You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

BEST POEM IN THE WORLD

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Bob, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said,
'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

JUDGE NOT!!


Every saint has a PAST...
Every sinner has a FUTURE!



Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil...
It has no point! 

 

[Wilma]

Judy, I love it.  So true.

[Judy Harder]

 

Turn Clunk

An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a 'clunk.'

He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk.' Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem.

Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation,

"Removed bowling ball from trunk".

[Judy Harder]

 
SUNDAY CLOTHES

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.


'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,' answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Catholic church back down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '

'I go to the Lutheran church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.

'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.

'I'll tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:


'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a
CATHOLIC and a LUTHERAN!!!' 
 
   



 



 
   


 
   

[larryJ]

 

Larryj

[Judy Harder]

Don't worry if your work is hard and your rewards are few. Remember the mighty oak was once a nut like you.

- Unknown (submitted by goldenfireangel)

[Judy Harder]

 

Paid To Worry

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

[Judy Harder]

 

Looking For Barney

A four year old was at the paediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

[Judy Harder]

 

Trouble At The Zoo

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week.

They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off to security for questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

[Judy Harder]

 

Women's Anti Stress Diet

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey kiss

AFTERNOON TEA
the rest of the kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with choc-chip topping

DINNER
4 bottles of pop
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER:

STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS "DESSERTS"

Send this to all the women you know or ever knew, and you will immediately lose 10 pounds.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh