You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

 

Judge's Watch

A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.

"For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on the nightstand in my bedroom."

When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"

"What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"

"I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "he knew exactly where it was."

[Judy Harder]

 

Cat Allergy

A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.

Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.

She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."

The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"

The girl said, "I don't know..... I don't eat cats."

[Judy Harder]

 

Sunday Lollipop

The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get it?" his mother asked.

"I bought it with the nickel you gave me."

"The nickel I gave you was for Sunday School."

"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."

[Judy Harder]

 

Eating Worms

Little Johnny sat playing in the garden.

When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.

She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"

Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."

"No, she isn't," said Johnny.

"How do you know she's not?" said the mother.

"Because I ate her first!" answered Little Johnny.

[Judy Harder]

 

Mother's Intuition

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition.

My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew.

I said, "What do I do if he cries?"

She said "Give him some vegetables."

It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.

 

[Judy Harder]

 

Punctuation

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:

"Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

[Judy Harder]

 

The Upper Hand

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies.

It was his first time approaching a field during the night time.

Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied:

"Guess where!"

 

[Judy Harder]

Time Travel
Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.

"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."

"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.

The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"

"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."

[Judy Harder]

 
Light Confusion
A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation.

His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help.  Her son's memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world."

The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

[Judy Harder]

     

Dog Exercises
You've seen those fitness ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions.  Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment.  If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now.  The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs.  Press tighter than the dog can pull.  Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out.  You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed.  Repeat, repeat, repeat.  As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places.  If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you.  Do it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog.  Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball.  Throw the squeaky toy.  Throw the Frisbee.  Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope.  Tug the pull toy.  Tug the sock.  Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw.  This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Remember, this is a timed exercise.  Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back.  WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs.  Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty.  Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise.  Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball.  This is a lifelong fitness program.  A dog is never too old or too feeble to "kiss" you when you least expect it.



*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*