You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

*Flight Fear*

Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.

"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."

"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."

[Judy Harder]

*Lost In Jail*

I was reviewing my client's case with him in prison when it was announced that visitors had 15 minutes to leave or be locked in for the three-hour prison head count. I bade my client farewell and left. But somehow, I managed to get lost on my way out. Desperate for directions to the exit, I noticed some men wearing orange jumpsuits. Mistaking them for workmen, I called out to one of them -- a no-neck, barrel-chested man.

"Sir," I said, "I need to get out of here."

He shrugged and said, "Lady, so do I."

[Judy Harder]

Knowing the Numbers*

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the little boy.

[Judy Harder]

*Happy Birthday Elsie*

I play pinochle regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70 or older. Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by taking her out to lunch. When the waitress came to take our order, one of the women said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's Elsie's ninety-second birthday."

The waitress made seven instant enemies and one fast friend by asking the question, "Which one is Elsie?"

[Judy Harder]

*Swahili Gasp*

A company was producing an English-language movie. In one scene, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili. The company even found someone who knew the language. The scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it played in an African town where Swahili was well known. A moment of high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:

"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"

[Judy Harder]

*Good Old Days*

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those video cameras everywhere you look."

[Judy Harder]

*Philosophy Chair*

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board:

"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

[Judy Harder]

*Gender Request*

After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife. It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes."

"Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly.

The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by the ears."

[Judy Harder]

*Tycoon Banter*

A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil.

The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas".

The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his chin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what....you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it.......I'll buy it".

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

[Judy Harder]

*A Primer For Accordion Beginners*

Get an accordion. The cheaper the better because they all sound the same.

Do not tell anyone what you have done. It will only cause them to worry.

They will find out soon enough.

Take the accordion out of the case and strap it on. It is better if the accordion rests on your chest instead of your back but, for the first few weeks, it doesn't really make that much difference.

For sounds to be produced, three things must happen. The third is the most important:

1. The bellows must be moving in or out.
2. One or more of the keys or buttons must be pressed.
3. All potential weapons within a one mile radius must be collected and secured.

The buttons on the left side are chord buttons. The "C" button has a dimple or nipple so you can find it without looking. This is a safety feature. Before it was invented, thousands of accordion players suffered painful and sometimes disabling injuries, much to the delight of the general public.

Never use more than three buttons. "Professional" accordionists appear to be using lots of buttons but they are actually just desperately trying to find the stupid "C".

By the way, "Professional" means they have learned to smile while they do it.

Play the black and white keys. The high notes are at the bottom and the low notes are at the top. That arrangement isn't supposed to make any sense. Accept it.

Note: If you find the high notes at the top and the low notes at the bottom, you have either put the accordion on upside down or you have tried to repair it yourself. If the former, turn the accordion over. If the latter, pack your accordion up with hundreds of dollars and mail it far away for a long, long time.

Continue playing until someone begs you to stop or threatens your life, whichever comes first.

Put the accordion back in its case, order an accordion t-shirt and wear it to your state's Accordion Fest.