You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

*Laws of Parenthood*

There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood

A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.

The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

[Judy Harder]

The Easter Story According To Kids
Shortly before Easter Bob's son drew a picture of the crucifixion scene. Bob noticed the picture had an airplane in the top corner.

"Son, this is a wonderful picture," Bob said. "But what is the airplane doing?"

"Dad, don't you know?" the boy replied. "That's Pontius Pilot!"


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Kiersten, 5, was having a discussion with Destini, 6. Destini was insisting that Jesus is dead. Kiersten insisted that Jesus is alive.

They began to argue, so Kiersten's mother, Penny, interfered.

"Destini," Penny said, "Kiersten is right. Don't you know that's why we celebrate Easter? Easter is the day that Jesus rose from the dead. He was killed and they buried Him and three days later He arose from the dead."

Destini asked where they buried Him. Penny told her it was actually in a cave over in Israel. "And after they put Him in the cave, they rolled a very, very, very big stone over the doorway," Penny said.

At that point Kiersten interrupted and added, "That was to keep Him warm!"


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Bev was telling her four-year-old son about the Easter season. When she started telling about Jesus, he said, "You mean they're after Him AGAIN?"


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Faith, 3, went to Good Friday services. That night she prayed, "Thank You, Jesus, for dying on the Cross. And thank You we didn't have to watch!"


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When Bonnie's daughter was four, they attended an Easter pageant about the death and Resurrection of Christ. The play was beautiful with magnificent costumes and scenery.


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Bonnie made sure Robyn had an aisle seat so that she wouldn't miss a thing. Jesus came staggering down the aisle carrying the cross. Big Roman soldiers pushed and shoved him.

Robyn watched with wide eyes. At the reception following the performance, one of the actors who played a Roman soldier came over to Robyn, kneeled down and quietly asked her, "Did you enjoy the play?"

Robyn wagged her finger at him and said, "You BAD man! Bad! Bad man! You hurt my Jesus!"

True stories reprinted from newsletter:
"The Funny Things Kids Say Will Brighten Any Day!":
http://www.funnykids.com

[Judy Harder]

*Unique Breakfast*

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"

"Just bring me a hard boiled egg," the man replied.

[Judy Harder]

*Dollar Math*

"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"

Vinny raised his hand and answered, "One dollar."

The teacher shook her head. "You don't know your math."

Vinny replied, "You don't know my father."

[Judy Harder]

*Coffee Vending Machine*

A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear and a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.

"Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"

[Judy Harder]

Easter Dress
It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the Children's Sermon". All the children were invited to come forward and one little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress. As she sat down the Pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a real pain to iron."

[Judy Harder]

All I needed To Know About Life I Learned From The Easter Bunny

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
Good things come in small sugar-coated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

[Judy Harder]

*Anesthesiologist Bill*

Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist.

She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly. "Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."

"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."

[Judy Harder]

*Biggest Lie*

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Cross Country Move*

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.

"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

Fairway Drive . . . .
Mark drove his second shot from the fairway, not thinking he'd reach the green being a par 5 and out over 200 yards. The ball did land on the green & almost hit a fellow who was just finishing his putt. Mark went up to apologize and to explain, but the man was irate, yelling & screaming.
The man charged at Mark swinging his putter.

Mark who still had his 3 wood in hand, started swinging back at the man.

When the police and ambulance arrived they took Mark into custody and asked him how many times he hit the man. Mark replied, "Well I hit him eight times but you can put me down for five."