You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Wake Up Call
An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour.

"No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp without an alarm clock."

"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"

[Judy Harder]

Collateral
I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.

"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.

"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."

[Judy Harder]

Military Intials

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read:"You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."

So I did.

[Judy Harder]

ID Card

The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.

"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.

"We burn it" was the answer.

"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.

"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it's destroyed."

[Judy Harder]

     

The Definition of Golf


*GOLF, n.*

GOLF, n.

[1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.

[2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind.

[3] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red.

[4] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.

[5] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.



GOLF CART, n.

[1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.



GOLFER, n.

[1] a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five;

[2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.

[Judy Harder]

Everything I Needed To Know In Life I Learned From A Jigsaw Puzzle

Don't force a fit. If something is meant to be, it will come together naturally.

When things aren't going so well, take a break. Everything will look different when you return.

Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration.

Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit, piece by piece.

When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back later (see above).

The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook.

Variety is the spice of life.  It's the different colors and patterns that make the puzzle interesting.

Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and order.

Don't be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are surprising.

Take time to celebrate your successes (even little ones).

Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can't be rushed.

[Judy Harder]

Babysitting
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping.  He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening.  "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that.  She ate all the bait."

[Judy Harder]

SPCA Rescue
"Hello, hello?" shrilled a spinsterish voice over the phone. "Is this the SPCA?"

"Yes."

"I want you to send somebody over right away."

"What's wrong?"

"There's a horrid magazine salesman sitting in a tree teasing my dog."

[Judy Harder]

Retirement Savings

Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami Beach, are getting ready to go out to dinner.

Shirley says, "Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?"

Abe says, "Do I care?"

A few minutes later Shirley says, "Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"

Abe says, "Who cares?"

A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, "Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"

Abe says, "Shirley, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't get moving, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special."

[Judy Harder]

Self-Evident Truths About Pets

* Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

* Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up.  Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

* Dogs have owners.  Cats have staff.

* Dogs shed, cats shred.

* I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

* No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

* Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

* I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

* Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

* We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

* Women and cats will do as they please ...  men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

* When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.