You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

*Cleaning Instructions*

I bought a great new toilet seat recently.

On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.

Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.

My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."

[Judy Harder]

Pilot Talk
Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower:

Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1."

Second voice: "NO!!! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that pad!"

There was a brief moment of silence.

First voice again: "You idiot! You're my co-pilot!"

[Judy Harder]

Down to the Barber Shop
Ronnie goes down to the barber shop.

He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave....

After being nicked by the barber several times - Ronnie says "Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?" 

Barber replies "Well yes sir I do would you prefer shaving yourself?" 

Ronnie said "Well not exactly - but I thought I might could defend myself..!"

[Judy Harder]

How Did Julius Caesar Die?
It's a little known fact that Julius Caesar did NOT die from stab wounds by Brutus ... but rather he was poisoned.

At the huge banquet on that fateful Ides of March, Brutus slipped some
poisonous hemlock leaves onto Julius's salad. (This was the world's first Caesar's salad!)

When Julius slumped over into his salad, Brutus feigned concern and asked: "My dear friend Julius, how many hemlock leaves have you eaten?"

To which Julius gasped in reply: . . . "Ate two, Brutus."

[Judy Harder]

Frightening the Children
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old sweats and blouse and proceeded to wash her hair and give herself a facial. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she wrapped a towel around her head and with cold creme on her face stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

[Judy Harder]

Missed Bus*

The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.

The father, though late for work, had to drive her if she'd direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.

The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle.

The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know."


*Still More Bulletin Bloopers*

Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.

The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.

We'll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn, "The First Nowell"

Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton Soup.

Events: December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.

The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, "Find the gun." They had a great time.

The Pastor's Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus

Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit which is the old entrance.

Our Senior's group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can Dance the Night Away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.

What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday? Local Funeral Director Barry Gilbert will talk about the benefits of cremation.

The Riegieman Chiropractic Center will host Kid's Day this Saturday. They'll be treating the youth group to spinal exams, backpack checks, I.D. Cards, etc.
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[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

We Have a Serious Problem
My niece bought her five-year-old daughter Ruthie a hamster.  One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and finally found him. Several weeks later, while Ruthie was at school, he disappeared again.

My niece searched frantically but never found the critter.  Hoping to make  the loss less painful for Ruthie, my niece took the cage out of her room.

When Ruthie came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her  mother's lap. "We have a serious problem," she announced. "Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took his cage."

[Judy Harder]

*Razor Request*

Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times Ronnie says "Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?"

The barber replies "Well yes sir I do, would you prefer shaving yourself?"

Ronnie said, "Well not exactly but I thought I might could defend myself."

[Judy Harder]

Trains
A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.

While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

[Judy Harder]

Payback!
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at  what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped very firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."