You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Things Not To Say When Hanging The Lights

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?  The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering.

We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

--"You've got two red lights right next to each other, goober.  You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

--"Up a little higher. You can reach it.  Go on, try."

--"What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year?  Tie them in knots?"

--"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids.  I'm going to fry that sucker."

--"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all.  Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles.  You're worse than your father."

--"Give me that."

--"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down.  The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

--"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!."

--"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"

--"Have you been drinking?"

--"Where's the cat?"

[Judy Harder]

 
The 12 Bugs of Christmas
Too many of us have had to deal with software problems and support like this!

The 12 Bugs of Christmas - A Software Developers' Version

1. For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
See if they can do it again.

2. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

3. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

4. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

5. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

6. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

7. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

8. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

9. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

10. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

11. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

12. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

[Judy Harder]

Gifts For Men
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.  Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill.  It does not matter if he already has one.  I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain.  As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it.  Men love saying those two words.  "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?"  "OK.  By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car.  A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror.  Men love gifts for their cars.  No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks.  Do not buy men ties.  And never buy men bathrobes.  I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.  If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner.  Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant.  I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers.  Almost as good as cordless drills.  Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere.  "Socks. Shorts. Cups.  Saucers.  Door.  Lock.  Sink."  You get the idea.  No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box.  It will ruin his day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire.  NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.  It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is.  "From NAPA Auto, eh?  Must be something I need.  Hey!  Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane?  Wow! Thanks."

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger.  That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue.  Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank.  Tell him the gas line leaks.  "Oh the thrill!  The challenge!  Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a football game are a smart gift.  However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws.  Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw.  If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label-maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder.  Never buy a real man a step ladder.  It must be an extension ladder.  No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope.  Men love rope.  It takes them back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts.  Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.

[Judy Harder]

     

Tie Conspiracy
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.

Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.

The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants.  The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.

Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.

"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

[Judy Harder]

Country Puddle
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road.  Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence.  "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

"I reckon so," replied the farmer.

The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in.  In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.

As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

"Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head.

"It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

[Judy Harder]

     

Bachelor's Cat
A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life.

He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's care.  As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother.

"How is my cat?" he asked.  "Your cat is dead," came the reply.

"Oh my," he exclaimed.  "Did you have to tell me that way?"

"How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother.

"You should have led me up to it gradually," said the bachelor.  "For an example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down.  When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him.  Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat passed away.  That way it wouldn't have been such a shock.

"By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?"

"Mother?" came the reply.  "Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down."

[Judy Harder]

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it.  By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead!  Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants.  .  .  .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!  Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!  Can I?  Can I? Huh?  Huh?  Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it..  You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it?  I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving.  Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb?  Light bulb?  That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

 

[Judy Harder]

Check Your Bill
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company.  It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.

Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.

Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:

"For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125."

[Judy Harder]

     

Penny Problems
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.

Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.  He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.

His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

[Judy Harder]

     

Weather Forecaster
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, The CAT