You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

 

Small Town Justice

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!"

A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom!"

[Judy Harder]

 

Will to Remember

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"

[Judy Harder]

 

Sorry I'm Late Mom

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.

"I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

[Judy Harder]

 

"If it" Office Advice

If it rings, answer it. Talk kindly.

If it clanks, call the repairman.

If it whistles, ignore it.

If it is a friend, take a break.

If it is the boss, look busy.

If it talks, take notes.

If it is handwritten, type it.

If it is typed, copy it.

If it is copied, file it.

If it is Friday, forget it!

[Judy Harder]

 

Tired of Rejection?

Tired of being rejected for jobs - maybe this form letter will come in handy.

Dear [Interviewer's Name]:

Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely, [Your Name]

[Judy Harder]

The Cowboy's New Car

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.

"I know that smart alec Tex" said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back"

"Not Tex" said the second. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now"

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted "Audi, partners!"

[Judy Harder]

 

Acts 2:38

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So she holds up a hand and says: "ACTS 2:38!!!"

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: "How did you do this?"

The woman replied, "I quoted scripture."

The cop turned to the burglar: "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?"

The burglar replied: "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's."

[Judy Harder]

 

Chet's Graduation

It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Chet.

At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Chet graduate, let Chet graduate!"

The principal agrees to give Chet one last chance.

"If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Chet, how many apples do I have?" he asked.

Chet thought long and hard and then said: "Ten."

At that the entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Give Chet another chance. Give Chet another chance!"

[Judy Harder]

                                A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH ARIZONA COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

                                THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED. HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.






                                 
                                 
                                Sorta brings a tear to you eye, don't it?

[Judy Harder]

 

Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a golden Retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."