You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

*Interpreting Hotel Brochures*

Old world charm ............. No bath

Tropical .................... Rainy

Majestic setting ............ A long way from town

Options galore .............. Nothing is included in the itinerary

Secluded hideaway ........... Impossible to find or get to

Pre-registered rooms ........ Already occupied

Explore on your own ......... Pay for it yourself

Knowledgeable trip hosts .... They've flown in an airplane before

No extra fees ............... No extras

Nominal fee ................. Outrageous charge

Standard .................... Sub-standard

Deluxe ...................... Standard

Superior .................... One free shower cap

Cozy ........................ Small

All the amenities ........... Two free shower caps

Plush ....................... Top and bottom sheets

Gentle breezes .............. Occasional Gale-force winds

Light and airy .............. No air conditioning

Picturesque ................. Theme park nearby

Concierge ................... Stand with tourist brochures

Continental breakfast ....... Free muffin

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

*Patio Problem*

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

*Funeral Music*

At our local crematorium families are given the chance to chose the music CD they would like to enter the service to.

One family asked to enter to, "Love me Tender."

Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.

Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

Division of Labor
The Rosenthals had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage, and Mr. Rosenthal was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.

"It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on."

"And you?"

"I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."

[Judy Harder]

Flying over Arizona
As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, folks, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona.

It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

Just then the blonde sitting next to me exclaimed:

"Wow, look! It just missed that highway!"

[Judy Harder]

*The Batchelor*

I realized that my six-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a cousin's wedding.

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the synagogue, he turned to me and asked,

"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

Quick Thinking
The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?"

The baby sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."

"Where would you get the torpedo?"

"The same place you got your battleship!"

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Away Messages*

When you are out of the office, here are some away messages to use:

1. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get to it.

4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at (insert Boss's cell phone number here).

5. The e-mail server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

6. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

Brave Firefighters

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*A Hi-Tech Litmus Test*

This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:

Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.

If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.

If it turns blue, see your dentist.

If it turns red, see your bank manager.

If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.

If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh