You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

 

Cat Sale

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

[Judy Harder]

 

Forgetfulness

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway.

By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.

When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said,

"While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."

[Judy Harder]

 

Wake Up Call

One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6!", I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million- dollar deal to close, you wouldn't be staying in this motel!"

[Judy Harder]

 

Golf Beginner

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.

Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?", the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

The retiree replied, "Oh great !" NOW you tell me!"

[Judy Harder]

 

Chicken Neighbour

A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.

The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flowerbeds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flowerbeds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.

So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"

"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."

 

[Judy Harder]

 

Reversal of Fortune

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.

Won't you forgive and forget?

Your absence is breaking my heart.

I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love, Belinda.

xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery

[Judy Harder]

 

Noah Glue

Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.

A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.

The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high."

He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again.

Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe."

 

[Judy Harder]

 

Kiss The Mirror Good-Bye

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with an unique problem:

A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

[Judy Harder]

 

Great Writing

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[Judy Harder]

 

Ravine Golfing

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.

Ben sliced his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabbed his 8-iron and proceeded down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

Ben searched diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spotted something shiny. As he got closer, he realized that the shiny object was in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Ben screamed out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I've got big trouble down here."

Thomas came running over to the edge of the ravine and called out, "What's the matter Ben?"

Ben shouted back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."