You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

*New Diet*

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful - we never even felt hungry!

But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again.

There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."

[Judy Harder]

*2 Requests*

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

The woman replied, "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

[Judy Harder]

*Pawn Return*

In 1952 I was in the Army and had just arrived in Frankfurt,Germany. I had no money and asked about getting some. I found out that it was easy to get to a pawn shop by calling a taxi.

I got a taxi (that was an experience in itself) went to a pawn shop and pawned my watch. I wrote down the street name and number so I could get back.

On payday I called a cab again to get my watch. I gave the driver the street and number as 2245 Eienbanstrausa and he burst out laughing.

Eienbanstrausa means "One Way Street".

[Judy Harder]

*Coast Guard Lingo*

When my husband joined the Coast Guard, I knew there would be some adjustments. Not only did I have to get accustomed to his short haircut, but also to his new sailor lingo. I eventually got used to him saying aye instead of yes, but nothing prepared me for the night when I was seven months pregnant and trying to roll over in bed.

In his sleep, with a very military-sounding voice, my husband shouted at the top of his lungs, "She's comin' on the port side!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

[Judy Harder]

*Post Card Help*

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."

He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"

The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.'?"

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Parts Search*

I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding."

One guy just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Need a Pen?*

A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.

"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.

"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.

[Judy Harder]

*Correct Response*

While in an instrument flight-training class at Reese Air Force Base, Texas, I dozed off and, to my dismay, was awakened by a question posed by my instructor.

My buddy whispered the correct response to me. After I gave the answer, my instructor replied, "Good, lieutenant," but his remarks were directed to my friend.

"Next time, put your hand behind his neck to work his jaw, and don't let your lips move so much."

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

Baking
A Baking Recipe For Mothers. . .
1.  Preheat the oven.  Check to be sure there are no rubber balls or plastic soldiers lurking on the shelves.

2.  Remove blocks and toy cars from table.  Grease pan.  Crack nuts.

3.  Measure 2 cups flour.  Remove Johnny's hands from the flour.  Wash flour off him.  Re-measure flour.

4.  Crack more nuts to replace those that Johnny ate.  Put flour, baking powder, and salt in sifter.  Get dust pan and brush up pieces of bowl that Johnny knocked on the floor.  Get another bowl.

5.  Answer the door-bell.  Return to kitchen.  Remove Johnny's hands from the bowl again.  Wash Johnny.  Answer the phone.   Return to  Kitchen.

6.  Remove 1/2-inch salt from the greased pan.  Look for Johnny.   Grease another pan.  Answer phone.  Return to kitchen and find Johnny.

7.  Take up greased pan and remove layer of nut shells in it.  Head for Johnny who runs, knocking the bowl off the table.

8.  Wash the kitchen floor, table, walls, and dishes.

9.  Call the bakery and place an order.  Take two aspirins and lie down.

10. Yikes!! Don't forget to turn the oven off!

[Judy Harder]

Drummer Problems. . .

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't
improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."