You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

Procrastinator's Creed
.I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

.I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

.I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

.I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

.I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

.I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

.I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

.If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

.I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

.I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

.I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

.I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

.I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

.I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

[Judy Harder]

*Arguing*

The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit, Nancy finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."

"Fine." I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."

I grinned and replied, "You're right."

[Judy Harder]

*Love Campaign*

The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.

He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.

Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

Why Men Are Just Happier People!!!!
What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5,000; tux rental - $100.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

Ahhh – it's good to be the man . . .

[Judy Harder]

*Golf Quitter*

Two men were chatting casually at work over the water cooler. The conversation turned to golf and one asked the other, "Do you play?"

"Yes, the younger man replied, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I consistently shot in the lower seventies."

There was a long, low intake of breath, then the other man said, "Lower seventies, huh?"

"Yes," his coworker said.

"Consistently?"

"Yup, Every hole," the younger man said with a sigh.

[Judy Harder]

*Hamster Care*

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"

[Judy Harder]

*Beef Prices*

It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop which has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound" The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please."

The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."

The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"

The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."

"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!"

The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"

"No. He's out of it right now."

"Well," says the butcher. "When I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!"

[Judy Harder]

*Military Man*

A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant, was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during his years of service.

"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel, Major General, an Admiral, or what! I always told those guys exactly where to get off."

"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"

"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."

[Judy Harder]

*Priory Priority*

The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker's ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the older monks whose order had founded the college.

"This must be difficult to watch, Father," I said. "The tradition associated with that building, the memories of all the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you."

"It's worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my iPhone in there."

[Judy Harder]

Snake Trouble
Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'