You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

*Cops and Robbers*

Esther Cohen had three very active boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead."She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day".

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

The Last Thing I Remember . . .
My wife doesn't complain often, but once she was having a old-fashioned "heart-to-heart" with me and said, "Hon, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds.  Please promise me you'll try to work on that."   

The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what was that you were saying?"   

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Shakespearean in Dallas*

A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, "Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."

She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.

A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he said.

So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.

He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.

"Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

*Surgical Tools*

To address an emergency call a doctor came to see a rich patient at his home, who was screaming with extreme stomach pain and was surrounded by many anxious relatives. The Doctor kicked all the relatives out of the room, closed the door with patient and he inside.

After a while he came out and asked, "Please give me a pair of scissors." People gave him stainless steel scissors. He again went inside, closed the door and soon came back. He said, "Please give me a hammer." He got one. A number of times he repeated the routine of going inside, closing the door and then coming back again for a new tool.

Finaly he came outside one more time and asked, "Please give me a screw driver." The oldest son could not stand it any more and lost his patience. In a crying voice he pleaded, "Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he live? Could we open his will?"

The doctor said, "No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my stupid bag - I lost the key."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

[Judy Harder]

DAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Bank Arrangements*

Who knows if this is true. Just the same, it's funny!

I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank, and the bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.


May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98-year-old woman.)

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

Car Names
What those car-company names REALLY stand for:

ACURA
Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile

AMC
Another Major Catastrophe

BMW
Bavarian Manure Wagon

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips

DODGE
Drips Oil & Drops Grease Everywhere

EDSEL
Every Day Something Else Leaks

FIAT
Fix It Again, Tony!

FORD
Found On Road, Dead

GEO
Good Engineering Overlooked

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man's Companion

HONDA
Hang On, Not Done Accelerating

What those car-company names REALLY stand for:

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable AND Inexpensive

JEEP
Junk Engineering Executed Poorly

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

MUSTANG
Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good

OLDSMOBILE
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
or
Old ladies driving slowly making others behind insanely late everyday

PINTO
Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook

PORSCHE
Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

SAAB
Sad Attempt At Beauty

SATURN
Sorry about that unusual rattling noise

SUBARU
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd-Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

[Judy Harder]

Doctors' Visit
An elderly man has just moved to a new town, when he is taken ill and decides that he needs to see a doctor.

In the doctor's waiting room, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist.

The man replies that the doctor specializes in 'everything'.

The man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive.

The man says: "Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand dollars for your first visit."

The man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand dollars?"

The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!"

The man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor.

On entering the doctor's office he says casually . . .

. . . "Hello doctor, here I am again

[Judy Harder]

*Kidnapped*

Most Friday nights at the Naval Station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officers club after work. One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m. We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.

When his wife answered the phone, I said, "Rick has been kidnapped. Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officers club." Then I hung up.

A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table. In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket and a teddy bear. Attached to the bear was a note: "Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home."



*Yard Sale Anger*

A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the homeowner, "My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."

"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the homeowner replied.

"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* 

[Judy Harder]

*Lost*

Steve took his new wife camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day they got lost hiking in the deep woods. Steve tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees (there was no moss), the direction of the sun (it was an overcast day).

Just as his wife was beginning to panic, Steve spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, then turned and led his wife right back to their camp.

"That was terrific," she said, impressed. "How did you do it?"

"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

[Judy Harder]

*Pig Call*

A church secretary takes a call. The caller says ,"Is the head hog at the trough there?"

The secretary says, "Please Sir, do not refer to our pastor as the head hog at the trough. That is very insulting."

"Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a local phase we use in the part of the country I come from. The real reason I called was to donate $50,000.00 to your building fund."

The secretary says, "Hold on. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming through the door right now."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*