You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

 
Do It Yourself
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.

"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

[Judy Harder]

Celebrating The Raise
My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise.

The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream.

As they continued home, my sister blurted out, "Isn't it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?"

Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window.

However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.

Her husband replied calmly, "Yes."

[Judy Harder]

Grandpa's Manners
"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady.

"What's to be proud of?" asked the old man.

The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa.

"How else can I catch my teeth???"

[Judy Harder]

Bagel Storm
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner.  The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door.  He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat.  But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels?  Nothing more?"

"That's right," answered the little man.  "One for me and one for Bernice."

"Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.

"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"

[Judy Harder]

Black Snake
It was the first camping experience for Jed.

As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods.  In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and dishevelled.

"What happened?" asked a fellow camper.

"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed.

The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly."

"Listen," groaned Jed, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!"

[Judy Harder]

Beauty Cosmetics
Todd's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Todd replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Todd interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

[Judy Harder]

Eclipse Memos
Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun.  This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes.  As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park.  Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information.  Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park.  This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes.  For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.  The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information.  This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse.  This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.  This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes.  This doesn't happen every day.  It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear.  It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

[Judy Harder]

Young Man's Disorder
A young man was visiting a psychiatrist, hoping to cure his eating and sleeping disorder.

"Every thought I have turns to my mother," he told the psychiatrist.

"As soon as I fall asleep and begin to dream, everyone in my dream turns into my mother.  I wake up so upset that all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."

The psychiatrist replied, "What, just one piece of toast for a big boy like you?"

[Judy Harder]

Cats and Dogs
*Cat's guide to caring for your human.*

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures.  And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years.  If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.

CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water.  Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.

COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.

FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.

MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.

TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.

Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

*AND*

*Mind Games for Dogs*

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU!

Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused.  (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3.  Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4.  Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'.  Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

5.  When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

6.  Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

7.  Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door.  Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

8.  When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

[Judy Harder]

Shy Visit To The Dentist
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up.

The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.

The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.

"How old are you?" No response.

The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?"

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?"