You Make Me Laugh

Started by Judy Harder, September 09, 2008, 06:55:31 AM

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Judy Harder

Visiting Grandma
Grandma, who appeared to become an ever-more intimidating personality as the years went on, was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex.  I am in apartment 14T.  There is a big panel at the door.  With your elbow push button 14T.  I will buzz you in.  Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow hit 14.  When you get out I am on the left.  With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" the grandson asked.

"You're coming empty handed ...  ?"

:angel:
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Judy Harder

Some Things You Can't Escape
A convict managed to escape from prison and his escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

So not to be captured, he ran through fields and traveled through back roads until he reached his wife's house.

When he reached the house, he rang the bell, his wife opened the door and screamed,

"You lousy bum!  Where have you been?  You escaped more than six hours ago!"

:angel:
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Judy Harder

Flower Request
"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums.  Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

:angel:
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Judy Harder

Country Refreshment
A man was on a long walk in the country.  He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink.

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.  There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.   The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly.  That's his bowl you're using."

:angel:
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Judy Harder

From the Beginning
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.  It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

:angel:
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Judy Harder

Amish Law
An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning.  An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his pasture.  The Amish man said, "No."

"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker.

As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.

As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish man hollered, "Show HIM your paper!"

:angel:
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Judy Harder

Office Culture
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently.  Everybody laughed loudly.  Everybody, that is, except Mike.

When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, "What's the matter, Mike?  No sense of humor?"

"My sense of humor is fine," he said.  "But I don't have to laugh.  I'm quitting tomorrow."

:angel:
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Judy Harder

State of the Pastor
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.  They came up with about 40 names.  He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

:angel:
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Judy Harder

No Stairs
An elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg.  As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.  Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.

"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.

"Yes," he replied.

"Thank goodness!" she said.  "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"
:angel:


Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Judy Harder

Tournament Weather
Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.

"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."

Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!

:angel:
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

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