New? and Improved? Laugh's for 2009

[Judy Harder]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler." 

[Judy Harder]

Will I Live to see 80?



I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'


'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'


Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?


'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'


'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'


'No, I don't,' I said.


He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'


'No,' I said


He looked at me and said,.... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

[Carl Harrod]

I hope this works:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egCeIwjIuZM&feature=channel_page

[Judy Harder]

that was so funny.....Thank you Carl.

God bless

[Diane Amberg]

WELL!!! My east coast sensibilities have been sorely injured...I laughed so hard I think I  hurt myself.

[Teresa]

I needed that! 

[Judy Harder]

Quote of the day:

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

[Judy Harder]

Two Swedes from Minnesota, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near
Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to
Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere
little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and
Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's
pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs
near Brainerd Lake .

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop
and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his
shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven
falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole
shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis
budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."


VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!


Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.

He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to
the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand
and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes
a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of
the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and
shoots the parrot.

Knute continues to plummet down and down until he
hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never
trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!


Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two
friends when Lars appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a
paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.

Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over
his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down
and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was
Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting ..
and now Lars, hengliding ......"


Dats all. Dere ain't no more!



  Watcha lookin' down here for? I told you dere's no more.!

 



--

[Judy Harder]

It was this little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was.
She replied, 'Happy Butt....'
The teacher said, 'Honey I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out. '
So she went to the principal's office and he asked, 'What's your name?'
And the little girl said, 'Happy Butt.'
The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all.
After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, 'Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt.'
Grinning from ear to ear, the girl then exclaimed, 'Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?!'

[Judy Harder]

Communications

Thought you'd enjoy this one.

YOU HAVE TO LOVE OUR MARINES!!!!!

Begin forwarded message:

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination. I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai

It's too good not to pass along.

The conversation went like this...


Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'


Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

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