You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

A small boy stunned his parents when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters.

Finally his mother said, "Where did you get all that money.?

"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."

[Judy Harder]

 

Sixteen Steps to Build a Campfire

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

2. Bandage left thumb.

3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments

4. Bandage left foot.

5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)

6. Light Match

7. Light Match

8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.

9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.

10. Apply burn ointment to nose.

11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."

13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."

15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.

16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.

[Judy Harder]

 

Gladys Pun

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

And the gentleman replied, " You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!!"

[Judy Harder]

 

A Diet For Dealing With Stress

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots & Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms & Mashed Potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.

[Judy Harder]

 

Job Impressions

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."

Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"

[Judy Harder]

 

Payment Plan

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store.

Pete said to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."

The salesman said, "You just make a small down payment, and then you don't make another payment for six months."

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, "Who told you about us?"

[W. Gray]

This post instantly reminded me of the Pete and Gladys sitcom show on TV in the early 60s.

Pete, played by Harry Morgan, was a regular on an earlier 50s sitcom called "December Bride," which starred Spring Byington. Pete was a next door neighbor who frequently came over to visit her son and was always complaining about his flighty wife Gladys. Gladys, however, was never seen on the program. I began watching "December Bride" only to see Pete. He was a standout actor and very funny.

Apparently, in those days the TV folks waited for a show to die before they began a spin off. In the spin off "Pete and Gladys" show, Gladys finally made her appearance and everyone tuned in to see what kind of person Gladys was and what she looked like.

Pete was played by Harry Morgan who later replaced McLean Stevenson as the officer in charge of the doctors in the MASH sitcom. I was really disappointed when, in his 80s, he was arrested for beating up his wife.

[Judy Harder]

Harry Morgan also played on Jack Webb's Dragnet. Not sure what his name was but
he was Jack Webb's assistant.....or detective what ever it was called..........way back
when......think in the 60's.

I didn't know he was abusive that is sad.

[Mom70x7]

He got diversion - after six months of classes. At the time, he was 81, wife was 70.

[Judy Harder]

Fridge Magnet Smiles

You have all seen those little hand painted signs hung in so many kitchens.

Many are heartwarming and homey, but many are simply hilarious. Here is a collection of the funnier ones:

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

Housework done properly can kill you.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.

The only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house when I bought it.

There are only three kinds of food - Frozen, Canned, & Take-out!