Would Haves" Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------no paraprosdokians............

It was a small town.  Everyone knew each other.

A dog ran into the butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.  The butcher recognized the dog.  It belonged to his neighbor, the lawyer.

He called the lawyer and said, "Hey, if your dog steals a roast from my butcher shop, are you liable for the cost?  It was $10."

The lawyer said, "Of course."

Sure enough, a few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $10.  He was pleased until he saw the attached letter.  It was an invoice for legal consultation fees:  $200.

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In 1944, during World War II, 320 men, two-thirds of them African-Americans, were killed when a pair of ammunition ships exploded at the Port Chicago Naval Magazine in California.

In 1955, Disneyland had its opening day in Anaheim, CA.

In 1961, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Ty Cobb died in Atlanta at age 74.

In 1975, an Apollo spaceship docked with a Soyuz spacecraft in orbit in the first superpower link-up of its kind.

In 1996, TWA Flight 800, a Europe-bound Boeing 747, exploded and crashed off Long Island, NY, shortly after leaving John F. Kennedy International Airport, killing all 230 people aboard.

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Today--------------Jazz singer Jimmy Scott is 86, Actor Donald Sutherland is 76, Actress-singer Diahann Carroll is 76, Rock musician Spencer Davis is 69, Rock musician Terry "Geezer" Butler is 62, Actress Lucie Arnaz is 60 and Comedian Phyllis Diller is 94.

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July 17th is:  National Ice Cream Day, Wrong Way Corrigan Day and Yellow Pig Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------oops

Tom, Dick and Harry were at a convention.  They went to a party downstairs at the hotel.  Afterward, they discovered that the elevators were out of order.  Their three-room-suite was on the 60th floor.

They made a plan, then started up the stairs.  For the first 20 floors, Tom would tell a scary story.  For the next 20 floors, Dick would tell a sad story.  For the final 20 stories, Harry would tell a funny story.

They were pretty winded by the time Tom finished his story, and they were gasping when Dick finished his story.  As they started up the final 20 flights of stairs, they turned to Harry and said, "OK, it's time for the funny story."

Harry said, "Boy, you're really gonna laugh when you hear this one.  I left the room keys down in the lobby."

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In 1792, American naval hero John Paul Jones died in Paris at age 45.

In 1947, President Harry S. Truman signed a Presidential Succession Act which placed the speaker of the House and the Senate president pro tempore next in line of succession after the vice president.

In 1969, a car driven by Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass) plunged off a bridge on Chappaquiddick Island near Martha's Vineyard; his passenger, 28-year-old Mary Jo Kopechne, drowned.

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Today-----------------Former Sen. John Glenn, D-Ohio, is 90, Skating champion and commentator Dick Button is 82, Movie director Paul Verhoeven is 73, Actor James Brolin is 71, Baseball executive Joe Torre is 71, Singer Martha Reeves is 70, Blues guitarist Lonnie Mack is 70, Actress Margo Martindale is 60 and Former President of South Africa Nelson Mandela is 93.

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July 18th is:  International Mandela Day, National Get Out Of The Doghouse Day and Global Hug Your Kid Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------third grader just for Diane.............

The old soothsayer always walked barefoot, which over the course of many years had produced very thick calluses on his feet.  He ate very little, just onions and a little bread and water.  He was very thin and frail.  And he had bad teeth.

They wrote a song about him.  Maybe you remember it:


Wait for it....................................











A Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis.

Larryj

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In 1961, TWA became the first airline to begin showing regularly scheduled in-flight movies as it presented "By Love Possessed", starring Lana Turner, to its first-class passengers.

In 1990, President George H.W. Bush joined former presidents Ronald Reagan, Gerald R. Ford and Richard M. Nixon at ceremonies dedicating the Nixon Library and Birthplace (since re-designated the Richard Nixon Presidential Library and Museum) in Yorba Linda, CA.

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Today----------------------Former Sen. George McGovern is 89, Actress Helen Gallagher is 85, Country singer Sue Thompson is 85, Country singer George Hamilton IV is 74, Singer Vikki Carr is 71, Country singer-musician Commander Cody is 67, Actor George Dzundza is 66, Rock singer-musician Alan Gorrie (Average White Band) is 65, Rock musician Bernie Leadon is 64, Actress Beverly Archer is 63 and Rock musician Brian May (Queen) is 64.

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July 19th is:  Flitch Day. 

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Larryj

[Wilma]

Maybe you should retire on that one, but don't you dare.

[larryJ]

Today's------------------Better than yesterdays..................

Three racehorses were bragging in the stable.

The first horse said, "I've been in 38 races, and I've never finished out of the top 3."

The second horse said, "You think that's something?  I've been in 30 races, and I've won all but two of them."

The third horse said, "That's nothing.  I've been in 20 races and I'm undefeated."

Just then a greyhound walked by, chuckled, and said, "I have you all beat.  I've been in 200 races and won every single one of them by at least five lengths."

There was a moment of silence, then the first horse said to the others................


"Wow!  A talking dog!"

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In 1917, the draft lottery in World War I went into operation.

In 1944, President Franklin D. Roosevelt was nominated for an unprecedented fourth term of office at the Democratic convention in Chicago.

In 1954, the Geneva Accord divided Vietnam into northern and southern entities.

In 1969, Apollo 11 astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin became the first men to walk on the moon after landing their lunar module.

In 1976, America's Viking 1 robot spacecraft made a successful, first-ever landing on Mars.

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Today----------------Actress-singer Sally Ann Howes is 81, Rockabilly singer Sleepy LaBeef is 76, Actress Diana Rigg is 73, Rock musician John Lodge (The Moody Blues) is 68, Country singer T.G. Sheppard is 67, Singer Kim Carnes is 66 and Rock musician Carlos Santana is 64.

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July 20th is:  National Lollipop Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------eeeeeeeee!

The passengers were all in their seats and watched as two men dressed as pilots approached the aircraft and went into the cockpit.  Both men were wearing dark glasses and carrying white canes.  The passengers nervously fidgeted waiting for a explanation to an obvious practical joke.

The plane starts down the runway and the passengers start reading, listening to music and using their computers when suddenly the plane veers off to the right and heads for the ocean.  Everyone screams and then the plane evens out and proceeds to fly smoothly.  The passengers relax and go back to their activities.

In the cockpit, one blind pilot turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days they are going to scream too late and we are all gonna die!"

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In 1861, during the Civil War, the first Battle of Bull Run was fought at Manassas, Virginia, resulting in a Confederate victory.

In 1925, the so-called "Monkey Trial" ended in Dayton, Tenn., with John T. Scopes convicted of violating state law for teaching Darwin's Theory of Evolution.  (The conviction was later overturned on a technicality.)

In 1930, President Herbert Hoover signed an executive order establishing the Veteran's Administration (later the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs.)

In 1969, Apollo 11 astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin blasted off from the moon aboard the ascent stage of the lunar module for docking with the command module.

In 1980, draft registration began in the United States for 19- and 20-year-old men.

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Today----------------------Singer Kay Starr is 89, Movie director Norman Jewison is 85, Former Attorney General Janet Reno is 73, Actress Patricia Elliot is 69, Actor David Downing is 68, Actor Edward Hermann is 68, Actor Leigh Lawson is 66, Actor Wendell Burton is 64, Actor Art Hindle is 63, Cartoonist Gary Trudeau is 63, Actor Robin Williams is 60 and Actor Jamey Sheridan is 60.

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July 21st is:  Legal Drinking Age Day.

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Larryj