You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Battling Salons
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.

They put up a big bold sign which read:
"WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:
"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"

[Judy Harder]

Ahh . . . Friendship
A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: "I am perfectly well."

A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel...collect...on which he had to pay considerable charges.  Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:

"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

[Judy Harder]

Shoe Coverup
One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work.  Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.

Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat.  Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.  With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot.  That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

[Judy Harder]

 

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.


And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'



And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.




After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.


And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.


And Adam and Eve learned humility. 



And they were greatly improved.


And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.


And Cat . . .

didn't give a sh***t one way or the other. 
 

[Judy Harder]

Tips For Student Pilots
1.  Takeoffs are optional.  Landings are mandatory.

2.  If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.  If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.

3.  Flying isn't dangerous.  Crashing is dangerous.

4.  It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5.  The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6.  The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool.  When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7.  When in doubt, hold on to your altitude.  No one has ever collided with the sky.

8.  A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away.  A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9.  Learn from the mistakes of others.  You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10.  You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11.  The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.  Large angle of arrival equals a small probability of survival -- and vice versa.

12.  Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13.  Stay out of clouds.  The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.

14.  Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

15.  There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

16.  You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.  The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17.  Keep looking around.  There's always something you've missed.

18.  If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19.  In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20.  Good judgment comes from experience.  Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21.  It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22.  There are old pilots and there are bold pilots.  There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

23.  Remember, gravity is not just a good idea.  It's the law.  And it's not subject to repeal.

24.  Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.

25.  The three most useless things to a pilot are altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

And a bonus tip:

Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

[Judy Harder]

Vacuum Manure
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man.  "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady.  "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.  "Don't be too hasty!" he said.  "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

[Judy Harder]

Why Teachers Go Gray
These are reported to be actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

[Judy Harder]

Pygmy Hunter
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it.

Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"

The pigmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

"I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."

[Judy Harder]

Marriage Wakeup
As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

"They're so thoughtful," Barb said.  "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married.  On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked on David's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed.

"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"

"It sure does," replied David.  "And I take after my mom."

 

[Judy Harder]

Laws of Computing
* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

* When the going gets tough, upgrade.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

* To err is human .  .  .  To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

* The number one cause of computer problems?  Computer solutions offered by family members.

And if I may add - The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don't understand is:

"I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard."