You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

 

The Half Cake Diet

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight.

She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

 

[Judy Harder]

 

Parenting Tip

Mary Siegel was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such pests. They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm."

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.

So Mary bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said.

"I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!"

[Judy Harder]

 

Tips On Love

*Tips On Love From Those That Should Know*
(all questions were answered by kids, age 5-10)

*What is the proper at to get married?*

"Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."

(Judy,8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."

(Tom,5)

*What do most people do on a first date?*

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."

(Mike, 10)

*When is it OK to kiss someone?*

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."

(Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."

(Kally,9)

*The great debate: Is it better to be single or married?*

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them."

(Lynette,9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."

(Kenny,7)

*Concerning why love happens between two particular people.*

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."

(Jan,9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."

(Harlen,

*On what falling in love is like.*

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."

(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."

(Leo,7)

*On the role of good looks in love.*

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."

(Jeanne,

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."

(Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."

(Christine,9)

*Concerning why lovers often hold hands*

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."

(Dave,

*Confidential Opinions About Love*

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons is on television."

(Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."

(Bobby,

"I'm not rushing into being in love-I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."

(Regina,10)

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

 

The Big Sale

It was the day of the big sale.

Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

[Judy Harder]

 

Paid For Standing

The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of the factory. Walking through the warehouse he noticed a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate.

The factory owner angrily said, "Just how much are you being paid?"

The young man replied, "A hundred dollars a week."

The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off five $20 bills and shouted at the young man:

"Here is a week's pay--now get out and don't come back!"

Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and left.

The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement.

"Tell me," the boss asked him, "How long has that guy worked for us?"

"He didn't work here," replied the warehouse manager,

"He was just the Fed-Ex guy delivering a package."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

 

Too Late To Date

An elderly woman died last month.

Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,

"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

[larryJ]

 

Larryj

[Judy Harder]

 

Muddy General

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,

"Yours is."

[Judy Harder]

 

Three Legged Chicken

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.

Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!

Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard and dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"

The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."

"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"

"Don't rightly know, can't catch 'em."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

 

$4000 Hearing

An elderly man inquired of his wife about a recent, large expense.

"Well yes I bought this new hearing aid, dear." his wife replied.

"How much did it cost, dear?," he asked.

"Four thousand dollars," she said.

"Four thousand dollars! Why would you have to pay so much for a hearing aid?", he exclaimed.

"It's a wonderful hearing aid. Why I can hear everything around me. I can make out everything that people are saying around me even from the other side of the room."

"Really? What kind is it?"

"It's five-thirty," she said checking her watch. "Why?"