You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

 

Cub Reporter

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches. At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience.

Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles.

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."

[Judy Harder]

 

Laws of Life

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

[Judy Harder]

 

10 Most Wanted

Little Sammy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."

So Little Sammy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

[Judy Harder]

 

Diet Additive

During one of our weekly weight-loss classes, the group leader was extolling the merits of the program's prepared-food products.

She raved about the rich, delicious flavor of the imitation chocolate fudge and the nondairy pops, assuring us that we could eat them without the least fear of ruining our diets.

The woman next to me nodded her head emphatically and then whispered, "They're even better when you spread peanut butter on them!"

[Judy Harder]

 

Work Virus

There is a new virus going around, called "work". If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.

Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "Sorry...I'm off to Home Depot." The "work" should then be automatically deleted from your brain.

If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest cafe with two friends and order three double chocolate espressos. After repeating this action 10 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

[Judy Harder]

 

Lost In Canada

An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.

Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"

The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said,

"We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

[Judy Harder]

 

Beware of Dog

Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the door glass.

Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register.

He asked the store's owner "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep," the proprietor answered, "That's him."

The stranger couldn't help being amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he chuckled. "Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

[Judy Harder]

 

Rookie Landing

As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded.

Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."

[Judy Harder]

 

Rapid Promotion

The boss called one of his employees into the office.

"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad.

[Judy Harder]

 

Putting the Cat Out

A couple is going out for an evening on the town.

When they are almost ready to go, the wife tells her husband not to forget to put out the cat. However, after a Taxi arrives and as they go out the door the cat darts back in the house.

Not wanting the cat shut in the house while they are out the husband goes back in to get the cat as the wife goes and gets in the cab.

The wife not wanting it known that the house will be empty while they are out explains to the cab driver, "He is just going upstairs to say good-bye to mother."

A short time later the husband comes down and gets in the cab. He says, "Sorry it took so long but the stupid old thing was under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger!"