You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

Mom's Dictionary
AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom's other name.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

Fire
Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are at a meeting when a fire breaks out in a wastebasket. The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than their ignition temperature and  then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

As the physicist and the chemist debate what to do, the Statistician actually does something. He runs around the room lighting more fires. The physicist and the chemist scream "What are you doing?"

The statistician replies, "We're going to need a larger sample size."

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Milk Switch*

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"

The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Traffic Laughs*

* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.

* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is anti-perspirant to put under your car's fenders.

* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.

* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.

* It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.

* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off... even then, you're cutting it close.

* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.

* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.

* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Garage Wow*

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

You Make Me Laugh
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TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Elementary Motherhood*

Following are answers given by elementary school-age children to the given questions:


Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.

2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.

3. Mostly to clean the house.

4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.



How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.



Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We are related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.



What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.



What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.



How did your mom meet your dad?

1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.



What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?



Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.



What makes a real woman?

1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.



Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.





What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.



What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't have spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.



What's the difference between moms and grandmas?

1. About 30 years.

2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.



Describe the world's greatest mom?

1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.

2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.

3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.



Is anything about your mom perfect?

1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.

2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.

3. Just her children.



What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.



If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister did it and not me.



*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh 

[Judy Harder]

*Money Worries*

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."

"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

Fly Delta
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.

Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So again we gathered our carry on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."

[Catwoman]

Oh, that is so not funny! But I can't help laughing...you find such good material!

[Judy Harder]

*I Love My Job*

I Love My Job

(apologies to Dr. Seuss)

I love my job, I love the pay, I love it more and more each day.

I love my boss and he's the best. I love HIS boss and all the rest.

I love my office and it's location. I hate to have to take vacation.

I love my desk, drab and gray, and love those paper piles each day.

I love my chair in my padded cell; there's nothing else I love so well.

I love to work among my peers. I love their leers 'n jeers 'n sneers.

I love my computer and all its ware; I hug it often to show I care.

I love each program and every file; I even try using it once in a while.

I'm happy to be here, I am, I am...I'm the happiest slave to my Uncle Sam.

I love this work; I love these chores; I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job AND I'll say it again, I even love these friendly men:

These men who've come to visit today, in lovely white coats to take me away!

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh